Disclaimer: I don't own YGO…no da

Summary: This is about Ryou. Bakura was banished because he was accused of abusing Ryou. Ryou starts to lose hope and records his feelings and emotions on a tape. It's kind of jumbled and confusing, but that how Ryou feels right now.

Recorded Emotions
(Tape whirs to life)

Haven't you ever cried? Not out of joy, or because you laughed too hard, but because you were angry, or sad, or just even because you hurt yourself? Haven't you ever been thrown down for some reason or the other and felt like you needed someone to hold you and rock you and keep you feeling safe and like you're needed? Haven't you ever felt like that, but never had anyone to be there? Don't you know how that feels?

(sigh)

If you haven't, you're incredibly lucky.

So much pressure and frustration makes me cry. When my mother was disappointed, it makes me cry too. Even when she was upset at herself or with my sister and not at me, it made me cry, because it made me feel like she'd given up on my sister and me. I feel like this every time someone else feels like that.

Does it matter that I, Ryou Bakura, get so discouraged like this? Does it matter that I always feel this pain? No, it doesn't, because I am always in the background, only there too further glorify the group's leaders. I am simply there, almost invisible. No one hates me, how can you hate someone you can't see? Or really likes me for that matter.

And why on earth am I ranting? Goodness.

(bitter laughter)

My mother used to get so disappointed in me and it made me sad. I tried so hard to please her by having good grades but lately, I'd been slipping not just a little while, but for the whole year. People use me, people cry on my shoulder and I'm always there, but I'm never noticed, but I pretend to be happy anyway, but I never am.

So my grades slipped to a few B's and A's instead of straight A's and my mother started scolding me and telling me how disappointed she was and how I should have tried harder and I couldn't help it, I was just like a little child, I began to cry and explain how things had happened and so much had made me frustrated, but she just kept going. I continued to weep.

I tried to tell her that I was sorry, and that because I knew she would be like this, even though I had gotten an award, I'd thrown it away. She only started to scold harder. My eyes ached, and I couldn't stop. Inside, I was always crying. They were always disappointed, always.

I don't know why I'm remembering this now, but I am. Because I've always been like that inside. I've been crying, clutching a pillow to my chest, wanting someone to hold me in safe arms and tell me that it would be all right. But no one has ever told me that or done that, not even my mother when she was alive, it was all Amane. And even though sweet, sweet Amane made me smile sometimes, she caused me even more pain.

I lost my smile so many years ago, I can't remember when it was. Was it when my father was home less and less and mother began to stay inside her room and cry with Amane? Or was it when I fought with my parents and Amane and ran away? Was it when I was ignored and shunned by those who were my friends? Or was it when they died? Was it when my father abandoned me? No, I think it was when I cried and no one cared enough to apologize, or hold me and tell me it's fine or when I was sick and no one cared enough to notice.

I was always alone. And it was terrible. I wished I was dead.

(Quivering breaths)

Then Bakura came. And then the ring dug into my skin so deeply that it left a scar and it bled so that I almost screamed. I didn't faint though, because for some reason, I never faint. And Bakura scared me so, but he let me know that he would never leave me, and I almost smiled. The scar is a constant reminder that he will never be gone, even if they have banished him for now…

Bakura and I fell in love somehow. I don't understand how it was possible.One of the most powerful people in the worldfell in love with me, the weakest hikari. But he told me that I was wrong. I was strong somehow, and he was weak. I don't, I can't, understand. But you know what? I don't want to. He fell in love with me and that's all that matters.

I don't know how it happened. He existed, and he was always there, even when I wished for privacy. We made a point of ignoring each other, but somehow, some way, he noticed my loneliness and reached out to me. And that moment, in one second, I fell in love so hard; I could have broken the Earth.

But they stole him away from me. I don't know why, I don't know how, but when they did, I wanted to die. They believed that he was evil and responsible for his actions and a threat to their glorified world. They believed he hurt me. They found some scars and immediately affiliated them with Bakura even though it was me that made them. I was so afraid that I might stop feeling, I cut myself. Bakura found out and almost killed me for it. He raged and told me if I ever did it again, he would just kill me and be done with it.

(choked sobs)

Bakura knew they would make my life hell if I refused to give him up so he went with them, and they banished him to the shadows. And I died once more. I felt so sick that I didn't go to school for a few weeks and none of them noticed. None of those goddamned son of a bitches noticed. None of them cared. At least, not the ones that called themselves my friends. I found some companionship in those that were just like me. There, but not really noticed. Seto Kaiba, the Ishtars, Serenity, they were the ones that came to ease my pain. They were the ones to keep me from dying.

And I wonder why they even tried to save me when I'd given in to pain and darkness so long ago. But I love them for trying. And maybe I can be saved once I get Bakura back. Because I need him, God knows, I need him…

This isn't making any sense, is it Bakura? Why am I even recording a letter to you? Why am I bothering to tell you all of this in third person (or is it first, I'm not really sure anymore) when you'll never hear me, see me? I don't understand why I try.

(bitter laughter again)

Why do I dwell on this when it only causes me more pain? Why did you say I was strong Bakura? WHY DID YOU FUCKING LOVE ME AND JUST GET BANISHED? WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO GO? WHY? Why? I hate you. I really do. I HATE YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME! I-I HATE you.

(crying sounds, sobs)

I'm crying, you know that? I'm crying god damn it. And it feels fucking good. Because it lets me know that I still need you. And it hurts. Because that means I still love you. We fell in love, but I never got to say, I love you. But I'm saying it now, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I want you back. No, scratch that, I need you back. I need you, even if you don't need me. And I can't help it, I love you so much, that I want to die.

(shuddering sighs, whimpers, then a last cry)

Oh gods I love you Bakura. Please, please come back to me. Somehow…I need you so damn much. You are my anchor to life and sanity. Did you know? I started cutting again. I'm so so sorry.

(static, End)

"No my dear Ryou." A dark voice said quietly as they stopped the tape. "It's me, that's sorry. So very, very, sorry."

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