Scene 10

Billy:Moon, I'm not sure how much longer I can take this sailor thing.

Moon:Why's that, Billy? It can't be that bad.

Billy:Hope hates me 'cause she thinks I shouldn't be pretending to be someone else so I can stalk her and mess with Evelyn's head.

Moon:I'm sure Hope doesn't hate you.

Billy:Wanna bet?

Hope:Billy! I hate you! You don't take anything seriously! All you do is impersonate soldiers and seagulls, make Evelyn seasick and talk to skanks and to this loser! (points to Moon, who is doing something completely idiotic with his gun. He hides it sheepishly. She sighs exasperatedly and leaves)

Billy:So Hope hates me, Bonnie follows me everywhere because she thinks I'm a sailor, the first mate thinks I'm Snake Eyes Johnson, and it's freakin' cold! (piles of snow fall on both guys) Why won't it stop snowing!

Moon:Dude, we're in the North Pole. What else is it supposed to do here?

Billy:It could rain lemon drops and gumdrops.

Chorus:Oh, what a world it would be! (exit)

Reno:(shivering in her cocktail dress) Hey, guys! Guess what? It's cold!

Guys:No! (heavy sarcasm)

Reno:Fine, so you already know. Here's some more news: Snake Eyes Johnson is onboard.

Moon:Reno, the first mate thinks Billy is Snake Eyes. The Real Snake Eyes is…uh…somewhere else.

Reno:Is that so? Well, look who I found in my cabin last night! (pulls Snake Eyes Johnson on)

SEJ:Hey, Moonface! Wazzup, pal?

Moon:Snake Eyes! How'd you get on? I gave your passport to Billy!

SEJ:Snake Eyes Johnson doesn't need a passport! No international regulations can hold him! (strikes a superhero pose; Reno bats eyes at him)

Reno:Isn't he just dreamy?

Billy:(nervously eyeing SEJ, who is flexing and posing) Dreamy isn't the word I'd use.

1st Mate:(holding notepad) After making a list of every person on the ship, cross-indexing the names with height, shoe size and favorite color and comparing mug shots with profiles, I've deduced who Snake Eyes Johnson is disguised as. You! (points at Reno. She moves his hand to point at Billy)

Billy:Reno!

1st Mate:Ah-ha! I've finally got you, SNAKE EYES JOHNSON!

(entire cast enters)

Chorus:(dressed as hippies) Snake Eyes Johnson!

Woman 1:Hey, has anybody else noticed that we've said "Snake Eyes Johnson" ten times already in just this scene?

Man 1:But he's a gangster!

Woman 2:And gangsters are sexy! (girls giggle in agreement)

Billy:Wait, you guys aren't going to arrest me?

1st Mate:Yes, we are! You're a dangerous criminal!

Woman 1:Oooh, he's dangerous!

Woman 3:Uh-huh!

Woman 4:You touch him and we'll throw you overboard, Mr. First Mate!

1st Mate:But…

Woman 2:Go! You aren't wanted! (1st Mate leaves, grumbling)

Man 2:But wait! This guy doesn't look like Snake Eyes Johnson! He looks like a sailor!

Chorus:Hey, yeah!

Billy:Well, if I'm not going to get arrested, then… (switches hats with the real SEJ)

Reno:(double-takes) Wow! You can't even recognize him!

Billy:Yay! Now I'm popular!

Man 2:To the bar to celebrate the arrival of a bloodthirsty, murdering criminal to our humble ship!

All:Whoo-hoo! (all crowd around him and they go offstage, cheering)

Hope:Oh, now what? I love Billy, but now I've got competition! I wish I hadn't complained when he was still a sailor! But now I'm dating a gangster!

Bonnie:Trust me, honey. It's totally worth it! (they exit arm in arm to the bar)

Evie:(has a flower in his hair and is wearing hippie sunglasses) Where's Hopie-Wopie-Poo? I really wanted to read her my new American slang! (reads) "Groovy!", "Flower Power!" and "Far Out!" Oh, that makes me laugh! (exit. Moon and Reno are left onstage alone)

Moon:This does not bode well!

Reno:What?

Moon:Well, see, Billy is creating a bigger lie about himself and…

Reno:No, did you just say "bode"? (Moon nods) Okay, now that's just wrong. You need to get smashed. Go now so I can sing my song.

Moon:Yippie! Alcohol! (runs offstage)

"Everything Snows"

Reno:Seasons change and we've often rewound the clock since the Puritans got a shock when they froze to death on Plymouth Rock. And today, what a shock we've got; 'stead of landing in old New York, we're in Ant-arc-tic-aaaaaa!

In olden days in freezing weather, they'd wear boots made of leather and that goes to show everything snows! Play writers too, who once produced good shows now sit around and pick their nose and it shows everything snows! The world is so cold today and young's old today and dry's wet today and right's left today and most games you play that no one tried yesterday, all happen in the snow. So, though I'm not an Eskimo dancer, I know that you're bound to answer when I say so, "Everything snows!" (chorus comes in, still dressed as hippies)

Chorus:Time, time, time, look what you've done to me… (they start singing "Hazy Shade of Winter" by Simon and Garfunkel)

Reno:(looks up and down at them) Well, close enough. (shrugs)

All:And the sky is a hazy shade of winter! Everything snows!

Act 1 Fin