Act 2 Now
Scene 1
"Public Enemy #1"
Chorus:(dressed as cheerleaders) Snake Eyes Johnson, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can! No one can arrest him…
Girls:'Cause he is so fine! And I really want him, I'm gonna make him mine! Rah rah rah! (look at each other) Hey.
Chorus:(shrug) Way to go Public Enemy #1! (all execute some kind of cheerleading routine, if possible, they do that throwing people into the air thing)
Bonnie:Hi, everybody!
All:Hi, Bonnie!
Bonnie:Your song is lame! Let's sing a better one!
All:Groan!
"Let's Step Out/Let's Get Drunk"
Bonnie:Let's celebrate, 'cause we've got an axe murderer on board! Let's get drunk, wouldn't that be de-lovely?
All:What? (confused looks at each other) Let's get drunk, let's get drunk… (kickline offstage to bar, except Billy)
(Reno, Captain, SEJ, and Moon enter to join Billy)
Captain:(dressed as Luke Skywalker) Snake Eyes Johnson, are you ready to turn away from the Dark Side?
SEJ:(dressed as Darth Vader) Billy, join the Dark Side! Don't underestimate the Force, Billy!
Captain:No! Leave him alone, Darth Vader! He's on the good side now!
SEJ:You'd think so, wouldn't you? Luke, I am your father!
Captain:(gasp) NOOOOOOOO! (sobs) NOOOOOO! (makes a disgusted face) Wait, that's impossible. I'm older than you! (sobs some more) NOOOOOOOOOOO! (crawls in a ball and cries like a baby)
SEJ:AHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAAHA! Bwahaha…haha…ha…heh heh…all right. You can stop crying now.
Reno:Billy, the only way you can get the First mate to stop chasing you is to tell everyone that you've converted to religion.
Billy:How hard can that be?
Moon:I'm running the service.
Billy:Oh…
Reno:All right, well, here goes! Is everybody ready? (chorus enters in swimming suits of all kinds)
Chorus:Yeah!
Reno:(eyes chorus warily, but shrugs)
Moon:All right! It's time to confess your sins! Come on, sinners! I know you're out there!
Chorus:(scared) Mumble-mumble….
Billy:This isn't working.
Reno:Moonie, you're scaring the creepy passengers!
Ching:You hear that?
Ling:Skanky whore called us creepy!
Reno:Why, I oughta!
Moon:Come on, Reno! We've got to do the service!
Reno:Oh, all right. Chorus people aren't worth it anyway. Ah, well, I guess I have to sing a song now.
"Blow Gabriel Blow"
(trumpet sound)
Reno:Do ya hear that playin'?
(trumpet again, seemingly coming from nowhere)
Chorus:Yes, we hear that playin'!
(trumpet again)
Reno:Do you know who's playin'?
Chorus:No, who is that playin'?
Reno:Why, it's Gabriel, Gabriel…
Woman 1:No, it's not! It's this guy! (pulls aside a curtain to reveal a guy in a clown costume playing the trumpet) Is your name Gabriel?
Guy:No, it's Jeff.
Woman 1:See? Not Gabriel. You can't sing about Gabriel. So there.
Reno:Ooookay…so it's Jeff! Jeff playin'! Jeff! Jeff sayin', "Will you be ready to go when I blow my horn?"
Jeff:Is that what I'm saying? I thought I was saying, "Why am I in a clown costume?" Why am I in a clown costume?
Reno:Will you shut up! Blow, Jeff, blow! Oh, blow, Jeff, blow! I used to be a scamp and a skank, and I still am so don't follow my example or youll all end up in Hell, so blow, Jeff, blow! (spoken really fast to fit in the allotted music)
Moon:(he and Billy are standing to one side, watching with interest) This is great, Billy! I've never been to church before!
Billy:Moon, this isn't really what church is like. First of all, no one wears swimsuits…
Moon:Shut up and watch, man!
Reno:Oh, you all are horrible sinners, all killing people and stealing dinners, so Jeff says shape up or suffer eternal torment!
Jeff:Nuh-uh! I say…
Reno:PLAY, DAMMIT!
Chorus:(all kind of scared of Reno and her hell-raising) Blow, Jeff, blow! Oh, blow, Jeff, blow! We're all apparently evil and doomed to Hell, so play your horn to cheer us up! Blow, Jeff, blow!
Billy:(to Moon) is it just me or is this song kinda kinky?
Moon:Nah, it's all in your head. Just watch. (chorus dances)
Billy:Moon, this dancing and stuff makes me think…
Moon:Uh-oh!
Billy:Maybe Hope's right. I should admit I'm not the real Snake Eyes Johnson.
Chorus:(freezes in horror) What?
Woman 1:You mean you're not a blood-thirsty axe-murderer?
Billy:Nope, sorry.
Man 1:What about chainsaws? Have you ever killed anybody with a chainsaw?
Billy:I've never killed anybody before.
Chorus:(gasp)
Billy:I stole a candy bar once from the gas station. Oh, but then I went back and paid for it later…
Man 2:Well, we've got to have some kind of axe-murdering, chainsaw-wielding, murderous maniac on board! What other reason can we use to get drunk?
Chorus:Yeah! Alcohol! Crazy axe-and-butcher-cleaver-murderer! Ad-libbing!
SEJ:Hey now! I've done a lot of things, but I never killed anyone with an axe! Or a butcher cleaver! Although that's a good idea…
Woman 2:Who are you?
SEJ:I'm Snake Eyes Johnson!
Man 3:Yeah, right! Can you prove it?
SEJ:No.
Man 1:Good enough for me!
Woman 1:To the bar!
All:Yeah! (Chorus lifts SEJ onto their shoulders and storms off to the bar, chatting about liquor and murder. We, as writers are a little frightened)
Reno:Billy! What did you do? I was just getting warmed up and you scare off my crowd!
1st Mate:You there! What's your name!
Billy:Billy…
1st Mate:Billy What's-his-face!
Billy:Yeah! How'd you know?
1st Mate:Quiet, boy! You're under arrest!
Moon:For what?
1st Mate:For impersonating an axe murderer! You! (points to Moon) You're under arrest, too!
Moon:Why?
1st Mate:(still yelling) I have no idea! You! (points to Reno)
Reno:I know, I'm under arrest for being a skank?
1st Mate:No! I just wanted to say "Great sermon!" Now I know I'm going to Hell! (slaps handcuffs on Billy and Moon and leads them off, whistling "Blow, Jeff, Blow".)
Reno:(shrugs) That was weird. Now I've got nothing to do… I know! I'll go seduce Evie again! (runs off, giggling like a little girl)
Jeff:(is alone onstage) Aw, now what? I'm stuck on this stupid boat in a clown costume! I'm so bored! (pile of snow falls on Jeff) This is just great! (lights go out)
Okay, this scene requires explanation. The names that aren't from the show from here on out (besides Jeff) are all members of the chorus when we did Anything Goes!; that's why you don't recognize them. Just a note. Hope this is good, cuz I'm not in the mood to proofread! Hah!