Scene 4
Mrs. H:I love forced marriages, don't you?
Hope & Evie:No.
Mrs. H.:Well you aren't the overbearing, oppressive mother in this equation, are you? When you're broke and you want to marry your kids off to get money for yourself, you can force them to marry any old dweeb you want.
Captain:(dressed as John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever") Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to give our last respects to Evelyn Whatchamacallit.
Evie:What!
Captain:Haha! Just kidding! That comes later!
Moon:(dressed like a Chinese person) Hold it right there, Mr. Man Called Charlotte!
Evie:It's Evelyn! What do I have to do to get you to call me by my name?
Moon:Give me all your money!
Evie:Well, I've only got $300,000 on me right now…
Moon:That good enough! (snatches money away and stuffs it down his shirt)
Billy:Moving on! You no get married!
Evie:I'm not? Hooray!
Billy:You a man-whore! Impregnate little sister when you in China!
Moon:Something about sow-ee wild oats!
All:(cringe) Eeeeew!
Evie:Huh?
Reno:Hey, play along, baby.
Evie:Oh! I see!
Mrs. H.:Ha! That can't be true! Evelyn is the picture of a well-behaved young man! He's practically a saint! They only want your money, Evie! Tell me they only want your money!
Evie:Nope, I'm afraid I really did "romp in the rice".
AllEeeew! Will you stop it!
Mrs. H.:Oh! (swoons and passes out. Angels try to catch her, but miss and she falls onto the floor)
Billy:Oh, well. I guess we don't need these costumes anymore.
Moon:Hey, where did we get these anyway?
Chinese:Hey!
Moon:We didn't steal them from these guys, did we?
Ling:No, you didn't.
Ching:And for future reference, we're not guys.
Ling:We're girls. And we're not Chinese, either.
Ching:We're from the FBI. Chorus mistreatment department.
Ling:We're here to start a revolution.
Ching:And my name is Mary.
Ling:And I'm Jane. So ha!
Leads:(stare at them) Whatever…
Tobie: RRRRRR!
Korey:Argh!
Beth:We're not kidding.
Shane:We're coming to get you. (pokes Billy with a mop)
Cory:(hisses like a cat)
David:Vive la Revolution!
(Lennon, McCartney, and Billy Joel wheel in on pianos and flats with their instruments)
Musicians:Are you all ready?
Mary & Jane:Hit it!
"Revolution" (Paul – Bass, John – Guitar, Billy Joel – Piano)
John:Hey leads, this is a revolution
Well you know we're gonna steal the ship
You know that's the only solution
Which goes to show, you should love your chorus a bit
But when you kick them all around,
They're gonna throw you to the ground,
And it's not gonna be all right,
Yeah right, all right!
Paul:You say you'll make a contribution
Well too bad, it's a little late for that!
It's a chorus evolution
And you know the chorus knows where it's at
And if you think their costumes are so funny
You're gonna be losing a lot of money
Cause it's not gonna be all right
That's right, tonight!
Billy Joel:Don't think you'll join their Revolution,
Hey kid, you're gonna lose your head
We're gonna write a constitution
And you're gonna end up dead
Cause when you puttin' the chorus down
They're gonna kick your sorry asses out of town
Don't you know it won't be all right,
Yeah right, tonight!
All Three:Oh, yeah!
Mrs. H.:So let me get this straight. You lousy chorus people are going to take over the ship?
Mary:Well, actually, we just did. (Mrs. H. looks down and sees herself all tied up by James. Chorus is jamming out to the lovely music of Lennon-McCartney & Billy Joel)
Jane:Yeah, so now we're gonna steer this sucker someplace warm.
SEJ:Huh? You're not taking me back to America, are you?
Mary:Nah. Who wants another criminal in America?
Jane:We're dropping you off in Rio de Jainero.
SEJ:Yes!
Mary:Just kidding!
Jane:We're really arresting you.
Mary:You are an axe murderer, after all!
SEJ:But I never did most of those things!
Jane:Sure, right. Let's go, punk.
SEJ:Aw man! (they exit)
Billy:Oh, Hope! I love you!
Hope:Well, you're all right, but you'd better be willing to lay down some major cash for my exuberant lifestyle! I have to have at least one diamond ring a week or it's no deal!
Billy:Uh, we'll see about that…
Evie:I just had a thought!
Mrs. H.:No!
Billy:Sure!
Reno:An iceberg!
Hope:What?
Evie:No shit!
Reno:Yes!
Mrs. H.:Yes!
Evie:What?
Billy:Just do it!
Mrs. H.:I'm so scared!
Hope:I don't know…
Reno:Here's something peculiar.
Mrs. H:We're all gonna die!
Billy:No!
Mrs. H.:Yes!
Evie:Yes!
Hope:Sure!
Reno:What's going on?
Hope:Help me!
Evie:What do we do now?
Billy:Have you found anything?
Hope:No!
Mrs. H.:Yes!
Evie:Mice!
Reno:Oh, my God!
Moon:WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
All:(whole cast) So though I'm not an Eskimo dancer, I know you're bound to answer when I say so, Everything Snows! (chorus is finally dressed in 30's outfits and all Charleston until the Bishop sprints on. He's dripping wet and has seaweed in his hair)
Bish:Iceberg! Right ahead! (all are silent for a moment, then shrug and continue dancing) Don't you care?
James:No, not really!
Tobie:I've never been to the bottom of the ocean! (huge crashing noise and lights go out. When they come back up, the lights are blue and everyone is still dancing. Bubble noises come on. This all implies that the ship is underwater.)
All:Our boat sank just like the Titanic and now we're all dancing on the sand and that goes to show! Everything snows!
Mrs. H:Lemurs! (Lights go out)
Yeah, the end made absolutely no sense, I know. Now that it's over, I can tell you. It's a very subtle reference to Resident Evil: Outbreak and it's randomly generated phrases. I'm probably the only one who got that, but I was on a Resident Evil kick when we wrote this and that's just how it worked. Try reading it out loud with a bunch of friends, it's kind of funny! Maybe! Oh, whatever! I hope you liked Everything Snows! and maybe I'll get Feetlooze up one of these days… Thanks for reading!
Beth and Lyddia