"Hello everyone I'm your host Ned Quartermaine. I'll start with a
quick recap of last week. We finally got out of the cave just in
time to kick Carly out of the game and piss off Harry Potter's tiki
lantern. Anyway, I welcome you back for the next to last episode of
Port Charles Survivor. That's right, we get it down to our last two
contestants tonight, so let's get the game rolling and get one of
these little shits on their way huh?"

TRIBE MOBBOBKU:

Zander waved at the camera. "Hey America. It's me. Zander. All
alone. No one to talk to. Hey, you want to play cards Mr.
cameraman? I...it'll be fun! We can even play strip if you want."

"But...you're already naked?" came a voice from behind the camera.

Zander laughed and shook his head. "Well yeah. But that's only
because I'm the only one around and my pants don't really fit all
that well anymore, kindy grabby you know? They just didn't stop
growing after I racked myself a few episodes back. I mean, I jack
off a few times a day to relieve the pressure, but here my balls are,
big and dangly. ... H...hey? Where ya goin'? I thought we were
gonna have happy fun time! I promise I won't try to fuck you or
anything!"

Zander let his head fall into his lap. "I've changed. Why won't
anybody believe me?" He stayed like that for a few seconds longer,
thinking of something. "Hmm? I wonder how flexible I really am."

TRIBE COUPLEDUPOUS:

"So, I'm drunk. Yer ugly, fat, and horney. Wanna do sumthin
togethr?"

"No A.J. Sorry but, my heart belongs to another."

"Ah yeah, Luke."

Laura giggled. "Uh, yes. Luke. My completely non leafy, un rooted
husband. I mean that too. About the roots. Have you seen Luke's
head lately? Hard to miss since it ain't hid by hair anymore."

THE CHALLENGE:

Ned led them to the cave they had hid in during the storm. "Okay,
just to make the suspense kill our viewers tonight, this game isn't
for immunity. It's for something even better."

A half naked woman, followed by a half naked man walked out.

Laura stood silent, looking back and forth between the two new people
and a little flower growing out of the cave wall. She winked at it
and made kissy motions at it.

Zander stared and drooled.

A.J. stared, drooled, threw up, then pissed on himself.

"This is Romeo and Juliet. I'm not kidding. Look them up. As you
can guess, you could find them in the yellow pages under "e" for
escorts. But we know they're flat out whores. Anyway, the first
person to get out of this cave gets to spend a sensual night with the
slut of their choice. I won't tell grandfather so don't worry about
your sexual preference Junior."

A.J. just laughed. "Seshual prefince. Those r two fun e words put
tugether. He he."

"Anyway, go!"

A.J. was too busy laughing at words he was making up to get anywhere.

Zander was running for all of his might. But Laura came up close
behind him.

"You're not gonna mess up my chances at being with that sweet piece
of petunia ass back there?"

"Oh you mean Juliet?"

Laura's face twitched. "Y...yeah." She made a feral yell and mowed
Zander down. She quickly reached the mouth of the cave. She stepped
out and smiled. Then she headed back in, stepping on her road kill as
she passed by it.

Zander groaned, peeled himself off the ground, then walked slowly
behind her, completely defeated.

Ned clapped as Laura came up to him. "Bravo. That was great. I
mean, you're pretty fat and you still trucked it out there. Anyway,
which of these cheap tricks are you going to choose?"

Laura looked back and forth, then hung her head in shame. "I...I
can't do it."

Ned's brow went down. "You're giving up your reward?"

"WHAT!" was Zander's shout that shook a bat or two awake.

"I just can't do it. It would be like cheating on my beloved."

Ned shook his head. "Oh yeah, Luke."

Laura put on a fake smile. "That's what people keep saying so yeah."

Ned shrugged. "Okay. That's that. Thanks you syphilis trodden
scum of society. Go home. As for you contestants, you may go back
to your camps as well. Rest up for the tribal council tonight."

The hookers when their way and a few of the contestants went theirs.

But Zander just stood there frozen, staring off into space with a
blank stare. "Uhhu." he whimpered before falling over sideways.

THE VOTE:

Laura: I'm voting for Zander. Just cause he's on the only remaining
member of the other team. And I'm afraid if he stays around another
day he might decide to treat me like shore leave.

Zander: I'm voting for A.J. Cause that bitch is gonna pay. In a
most horrible way. And...uhm..not through the use of bad poetry.

Ned came out with the tallied votes. "The tenth and final person to
be voted out is...A.J."

"What? Howzat possibll? Laurneye am a team. We stuck togethr n
formed and alliance and all that."

Ned's face twisted in confusion. "Uh, you voted for yourself
Junior." Ned pulled up a scribbled on piece of parchment. "Only a
drunken idiot would have written like this. And, seeing as how you
qualify for both of those, we get this memory tonight."

A.J. stared for a second. "Well piss. No no wait." A.J. stuck his
hand down the back side of his pants. "Nope, it's the other one."

Ned's face scrunched into disgust. "Look don't even worry about
bringing me your torch. I can get that you just get out of here and,
for God's sake wash your hands with Clorox."

"K." With that, A.J. began his journey down losers walk. Stopping
to throw up in the woods a time or two. He almost made it to the
cabin, but passed out right at the front door.

Ned just took a deep breath and shook his head. "Anyway, join us
next week when we'll find out who's won Port Charles Survivor. Good
night everyone."