Ned smiled at the camera. "Hey there, glad to see you back after
last week's surprising twist! Which of course was that we jerked you
around and didn't actually give you the answer to who won at the
end. Bet it shocked ya huh? Not that there's a whole lot of people
that care in the first place. I know most of you were probably
hoping that that storm would have come sooner and carried all the
contestants away."

A rousing round of throat clearings went through the area.

"Oh, right, sorry. Got a bit off topic there. Anyway, I'm your host
Ned Quartermaine welcoming you back for the thirteenth and final week
of Port Charles Survivor. Yes we've come a long way and seen a lot
of things. And fortunately lost a lot of people along the way.
Let's reminisce now..."

"Let's not." Zander interrupted.

"But we've got to..."

"Get on with it!" Zander interrupted a second time.

"Get on with it!" Laura agreed.

"Yes, get on with it!" came a British veiled addition.

All three jumped at the strangely dressed man that suddenly appeared
in the area.

Ned, being the one in charge, thought he'd figure out what was going
on. "Who are you?"

"There are some who call me...Tim."

"Ah, Tim, well I think you're looking for a different spoof. This is
General Hospital making fun of Survivor. I think Holy Grail stuff is
down a little bit. Third hallway on your right."

The figure pulled itself up to its fullest height. "I see. Good day
to you then." He started to walk out, but stopped to outstretch his
hand, making a small explosion on the ground. He continued to do so
until he was way out of sight.

"Anyway, without further delay... Except for the dramatic pause the
producers told me to make here. The winner of Port Charles Survivor
is...Laura."

Laura began to jump and holler.

Zander sat there in disbelief. "First she steals my whore, then she
takes my money so I can't buy a whore. How the hell am I going to
get a whore?"

Elizabeth Webber stepped out of the darkness. "Was somebody calling
for me? I'm sure I heard my name at least three times."

Ned gave an annoyed sigh. "Damnit Elizabeth! We were trying to make
it look like we were still out on the island! Ah fuck it, nobody
cares anyway. Lights please!" Ned shouted into the darkness. A few
seconds after he did, bright overhead lights came on, revealing a
stage and an empty auditorium.

Ned looked out at the uncrowd. "Well...uhm, there might be viewers
at home, so we'll still go through this." Ned took his seat in front
of the contestants. "Okay, we've got everyone back. Except for Luke
who we couldn't find and Carly who never showed up at the cabin. We
were afraid the magic torch came to and got her. We're searching the
island as we speak so maybe she'll make it anyway." Ned turned his
attention to the contestants. "So, how have your lives changed since
getting home from the contest?"

Skye wobbled as she stood up. She had a quirky grin on her
face. "Thinshr great. I stared drinkin' again, and Jaxsh and I luv
each other more than evr."

Jax had his big Aussie grin on. "Ees troo. Eye loives me Ski!"

"Right okay I just realized no one gives a damn. So on to my last
question. Laura, what are you going to do now with all this money?"

Laura got a coy look. "Well it has something to do with eloping and
a very tall tree, er uhm, guy. Tall dark and palm leaved. I...I
mean handsome."

Ned shook his head. "Hm...? Again with the not caring." Ned turned
his attention back to the camera. "Anyway, as avid fans of our show,
and by that I mean the people who saw at least one show in the first
few weeks, know that I was not the original host of this. My
grandfather, Edward Quartermaine was until he was driven insane with
joy over the Spencer boy being gone. Well I'm happy to say that he
wasn't faking. I, I mean that he's doing okay and here with us
tonight. Come on out Grandfather."

Edward walked slowly out to Ned. "Hello everyone. I'm also happy to
say that I'm feeling much better. I've put this all behind me and
I'll be glad to be heading home to my wife Lila. Furthermore I would
like to add..."

"Dun."

Edward paused and stared for a few seconds, then continued. "As I
was saying I..."

"Dikka dikka dikka."

Edward cleared his throat. "I refuse to believe in it's existence.
Merely a bread crumb or something."

"In your ear?" Ned asked in confusion.

"Yes. Let me finish. I was..."

"Dun dikka dikka dikka dun."

Edward began to sweat heavily. His eyes darted back and forth. "Oh
my God!"

"Dikka dikka dikka."

"It CAN'T be!"

"AAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"LUCKY!"

The blond boy emerged from the dark auditorium. "That's right old
man. I was fixing to make my comeback and then you snapped and got
taken away. It just wouldn't have been any fun after that so I took
myself out of the game."

"Ssssso...you're not gone forever like my therapist said?" Edward
asked in a whimpering tone.

"Nope. Yer gonna have to find better help."

Edward cried out in pain and slumped to the floor. The white dressed
guys came out and drug him offstage.

Ned sighed and shrugged at the camera. "Well, I guess that's it. I
gotta go anyway. I see a LOT of ELQ running to get done in my
immediate future. Goodnight all.

THE END