Solitude

by Queen of fire and chaos

I sit in silence again watching the night sky. You mumble some excuse I dont really hear. I know the truth of where you're going. To her. To that stone cold witch made of grave dirt and bones. I suck at summaries but please R&R

My solitude

This is based on the song Solitude, by Evanescence. I think I've been wanting to write something like this for a long time but never knew how to quite approach it. So here is the end result. I really hope you enjoy it and will want to click the button at the bottem left.

How many times have you told me you love her?
As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth.
How long have I stood here beside you?
I lived through you, you looked through me.

I sit in silence again watching the night sky. You mumble some excuse I dont really hear. I know the truth of where you're going. To her. To that stone cold witch made of grave dirt and bones.

How can you stand her? How can you bear to breathe in around her? Kouga tells me she smells like a corpse, and I dont disbelieve him. Do you think Im stupid? Do you think I cant see her Shinidama Chuu flying around? As you run off I can feel Sango watching me before Miroku join her and they start talking in whispers about how I just let you run off after Kikyou.

They cant seem to understand that I have no choice. I want it to be Inuyasha's decision to stop seeing her. I cant force him to do anything. His not even mine...not truly... although I wish he were. He never notices how I fade a little more when he leaves. He'll never see the tears that are flowing so slowly down my cheeks. And when he returns, I'll pretend that nothings wrong. Nothing wrong...hah. What a joke that is. If only he knew...if only they all knew how much closer Im slipping to the edge...

Ooo, Solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooo, Solitude
I can't stay away from you

I know that there is a relationship building between Sango and Miroku. Its obviouse if you know the signs to look for. How she spends a little more time with her appearance in the mornings...how he flirts with every girl in sight before returning to put a possesive arm around Sango to stop any male coming near her. How they argue and bicker before reaching an agreement...in many ways Inuyasha and I are like that too. Especially the jealousy that is apparent whenever Kouga appears and flirts with me...but somehow Inuyasha cant see that I hurt so badly when he willingly goes to Kikyou. He can be so blind sometimes...but thats one of the reasons I like...I love him so much. One of the reasons I cant bear to leave him here and return to my own time.

How many times have I done this to myself?
How long will it take before I see?
When will this hole in my heart be mended?
Who now is left alone but me?

I know that when the Shikon no Tama is finally found and Naraku is beaten I wont have an excuse to come here anymore. But I want to. How could I leave Inuyasha? I keep hoping that he'll get a clue and realise how much I care for him...but its very unlikely. I keep wishing...but I shouldnt. Its always when I get my hopes up that they're dashed to the ground. Shattered every time just like the Shikon jewel. Its almost too easy to blame this all on the Shikon no Tama. After all...if it hadnt been torn out of my body when it had, I would never have entered into this whole mess. I would still be at home with a heart that was whole...not divided. A heart that could still smile and be glad. Why is it that everyone has someone? Miroku has Sango...Inuyasha has Kikyou. Ayame will eventually get Kouga but me...? Who do I have? My thoughts? My lonely heart? The pain it feels when I see Kikyou and Inuyasha...no...its dangerous to go down this road. Because then I wont be able to smile again...not for a long time. And I need to so I can continue my facade of normality.

Ooo, Solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooo, Solitude
Only you, Only true

You've always been there for me Inuyasha. To save me from dangers that I didnt see...to save me from enemies and I've began to count on you to always be there for me. It seems that only when Im in danger do you show your true feelings for me. I remember when you thought I had died...how you cried for me...It hurts you to think that I wouldnt be around ne? Maybe its a start. Maybe after the first kiss we shared you melted a little bit. Maybe you'll learn to love me back...

Everyone leaves me stranded,
forgotten, abandoned
left behind.
I can't stay here another night

And now that its bed time I return to my solitude. What can I do when this sorrow holds not only my waking thoughts captive? What do I do when it also appears every night in my nightmares? How can I go to sleep? In my dreams I see visions of everyone leaving me. Sango and Miroku going to start a family. Inuyasha following Kikyou to hell...Kouga and Ayame ruling the wolf packs...and there I am. In the mountains. Cold, empty and afraid. I call out for Inuyasha but he doesnt hear me. He's too deeply infatuated with his dead ex. And as I wake from a cold sweat I know that I cant stay here and be happy. That I cant live a lie. I need to know where Inuyasha stands...but Im afraid to find out. Because once he says it, it'll be real. If I leave now maybe I can save myself the heartbreak. Maybe I can pretend to get on with my life...I need to go home and clear my head. I need to...break free.

Your secret admirer, who could it be?

Can't you see all along it was me?
How can you be so blind as to see right through me?

I get up and start to walk away. I've left a note on my pillow, telling the others that Im going home. I know they'll understand. As I walk through the forest I feel the tears building up again and a light rain falls to help compliment my mood. I cant help shake the feeling I'll be alone forever. That I will be left in this empty solitude. Abandoned. Neglected. Unloved. The tears cascade off my face and I let out all the pain I've been feeling for ever so long. The sobs shake my body and I fall to my knees. The pain is like a tidal wave knocking me off balance. I hear mocking laughter and look up through my tear haze to see Kikyou standing beside me.

" It seems that you've realised what must happen." she said, a small smile playing on her lips. Her eyes have a slight glimmer of what almost looks like pity...no it couldnt be. Not from Kikyou.

" Ki...Kikyou..." Kagome whispered before looking down in pain before a flash of anger makes her defiant. How can she let Kikyou win? Looking up again she sees there is no one there. Her choked sobs started to subside as she looked around her in confusion. She could have sworn that her rival had been right there.

Despair claws at her soul again and dragging herself to her feet, she trudges towards the well. She needed to get this over with before she loses the courage.

Solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooo, solitude
I can't stay away from you

As she reached the clearing she saw the well. Starting to walk forward hesitantly she stopped short as she felt the approach of an evil jaki...turning around she just managed to jump to one side to avoid the fangs of a giant snake who swung around and slithered towards her once more. She realised she hadnt left the Shikon shards behind and that was why the mononoko was after her. Stupid! And she hadnt brought her bow and arrows either...Well, she would be damned if she was going to call for help. If she could just make it to the well in time she could jump down and be safe...setting off with a sprint she felt the monster closing in...she wasnt going to make it in time. Tripping she realised her fate was sealed. Well at least that would solve her problem. She would no longer have to live with her feelings. Lying still she waited for the jaws to close over her...for her air supply to depleat and the inevitable death to occur. Opening her eyes when after afew seconds nothing happened she looked straight into Inuyasha's golden orbs. "I..Inuyasha.." she whispered in shock. Out of all the scenarios that had just raced through her mind this had never been one of them.

" Kagome...what are you doing at this time of night?" he growled angry at the girl for being so foolish. Didnt she know that it was too dangerous for her to wander around freely without him to protect her?

"I...Inuyasha...Im...I was..." she started to cry again leaving the hanyou to stare in confusion at her.

" Hey Kagome, whats wrong?" he asked in concern. His nose picking up things he hadnt noticed before like despair, confusion, and underlying it all a will to die that scared him. The waves of sorrow and pain flowed over his nose making it itch unbearably and he wondered how long this had been going on for it to have grown so strong. He reached forward to hold her but she pulled herself out of his arms and stood shaking.

" What is it?" he asked frightened by her actions " Whats wrong?"

" I cant do this anymore Inuyasha...you dont know how this is tearing me up inside. I cant do this alone anymore."

" Huh?" He was stumped. What was she talking about?

" Oh dont act as if your that dumb. I love you Baka!" she shouted before continuing in a much softer voice that reflected her shattered heart. " Yes, thats right. I love you...I always have and Im afraid that I always will. Cant you tell how it breaks my heart everytime I see you going to Kikyou? Cant you tell that I would do anything for you? And its not fair because I cant lay claim to your heart. It seems that you always have and always will put Kikyou first above anything and anyone else. Dont you understand? Im leaving. Kikyou can help you find the shikon shards. Im going to go home and am going to try and forget about you and how you make me feel...and how..." she started to cry. " Im...Im sorry Inuyasha..." she said before making up her mind to do what she'd been longing to do...she leaned forward and kissed him. Sorrow and sweetness mixed in the rain that fell on them. Trembling Kagome broke off the kiss and ran. She had to get away before she changed her mind. Her stomache did flip-flops and she wanted nothing more then to return and let him hold her and tell her that it'd be alright. But the odds of him doing that were miniscule. As she jumped into the well she wondered how she was going to now live with herself.

Solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooo, Solitude
Only you, Only true

Inuyasha stood there staring at her retreating form. She...she loves me. His mind whispered over and over. Raising a hand to his mouth he touched his lips. The air still lingered with Kagomes smell and his mind raced. She was gone. She was truly gone.

Making up his mind he lept after her.His form moving so fast all anyone watching would see would be a red blur. Little more then afew minutes after Kagome had jumped into the well he followed her. He knew he couldnt live without her.

Ja ne

Mwahahahahaha! Well I hope you liked the first installment, I am planning to do a sequal to this, depending on how many reviews I get, and how much time I have to write it.

Ja ne

Queen of Fire and Chaos