Title: Not Exactly a Damsel in Distress or Four Ways John Sheppard Doesn't Save Rodney McKay

Rating: Teen, Contains a little bit of everything het, slash, gen, and crack.

Spoilers: None.

Summary: SGA Fairy Tales: Rodpunzel, The Three Little Scientists and the Big Bad Wraith, Rodneylocks and the Three Marines, and Rodney and Ronon.

A/N Thanks to Kate98, technosage, and Caroly214 for being the best betas and encouraging me to write crack.

Rodpunzel

Sir John Sheppard was on a quest to find the most beautiful princess (or prince – he wasn't an overly picky knight) in all the land to take home and present to his parents as his intended bride. Sir John had been riding around on his trusty steed for four hours when he saw the tower. He was about to approach to look for doors or windows when a man showed up on a horse. Sir John, being the good, stealthy knight that he was, stayed behind the tree line and watched as the man approached the tower.

When the man got to the base of the tower he looked up and shouted. "Rodpunzel, Rodpunzel, let down your hair!"

"Okay, Koyla," a mostly-masculine voice called down from the tower. "How long is this going to last? I mean seriously, first of all, my name? It's NOT RODPUNZEL, it's Rodney, and second, you are the idiot who put me up in this tower. You'd think you would have had a way to come visit or GET ME OUT when you left me up here. And third, you see this receding hair line? I don't know what King Radek told you, but there is no way my hair is EVER going to grow long enough for you to use it to climb up here. AND even if it did grow that long? Hello, pain! Sensitive follicles here! That's so not gonna happen."

Sir John was immediately taken by the voice in the tower; he had been questing for hours and had yet to hear a voice that captivating. Sir John knew he had to rescue this "Rodney" from the evil Koyla.

When Koyla rode off, Sir John approached the tower. He had yet to develop a plan to save Rodney, but he was a smart and cunning knight – he would think of something.

Sir John looked up and shouted. "Rodpunzel, Rodpunzel, let down your hair!"

"Alright, that's it, I'M DONE!" Rodney shouted from the tower. "You know I was never big on this whole 'let's trade Rodney to Koyla for a ZPM so Queen Elizabeth doesn't die' thing. But I figured, she was longing for one so badly it made her ill, and she is my friend and Queen so I should make a noble sacrifice. BUT I thought you would have me doing WORK. BUT n-o-o you stick ME UP IN A TOWER, alone, with no work. And then you constantly annoy me by trying to get me to 'let down my hair' SO THAT IT'S. I'm LEAVING!"

Sir John was confused. He thought there was no way out of the tower. "Fair Rodney, I am not the evil Koyla; I am Sir John, a knight, come to rescue you!"

Rodney looked out the window again. "Oh, I guess you're not Koyla. And rescue me? Do I look like someone who needs rescuing?"

John thought about that for a moment. "Well, Fair Rodney, you do appear to be trapped up in a tower, with no apparent means of ingress or egress, so yes; it does appear that you need rescuing."

"Well, I don't. That was just a show for Koyla. I've had the means to leave for weeks now, I just haven't yet wanted to leave. I mean this place has free food, cable TV, and internet. I was just waiting until the food was about to run out before I made my escape. I only have about two days of food left. So, Sir John, or whoever you are, as long as you are there you can help me leave, by steadying the end of the rope I made."

Rodney threw a rope down to John and started shimmying down. When he reached the bottom Rodney looked up at John. "That your horse?"

"Yes, it is, Fair Rodney. Would you like a ride to the nearest town, or I shall take you to my Kingdom and introduce you to my parents?"

"Sure, I'll go meet your parents, but first cut the 'Fair Rodney' crap. That's almost as bad as Rodpunzel." Sir John helped Rodney up on his horse and the two started riding away.

"Do you have cable TV in your Kingdom? And food? I need lots food, I have hypoglycemia, and I'm deathly allergic to citrus, so I'm probably going to need a royal taster or something and . . ." And with that Sir John and Rodney rode off into the sunset.