"I cannot believe Sheppard just sent us off into the woods like that! Man should have paired me off with Teyla, but no, he stuck me with YOU!" Ronon looked very disgruntled as he walked through the woods.
McKay didn't look much happier. "Yes, because I am oh-so-excited to be stuck wandering around the woods with a man who doesn't know how to use utensils properly or the meaning of the term 'personal hygiene.'"
"What are you doing, McKay? Stop breaking off twigs, you're going to give away our position." Ronon grabbed Rodney's arm to prevent him from breaking another twig.
"Leaving a path was the POINT! Sheppard may trust you and think you have a good sense of direction BUT I am not so confident to depend on you finding our way back to the gate. So, if you wouldn't mind getting your hand OFF my arm, I would appreciate it."
"I know where we are going and I know how to get back, McKay! I did survive being HUNTED for SEVEN years. I do believe the first time I met you, you were hanging upside down in a tree." Ronon raised one eyebrow and looked at McKay.
"Really? Because from where I'm standing, you don't appear to have any clue as to where we are. We have passed by this tree before. I think you have us going in circles. This is great, just great, I am going to die in the woods with a Neanderthal, who doesn't know north from south." Rodney clicked his radio "McKay to Sheppard, McKay to Sheppard. Seriously Sheppard, this is not funny, RESPOND." Rodney's voice got an octave higher as he realized that Sheppard was not going to respond.
"McKay, calm down! I think we are out of radio range. If we just head back this way we should get within distance and you can radio Sheppard."
"Okay, that's IT! I've had it. Four hours of stoic silence and wandering, I cannot take a minute more. I'm running out of PowerBars, I'm tired, I'm sore and I'M NOT GOING ANY FURTHER." Rodney sat down in the grass in front of Ronon.
"Get up, McKay!" Ronon gave Rodney his most intimidating look.
"No!" Rodney gave Ronon his most stubborn look.
"No? Fine. Find your own way back to the gate." And with that Ronon started walking again.
"Ronon! You cannot just leave me here. Seriously, Ronon? STOP. Okay fine wait up, I'm on my way." Rodney got up and ran to catch up with Ronon, just as Ronon stopped dead and raised his hand.
"What? What? What do you see? Why are you stopping now?"
"Silence McKay, I smell something." Ronon stopped and sniffed the air, looking something like a cross between a Labrador retriever and a large angry bear.
"Smell something? What are you Cujo? Ronon? Ronon? Where are you going? Stop that, come back here." Ronon headed off at a run through the woods. Rodney had no choice but to follow.
They had been running for five minutes when they reached a little house. The house appeared to be built of bread and covered with cakes. The windows were clear sugar with brown trim.
"Is that what I think it is?" Rodney gave Ronon a questioning look.
"Yes, McKay, it is a house made entirely of food. I know you know what food is, I've seen you eat enough of it." Ronon walked up to the side of the house and licked the door frame.
Rodney started screaming at Ronon. "What are you doing! You have no idea where that has been, who has touched it, what it's made of, who else has licked it! That is so unsanitary . . .well? What does it taste like? Is there citrus in it? You know I'm allergic to citrus, right?"
"Tastes like the stuff you guys call chocolate."
"Really? Chocolate you say? Well, you're still alive." Rodney walked over to a window and broke a piece off. He looked at it for a second, as if deciding whether or not he really wanted to eat it, and put the piece in his mouth.
"Oomghomgh, this is divine. This is like Lindor chocolate or Godiva." Rodney turned to Ronon to discuss an eating plan but Ronon had already moved on from the door to the roof shingles.
Ronon was enjoying the roof so much he tore off a gigantic shingle and was stuffing as much as he could in his mouth. Rodney was still working on the window. He realized the panes were made of a clear sugar, and he accidentally knocked one out trying to get at the chocolate support bars.
Suddenly the door opened, and a woman who looked as old as Atlantis creeped out. Rodney was so startled by her appearance he dropped his chocolate bar. Ronon just kept on eating.
"Hello, boys. Would you like to come inside? I have been cooking all afternoon and have much food to share with you. No harm will come to you. I would just prefer you eat in my kitchen and not eat my house." Rodney and Ronon looked at each other for a moment trying to decide what to do. After a quick consultation they decided it wouldn't hurt to meet some locals. Besides, Rodney was really tired, cranky and hungry and Ronon was just hungry, so they followed the woman into her house.
The woman fed them better than Ronon had eaten in his entire life and Rodney since he left earth. She was sweet and kind and treated them like beloved sons.
All throughout the meal Rodney had been talking to the old woman about her wonderful cooking, and could she make more of those? What did she call them? Oh yes, Nutty bars. And he lives with some really smart people who have lots of neat technology and he's sure they could set up some form of a trade agreement for her food. And if he could just get a look at her stove, he might be able to upgrade it for her.
Little did Rodney know that this was playing right into her evil plot to cook and eat him.
"Ronon, my dear boy, would you please go outside and fetch me a pail of water? My arms are so frail, and I have so much trouble. You are a strapping young lad and I would really appreciate the help." The old lady had a mean gleam in her eyes as spoke.
Ronon, a naturally suspicious person, got even more suspicious of the lady when she called him "dear boy." No one had ever called him "dear boy," not even his mother. He didn't want to tip the lady off though. "Sure, Ma'am, I'd be happy to help you out," and with that Ronon headed outside.
"Rodney, dear, my oven is over here; would you have a look at it please?" The old lady led Rodney over to her oven, which was already heating up. The woman planned to entice Rodney to lean into the oven, and once he was inside, shut the oven and let him bake.
Rodney walked over to the oven and looked it over. "Hmm. I think we have some parts back at our base I could use to upgrade this and give it more power."
"That would be lovely, dear," the little old lady replied, "you know, before you leave I've been having some problems with the back of the oven. Would you mind checking it out for me?"
As Rodney leaned into the oven to check the back, the little old lady, who was surprisingly stronger than she looked, grabbed his legs and tried to push him in the oven.
"WHAT! What the hell are you doing! LET ME GO!" Rodney screamed and started kicking. Ronon, who had been standing outside the door waiting for something to go wrong, came running in when he heard Rodney scream.
He grabbed the little old lady and pulled his gun on her. "Let him go." The little old lady took one look at Ronon and his gun, and while Rodney would have been a plump meal, she dropped his legs and backed away. Ronon walked up to the oven and yanked Rodney out.
"Ouch, watch out there! Delicate baking scientist here. Ohmigod, my hair? Is my hair still there? Is it singed? Does my skin look pinker to you? She tried to cook me!" Rodney sat on the floor in a heap all upset.
Just at the that moment Rodney's radio crackled to life "McKay? Dex? This is Sheppard. Teyla and I are back at the jumper, where are you? What's your status?"
Rodney clicked on his radio and replied to John "This is McKay. Ronon and I are just fine. We are a few miles from the gate. We're heading back now. McKay out."
Rodney clicked off his radio, turned, and screamed at Ronon. "What are you waiting for? What haven't you killed her yet? She tried to COOK ME! You pull your gun and act all cool and like 'I'm Mr. Wraith-hunter,' but wimp out about killing a cannibalistic woman?"
"She looks kinda like my Grandmother. I can't kill my grandmother."
"Okay, fine, you know what? I'm leaving. And I am NEVER being paired off with you again, I don't care what Sheppard says. AND no it makes no difference that you saved me. I wouldn't have gotten into this mess if it wasn't for you. This is this the last time I eat something with you off world." And with that Rodney stalked out of the house and started hiking towards the gate, or, well, the direction he thought the gate was in. Ronon followed.
When Rodney and Ronon got back to the jumper, Rodney snarking the whole way, they filled John in on what had happened.
"Hey, McKay, your skin's looking a little pink there. Want some aloe?" John tried to keep a straight face but couldn't get over the fact someone had tried to EAT Rodney.
"Please? Aloe? Phhh. Hand me my pack, I have some industrial strength burn cream with a butter cream base. I don't even know how I'm going to factor this into my Radiation calculations. You know what? We have to fly the jumper back to the hut, I have no idea how much radiation was in that oven, I need to go take measurements."
John, Teyla, and Ronon, taking one look at Rodney's pink skin and singed hair all said "NO!" and John started the jumper towards home.
"Fine, but you are never sending me off alone with Ronon again, do you hear me? NEVER. I don't care how many times I've almost died with you. With him? I almost got COOKED." Rodney looked at John in a huff.
"Okay, Rodney, never again." John gave Rodney a placating look and flew the jumper through the gate where they all lived happily ever after in Atlantis.