Chapter Two: Sanity Test

It was probably Kryten's imagination, but he was fairly, almost, 100 percent sure that the washing machine had broken down due to suspicious circumstances. True, his only evidence that it was not simply a technical fault was a large mallet embedded in its side, but the idea that someone would destroy a washing machines, his washing machine, was ludicrous. Who could possibly benefit from the crew having dirty clothes? "Now I shall to wash all this laundry by hand," Kryten sighed. "I shall have to wash them all by myself... It'll take hours. Oh happy day!" Kryten squealed with joy and gathered up the clothes. "Well, I hope the tumble drier doesn't break as well. Then I shall have to stand around with Mr Cat's hairdryer all day trying to dry them. Now that would indeed be a travesty."

"Kryten, what are you mumbling about?" Rimmer scoffed from the doorway, supping his coffee. "You broke the washing machine on purpose."

"I'm not sure what you are insinuating, sir."

"I saw you! You came down here this morning and whacked the washing machine to death so that you could have a few extra hours doing chores. You really are pathetic."

Kryten held his head high to retain a little of his dignity and answered stiffly, "Well that is quite impossible, sir. I would never do such a thing. I'm insulted that you think I am a one-dimensional android with a laundry fetish. I was probably just standby-walking." Rimmer paused in mid-sip. "Standby-walking. Standby-walking?"

"Why are you drinking that bean-based beverage?"

"Don't change the subject, Kryten."

"Sir, I must protest. Supplies are low enough already. You can't even digest it. It just returns again intact."

"Exactly. Then anyone who wants to re-drink it is quite welcome to." Kryten screwed up his face at Rimmer. "Surely not?"

" Perfectly sanitary. I haven't heard them complain so far."

Another face distortion, followed by a groan, "Oh sir... Mr Lister is having a bad influence on you. You are becoming increasingly crude and he in turn is becoming sarcastic. You are adopting each other's nasty habits."

"I don't have any nasty habits. Not now and not ever." Kryten looked around cautiously. He crept over to Rimmer and told him in a frightened whisper, "You don't floss anymore. You just run the brush over your gums and swirl a bit of mouthwash around and you're done. What happened to brushing up and down for exactly one minute and twenty-three seconds followed by two rinses, a gargle and a swirl? It was one of the only things admirable about you, sir. Your habitual attention to cleanliness."

"Well I'm tired in the evening; I don't have the time anymore."

"And your diet, sir. You used to exercise regularly and eat fresh holo-greens." Kryten stopped and scurried away as the Cat wandered in with a howl of delight. "Done," he said triumphantly and handed over a sheet of blank paper to Kryten. Kryten admired the paper at arm's length. "Sir, we are going to have to teach you to write one day. Engaging nasal sensors."

"What's that?"

"My sanity test."

"My god... that time again?" Rimmer moaned and handed the Cat his coffee. "Thanks, goalpost-head. Hmm, doesn't taste like it usually does." Kryten frowned at the cup but said nothing as he handed the Cat the paper. "Perfect again, Mr Cat."

"Is this really necessary every month?"

"Certainly Mr Rimmer. Your job on this ship is to keep Mr Lister in a state of sanity. If you are incapable of performing this task then there is no reason to keep you online. The Cat and I agreed it was only fair to have sanity tests for us all. The slightest lack of mental instability could put us all at risk, especially if it is Mr Lister.."

"Not to mention that if Lister fails the test, I get switched off."

"Hey, that thought never crossed our minds, buddy. I just want to make sure I don't go nuts and do something stupid."

"Like wear an 'Emo' band t-shirt or pink flip-flops." The Cat looked at Rimmer in utter horror. "Don't even joke about that."

"OK, sir. This test shouldn't take more than a few minutes." Lister nodded at Kryten as compliantly as he could. Which was difficult when he was on the final boss of an emulation of an old computer game named 'Starwing'. "Now then sir, question one: What colour is an orange?"

"Can't I go first Kryten? You won't get an answer out of him when he's like that."

"Mr Lister, your answer?" Lister howled in disappointment as his tiny arrow-shaped ship crashed and burnt. The hologram and mechanoid watched Lister as he ranted and screamed and came up with a thousand insults suitable for degrading a talking fox and his animal comrades. "Right, what did you want?" he said finally, cracking open a beer.

"What colour is an orange, sir?"

"Orange you dingbat, why?" Lister laughed. Kryten nodded and jotted down the answer. "Mr Rimmer?"

"It depends on the type of orange and the lighting."

"Oh smeg, this is one of those sanity tests, innit? I hate these." Rimmer smiled at the grumbling Lister. It wasn't very often he got to show off his superior intellect. Not since the terrible Trivial Pursuit incident. He was coughing up pie slices for a week. One even shot out of his left nostril whilst he was laughing at Lister when he ran over the Cat's foot on his lunar buggy. "Next question: what day is it?"

"Today?"

"And Mr Rimmer?"

"Time is irrelative as we are in deep space, but according to the calendar it is 'Sanity Test Day'.

"And finally, who are you?

"Oh I get it," Lister grinned, "who I am, if I do indeed exist, can be categorised into several answers. The first being my species - human or homo sapiens; secondly my handle of David Lister, which is relative of who raised me - David being my uncle's name and Lis-"

"Sir, you have gone mad!"

"What?"

"The answers are relative to your personality. I expect that kind of anal retentive answer from Mr Rimmer, and the Cat would say "I'm me - if I was anyone else there'd be no point in living because I'd be ugly!" and from you I expect something obvious and unimaginative. Oh dear, oh dear, you are ill..." Kryten scribbled his worried thoughts down. Lister sighed and scratched his life-weary head. He hoped Rimmer would say something to make Kryten realise what an idiot he was being. No such luck. "Kryten, man, stop it. I'm perfectly sane. And apart from the urge to throw Rimmer into the garbage disposal now and then, I have no intention of putting the crew in danger."

"I'll remember that comment tonight," Rimmer growled. Lister kissed the air at him and threw a mouthful of beer down his throat. Kryten gathered the notes together, and with a false sigh went to do the washing up.