Playing the Part

By: Shrk-bait

Chapter 11: Confessions & Confounding Thoughts

We cannot really love anybody with whom we cannot laugh. -- Agnes Repplier

Lily stared up into the ever-changing fluffs floating in the air above her, flaming hair spread around her head on the grass. It was nice, the cool blades brushing gently against her neck.

"Knut for your thoughts?" Kira offered, staring quizzically at Lily's stolid expression.

"For every one of these thoughts," Lily pointed to her head, closing her eyes momentarily. "You'd have to pay far more than that to comprehend the workings of my mind."

"Two Knuts, then?" Kira suggested jokingly.

Lily chuckled, folding her arms across her stomach. Then, silence. A few minutes later, Lily's meek voice penetrated the tranquility.

"Am I a horrible person? Tell me honestly." Lily inquired, sitting up abruptly.

"You must be joking, Lily. You're one of the nicest people I know. Good hearted, caring, loyal . . ." Charlotte responded, intending to continue the long list of positive attributes Lily seemed to possess.

"You idiot. You're not still going on about James Potter and how guilty you're feeling for yelling at him, are you?" Kira asked irritably.

"Maybe I am. It's just . . . he didn't deserve it that time. He really didn't."

"So go apologize. If you really feel that guilty, stop being so mean to him. Wasn't it youwho proposed a truce in the first place? Well, this isn't very truce-like. Either way, he probably forgot about it." She remarked wisely.

"But what if he didn't?"

"You won't know unless you talk to him. By the way, aren't you late for your tutoring session?" Charlotte reminded her, standing up and brushing the pieces of grass that clung to her robes.

"Damn! I forgot." Lily exclaimed, rushing off towards the school. "Why didn't you remind me earlier?"

"Oh, 'twas my mistake, Master. I didn't realize that I needed to keep track of all your activities. Can you ever forgive me?" Charlotte hollered sarcastically as Lily sprinted away.

"Oh, I'm sure you'll manage to find someway to repay me! Make my bed and have a mint lying on my pillow, perhaps?" Lily spun around, jogging backwards and winking to her two friends.

"The girl is hopeless." Kira muttered, laughing heartily.

Lily wrenched on the handle, cheeks flushed as she entered the cool Charms classroom and fanned her face.

"You're late, Lily!" a boy muttered, feigning irritation.

"I realize that. Just think of it as payback for all those times you kept me waiting." She responded coolly, sitting down across the table and brandishing her wand.

"C'mon. I had good excu—I mean, reasons, for being a tad bit behind schedule." He insisted, also pulling out his wand. "You have to believe me. I mean, would I lie to you?"

"You're beginning to sound like a certain Gryffindor who's obsessed with himself. I've had one too many encounters with that one. Perhaps he's rubbing off his bothersome little habits on you."

"You're talking about James Potter, aren't you?"

"Zeno, do you know any other Gryffindor narcissists around here?"

"He's not that bad, Lily. Honestly, he isn't. I don't know why you dislike him so much. I mean, if you've ever actually talked to the guy, he's a rather decent fellow."

"I guess you're somewhat correct, but he has yet to prove that to me. He's shown that he can harbor actual feelings of compassion towards others, but I'm still quite skeptical about it all. Would you like me to continue, or am I boring you?"

"Please do. I am here to serve, m'lady. So by all means, continue."

"Right. I'll tell you the truth, merely because you are a trustworthy person and we've known each other since I had to shove you through the passageway at King's Cross. You've been like the troublesome little brother I've never had, so I trust you to cut all the crap and give me your honest opinion, mingled with a bit of advice if you have any to offer. If you dare repeat the details of this conversation to any other living soul, I swear to Merlin that you will not live to regret it. Got that?"

Zeno's eyes grew wide and he gulped, yet nodded encouragingly.

"To tell you the truth, I feel like a dreadful human being for always being so inhumanly horrid to Potter. I keep tell myself that I'm going to make a conscious effort to be civil towards him, but every time he even says something, I forget about everything I said."

He motioned for her to continue, so she took a deep breath and poured it all out. Something about the young boy made him seem so easy to talk to – so impartial – and slow to judge, something Lily felt she desperately needed.

"I know I'm always scolding him for being such a bullying git, but in actuality, I think someone deep inside me knows that I'm much worse than he is. He dislikes the Slytherins for an extremely petty reason, just like I dislike him for an equally petty reason. I'm no better than he is, yet I've been pretending that I'm on this gilded, raised platform of higher morals and principles the entire time. Really, I think I hate him so much, because he's something I could only aspire to be, but never actually achieve."

She exhaled, still amazed that she was admitting everything she'd ever thought about James Potter aloud.

"He's got this sort of raw talent and it irks me that he only uses half his brain for a good reason, while letting the other half go to waste through his pranks. I could never do that. I have to use every ounce of cleverness and brilliance that I may possess just to stay at the top. I could never let loose, at least not without sacrificing this respectable, responsible reputation I've struggled so hard to perfect. Sometimes, I wish I could be more like him. I wish I didn't have to live up to these expectations of politeness and dependability. Being as carefree and spontaneous as he and his friend are . . . it's sometime I could only dream of."

"Wow. I had no idea. You hide it well. The only real piece of advice an inexperienced 2nd year such as myself would be able to give you is simply to observe James Potter. See how he does it. If you truly want to stop hating him, you've got to let go all your feelings and end this comparison that you keep making. Hopefully that'll be enough to trigger peace between the two of you."

Lily stared thoughtfully at him, absentmindedly tapping her cheek lazily with her wand.

People had given her the same advice before, but something about the way he put it – his words, his sincerity, his concern – it was somehow more convincing. Perhaps it was the simple fact that even he, a much younger, less experienced person, immediately recognized her character flaw and how she could make amends for it. Or perhaps it was simply because one more time of hearing it was just what she needed to convince her. Either way, it worked.

She broke out into a broad smile, realization dawning on her face.

"You're an absolutely brilliant kid, if only you weren't such a stinker at Charms. Well, can't be good at everything, now can we? I'll try out your advice. Who knows, maybe you're right."

"Good. You two are some of the most fascinatingly entertaining people I've ever met, and it'd be a shame to see you continue this endless quarreling, when everyone knows it's not what either of you truly wants. Let's get on with the instructing then, shall we? Chapter 5, cheering charms. Oh greaaat . . ."

Lily shot him a confused glance at his last insightful comment, but quickly dismissed her troubled thoughts in order to teach him how to perform a proper cheering charm.

The kid is an absolute genius. Deathly clever, that boy. If only he could do an actual charm that actually worked, she thought. 'It'd be a shame to see you continue this endless quarreling, when everyone knows it's not what either of you truly wants.' What either of us truly wants? I wonder what he meant by that.

"This is a rather large assignment. It can . . . oh, what's the expression those Muggles use . . . make or break . . . your final results in this class." Professor Aphidius announced, rubbing his hands together anxiously.

The class groaned, the clarity of the breezy autumn day cluttered by the Professor's disquieting news.

"Oh goodness. Give it a rest, all of you! You may work in pairs . . ." he muttered, less than pleased with the class' immediate reaction to his project.

"Hell yes! That's what I'm talking about! You're a decent man, Aphie." Sirius burst out, immediately standing up and placing a hand upon James' shoulder, implying their partnership.

"Hold it right there, Mr. Black. You didn't think I was that gullible, did you? Allowing you to be partners with our, Mr. Potter here? I think not. The groups will consist of one girl and one boy."

"Whaaat? That's not fair!" Sirius protested, his mouth hanging open as the class watched on, obviously amused.

"Life is never fair, Mr. Black. I suggest you deal with it. After I've finished explaining the assignment, choose your partners quickly, or I'll be sure to do it for you." He announced, the maliciousness in his last words sending slight chills throughout the greenhouse.

"Herbology was supposed to be the easy class." Sirius grumbled, leaning languidly against the table, completely disregarding the Professor's explanation.

"Tell me about it." Peter agreed. "Well, we might as well search for some semi-intelligent ladies, or we'll end up with half-wits who still think that photosynthesis is a way that Muggles develop film."

The Marauders agreed, all thinking to themselves what a bother the entire ordeal would turn out to be. And they were correct.

Minutes after Professor Aphidius finished his lengthy explanation, a group of giddy girls had crowded together, arguing over who would have the privilege of becoming partners with each Marauder.

"I'm with Sirius! I claim him!"

"No, I have dibs! I said he would be my partner a long time before you even came along. You can partner with Remus."

"No, she can't! I said I'd be with Remus. Be with Peter."

"As long as I get James as a partner, you girls can fight all you want."

"Sorry, honey, but James wouldn't be your partner. You're doing horribly in this class. I'm sure he would want someone much more intelligent."

"I can't choose which one! Peter is the best at Herbology, right? I'll be with him."

"That's not fair. Why should you get to be with Peter and take the highest grade for yourself?"

James glanced over at the gathering of bickering ladies and rolled his eyes, then turning back to his friends and making the universal gag sign. Remus laughed, entirely amused by the situation. Sirius raised his eyebrows suggestively, clearly pleased by the antics of the young ladies. They were Marauders and it was to be expected, considering their status at Hogwarts.

"See anyone you'd like to be partners with?" Remus inquired, scanning the room casually.

"Plenty, Remus old chap. The problem is, I'd prefer to get a decent mark on this. Considering my requirements, I'd say the selection is fairly small." Sirius analyzed, noting that the majority of girls fighting over them also happened to be the same half-wits that Peter had mentioned earlier.

James shrugged in response, his eyes lingering just a moment on a cluster of three Gryffindor girls who seemed both amused and disgusted by their female classmates. They talked amongst themselves, clearly impervious to the Marauder charm.

Just then, Peter was swept up by a domineering Ravenclaw, leaving three remaining Marauders for the girls to stake claim on.

"This is getting ridiculous. I'm choosing a partner." Remus remarked decidedly, casually rising from his seat and moving across the room.

"He's right, you know. I, for one, do not want to be stuck with some brainless twit. No matter how bloody gorgeous she is." Sirius smirked.

"Lily, be my partner. Maybe you'd like to join me for a butterbeer sometime, as well." Derek Harrison, in Lily's opinion, a bothersome member of the Ravenclaw house, spoke.

"Erm . . . no, thanks. I think I've already got my partner in mind." She responded coldly, not bothering to look the guy in the face.

He trudged off, Lily barely acknowledging his presence in the first place.

"You've got someone in mind? Who?" Charlotte asked, not recalling anyone else asking Lily to be their partner.

"No one. I just don't think I could stand being paired up with that prat again. The lasttime I was with him, he kept trying to seduce me or something with his non-existent charm and degrading groping 'skills'. I can't handle that again." She muttered bitterly, eyes still narrowed in the direction of the squawking pack of girls.

"Look at them! It's so laughable, yet incredibly pathetic at the same time." Kira laughed, glancing over at the argument taking place just a few tables away.

"Agreed. It's just an assignment. It's not like they'll get to marry them or anything." Charlotte giggled, leaving the table to go talk to one of her Ravenclaw friends who had caught her eye.

Lily noticed from the corner of her eye that Derek was not giving up so easily and had begun to approach once more. She quickly scurried off, leaving the always unobservant Kira ranting to herself.

"They're deluded, that's all. All the bright people in this class have already found their partners or are avoiding the whole spat over the Marauders. You know, I almost have to feel sorry for the Marauders, knowing that they'll probably end up with some horridly dull cows who will be of absolutely no use whatsoever." Kira seethed, more to herself than anyone else.

"Yes, I sort of figured that out myself, which would explain my presence here." James inched into Kira's one-person conversation, flashing a friendly smile. "Now, if you would kindly explain why you're raving to yourself about the tribulations that my comrades and I are currently facing . . ."

"W-what? Well, if you must know, I was talking to Charlotte and Lily, before they abandoned me without my knowledge and left me in a horribly embarrassing situation. What is it to you?" she eyed him beadily, skepticism upon her face.

"I always like to know if a girl is sane before I ask for her to be my partner. You know, because sanity is sort of a plus when doing projects like these." He winked.

"Wait. Are you asking if you can be my partner?" she sputtered incredulously. "Why?"

"Well, you see, it all started when Professor Aphidius gave us this bloody assignment . . . would you like me to continue?"

"Fast forward just a tad."

"I really didn't fancy doing all the work by myself while some girl stares at me in a stalker-ish manner and I noticed you didn't have a partner, so I figured that we could be partners."

"But we hardly know each other. We've been coldly civil since the day we met, seeing as how you hate one of my best friends and her feelings are mutual. So of all the girls, why would you bother asking me?"

"You're just like her, always suspicious of everyone. No wonder you two are friends." James chuckled. "I don't think we should be so distant. Just because Evans and I don't get along, doesn't mean we shouldn't. It's not that way with me and Charlotte, so I don't see why it should be that way between me and you. Right?"

"Heh. I guess you're right. Okay. I accept, but I still think Lily's going to have a fit. But you better not make me do this alone."

"I won't, don't worry. As for Evans, well I'm sure she'll get over it. After intensely glaring at me and probably spending long hours muttering about what an egotistical git I am."

Kira and James burst out in laughter, finally melting the frozen wall of simply being casual acquaintances that they'd placed between themselves.

Their laughter rang through the greenhouse, capturing the attention of Lily Evans, who just happened to be hiding behind a particularly large potted plant.

Her eyes grew wide as she saw them both smiling, joking around like old friends. It wasn't that she was jealous. She knew Kira's interest was certainly not in thatparticular Marauder. And it wouldn't matter, even if she was interested in Potter. She didn't care about Potter and was certainly not jealous of anyone associated with him.

It was the fact that Potter had rejected all those girls who desperate to be paired up with him. He used to choose the prettiest girl of the lot, being the hormone-driven member of the male species that he was.

Why didn't he choose one of them? It's not possible that he could've changed, she thought. Is it?

She shifted her attention to the girls still fighting over the remaining Marauders, sneering at their pathetic antics.

"What kind of shallow, dim nitwit would waste time arguing with other ridiculously obsessive nitwits over the Marauders?" Lily scoffed, a look of pure repulsion on her face. "What's so special about them, anyway?"

"Everything, m'dear. Absolutely everything." a voice responded from behind her.

Lily spun around to see Sirius Black leaning casually against the wall, arms folded across his chest and a cocky smirk upon his face.

"I'm sure. So, what brings you to these parts? Shouldn't you be surrounding yourself with your adoring fans, all competing against each other for your precious attention?" she retorted scathingly, secretly glad that he had approached her.

After all, Derek had just discovered Lily's whereabouts and was about to pester her even more, before Sirius' intimidating appearance caused him to make a slight change of plans.

"See, Miss Evans. That is what's wrong with you. You're quite scatterbrained. You forget that I never like to do what is expected of me, and since you expect me to surround myself with those . . . eh hem . . . ladies . . . I obviously can't do that, now can I? So the only logical thing that I could possibly do is what is not expected of me and come have a nice little chat with you." He explained, stormy gray eyes twinkling mischievously.

"You're mind seems to be utterly exhausting. I marvel at how you can possibly live with such a confounding thought process."

"Ah, that's the beauty of it. It is the simple fact that I am Sirius Black. But we'll get into that later. As I was saying, since what I do is always unforeseen and shocking, I'd say the most bewildering thing I could possibly do at the moment would be to request that you become my partner for this damned . . . I mean, lovely project. So how about it?"

"Why not?" she shrugged nonchalantly. "It won't be dull, that's for sure. I accept your offer."

"Marvelous, oh fair one. We'll shake on it."

He extended his hand, which she gladly shook, smiling broadly. She couldn't help but feel a bit uneasy, considering the fact that many pairs of eyes were glaring jealously at her.

With Sirius' ever-present comedic skills to distract her, thoughts of James Potter possibly being a more decent person than she had previously believed had once again been pushed to the far reaches of her mind.

He; however, was a completely different story. Though his attention was captured by Kira's lively tales and flagrant sense of humor, the green tints hidden beneath the calm hazel hues of his eyes simply refused to disappear as he caught tiny glimpses of her laughing figure.