Playing the Part
By: Shrk-bait
Chapter 14: Breaking the Surface
You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. -- Barbara DeAngelis
"Mister Potter, Sir! So nice of Mister Potter, sir, to visit us! It has been such a long while since Mister Potter has come!" a squeaky house elf greeted, fiddling with his Hogwarts crest.
"I know, Nobb. I've been really busy lately. But, I brought a friend this time." He pointed out, gesturing to Lily, who was straggling behind in the outskirts of the kitchen.
"Oy Evans! What are you doing all the way back here?" he chuckled at her lack of temerity. "They're house elves, not goblins."
"Yes, Miss does not need to be afraid. Nobb shall get Miss anything of her heart's desire. Any friend of Mister Potter is a friend of ours." The house elves chorused in unison.
"Well, thank you very much!" she grinned nervously, though she continued to stand rooted to the spot.
Seeing that Lily was not intending to do anything anytime soon, James whispered a short request for food in the ear of a rather plump house elf. In an instant, a dozen house elves appeared, carrying an assortment of foods ranging from smoked ham to bottles of butterbeer to figgy pudding.
"Potter! I can't eat all this!" Lily exclaimed, gawking at the display of delectable edibles in front of her.
"I know. That's why I'm here." He explained as he began to gather heaps of food onto his bare plate.
James licked sauce off his lips and looked up from his platter across the table at Lily. She had spooned small portions of food onto her dish, leaving quite a bit of the white porcelain in sight. Unlike James, she seemed to be eating slowly and steadily, occasionally taking a small sip of butterbeer and wiping her mouth courteously with a napkin.
"Evans. There's really no need to impress me with your polite manners." he frowned, watching as Lily took another small bite of ham.
"I'm not! Please, don't flatter yourself." She snuffed, turning herself away from James, just in case her face decided to betray her by turning the least bit red.
"It seems as if you are to me." James retorted, smirking at the familiarity of their usual teasing games.
"You're the most infuriating person I've ever met in my entire life!" she screeched, slamming down her utensils on the table with indignation.
"I'm well aware of that. In fact, that's the reason why everyone adores me so." He remarked, putting on an air of haughtiness and pomposity. "How could anyone not love me? I'm the essence of lovability, the epitome of perfection, the –"
"Shut it already."
And with that, she began stabbing vigorously at her food, shoving it into her mouth and emphasizing her chews as to prove to James that she was dead set against being polite for his sake.
Just to make it perfectly clear, she swallowed a massive mouthful and grinned exaggeratedly at James, who chuckled amusedly in return and continued to eat.
For quite some time, both of them did nothing but eat excessively, occasionally looking up at the other and smiling slightly.
Lily leaned back in her seat, her genteel mannerisms completely evaporated in the kitchen's atmosphere. James too was seated in a somewhat uncivilized position, the table of food practically cleared in front of him.
"Job well done, Evans. Didn't think you had it in you." He credited, waving his arm about lazily.
"Well I proved youwrong, didn't I, Potter! Hurrah for me!" Lily hiccupped taking another swig of butterbeer. "Hurrah hurrah!"
"I think that's enough butterbeer for you. You're getting just a smidge loonier than usual." He strutted over to Lily and attempted to grab the bottle out of her clutches.
"No! I'm not finished yet!" she wailed, glaring at him viciously, letting the butterbeer slip into James' hands.
He smirked cockily and swirled the remaining liquid around in the bottle and tipped his head up, letting the last drops slide into his mouth. Lily watched tetchily as her scant amount of butterbeer disappeared into James' stomach.
"C'mon. It's late and we've both got class tomorrow." He snickered, motioning for her to follow him.
"Right away, Sir." She mocked, saluting him and ducking under his arm into the warmth of his Invisibility cloak.
They tiptoed silently through Hogwarts in companionable silence.
Once they had entered the tower, James whipped off the cloak and tucked it under his arm.
"Hey James, thanks for taking me to the kitchens. I really appreciate it." She thanked him gratuitously.
"No problem. I never thought I'd live to see the day when Lily Evans nearly emptied the kitchen." He chortled, slapping her heartily on the arm. "Wait until the guys hear about this. Sirius will be devastated at the thought that you could rival him in nasty eating habits."
With the mention of Sirius' name, Lily froze her smile diminishing.
"Wait, Potter. You can't just go around telling people about this." She insisted, her tone almost pleading.
"Okay . . . how about just the Marauders. They'd love to hear about the rude, crude, boorish side of the perfect Head Girl."
"No! Please . . . can't we just keep this between us two?"
He frowned, folding his arms across his chest and staring down at Lily, who refused to make eye contact and instead had her eye fixated on the carpeting.
"I get it, Evans. I really was too naïve to think that you would actually want to make peace with me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that you're not willing to tell anyone because you're ashamed." the tone of his voice grew harsher, increasing in volume. "Be honest! You, the very embodiment of perfection at Hogwarts, can not possibly let people know that you associate with an irresponsible troublemaker such as myself – the opposite of everything you have worked so hard to exemplify."
"NO! I mean . . . yes! No, I mean . . . you don't understand, Potter!" she insisted, shaking her head fervently.
"Oh, I understand perfectly. I'm not an idiot, you know. You said you wanted to make peace with me, but really, you don't care whether or not we're at peace, just as long as we're not fighting and I'll agree to cooperate with you without making a fuss."
"Well, its better than fighting and being mortified because we're Heads and we still haven't been able to resolve our differences. Isn't it better that we pretend to be friends so we can just get the year over with and never have to deal with each other again?"
"No, Evans! It's not! I don't like having fake friends. In fact, I have less respect for people who pretend to be friends with me than my enemies!" he spat, his fists balled and his face twisted with disappointment and anger.
"Well, that's just absurd . . . you're impossible to deal with." She responded weakly, not knowing what else she could possibly say to refute him because in fact, everything he said was right.
"You know, Evans, I really thought we could get along this year. I was actually looking forward to settling this whole argumentative relationship we've harbored for the past 6 years, but I guess I was being to optimistic." He chuckled cynically. "If you ever want to really be friends, you know where to find me."
With that, he stalked off into his own room, leaving Lily and her guilt in the darkened hallway.
The Great Hall bustled with the sounds of chattering students and the aroma of breakfast wafting through the air.
Lily clapped her hands to her face, rubbing it slightly; well aware of the unhealthy bags forming underneath her eyes. Those bags were a direct result of her lack of sleep. No matter how she tried, his words continued to replay in her mind, a broken record that she couldn't rid herself of.
She stood at the entrance in a dazed stupor until she saw a flashing hand in front of her face.
"Oh, hello." Lily addressed her friend, lacking greatly in enthusiasm.
"You're not looking so great, Lily. You should really think about getting some more rest." Charlotte advised, smiling encouragingly.
"Yeah, I know. Hey Char, where's Kira?" Lily asked curiously.
"I'm not quite sure. She mentioned something about settling a dispute with Remus and then dashed off." Charlotte shrugged.
Lily scanned the hall for the Marauders and sure enough, there Kira happened to be, seated next to Remus Lupin. For a second, she surveyed them with interest.
She had to admit jealousy. There was no other way to describe it. Kira and Remus, as much as they both attempted to deny it, were extremely close.
And it made Lily greatly envious.
She could only hope to have such a relationship where personal flaws were willingly exposed. But alas, such a friendship was unattainable for Lily Evans, the girl who simply would not put herself on the cutting board for everyone to slice away at her blemishes until there was nothing left of her.
"Are you okay, Lily?" Charlotte asked, deeply concerned by the contemplative look on her friend's face. "I have to go talk to my Herbology partner, but if you want, I can stay here with you . . ."
"Yes, I'm fine, really." Lily responded quickly, assuring Charlotte that she was perfectly normal and pretending as if nothing was on her mind, which was, of course, an utter lie. "Go ahead."
Charlotte thanked her with a short nod and meandered over to the Ravenclaw table.
She wasn't particularly hungry and everyone seemed to be distracted by something or someone else, leaving her feeling somewhat left out and abandoned. So she remained standing and experienced a sudden wave of resentment for the seemingly carefree students who were able to achieve the sort of balanced happiness that continued to elude her.
"Remus Lupin, you must be joking. There is absolutely no evidence to support that people prefer chocolate frogs to sugar quills." Kira insisted huffily.
"What does practically everyone have collected in a drawer somewhere? Wizard cards. Where does one obtain these cards? From Chocolate Frogs, that's where. Face it; people buy more chocolate frogs than sugar quills. It's a fact." He responded wittily, attention rapt in their heated debate. "Everyone knows it."
"Well, everyone is wrong. You can eat sugar quills in class without getting them confiscated, which is what would happen with chocolate frogs. Plus, I'm almost positive that sugar quills promote greater use of ones brain."
"Is that so? State your information source, please."
"Erm . . . I . . . I mean, the source wishes to remain anonymous."
"How can I be sure that this source is legitimate? You can't always trust anonymous sources, you know."
"Oh, well, you can trust this one. Trust me."
"Alright, I'll take your word for it." He chuckled, grinning broadly.
She smiled as well, giggling softly. While observing their banter, Lily couldn't help but smile as well. Everything about the Marauders was so utterly appealing. Just the way they lived. Clearly Kira had no problem entering their carefree world. Lily, on the other hand, resisted with every fiber of her being.
Her eyes moved to where Sirius and James were being their usual selves by eating endless trays of breakfast and acting foolish. They carried on mocking Remus and Kira by fluttering their eyelashes numerous times and blowing kisses to each other. Lily thought it was highly amusing, though she stubbornly pursed her lips.
Soon after, Sirius, having the attention span of a gnat, had taken to arguing with Remus and insisting that he had not been making fun of anyone – especially not Remus. James expertly avoided the confrontation and was feeling rather smug because of it. His eyes twinkled mischievously and he let out a great laugh, the cheeriness radiating from him.
After the events that had taken place the previous night, her whole perception of James had changed.
Before, what he said was absolutely correct. She never intended to become true friends with him. It would've all been so much simpler if they had just continued being civil acquaintances until the end of the school year.
But after that incident, she truthfully did want to settle all her problems with him and come to some sort of resolution. A real friendship with James – any of the Marauders, in fact – proved to be quite a challenge for Lily. Entering their world terrified her.
She, who was so focused on pleasing everyone, who was so frightened of spontaneity, couldn't imagine willing exposing her numerous faults, which was basically what being with the Marauders was.
Their life was so careless and unlike hers.
It was a step that Lily was not willing to take, no matter how much her heart wanted to. Her wishes had little say in what her mind thought was best.
But perhaps it was time for a change.
She'd been living her entire life, shadowed by her own fear of failure. Who knew what spontaneity would do to her life. For the better, for the worse, Lily wanted to know.
It was such a silly thing to harp over and yet, there she was, standing blankly in the huge doorway of the Great Hall, wishing she was brave enough to make mistakes and disappoint people and do unexpected things and let go of all regret and live.
And so, exhaling deeply and blinking nervously, she decided.
It was time for her to stop thinking so much.