Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or Monty Python or a Porsche. All I own is my own idiocy.
Onward, Patsy!
Chapter 3: Of Edoras and Pink Tights
Finally Gandalf stopped the Porsche on top of a hill. He looked at Legolas in his rearview mirror.
"Look towards the East, Legolas. What can you see?" He addressed the Elf.
Legolas swallowed, and said in a rather stuffy voice,
"I believe I could get a better view if I stepped out, if you don't mind...." He shot a desperate look at Gandalf.
A slight smirk played on the wizard's lips as he said, "Of course, my dear elf. Go ahead."
Legolas practically bashed himself against the door in his haste to get out of the evil box that imprisoned him with Gimli and the Smell. Once out, he took a good deep breath of lovely clean air before shading his eyes with a long slender hand and looking out across the golden fields of Rohan.
Once he caught sight of Edoras, he reported back to Gandalf in the car.
"I see a white stream that comes down from the snows," he said. "Where it issues from the shadow of the vale a green hill rises upon the east. A dike and mighty wall and thorny fence encircle it. Within there rise the roofs of houses; and in the midst, set upon a green terrace, there stands aloft a great hall of Men. And it seems to my eyes that it is thatched with gold."
"Very eloquent!" Gimli said under his breath.
Gandalf elaborated. "You see well, Legolas. That is Edoras, and the golden hall of Meduseld. There dwells Theoden, King of Rohan ... whose mind is overthrown. Let us drive to ... Meduseld!"
Merry tune strikes up, as men tap dance on tables ... ...
"We're guards of Rohan's Capital!
We dance around and never fall!
We do routines, and chorus scenes, with eyeliner like barbie dolls;
We dine well here in Meduseld,
We eat brownies after orcs we fell!
(dancing)
We're guards of Rohan's Capital!
Our armor's state is laughable!
Oh many days,
We're given lays,
That are quite untranslatable!
We're not so fat in Edoras,
We sing from the diaphragm in farce!
In war we're tough and able,
Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable,
Between our quests,
We make bad jests,
And impersonate Thorongil!
It's a bit too loud in Meduseld -
I have to count the orcs we've felled!"
Gandalf sighed. "I am afraid we must go to Meduseld, although it is a silly place."
"Right."
"Right."
"Right."
As they careened up to the gates of Edoras, two guards jumped up and began to interrogate in Rohirric.
"Who are you that come riding heedless over the plain thus strangely clad, driving a Porsche like to that of our own Porsches? That is one of the Mearas, unless our eyes are cheated by some spell. Say, are you not spies from Saruman, or phantoms of his craft? Speak now and be swift!"
"We are no phantoms," said Aragorn, "nor do your eyes cheat you. For indeed this is your own Porsche that we drive, as you knew well ere you asked. Yet seldom does thief ride home to stable. We are friends of Rohan, and of Theoden, your King."
"Oh, shuddup, Aragorn. Time is pressing! Sauron sees friends, or those who should be, stalling over small quarrels, as he readies his armies for the blow that will crush the Free Lands of Middle Earth, and he laughs. We are here to speak with your King, not bicker over small things," said Gandalf.
Guard #2eyed them suspiciously, but Guard #1 finally consented.
"You may pass, but let me be the first to warn you: you at least, Mithrandir, will no longer find welcome in the halls of Meduseld, for Grima, called the Wormtongue, has given you an evil name, and we fear that- " he was cut off by Guard #2, who said, "It is not our place to say."
Guard #1 finished by saying, "Seek what hope you may!" as the gates creaked open.
As the travelers walked through the village, Gimli commented on the extreme cleanliness of things: "You'll find more litter in Central Park," he said gravely. The others were too preoccupied to heed his strange comment, except one.
Aragorn immediately knew what was wrong when he happened to glance over to his right.
There, walking beside him, was the ghost of Theodred.
The Dúnadan risked a glance to his left. An identical spectre trailed him on that side.
Aragorn felt a very girlie shriek rising up in his chest, and tried to halt it, but to no avail. Just as the first notes of terror were about to break out into the wind, he was forcefully silenced by a Rohirric flag blowing into his mouth and face.
After the fearsome piece of cloth was extricated from his face by Legolas, Aragorn whispered "I see dead people," as beads of cold sweat appeared on his forehead.
"Aragorn, you're not even King yet, and already you're talking nonsensically. I thought the stress-related failing of mind was not supposed to start until after coronation?"Gandalf said, almost to himself. "Come, we have work to do here," he goaded.
As they walked down the long hall of Meduseld, they noticed dark-looking men trailing them in the shadows by the walls. Legolas and Gimli's eyes narrowed as they calculated how many men they were going to have to take on, weapon-less and single handed.
Wormtongue stopped their progress towards the throne, and started stating drabble about how ill news is said to be an ill guest. Gandalf silenced him with his staff, alerting the evil men in the shadows to attack.
As Aragorn and Legolas whacked and whopped, Gimli stood by and waited for his chance. Finally, Wormtongue was thrown on the floor and Gimli put a large booted foot on the terrified Grima's chest, saying with a smirk,
"I'd stay still if I were you, and I valued my pride."
Once the exorcism of Saruman was over, and Theoden no longer looked like he'd been swimming in hot cocoa for too long, he said irritably,
"You should have just left me, you know. I was having a most lovely dream, all about food, and I wasn't having to think at all, because someone else was doing it for me."
"We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril," Gandalf reminded him.
"I don't think I was."
"Yes you were, you were in terrible peril."
"Look, let him come back and I'll face the peril."
"No, it's too perilous."
"Look, I want to have as much peril as I can."
"No, we've got to save Rohan. Come on!"
"Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?"
"No, it's unhealthy."
"Bet you're gay."
"No I'm not. That's my actor."
Theoden and Gandalf's little quarrel was broken up by Grima's pitiful cry of "No!"
They turned to see Gimli, still standing over Grima with one foot on the poor man's chest, holding a disgusting Wormtongue-sized pair of pink tights and a tutu.
"It's this or die," Gimli said warningly. By now, they had attracted the attention of most of the court.
"Fine," said Grima sulkily. The King looked at him, and an evil smile crossed his face.
Vengeance at last! he thought to himself.
"Let it be known, that the the punishment for Grima, called the Wormtongue, is to be carried out by our most worthy Dwarf, Gimli Gloin's son, in whatever fashion he sees fit," Theoden announced in a loud voice.
Grima returned from the bathroom five minutes later wearing a complete pink ballet outfit, leotard, tights, tutu and all.
Even Legolas had to grimace at the appalling ensemble.
But this was not all. As if being seen by Eowyn in such an embarrassing façade was not enough, Gimli then instructed Grima to do a few leaps and bounds in classic ballet style.
At the very first leap, Wormtongue fell flat on his face at Eowyn's feet, earning him a lovely split lip. He soldiered on however, and ended his eccentric performance by snarling something profane in the general direction of Gandalf.
Finally, Theoden consented to give him a horse and be rid of him. He galloped through the gates and away, and Guards #1 and #2 could see flashes of pink in the hills until the most unfortunate Grima disappeared over the horizon.
What a story he would have to tell Saruman when he came through the gates of Orthanc in a pink tutu!
Author's Note: The flashes of pink are NOT THAT kind of flashes, you pervy people! Ick, I wouldn't want to see Grima's bum... Did anyone notice Bombur's line from The Hobbit, about how wonderful his dream was? I gave it to Théoden, I don't know why - my brain does wierd things. Oh yeah... reviews would be nice, if you have the time!
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