Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it. Oh and I have nothing against Sam's Club either, it just seemed to fit.

To Erulasse: Your review was funnier than my story! Is that even legal?! I almost died laughing! Yes, I totally agree about the donuts... and the cheese, but 'pretzels' was one of the words my friend gave me, so I had to use it (see a/n of ch. 4). I don't have the Lumberjack Song, but I'll try to get it, my friend has a big green fuzzy top hat, I can just imagine Legsie in it! snurt The latter part of this chapter's for you mellon-nin, I hope you don't mind my use of your idea! Thank you and enjoy!

To Tears of the Flames: Thank you and I hope you enjoy this!

Let's get on with it, shall we?

Chapter Five: Mandos Have My Visa

All went well and was exceedingly boring after Gimli's little incident, until, one day…

"Chi è stato sedere nella mia sedia?" ha detto il Piccolo Orso. "E chi è stato mangiare la mia crema d'avena?"

"Eh… le sbagliata storia, spiacente, spiacente, wrong, wrong story, very sorry," said the little Italian man, as he hurriedly packed his briefcase and scurried away.

"GET ON WITH IT!" "Oh, anyway, on to chapter five, which is a smashing chapter with some lovely acting, in which - oolp!"

Háma and Gamling rode ahead of the main body of people, scouting the land for danger. They were skirting a cliff, when suddenly, Háma's horse snorted and shied backwards away from the cliff.

"What is it? Háma?" questioned Gamling.

"I'm not sure." Lines of worry were etched into Gamling's face. He looked around for the source of his horse's nervousness, but saw nothing.

"LOOK UP, YOU IDIOT, LOOK UP! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT NOBODY EVER LOOKS UP?!" screamed 50 crazed fangirls off set.

He did look up – but too late. A Sam's Club catalog flew down and hit him in the face, knocking him from atop his horse. He yelled as the evil paper came towards him, but just as it was about to engulf him in its evil money-making schemes, a miraculous arrow whizzed down out of the sky, felling it where it fell (a/n: don't ask).

Gamling helped him up, and they made all haste back to the rest of the group, hoping against hope that they could be the first bearers of the ill news – but they were foiled once again, by some dude out of the North who thought he was King of Gondor!

Aragorn skidded down the hill.

"Sam's Club! We're under attack!" he yelled frantically, effectively sending the whole population of Rohan's Capital into panic.

Théoden took control of the situation.

"All riders to the head of the column," he called. He marshaled about 30 riders, and then rode over to Éowyn.

"You must lead the people to Helm's Depp," he told her.

"But it's not in my idiom! I can fight!" she protested.

"No!" he said forcefully. "You must do this, for me."

Something in his eyes told her to behave. She dropped her hands from her horse's mane, and gave Hasufel's reins to Aragorn. He jumped on, and rode halfway up the hill, then stopped and looked back. For one fleeting moment, Éowyn felt all mushy inside, but quickly recovered and led the people on.

A great battle ensued, during which the forces of materialism threatened to overtake the men. They fought violently and valiantly, but not many could hold their own over Saruman's overly happy salespeople and low, low price guarantees.

Éowyn walked through the miniature streets of Helm's Depp, overseeing the feeding, housing and storing, while getting rather annoyed at the endlessly repeated motifs of the famous warrior, Depp. She sat down on a pile of horse rugs and started talking aloud to a bubble because she was bored.

"I swear, this is worse than the JFK airport terminal at Christmas! Only, here, you can't even find decent plumbing," she mumbled. "And if I see one more potato, I'm going to kick it all the way to Mordor!"

The bubble didn't answer.

"Who art thou, most worthy bubble? I charge thee to give us thy name!"

She stared at it for a moment, and then almost had a heart attack. It answered.

"We are King Bouncy, of the provincial estate of Bubbles. We have come to answer your plea. See!" it said. "Here we give you a basket of Delphiniums, to deal with as you will. They are better than potatoes! Good bye."

The bubble floated away, leaving the stunned Éowyn to regard said basket of delphiniums on her lap. She began eating them ravenously, and when she was finished she potted the rest and set them on the outer walls of the Hornburg. When King Bouncy came back and asked her what in all of Arda was she doing, she told it that her battle strategy would be revealed only to Théoden King.

She was back down in the tiny streets when the remnants of the small army that had battled Sam's Club rode in.

"So few, so few of you have returned," she said, looking anxiously over the heads of the people.

"Our people are safe," he answered staunchly.

Gimli waddled over to her.

"My lady," he said shakily.

She turned to him with a strange look in her eyes. "Lord Aragorn; where is he?"

"He fell," he said, then started to rant - in Italian. "Un altro un perso! Abbiamo pensato la nostra Amicizia era indelebile, ma comincia a guardare piuttosto immangiabile ed irriconoscibile! Dapprima era Gandalf, poi Boromir ed i Hobbit, poi l'altro due hobbit, ed adesso Aragorn! Che noi sono fare, oh ciò che sono noi fare..." he trailed off and comforted Éowyn by stroking her long golden hair. He had a thing for long golden hair.

Being his close friends, Gimli, Legolas and Éowyn went into mourning for a day and a night, sleeping on frozen pillows and stroking each others long golden hair. Oookay....

Aragorn lay on a stony beach near the river. The sun shone relentlessly, and the water rippled on and on. He felt almost at peace with the world, until...

"DEE DEE DEE! DEE DEE DEE DEE, DEE DEE DEE! DEE DEE - " He sat bolt upright, the high-pitched, annoying tune of his cell phone's "Spam Song" ring tone jolting him back to reality.

"Hello?"

"Eh, hello?"

"Ah! Where are you, my dear boy?"

" groan I could probably ask you the same question, Gandalf, but I'm lying at the bottom of a river gorge, feeling like I'm about to die. I've been having a lovely time, visited Mandos, came back to my cell ringing..."

"Well, I suppose I shall see you tommorrow then. Your horse is right behind you if you'd bother to look, and there's an Uruk-Plaque army on the way to Helm's Depp, so you'd better get a move on already! Good bye, and good luck!" With that the wizard hung up on him.

He mounted his horse, and rode hard toward Helm's Depp, encountering the plaque-covered Uruk-Hai on the way, and having to take a detour to get past them.

Aragorn entered the outer hall of the Hornburg.

Legolas walked over to him, calm, cool and collected, and told him serenely, "You're late. You look terrible. How'd you get Mandos to let you off, anyway?"

Aragorn smiled and chuckled, "I gave him my Visa."

Legolas shook his head and gave him Arwen's pendant.

"Once they get to the wall, we shall dropthe flower pots upon their heads, stunning them and making them drop onto other Uruks, therefore stunning them... the old chain reaction theory."

Theoden looked up from discussing battle strategy with Eowyn as the doors to the great hall of the Hornburg flew open dramatically, and there, silouhetted against the sunlight pouring in, stood Aragorn, waiting to be acknowledged.

After Aragorn told Théoden the news, the King wanted to know how many.

"How many?"

"There's going to be 10,000 of the freaky things everwhere, and they're gonna be crawling and you're never going to be able to get away from them and they're going to be little action figures on every toy shelf all over the world and there's gonna be thousands of them and little kids will pick them up from shelves and we'll be put on display in Movie Gallery as cardboard standups, and there's going to be thousands of the freaky things everywhere..."

"How many?"

"10,000 of the evil rubber prosthetics will be hanging in trucks ready to go and there's going to be 10,000 of them in massive computer programs, and we'll be there too, and you'll never be able to get away from them, we're going to be hanging from mobiles in little kids bedrooms and teenage girls will scream every time they see us!!"

"DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE, DEE DEE DEE - "

"Somebody answer the phone for broccoli's sake!"

a/n: I HAVE SLIGHTLY REVISED THIS CHAPTER, i.e. I have taken some off the end because it just didn't fit. That's it.

Hi y'all! You don't have to read this if you don't want to! The writing part of my brain was pretty slow for the past week, but I finally got this out of me system! That last part is from Bernard Hill's commentary on the TT EE DVD, I kind of... cough...replaced certain parts for the sake of decency. I always crack up on his commentary. I'm happy: 1) I'm going to get ROTK: EE on Monday, I can't wait! I am soooooo excited, and jealous of all the people in the UK who got it like 4 days before we in the US did! and 2) My plumbing got fixed! Yay! Okay, well, enough from me,

The Lovely Fluff ArchimedesFactotum