Answers to reviews
ShellMel: Ya know, I thought the same thing about Gimli! And I take you up on it! Check out me other story, it's kinda dormant right now but I did do one chappie! Go see, go see. Will update it soon!
fetch-thranduilion: All Hail Captain Obvious! And Company!
Mortified Penguin: luv yo name! Glad you thought it was funny! I'm trying to make it funny, but I guess that's kinda obvious huh… actually, the mouse does judge the entire homo sapiens race by Aragorn and Eowyn's conduct. Got to watch yerself around mice!
Legolas's Girl 9: I'm glad you got that part! Read on (luv yo name too!)
Mirowood: I never thought of that! But come to think of it, that is what it's like! Hope you enjoy some more.
Chapter 7: In which the Mary-Sue is introduced (don't worry, mary-sue haters!)
It was 2:00 in the morning, everybody was muddy, exhausted, and bored, and the battle looked like it was taking a turn for the worse. Aragorn was doing a good job of rallying the troops and trying to keep up their spirits, but even his own were dropping steadily. The potted delphiniums had all but disappeared, and the elves had even started to run out of arrows.
As I was saying, the battle looked like taking a turn for the worse, when quite suddenly several things happened. The sun popped over the brow of the hill, sending it's brilliant rays filtering into the mass of Uruk-Hai. This gave the men and elves new hype, and they miraculously started pulling jellybeans and spaghetti out of their pockets and grinding it in the faces of the Uruks.
All except Aragorn: he reasoned that such dirty tactics were below him, and secretly he had no idea how to miraculously pull jellybeans and spaghetti out of his pockets, so instead said to the Uruk currently attacking him, "Hairy! I'm going to call you Hairy! Ha ha! Hairy like a dwarf! Yaaa-hahahahahaha!"
To his surprise, the Uruk (who's name, incidentally, was Urgkirk), smiled at him warmly. "Thank you, kind sir! I hath all my time longed for to be a sumptuous Dwarf, and I am most gratitudinous that you hath granted me the honor of being called by that race-name. I must now go find some pie! Farewell!" and with that, Urgkirk the Uruk (who was incidentally captain of the 10,000 Uruks), shook Aragorn's hand and backed down the ladder the way he had come.
Hundreds of Uruks followed suit, knocking each other to the ground as they descended butt-first back down to Terra Firma. Urgkirk headed the charge towards nothing, what would later be called the Hunt for Pie, as the Uruks gradually started a chant:
"PIE! PIE! GO-O PIE! PIE! PIE! LOVELY PIE! PIE! PIE…"
So they chanted, as they marched relentlessly in all different directions in the Hunt for Pie.
The Men and Elves stared at their enemies retreating backs in shock, then promptly began a chant of their own:
"HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!", with Aragorn joining in whole-heartedly – he had, after all, just saved the whole populous of Rohan from the hands of it's enemies, a nice little accomplishment under his belt when he would have to show his 'credentials' to the statesmen of Gondor.
Suddenly he felt something very heavy barrel into him a high speed, knocking him to the ground with a veritable "OOFTHUDFLUMPGAH!"
After lying still for several seconds, because he was a Ranger and his training had included what to do if a wild animal attacked you, he was fairly sure that it was no animal that was currently sitting unceremoniously on his back, judging by the groans coming from the lump of weight. After a few more seconds, he said as solemnly as possible with his face smashed into the stone floor,
"Excuse me, but would you very much mind removing your person from mine, as my buttocks have begun to fall asleep?"
No sooner had he finished his sentence, than he heard a muffled "Yikes!" from atop him, and felt the weight scramble to one side. He got up and dusted himself off, then turned to inspect the personage who had so unceremoniously landed themselves on top of him. What he saw surprised him immensely: a young girl, he gauged about 15, sat looking slightly dazed on the stone floor. Her garb was strange, and seemingly much too warm for the season: a strange-colored woolen scarf was wrapped around her neck, and she was wearing trousers – most unladylike, he thought to himself.
Looking up, he realized that quite a throng had gathered around them to see the spectacularity. 'Ah ha,' he thought with surprising clarity, 'now would be yet another opportune moment to make a show of my authority!' and he immediately put said plan into action.
"Who are you, child, and where do you come from?" he demanded.
The girl shook herself, and smiled up at him brightly. "My real name's Mariannah Suzannah Joanna, but ya know what? Y'all can just call me Teddy! So: I'm Teddy, and I'm from northeastern Texas. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Uuuhhhh…." She looked searchingly at his face, and finally he recovered enough from the shock to say regally, "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, but erm… you can just call me Strider," he finished up hastily.
"Hm, nice name," said Teddy distractedly. Aragorn now noticed that she had flaming orange hair. "So, what is this place, Strider? And do you have any idea at all how I got here?" As she looked at him, the questioning wrinkles in her forehead got noticeably more pronounced, and they kept deepening as she waited for her answer. It took Aragorn a few moments to register that she had asked him a question, but he did eventually come round – only to find that said girl had sat back down and had covered her ears with some round black things of an unknown material. He bent down and tapped her shoulder.
She looked up brightly. "Ah! It's you again! Glad to have you back, Strider! Thought I'd lost you there for a moment! Got the answers to those two easy questions?"
This time he had gained his wits back enough to answer her immediately, and told her, "You are currently sitting on the paving stones of Helm's Depp, the Hornburg, Rohan, west of Middle Earth. And as to your other question, I really have no idea. Now some questions for you: what in Middle Earth are those things over your ears? And why is your hair such an odd colour?"
Teddy giggled. "What? You never heard of a CD player before? Wowie! But then again, I am in Middle Earth, so I suppose not… Strider, before you is a CD player. It plays music without instruments – not magical, but certainly miraculous. And about my hair: I dyed it orange for a party, and then I figured out that I had used permanent dye, so POOF! Now I have orange hair! Always remember, I have a personality the consistency of a carrot peeler, so watch out at all times for my craziness, Strider, watch out…" This last bit was said barely above a hiss while holding onto Aragorn's shirt.
Suddenly, Teddy burst out laughing, letting go of Aragorn's shirt and nearly doubling over from mirth. "The… look… on… your… face," she gasped through the laughter racking her body, "that was just plain PRICELESS! Don't worry about me," she continued when she had got her breath back, "I'm not really crazy, I'm just fun-loving! I think I could teach you some things about fun," she ended mysteriously.
URGKIRK'S STORY
The Uruks led by Urgkirk plunged into the newly rooted forest outside of Helm's Depp, still chanting "PIE! PIE!" and marching. Suddenly some of the Uruks found themselves whacked in the face by the branches, and, after they had been stunned, were picked up and buried by the trees.
Others were a little luckier: Urgkirk, for example. He was a little hardier by nature than some of the others, so when the tree whacked him in the head, he wasn't stunned; in fact, he merely experienced a profound clearing of the senses. As the tree picked him up, he told it politely, "Excuse me, most worthy sir, but are you in the posession of a pie ? I am most dreadfully malnourished."
At this the tree-like being answered, "I am Treebeard. I shall now turn you into a dwarf and give you some pie, as your heart was not meant to be in the posession of an Uruk's body. Good day!" and Urgkirk was promptly set down.
He noticed happily that the ground seemed quite a bit closer than it had been previously.
End of Chapter 7
Author's Note: Hi! I'm not dead, not dead! I don't want to go on the cart! Hopefully you enjoyed all that randomness. and I am a weebl and bob fan, in case you were wondering. Don't worry, this is NOT going to become a mary-sue: she's just going to make things a little more crazy in my Middle Earth. Next up: Gandalf and Teddy sing the Lumberjack Song! (monty python fans, ya know what ah'm on about)
Mare