AUTHOR'S NOTE! (or, I believe I owe y'all an explanation)

On the Mary Sue: I finally realized that she just did not fit in my story! I hated doing that as soon as I posted the chapter, and the reason my update took so long was because I was angsting about what I was going to do with her. Also, the fact that now I'm getting into RotK, and that's hard because now Gandalf's leaving again and I had to decide whether to go with books or movies, so anyway it's hard! So, I've done something very cruel – I'm going to kill Teddy off. Yah, cruel, but essential to my sanity, and she was just going to make things more complicated and become one of those tag-alongs that I hate so very very much. I may just write a Mary Sue with her in it, but she doesn't fit here. Okay, now I've cleared that up…

Disclaimer: I also realized I've been forgetting to put one of these. I don't own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters therein, I'm just playing around in Tolkien's world. Ya happy? No? Well poo on ya then. Just kidding – just don't sue me.

Oh and thank-you's –

Faerlas: thank you I'm glad you think it's funny!

Kitty and Kenny (er, just Kitty actually): Yah you can use the ECC as I said before! Let's spread the word, dwarves are dirty!

Thanx a lot, you guys are the ones that keep me going.

And now, the long-awaited…

Chapter 8: Anachronisms (or, the chapter in which the Mary Sue is killed off, humanely of course)

After the battle of Helm's Depp, the villagers all went back to their respective homes, to rebuild and rekindle life on the grassy plains. The King, the Not King Yet, Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli, Eomer, and about 30 knights rode to Isengard at Gandalf's bidding, knowing not what they would find there. What they found there was not what they were expecting to find there, although they should not have been expecting anything, as they knew not what they would find there. Ahem. What they found there:

The Company rode through the once great outer gate, that now lay by the road, twisted and ruined. The Ents had done their work well, as there were great gaping holes in the walls everywhere, and the interior acres surrounding the Pinnacle of Orthanc were drenched like a Volkswagen in a flooded river.

As they neared a pile of rubble, Legolas saw with his keen eyes two figures, although they were nearly hidden to the others because they blended so well with their surroundings. Merry and Pippin had seen them first, however, and Merry stood up and started reciting as the company reached the rather large mound of dirty popcorn he and Pippin were reclining on.

"Welcome, my Lords," he emphasized regally, "to Isengard!"

Aragorn smiled. He had missed the hobbits' unquenchable cheeriness at Helm's Depp. Maybe he would run a big hobbit kennel when he became King. Suddenly, he found everyone staring at him – "Did I say that out loud?" he wondered out loud. Gandalf shook his head sadly. "Poor boy," he said, mostly to himself. "Poor boy: with your insanity, I hope you manage to sanely gain the throne. Erm," he cleared his throat and said a little louder, "Proceed!"

"You young rascals!" rang out from behind him. "You've led us on and now we find you feasting, and…and…smoking!" Gimli stared hungrily at the mound of dirty popcorn.

"We are sitting on the field of victory, enjoying a few well-earned comforts," Pippin responded indignantly, emphasizing the latter for the pity effect. He got no such thing.

Gandalf scolded him, and told Pippin to get in the Porsche, Shadowfax, while Merry got on Brego with Aragorn – more than a little hesitantly. After all, after hearing that this guy has thoughts about treating your race like dogs, would you feel safe in close proximity to him? And also, Legolas had taught about the Elves' Code of Cleanliness some time ago, and he couldn't help but notice that Aragorn was very dirty. But Merry knuckled down and bore it – if Legolas could bear Gimli, then Merry could bear Aragorn. But phewwweeeee, talk about aromatherapy!

The company rode through the twisted and burning wreckage, Legolas making little 'pungent!' faces and Aragorn occasionally looking around to see if anyone was watching him, and if they were he would spur his horse up to Gandalf and look important for a few minutes. Teddy, who was riding behind Éomer, suddenly slid off into a particularly dark and deep hole in the ground, flailing and screaming while she was sucked into the abyss. Nobody noticed, except that she was never again seen in Middle Earth.

So they continued, until finally they reached the base of the great rock. No one was in sight, so Gandalf opened his mouth to tell Saruman to come out – but Aragorn stopped him. "Can't I do it, just this once? I need the practice," he pleaded. "My lungs haven't really been used for three whole days!" Gandalf sighed and looked up at the sky as if to say, 'Valar, grant me patience…' He then nodded at Aragorn, and backed up so that Aragorn was now at the head of the column of riders.

"Saruman!" the Not King Yet thundered. "Saruman, come out! We've got hobbits, and you don't! nananananana!"

This was too much for Saruman, and he walked out onto a railed balcony about 60 feet above the heads of the accusers.

"Well?" he said suddenly. You see he had become rather bored stuck up in his tower, and enjoyed scaring the pants off people who were accusing him of stuff. "Why must you disturb my rest? Will you give me no peace at all by night or day? Or are you not content with my ruin, and have come to see the fruitage of you labors?" he sneered.

"Saruman, you are an idiot! My little rubber ducky has more brains than you do," shouted an outraged Gimli. "And what's more, carrots and potatoes are not what I'd call a romantic dinner!" Everyone turned to look at him after the latter comment, and he found himself getting very red in the face. "Hey, people, he's up there on the pedestal for you to look at, not me!" It worked – they all turned back to look up at the bored wizard.

A lot of talking between the Wizards and various other people followed, and many venomous words were exchanged, until finally, somehow, Saruman ended up on the very top of the tower, where many runes and such were carved into the black marble, and in past times he had been accustomed to go up on fair nights and study the stars.

Now, however, he had finally got fed up with the motley crew at the bottom of the stairs, and was having fun insulting them left and right. Finally, he was so bored that all of his sanity left him, and he took the great Palantir Coughdrop out of his sleeve and held it up for the world to see.

"See!" he said. "I forgot what I was going to say! Woah! Hey! Yeah! Is that legal? Am I sane?"

Grima now saw that Saruman was totally nuts, and therefore saw his chance. He crept slowly up behind the deranged wizard, while stealthily pulling a dagger from his sleeve. Just as Saruman was about to say something particularly nasty, Grima lost it and jumped on him and stabbed him and killed him! The now dead wizard tumbled off the pinnacle and flew gracefully downwards, until he was impaled on a nasty-looking spike. The Palantir Coughdrop slid silently into the water.

"So ends a miserable existence," Gandalf said gravely. "Well, now that that's over, is there any pipeweed about? I'm trying to quit, but all these toffeys are starting to make my mouth pucker."

Just as he was about to pick up and ride, Pippin suddenly slid out of the back seat of Shadowfax (he's a porsche, remember?) and splashed into the water. He waded over to near the big spike Saruman was impaled on, and picked something up out of the water. He held the giant Coughdrop, and looked deep into it's depths. It seemed to him that a red mist swirled about inside of the heavy oblong. Gandalf just had to ruin it, however: he snatched it away from Pippin as soon as you could say "Jack Rabbits!" and wrapped it safely in his cloak.

The company rode back through the watery wreckage, at length reaching the gates again. There they met a most interesting personage – Treebeard, eldest of the Ents.

"Haven't you forgotten someone?" he said meaningfully. "Master Wormtongue is still to be dealt with," he clarified after getting quizzical looks from Gandalf and Theoden.

"Of course," Aragorn said unenthusiastically. "How could we possibly forget him?"

Gimli, however, could hardly wait to see what mental and emotional damage had been done to Grima from The Ballerina Treatment. Sure enough, when they rode back they found him, standing on the steps, looking a mix of annoyed, irritated, humoruos, and downright mad. And, to Gimli's uttermost joy and satisfaction, he was still wearing the pink tights, leotard, and tutu – although, to all eyes they looked more brown now than pink, probably due to the pleasant little swim Treebeard had forced him to take when he arrived.

"Well," he said blandly, "off of the cutting board, into the pan, as we used to say as children – and that seems to be precisely the position I am in now!"

Gimli looked at him sarcastically piteously. "What, still not enjoying your new attire?" Legolas said from in front of him. "Why, but you must admit that you look undeniably like a beautiful elf-maiden in that wonderful ensemble! Would you like to go to the cinema for a late-night movie and dirty popcorn sometime?" The poor elf's mirth was now plain to see.

Grima had finally had enough. "I didn't go to the University of Communication Skills for nothing," he growled under his breath. "Good people, I am indebted to you for you kindly services. I ask only for one more favor – take me with you, please, and allow me to ride in your midst back to Edoras. I wish now only to live a long and peaceful life."

Théoden looked at him, dumbfounded. Suddenly a little Samwise action figure appeared on his shoulder from out of nowhere. "With your leave, Mr. Théoden, I'd say no! No, Mr. Théoden, no!" said the little plastic advisor. The King regained his wits, although he was still dumbfounded, though now at the little advisor at his shoulder.

He sighed heavily. He had made his decision. He slowly turned to look at Legolas. Their eyes met, and Théoden nodded sadly. Legolas took out an arrow, took aim, and shot Grima squarely in the butt. "AAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed the unfortunate victim. "WHAT THE HECK'S HAPPENED TO THIS CRAZY OLD WORLD! I try to be diplomatic, and you shoot me in the butt! Aaaahhhhhggggg, my lovely little dwarf-wife back home! And mother, darling mother! Good bye!" and with that, he promptly died.

"So ends another miserable existence," Gandalf said gravely again. "There wouldn't happen to be any pipeweed hidden about, would there? I seem to have left mine in me cloak back there."

And with that, the company rode back to the twisted and ruined gates and proceeded to gorge themselves on dirty popcorn and air that smelled like warm root beer (a/n: I salute weird al for that one).

Gandalf enjoyed himself with some well-earned pipeweed, Pippin enjoyed himself by stealing some mini-Palantir Coughdrops that an orc vendor was selling by the side of the road, and Aragorn got a good rest, while everyone else was very careful not to wake him for fear of disturbing the mental healing properties of sleep.

Eventually, the sun went down in a graceful arc, and the entire company fell asleep to await whatever evils the next day would bring.

Author's Note 2: Hola people! I know I'm messing with the storyline a lot, but then this is a crazy story… Reviewers, I'm not sure where to go with this story at this point, so I can use all the input you can spare! I know you've got some, just tell me! Reviewers get a giant bag of oreo's! Just click that lil' periwinkle button down there and to the left! K, til later, and l0oK for the next chapter real soon, it's already written out and on my pc!