Disclaimer: don't own it. I don't own part of it. I don't own all of it. I don't own a word of Lord of the Rings. I am doing this for fun and not for profit. WHAT, DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK SOMEBODY'S GONNA WANNA BUY THIS STORY? Sheesh! Now that is really absurd!

Almost forgot to thank my reviewers!

Legolas' Girl 9: apparently you don't know Monty Python but tha's k! thanks heaps for reviewing!

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Okay people, Chapter 10: O0, fear the big fluffy green top hat!

Late that night, after most of the men and hobbits were utterly and completely sloshed, Gimli lay on a bedroll, snoring soundly and happily while dreaming that Legolas was doing it. Said Elf was, however, doing no such thing, and was in fact not at all happy with Gimli for doing it either. So, he leapt deftly to his feet and silently made his way over to the intricately carved double doors.

As he stepped out onto the so-called 'porch' of the Golden Hall, he felt a very squeaky "eep!" rising in his throat. A profound wave of happy joyousness had just hit him like a brick wall, and he decided to just let the "eep!" out - heck, there wasn't anyone to hear him anyway! (except of course the guards, but they were supposedly! deaf and dumb anyway).

That was the best "eep!" he'd ever let out in his life. He immediately started dancing madly around the porch, meanwhile pulling a GIANT fluffy neon green top hat out of thin air and smashing it down on his head over his eyebrows. Then, not satisfied with pulling the coolest dance moves in the history of Middle Earth, he started singing at the top of his lungs.

"ba-doom ba-doom ba-doom,

I'm a pretty Elf and I'm okay,

I sing all night and I work all day!"

The doors creaked open behind him, and all the people that had previously been sleeping peeped out. When they got the drift of what the Elf was singing, they too nanced out onto the porch and started singing with him. It went something like this, plus about 25 very distinguished people madly jumping around in neon colored tuxes and big fluffy top hats:

LEGOLAS: "I'm a nancing elf and I'm okay,

I sing all night and I work all day!"

CHORUS: "He's a nancing elf and he's okay,

He sings all night and he works all day!"

LEGOLAS: "I cut down orcs, I eat my lunch,

I go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have burnt Lembas for tea!"

WARRIORS: "He cut down orcs, he eat his lunch,

He go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays he goes shopping, and has burnt Lembas for tea!"

CHORUS: "He's a nancing elf and he's okay,

He sings all night and he works all day!"

LEGOLAS: "I cut down orcs, I skip and jump,

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on women's clothing, and hang around in Lorien."

WARRIORS: "He cuts down orcs, he skips and jumps,

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in Lorien!"

CHORUS: "He's a nancing elf and he's okay,

He sings all night and he works all day!"

LEGOLAS: "I cut down orcs, I wear mini skirts,

Suspendies, and a bra!

I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!"

WARRIORS: "He cuts down orcs, he wears mini skirts?

Suspendies…and a bra?"

Here there was some commotion as the assembled company temporarily forgot the song and muttered confusedly about this new information. Some order was re-assembled, however, and they finished the song without incident…

CHORUS: "He's a nancing elf and he's okay,

He sings all night and he works all day!"

As the song ended, Gimli gave a great drum roll impression from off to the side and the curtain that came out of nowhere fell in front of the miraculously-formed-into-3-lines warriors, with Legolas in front, taking off his big fluffy neon green top hat again and again and curtsying repeatedly as the curtain was rolled up time after time, the audience of the Army of the Dead giving the new-found performers a 10-minute standing ovation from the streets of Edoras, where hundreds of cheap fold-up chairs had been placed prior to the performance, even though no one knew it was coming but hey who cares? It was good!

After the rest of the performers had gone back to bed, seeing as how it was now about 2 in the morning, Legolas (minus his performance outfit) stood still on the edge of the stone porch, studying the sky miles away.

Unbeknownst to the elf, as he was so intent on the sky, Aragorn was creeping up silently behind him. Suddenly he jumped 3 feet in the air and shouted in Legolas' ear, "Free at last, free at last! Thank God for mushrooms, I'm free at last!" Legolas too jumped 3 feet in the air, and let out a very deep and manly (for once!) "YAAAAHHHHHH!" as his fair Elven complexion turned interesting shades of white, red and blue in quick succession.

On hearing the commotion outside her bedroom window, Eowyn came running out to see… well, er, what the commotion was. As she stood just inside the door, however, Aragorn barreled into her and then muttered a quick apology while continuing to barrel through the throne room and down the hall to the room where everyone was sleeping. He was not a moment too early…

"Pippin!"

There was a most terrifying scene going on in the makeshift 'bedroom'. Pippin had apparently got hold of the Palantir Coughdrop while Gandalf was sleeping, and it had stuck to his hands so bad he couldn't get it off. Then Sauron appeared in the globular cough relief medicine, and was trying to possess Pippin. The poor hobbit writhed and twisted on the cold floor, yelling things that sounded suspiciously like "AAAHHHHH!" and "AAAHHHH!" and "AAAHHHH-EEEEEEEE!".

Aragorn, after surveying the situation, jumped over the sleeping forms on the ground and knelt beside Pippin, forcefully ripping the evil cough drop from the hobbit's grasp. He had underestimated the power of the Palantir Coughdrop however, and as it stuck to his hands it felt as if it burned with the fires of a thousand evils! He broke out in a cold sweat and promptly fainted. Legolas doctored him (a/n: get your heads out of the gutter ppl!), while the rest of the company looked at Pippin in concern, although they feared to get to close to that wizard - dangerous chap, that one.

Said wizard was now fruitlessly trying to wake Pippin up. After about 5 minutes of nerve-wracking tension, Gandalf stood up and sighed. "Anyone else got any ideas?" he looked around the room, his gaze coming to rest on Merry, who was looking very intently at the floor. "Merry?"

Suddenly, Merry gave an "eep!" and rushed from the room, running into Eowyn who was still standing stunned at the great double doors. "Come with me, my lady!" he yelled as he ran out into the cool night air. "Look, do you know where I can get any mushrooms?" She looked at him, and recognition dawned. "Follow me, Merry!"

This time, it was Eowyn barreling through the throne room and down the hall, Merry's short legs taking him in hot pursuit. She led him quickly into the Royal Kitchens, where they worked side by side at frying exactly 100 mushrooms. They then ran back with a full basket to where Pippin was lying unconscious in the makeshift bedroom.

As soon as Eowyn walked in with the basket of mushrooms, Pippins state changed drastically. He sat up, bright-eyed and smiling, saying, "Ooh, what is it? Elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? I smell mushrooms!"

Merry's miraculous and innovative cure had worked, and thereafter, in history books and medical schools, he would be hailed as one of the greatest volunteer doctors of the Third Age.

After this, they ate all the mushrooms. And there was great rejoicing.

And poor Sauron, stuck inside the Palantir Coughdrop, felt very left out and lonely, and was very annoyed at all the fuzz from inside Gandalf's cloak stuck on the outside of the sticky cough drop.

Author's Note: SURPRISE! It's been less than a week - only a day, in fact, and I have updated! With humor, no less! Thank you, thank you. Monty Python is a total sock rocker! Woohoo! Go Monty Python! And a note about the last chapter: "depressed storm drains" is from one of my own experiences - in Connecticut, on Merritt Pkwy, there are storm drains that run under the road, and there are these highway signs everywhere that say "WARNING: DEPRESSED STORM DRAINS!" If you don't live near there (which I don't, in fact I live in a place where road signs are used for recreation as shooting targets but I'm drabbling), it's actually quite funny the first time you see them, me and mom were driving down Merritt pkwy and we were thinking of all these nutty explanations for the signs…very funny.