Disclaimers: Hey, since we all know that none of us writing fan fiction own the shows or characters that we're writing about, and that we're not making any money off of this, are disclaimers really necessary?
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Dear Diary,
Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote in this, I'm actually surprised that I still have it. But a lot has changed for me recently, and since the only person that I really feel comfortable talking to already knows everything and has already given me that look that told me that she didn't want to rehash anything. I don't blame her really, but I need to get all of this out of my head before it explodes. That would be gross. My head exploding and spraying guts and thoughts and blood everywhere. In that detached part of my head I'm recognizing that happening as somewhat fascinating. In the human part of my mind I realize that that thought is freaky, and that if my head exploded it would be pretty disgusting. But this is way off topic of what I wanted to write about, something that I was never sure I would ever write about, aside from my childish fantasies.
My father. I've met him. At 17 years of age I have met my father and the reason that my mother left. My mother had told me enough about him that I knew he and I shared similar personalities, but that did nothing to prepare me for the…exuberance…with which he approaches life, or the complete and unconditional love that he holds for each of his adopted children, and the one child that is his and Heero's. That's the reason that my mother left, this guy named Heero. My father was deeply in love with him, still is, and from what I've seen the feeling is very mutual. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about that, if anything.
I can't help but wonder, if Heero had never revealed to Duo that he loved him, or Duo had never revealed the same to Heero, would I have grown up with both my parents, as most other kids? Did he even love my mother at one point or did he just see her as a kid sister, or even as much as a fuck buddy? I'm still adjusting to the fact that I now have a father, could I even ask him something like that? And I can't for the life of me figure out what Heero thinks about me. Am I a reminder of something that Duo had before him? And if so, does that hurt him? I almost hope that it does, in some small, rebellious part of my mind that almost delights in seeing pain in others after having so much pain inside myself. But then I remember what my mother told me about him, about them all, and feel guilty for wishing more pain on someone who had already experienced so much.
I guess what I really want to do is march right up to him and ask him about how he feels about me showing up now and demand an honest answer, and then yell and scream at him for stealing my father away from my mother and hurting her. I know that it hurt her that she left, even though it was her choice, and that she denied it. But I could see it in her eyes whenever she looked at me. When I was little and working on a project and giving it my complete attention she said that I would get the same look on my face that my father always had when he was fully concentrating on something. I could see the hurt then, and it hurt me.
Boy, have I been going on a mindless drivel or what? I can't even remember if I had a purpose to this entry or if I just needed to vent. Or maybe that was my purpose. I really don't know. I really don't know anything anymore for that matter. Other than the fact that for some strange reason I decided to stay with my father for the summer to get to know him and all of my new siblings better. Though I think that if I had declined his offer Ashley would have beat my ass for doing so. I'm not sure why, but she seems to be more adamant about me getting to know him than I have ever seen her about anything. But I'll figure that out later, because speaking of Ashley, I think that she has finally realized that she's a lesbian, or at least bi. I figured it out sophomore year, but until now she had never given it much thought. So what happened to make her learn this about herself? Well, we met some more of my fathers extended family when we all got together to watch embarrassing videos since Jack had decided to torture us by dropping off ours. And considering that this part of the extended family included Relena Peacecraft and her brother Zechs Merquise, we were more than a little stunned, much more than when we had met Senator Winner, who insists that I call him Quatre. I think that he'd prefer Uncle Quatre like the other kids call him, but he knows that would be pushing it.
But back to Ashley. Seems that she had a thing for Zech's oldest Trista, who looks exactly like her father. I found Ashley starring starry-eyed at the ceiling after that first night, and when I finally managed to get her to talk she said that she was in love, and I had endless amounts of fun teasing her about it. She then countered by saying that she would do worse when I fell in love. She probably will to. But the best part about it, is that I think Trista returns Ashley's feelings, though that just may be my hope that Ashley finds real happiness.
My hand is starting to cramp, so I think that I'll stop for now. But with everything that's happened recently you can probably expect more entries, seeing as this journal is the only thing that will listen at the moment. I don't even know if I can talk about any of this to Max, despite how much we're alike. He did grow up with both his parents after all, where as I don't really know either of them.
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Sorry for the short chapter, and the long update but I'm trying to get more into Jennifer's head and this seemed like the best way to do it. I'll try to update a little more often, but I need to think of the ideas first. Does anyone have any experience with Jens situation or anything similar? I'd really like to know what someone like Jen would be thinking.