INTO THE SHADOWS
Guardians of peace and justice, that's what we were. I can remember that time so well. The way the other Jedi looked, the way they dressed, the way they were so calm even in war. Some say that was because they didn't have any feelings. Whatever else I tell you that is not the truth. Every time a Jedi joined the Force his death was felt by all who knew him, but in the midst of war you do not have the luxury to properly mourn a dead comrade…a fallen friend. I close my eyes and I'm back in the temple, back home. I can hear childish laughter coming from the training rooms as Master Yoda trains the younglings how to handle a lightsaber. I can smell to food cooking in the dining halls, hear the sound of voices as Jedi talk quietly amongst themselves as they eat their meals. I can feel the brush of the my robe against my legs as I walk.
Then the war became a whole lot worse. The Chancellor; really a Sith Lord in disguise, ordered the extermination of the Jedi. He himself killed three Jedi Masters himself and he sent a former Jedi to the temple with clone soldiers to deal with the rest. All the Jedi fought bravely on that dark night. Especially the younger Padawans. It was like they knew they were not only fighting for their own lives, but for the freedom of all sentients everywhere. It didn't matter. One by one I saw them fall. I can smell the scent of lightsaber singed flesh. I can see the temple burning. Someone once told me a long time ago that it doesn't matter that mistakes aren't mistakes if your learn the lesson from that mistake. I'm still trying to learn.
I'm still trying to forget. It's to hard. I don't know if I can do this anymore. All those years ago I fought in the temple and I watched the Jedi die in the hundreds. I have no doubt that some people would want to ask me what it felt like to be there. But they don't know that I was a Jedi, it's not something you talk about.
No one feels the pain I feel. To most people the Jedi are just a myth. A bedtime story meant to scare bad children…and maybe to bring hope to those that feel the darkness. But in the end none of this matters.
Pain can be dealt with. Pain reminds me that I'm not dead yet. Sometimes I wish I was, I want to be dead. I can hear their voices…in my head I hear them talking to me. Asking me why it is that their dead and I'm still alive. I have no answer to give them.
No, that's a lie. I do have an answer. But it may not be the one you're looking for. Let me guess, you want me to deal out stories of my great exploits as a Jedi knight, right? To tell you what an honour it was to be a Jedi? I can't do that. I can't tell you tails of my past endeavours anymore than you can tell me tales of yours. I was there in the temple, but you don't understand. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
No one can understand how I feel.
You can't understand, how can you even try if you were never day. You want to see what I saw? I don't think so. Assuming you're still with me then I'll tell you what really happened, no lies…not anymore.
I was there. I looked Shaak Ti in the eyes, she didn't understand what I meant, but slowly the understanding dawned. Understanding would come to late for her. It was over before it even began. I think she knew it to.
I sat in the council chambers waiting. It didn't take long for them to come out from behind the council chairs.
"Master Anakin? What's going on?" One of the younglings asked me. I smiled at him and he saw the darkness in my eyes.
"Master Anakin?" Another one said tentatively. She was dead before her body hit the ground. Their cries of pain and terror echo within me still. I can sense their deaths in the Force, but instead of being reviled by it I feed on their death like one would feed on a fine delicacy.
I see by your eyes that you finally understand. I know you don't like it, but I promised you the truth and I will fulfil that promise.
I can see their small bodies sprawled on the floor. Their deaths were not easy ones. Strange how so much pain can give someone else so much pleasure. I stride from the room, leaving them behind like broken toys.
My name was once Anakin Skywalker. There is no end to the dark hole I fell into. I don't even know if I'll die. I pray that I die soon. I can't live with them any longer. Their voices, their faces. Pleading with me, trying to understand how I could betray them. I ask myself that question every day. I have only one answer.
I not only fell but I allowed myself to fall into the shadows…