Disclaimer: I do not own DBZ, of course, so please don't sure me. I am a struggling senior trying to get into college. So you ain't getting nada!
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Steadily, I looked above the shower's spout. Each sprinkle of water seemed to have its own personal way of purifying me. It dripped down to my feet and erased any scoring signs that I had made while I exempted myself onto myself. I opened my mouth to let a few more drops of warm water spray into my mouth.
After she got out, Videl told me to take a shower before talking our relationship over. It was about 4:00 in the morning now… meaning that I had been showering for the past half hour. I was too afraid to know the truth. This sounds vaguely familiar… I'm getting scared again. But, how could I not be? Ever since I had woken up from the dream and relinquished my feelings over to my body, my heart had been pounding from my chest like I had run a 5-mile track race. I never thought in this world, in my entire life, that I'd ever be this scared to do something that I always so sought after to accomplish.
I imagined seeing her wonderful face staring dreamily into my eyes, as I continued to run the lather across the core of my stomach. And there, I endlessly stared at the imaginary figure, with the blankest of looks on my face, as if I had just felt the aftershock from hearing of a parent's death. It wasn't up for question now: I WAS crazy. I faintly smiled at the thought. I needed to stop being so terrified and shaken about a situation that most couples could deal with in just two minutes. But, I wonder… what had other people done about this? What would happen if they were in my situation, and they couldn't control their feelings any longer? Besides having sex, what would they do? I couldn't answer the question myself, so maybe if I had the courage to step out of that damn shower and head back into the bedroom, maybe Videl could shine some light on my condition.
After 45 minutes of showering, I felt a lot cleaner now; there were no traces that I had ever committed that horrible act out of lust. But, no matter how hard I showered and showered, that inward scar just never rinsed off my soul.
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I wrapped the robe's belt around my waist as I peered inside the bedroom without making a sound. I saw Videl angelically sitting on a nearby cabinet. She had replaced her worn out clothes with a new pair of pajamas that looked like they belonged to a teenager; red and white plaid, with black stripes throughout the pattern. But, it was cute… It was Videl. I also noticed that she had removed the dirty covers from the bed. I inhaled a deep gulp of air as I took a few more steps forward and entered the room. My heart skipped another beat.
"Gohan?" Videl asked, as she heard the door slowly creak open. Well, there I was, all nice and clad in my soft, comfortable light-bluish robe. And, the night sky shone in the beautiful white glow of moonlight. What a perfect day to die. "Gohan…" I was too afraid to look her in the eye. "I put the sheets in the washing machine, all right? Why don't we go into my old room to talk instead?" She asked it politely, but without any happiness showing through. I nodded lightly to show that I agreed to her proposal. But, I didn't try to force a meek smile, knowing that if I tried, it would just end up strengthening my excessively pitiful state.
I went in first, and she followed suit close behind. Her room was right next door to the other area we had been sharing. There was a weird radiance of dark red across the walls. I had only been in here a few times before… being in it now felt like I was surrounded by multiple amounts of people, who all knew each other, but had no clue who this guy with the spiky hair was. Then, I just remembered what was the real reason why we were in here: I had to expose my dreams to her. …Damn it.
From the corner of my eye, I could see Videl closing the door behind her. I acted like it didn't faze me, yet inside, I was so uneasy with not being knowledgeable about what the hell was going to happen next. It felt like my stomach began to churn and cramp over, but I later realized my trouble was a little further downward. Relentlessly, I stared into the wall; I wasn't planning on finding anything in particular. I just needed to focus on something other than the numerous possibilities my fiancé could tell me. I felt her waves of energy move behind me. I still did not show my face to this woman, and I could tell she was getting a little restless with my actions. …Or, so I thought. Without hearing a single syllable, I felt two warm arms circle around my waist.
For some reason, she found the need to hug me again. I don't know what I had done to initiate these feelings for me… Maybe she became upset because I was never facing her.
"Gohan… I want you to come over to the bed." Videl ordered in a calm, soft voice. I felt the nervousness creep inside me once again as my heart skipped another beat. Her little hands swayed my body to move with her direction. She sat me down first and let go of my mid-section, and then she got herself situated near me in a cross-legged position. Without any more words, she guided my head to lie down onto her lap. I remember this feeling. It was the same as when I was about to take a big exam in my Calculus class.
We never spoke from then for a good ten minutes, but the moments seemed to pass by as hours. During that time, Videl was trying to ease my apprehension by combing her fingers through my dark clumps of hair. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply; I almost could've fallen asleep listening to her gentle breathing, as it would always soothe me in the darkest of hours. But, I didn't feel secure at all, being this close to her after what had just happened an hour in the past… I opened my eyes slowly and looked up to the woman who'd continued to hold me. She wasn't even looking at me anymore; her eyes were more geared toward the glowing window that allowed the shimmering moonlight into the room. I couldn't physically see it, but I knew it myself. Maybe, like me, she was searching for something to say.
From here, I had a wonderful view of my fiancé's visage. I noted to myself how captivating she looked in deep thought, staring into nothing. If I could draw, I'd paint now the loveliest picture of a woman that any man had ever seen. But, I felt a little embarrassed by her beautiful body being so close, continuing to message through my hair. Besides the nervousness, it brought back my feelings of yearning for her; this way, I felt so exposed… Any modest physical sensation would show up so obviously on me… I felt like turning over on my belly.
"Gohan…"she said suddenly, breaking my train of thought. From staring at the window, she took her vision toward me now. I met her eyes with mine. "Why do you feel the way you do?" she asked simply. At first I didn't want to answer, just because I was too lazy to answer. I knew it would take me a while to explain this whole tribulation.
"Um… w-well…" I stammered at first, "What do you mean exactly? Concerning what?"
"Concerning about your decisions; how you think you need to hide things from me in order for me to like you," she answered. Oh. …The question threw me a little off-guard, so I tried to take up time to think, by pretending to consider something important. "I'm tired of your excuses; would you just answer me, Gohan?" Well, I guess I couldn't fool her... But, I knew better than to try.
"Well, the real answer is…" I swallowed nervously, "… I don't know." I could tell she wasn't satisfied by my answer. "I guess… I was scared." …Now we're getting somewhere, idiot.
She developed a look of concern in her eyes as she leaned back and looked down at me. "Scared? Scared of what? I already told you that you don't have to be afraid of losing me, just because you do certain things, even if you do think that they are shocking or immoral… Dreams are something that you can't help or control anyway."
"But, I don't think about it only in the dreams…" I admitted. "The dreams just slap my true beliefs into my face. That's why, I mean… That's why I was so afraid of it, because I felt so overtaken by my stupid emotions that—"
"Your emotions aren't stupid." She stated immediately. "What kind of material did your dreams consist of so much, that you brought yourself to call them stupid?" I didn't want to answer at first. "And, stop being such a coward about it. Just tell me, Gohan." She said with a stern gaze. Great… I knew where she was getting at. If I told her this, then I would have to tell her every diminutive detail about everything else. But, then I remembered what she had told me earlier: that if I didn't want to suffer any longer, I just had to let everything go. So… I had to abide.
Taking deep breaths, I began, "I'm afraid that if I… make love to you…" I hesitated, "… That I am going to hurt you." Saying this brought back scenes and feelings from my dreams, and a few tears began to fall unintentionally. "There. I said it." I wiped my eyes hastily, and forced a cracked smile on my face that turned into a quick frown. My voice was too choked up to say anything else. I needed to get away from her sight, because I felt like crying again and my idiotic, damned erection got to the point of being too obviously visible. I turned to lie on my stomach, and I covered my face with my arms as I breathed in deeply, yet incrementally. How could this stupid boy still get turned on after admitting something like that? Was something inside of me telling my heart that maybe I really did intend to hurt her? It can't be. I'd kill myself before I'd hurt my Videl. So, I don't know what this was… I tried to continue with immersed breaths, "I mean… would if I got carried away with my feelings, that I… I mean, I know I probably will get carried away, lose myself and I won't think about being careful anymore. All I will care about is letting out…" I breathed heavily. "And, if I let out too much…" I couldn't even finish my sentence because it brought out to many feelings from the hour before. "I had a dream that I killed you… while we were having sex. And, I—" I held myself up with my elbows. " I hated myself so much to have a fucking wet dream over it. It just didn't seem right. …How I could find pleasure in hurting you." Videl's hands paused from grooming me. "I-I hate it… I hate being a Saiyan, having to watch my strength all of my life. I hate… having these feelings over you… it's like I'm never satisfied. What the hell do I want? I have to literally turn you out before I can feel the need to move on? It's fucking sick…" I sobbed. "So fucking sick of me..." I couldn't believe how pathetic this sounded. "If I start… I really don't think I could ever stop."
I continued to put forth myself, crying on the bed sheets and into Videl's lap. She just looked at me with concerning eyes.
"You just don't know how hard… I have to hold myself back all the time, when I'm just kissing you, or holding you, or touching your face. It gets so difficult day after day, because everyday, I fall in love with you more and more… And, I just want to, I don't know… show you just how much passion I have for you. But, if I happen to hurt you during my bursts of desire, I'd never be able to forgive myself." I somehow stopped sobbing and just looked toward the window in front of me. "I mean if I hurt you, would you even be able to forgive me?" I asked.
"Well… if it happened like that… I would understand." She suddenly replied. Her answer took me by surprise and I paused for a couple of seconds. "If I were a Saiyan, I probably would hurt you with my passion, too." I blinked some incoming tears away.
"No… it's different for me… Videl, you just haven't experienced how hard it is to hold yourself back all your life. And, now you're telling me to just let it all go? …It's not that simple…" I played with the folds of the covers to let out some of this nervous energy. There, I'd noticed my hands had been shaking. Videl stared sternly at my back for a few seconds, then angrily turned my body around so I could face her. This completely startled me, but I did nothing to refute her actions. She opened her legs across my body, balancing herself on her knees; and, without delay, began undressing me. "W-what are you doing, Videl!" I almost screeched, as I tried to put my arm back into the sleeve.
"What's so hard about being naked in front of me?" My fiancé asked. "If you have sex with me, then you're going to have to show yourself to me anyway, right? Or, do you think you're not ready?" I think that she was challenging me…
"No… that's not the reason, it's just…" I said, tying my robe tighter around my body, "…I'm kind of…" and, I looked down to my lower body.
"Kind of what? Turned on?" Videl inquired. I think she knew already; she just wanted me to embarrass myself by admitting it, so I discreetly nodded my head for her. "Well, I don't care. I'm going to see it eventually anyway, right?"
"But… really… this is putting me on the spot…" I felt myself growing with redness across my face. "If you don't think this is so scary, then why don't you do it first?" I asked sarcastically.
"I asked you first though." Videl replied in point of fact. "…But, if you do it, then I'll do it too." She added. Um… what did she just say? She took me seriously…! My eyes widened so much that the moonlight from the other side of the room reached my vision. "It's not because you're embarrassed of your body, is it? I bet you are beautiful."
"It's not that either… I-I just can't do that. No… no, it's too much… right now."
"Would you quit being such a coward about everything? It's only me here." And, she spoke the truth. "How are we ever going to have sex if you are too afraid to show some skin?"
"But, it feels like a million people are watching me…" I said back. "And your importance is like a million people to me… Well, more…" She stopped fussing with my robe and looked into my eyes.
"I'm trying to prove a point to you, Gohan. To show you that letting go IS that simple. If you say you're not embarrassed about your body and if I say that I'd accept you in any way, then what is there to be afraid of?"
I waited to come up with my answer. I really wanted to… Gohan, why are you so stupid? Geez! At a loss for answers, all I could come up with was a "… I don't know, Videl." But, as I thought about it, I exposed the truth a little more. "But, if I see you like that, I might… go overboard…" …I deliberately loss contact with her eyes and looked into the ceiling. "It's enough to just imagine you like that, but to see it with my own eyes… I'd just… lose it." Actually, just talking about it, I was already on the brink of losing it. Videl wasn't helping my case either while she sat on my lower stomach, brushing her bottom against the top of my hardened member. That look in her eye that she loved to give me happened again… she definitely had something devious planned. But, I always seemed to love getting ensnared in those traps. With another blank look, she easily slid from off top of me, laid down to my right side and brought her right hand up to my chest.
"Well, Gohan…" She began, "… I just think you gave yourself your own solution." And, what exactly did you mean by that, Videl…? Continuing looking into my eyes, she casually steered her hand lower and lower past my belly button… "If you won't let me see it… Then, I am going to feel it." No, she just did not say that… My eyes widened for the second time tonight. My mouth, my lips, my whole body started to shake with my panicky spirit. … I couldn't move…! She loosened the felted belt and reached inside the robe. "And remember," she said, "…Lose yourself." That sharp pain shot again in me through my crotch.
From then on in, I went into a trance. Once again, Videl had emitted her spell on me and I was struggling with myself to not transform into some wild, demonic, hungry animal. It was like all of my energy left from my whole body and directed itself in just that one organ. "Ah… no…" I moaned faintly while biting my lip and squirming around the covers, trying to contain myself in front of my Videl. "Please, Videl…" I pleaded, closing my eyes once again. "S… Stop it… please…" I tightened up my face in pain, and licked my lips. What was she waiting for? …Till I exploded? Videl, I don't even think I have any semen left! She was seriously torturing me… but this time it was intentionally. My shaking left hand reached across my stomach and grabbed onto Videl's arm. This made her stop to look into my squinting eyes, though she did not discontinue stroking me.
"You don't really want me to stop." Videl gravely stated, looking over my squirming body and moisturizing her own lips. She began caressing my throbbing manhood with much more force this time, causing my eyes to slowly roll to the back of my head… I eventually let go of her arm. Then, this woman bent down close to my face and whispered into my ear, "Just let go, Gohan. …Just let it out." And she lowered herself to begin kissing my neck. My frail body ruptured apart from this point from taking so much pain and torment. I moaned out loudly for her while my right arm tangled through her silky, shadowy hair.
"Videl…!" I groaned. "Ohh…. Videl…!" I couldn't control my breathing any longer. "Ahh……" I sighed forcefully. My mouth remained agape in pure bliss, needing to gasp for air. And, she kissed my open mouth, forcing me follow along with the action. I suddenly flipped my fiancé on her back and leapt on top, kissing her vigorously. I rubbed her close to my body, to my aching erection, and even tried to make love to her right there. I stopped in the midst of undressing her and myself, and instantly converted myself back into reality. "I…" this Saiyan started. I could only sigh… Videl looked to me with a touching expression; her arms were laid half-arched by her head, and her clothes were falling halfway off her shoulders. We just paused to look over each other a few brief moments, before I finally got off of her. "I'm sorry, Videl…" I timidly admitted while lying on her side.
What stopped me? My emotions got the best of me again. I was just lucky enough that she hadn't broken up with me yet. But, how long did I have left? How many more mistakes did I have left to make before she made her final decision on our relationship? From my peripheral vision, I saw a smile escape from those lips that I'd touched.