A/N: Hi everyone. I don't think their are enough languages to apologise in to make up for my disgraceful updating process. I keep kicking myself for it, and yet keep pulling the same crap. But I've been trying really hard the last few nights to set aside at least an hour to work on my fanfiction, so, hopefully, I'll be able to get more written and, if things go well, update faster.

Well, I'm 10 chapters in and nowhere near close to being done. This is gonna be a long one, folks. Bear with me, I know where I'm going with this and how I want it to end, I just have to concentrate and write the middle bit first.

Much Love to all who reviewed. Oh, and if you haven't read loveconquers fanfiction: DO! Amazing amazing amazing stuff, seriously! LOVED THE NEW FIC, BTW! AWESOME! (thanks for sticking with me and reviewing despite my horrid lack of updates. People should be glad you have a better update-ethic than me. I shoudl learn to write a whole story, and THEN post, rather than: write some, post, write a bit more, then post what I've got, and so worth. YOU ROCK! THANKS for reviewing!)

Chapter 10: Paternity and Pity

"Oh. My. God…" Shalimar inhaled sharply just as they were beginning to settle into the quiet, happy atmosphere in the lab. "Jess! The baby?"

"Oh shit!" Jesse jumped up from his seat and grabbed Shalimar's arm, dragging her to the lab table. "Lay down." He ordered, rushing to the computer and starting a scan. The results flashed across the screen as the beams shot back up into their holsters. Jesse took a deep breath and turned to Shalimar. "The baby's okay." Shalimar exhaled slowly the breath she'd been holding. She hadn't realized how afraid she'd been that she might have lost her child.

Again, she found she was surprised at herself. "Her" child. She had just referred to the possible child of the man she most hated as "her" child. What was she thinking? If that baby was his, she couldn't keep it. Could she? He or She could be an evil terror like its father. Did she want to bring another Neilson into this world? No. She didn't. That much she knew for sure. She couldn't bring another creep like that man into the universe to terrorize people.

"Shal?" Brennan's voice brought her out of her thoughts and she found the other occupants of the room eying her oddly. "You alright? You looked a bit… out-there...for a second."

"Yeah. Just thinking, babe." She turned to her molecular friend. "Jess, did you get the results of the paternity test yet?"

"Uh, no, I've been a bit busy trying to save all of your asses to check, actually." He glared at them all, then grinned widely. "Hang on, I'll check."

Once again, he turned to his computer and his fingers flew across the keys. Within seconds a jumble of numbers, graphs and ridiculously long words filled the screen. "Yup, here they are." Jesse's eyes flickered over the results. Shalimar looked over his shoulder and frowned at the medical gibberish.

"And those results in English are what? Exactly?" Shal asked, poking at the screen in impatient annoyance.

"Hey, quite it!" Jesse reprimanded as rainbows flowed from beneath her fingertip. "You'll kill the screen!"

"Sor-ry," Shalimar stuck her tongue out at him behind his back.

"I saw that," he grumbled loudly. She grinned at him. "Ookayy, here we are. The paternity of you baby is—Oh, God, no!"

"What?" Shalimar panicked and her voice showed it. She already knew the answer. It was His.

"It's…God, Shal, it's his." Jesse whispered as Lexa gasped in horror and Brennan fought a strong urge to gag.

"No…nonononono…" She shook her head. "It can't be true Jess. You've gotta be wrong. Those results! They're WRONG!" She exclaimed, backing into Brennan's bed. He touched her arm and she turned to him, burying her face in his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Brennan…I'm so, so sorry…" She sobbed, knowing that he had been wishing, more than anything, that this baby was his.

He held her, sore arms wrapped around her back like a tether, keeping her from fleeing. "Baby," he whispered in her ear. "Baby, baby, it's okay. You couldn't stop this. It's not your fault. It'll be okay. We have plenty of options. We'll work this out, together, we can work this out, I promise." She cried harder at his soft words as he stroked her matted and filthy hair.

"I failed you. I should've fought him harder. I never should've let this happen. I let that filth inside of me and I'm still paying for it. Will I ever stop paying for this?" Her hoarse whisper broke his heart and he held her tighter.

"You have never, ever failed me. You fought as hard as you could. You couldn't stop this. I will never blame you for what happened in that warehouse. Not ever." She raised her eyes up to his face, the blood on her cheeks now running with her tears. "I love you, Shalimar. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever change that. We will work this pregnancy out."

"Yeah, Shal," Lexa added gently. "And there's always that whole nurture versus nature thing to consider. This baby doesn't necessarily have to end up like its father. You and Brennan could raise an amazing child together. One worthy of being the future of Mutant X and all it stands for."

"She's right, Shal." Jesse agreed, rubbing her back comfortingly. Brennan smiled at them gratefully. Shalimar pulled away from him and rubbed her eyes, sniffling. She started to walk away from them, but Brennan stopped her.

"Shal, don't leave. Talk to us, to me. Come on, baby, please. Don't shut us out."

"I won't, I promise. I just…I need to be by myself for a while. I need to think about this, and absorb all of the shit that's been shoveled on us today. I'll be back later." She bent down and kissed his gently. "Rest, I'll come back in a little while, once I've had time to process all of this. By then, you may be up and about." She kissed him again and was gone, leaving the others to blink at her vanishing act.

"You think she's okay?" Jesse asked Brennan quietly a few minutes later, voice and face loaded with concern and guilt.

"I really wish I knew…." Brennan shook his head sadly. "Will this ever end for her?" His head fell onto his chest in defeat as Jesse's hand gripped his shoulder tightly, knowing that words would do little to comfort his brother. As Adam once said, 'It's deeds, not words."

Shalimar curled up in the most secluded corner of Sanctuary that she could find, pulling her legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. She laid her head on her knees and let her tears come. It wasn't about the paternity of the child she carried. No. She was finally crying for herself for everything that Neilson did to her, all those weeks ago. She had tried so hard to hide the haunted expression in her eyes when she was around the others. She wouldn't let Brennan know how much it hurt and sickened her to think about her double rape.

She had been tied to a chair and taken by a man who was so cold and cruel and calculating, that he had used their emotional attachments to each other to hurt the other members of Mutant X. She had been used as a play thing for a feral with a lust for bondage and sister ferals. Or perhaps, just a lust for anyone she could get her clawed hands on. Despite the fact that she had used the latter to her advantage, she felt filthy. She often found herself standing in the shower trying to scrub the feeling of being used and disgusting off. She felt worthless because of them. Because of what they did to her in that room. She blamed herself for it. If she had only fought Neilson's guards harder, if she hadn't let them catch her, none of this would've happened. She wouldn't have to feel so used. So unworthy of the love that Brennan gave her. She felt like garbage waiting to be tossed into the streets.

And so she cried. She cried for the pain she had felt and the things that she's had to endure. She cried for the filth that she could never wash off of her body. She cried for the pain and the guilt that still haunted her. She cried because of the anger that coiled inside of her every time she heard His name or looked in a mirror. She cried because she'd hidden it so well, even from herself, that she'd never really dealt with what happened to her that day/ And then she cried because she felt selfish. She had gotten pregnant by the man who raped her and she felt that she had betrayed Brennan somehow. She wasn't worthy of him or anything he offered her.

Lastly, when the tears of self loathing and pity had slipped away, she cried for the child she carried and the genetics he or she had. She cried because she didn't know if this baby would be a monster like the man who'd made it. She didn't want another Neilson in the world to torment the innocent. She would never be able to live with herself if she let that happen. But every feral instinct in her body screamed for her not to get an abortion. It was wrong to snuff a life that never got a chance to exist.

She was so conflicted. Shalimar didn't know what to do. But for the time being, she was content to cry for herself, for her child, for Brennan, and for everything that had gone so very very wrong on those fateful days a few weeks past. The night at the club, when she and Brennan had stayed behind to…have fun, and then the eternity of pain that had followed. There was so much she had to deal with. And she didn't know how or where to start. Though she'd tried so hard to fight it away, perhaps this darkness really would consume her, after all.

TO BE CONTINUED...

A/N: Review, I swear it helps get my ass moving. I get the little e-mail and it reminds me that I have something I should be doing so as not to irk my readers! MUCH LOVE TO ALL OF YOU WHO REVIEWED CHAPTER NINE! YOU ROCK!