Disclaimer: I do not own DBZ, of course, so please don't sue meh. ;
Author's Note:- Sorrrryyyyyyy for taking so long to update, lol... been lacking inspiration and which direction to go with the story... (usually I write better when I'm depressed and lonely, so it's hard to get into that mood again) Oo; Please forgive me, please forgive me... -gets down on one knee and hands you flowers- Well, you can forgive me, if you actually like the chapter I'm 'putting out', bwahaha. ;) -perverted linkage- -Ahem- Yes, on with the story already!
By the way, it includes a lot more dialouge, not just inside Gohan's little mind :) So, hopefully, that means things will happen quicker! Enjoy:D
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I heard the morning birds awaken with their chipper songs in the east. It was now 5a.m. I suppose going to work was out of the question today.
This may have been the only time in the whole duration that I've slept together with Videl, when I did not feel any depressing sorts of feelings. I don't know what really changed in me, exactly... and to tell you the truth, I don't think anything significantly did. Maybe the kid in the candy store finally received his chocolate bar... maybe the bum on the street finally received enough compassion that someone decided to hand him a few dollars... and maybe Videl had held my hand tight enough to prevent my fall from that terrifying bridge to our destiny. Maybe I have discovered a new hope. I had begun to get bored with my decisions and even with myself. Ever since Videl and I had begun sleeping together, this complete turn of events seemed like the same thing happening over and over again... What was the core of the problem? Am I sure I just didn't want to hurt her...?
The birds took their daily flight into the wilderness, probably to search for a scrap to eat. I needed to be like the flock of birds; so free, and so willing to switch their situation.
...A change of heart is sometimes nice.
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"'Sorry,' Gohan?" Videl asked me, tilting her head a little to the left. She let out a slight smirk. "No, you're not sorry..." she then chuckled. "Not at all." I forced myself to pause for a small while to contemplate what she had just said. Then turning around, I did, and somehow amazed her with my puzzled expression. I sat up on the edge of the bed.
"W-What do you mean?" I asked, sitting up. "T-that was completely sincere! I'm really sorry!"
"First of all, stop apologizing." She countered back. I couldn't comprehend, but I did not look her in the eye to question back. She got up and obstinately held my chin up to make me stare at her. "That was a brave accomplishment you did. …I'm glad, Gohan." And, she kissed me.
"Huh...? What did I do...?" I wondered, befuddled. And, Videl smiled her first real smile tonight.
"You were able to see how easy it was just to let go of all those emotions." She replied. I guess she felt happier since she reached around to hug me. "But, I'm sorry, too…" she began confessing. I glanced at her. What did she mean? For what? "…Because… I never gave you the chance to let out your emotions for me. I just kept saying 'lets wait until marriage' blah blah blah… without even having your consent on the issue. And then a week ago, when you told me that you would wait forever, well… I… I honestly didn't want you to wait that long for me. The only reason I really asked for us to wait was because I was scared myself."
"Scared? … Not you…" I said, trying to be comforting. She lowered her head.
"Yeah, I was… just the idea of us being so close, having that connection between each other, is what scared me. But, I should've gotten you 'used' to me before I… asked to sleep with you. I knew you probably couldn't hold it in… so I guess I'm saying I did it intentionally, just to see how long you could hold out. But, I really only wanted to be next to you; I didn't mean to take it this far… To the point where you'd be crying over me, just because you wanted to make love with me so bad."
"No, it was just because I didn't want to hurt you…" I said back. "It's not your fault. It's my will to blame."
"No, it's not!" Videl suddenly yelled. I became afraid, and she grabbed my robe. "Do you think any of this crap would be happening if I'd never made you promise to wait with me?" ...Did she honestly think this was all her fault?
"Videl, I would still be afraid to do it too, because I wouldn't want to hurt you."
"But, you never sat and thought about it until I made you promise. Right...?" I gave up the blank look on my face... I wasn't sure...
"Wait a minute, Videl," I started, "You didn't make me promise. I wanted to go through it myself, also. I thought it would seem righteous and virtuous to wait until we were married… so I agreed with you." I landed a hand onto her hair and stroked it a bit. She lifted her head and sighed... The merciless hold she had on my robe gradually loosened.
"What..." she began, "What's wrong with us, Gohan...?" I paused for a second... I didn't want to know the answer to my next question, but holding it in would've been even more torturous.
"What... do you mean, Videl...?" I gained enough of my disposition back to look her in the eyes. ...But for the first time... out of this whole week... she evading my gaze purposely. No matter how long I'd waited for her to give up her act, she wouldn't give me that face that I yearned for; the face that says, 'it's okay, I understand your feelings'. It was the face of, 'I don't want to talk about it with you.' Not for one second, did she even try to look at me. Suddenly, I realized how heartbreaking having this done to you could be... and how much extraneous, unneeded pain I caused to Videl. It makes you feel almost worthless; you feel so undeserving of the other's words... All this time, and I've only finally realized it. This is... just getting stupid.
"You know... exactly... what I 'mean,'" Videl finally replied back to me. I could tell by her mid-sentence pauses that her anger was slowly beginning to rise. "I've asked you before... what happened to us... our connection... but, you never answered back. So, I'm asking now." I suppose Videl's glances weren't the only questionings I had been avoiding during the night. "Gohan..." she began again, "They say that... your true power showcases itself when you are at your weakest. ...Not when you are refreshed, not when you are full of energy; but it's when you are at your lowest, that your genuine strength shines through the most. And, if you break down at your weakest... then you were never strong enough in the first place."
I chuckled a little... "My dad's told me that countless times." I chuckled a little again, but only enough to try to relieve the awkward stress between us. This wasn't working...
"So, my point is..." Videl continued, "if our relationship breaks down because of this one subject..." she swallowed hard, "how strong was our relationship in the first place?" It shook me... I knew I didn't want to know her answer. I just sat there, feeling the most helpless I had ever been this entire night; even more so than when I couldn't answer why I'd been having those dreams about her. At least I knew the core reason then... that I didn't want to hurt her... But... this question... left me in the river to drown. I... was truly clueless. "Nothing to say, eh?" Videl asked, finally looking up at me. "I guess your silence has answered my question." She was trying her hardest to hide the hurt inside, but something was telling me her efforts had been thoroughly translucent. She got from off the bed and stood up. An outstretched arm met my eye, as she silently summoned me to join her. I almost began to cry, just by knowing that she was hiding her pain, for me. Why does she always think I would never notice...?
"Videl..." I struggled to say, "I just don't... know... I'm sor–"
"Stop it." She immediately replied back, holding the other hand up to my face... and slightly smiling... but for what, I wondered? "Just... come with me," she finished. I looked at her with such suspicion and wonder. You see, usually when she says this, she wants to get out of the house.
"Will I need a coat?" I questioned out loud.
"Gohan... Whatever protection is necessary." And, by reaching out for her hand, I thoroughly abided.
"...Okay." And we went off.
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In that frigid, still winter weather, we walked outside in our backyard. At least, that's where it started... Eventually, we'd ended up flying somewhere to the south, just enough to have it warm up enough that we didn't need our winter coats on this early March morning. My fiancé and I sat on top of a huge cliff, overlooking the nearby city. The sun had begun to rise from the ocean, greeted by an unwavering cast of blues, purples, and pinks throughout. I guess Videl preferred this scenery than the dreary coldness of our previous location. It was very...
"Relaxing, isn't it?" she completed my sentence, unknowingly. I laughed for a while, giving her a questioning (and not to mention, confused) look.
"Ha ha, sorry, sorry, it's just that... I was thinking the exact same thing." I contended to slowly stop myself, as Videl smiled a little herself too. Raising her legs to rest her head on her knees, she turned toward the ocean and sighed.
"...You sure do apologize a lot." ...It was quiet for a while. I lost all of my humor... I knew where she was getting at. I sat down beside her, and sighed with her.
"Is that really such a 'bad' thing; to feel remorse for an unacceptable act you've committed?"
"Yes," she answered, simply. Heh... I smirked a little. She'll always be the same Videl... not that it's a bad thing to be. "It's 'bad' when it's unnecessary... and especially when you hadn't done anything wrong, or when you'd meant to do it in the first place." I turned myself toward the ocean too. I see... "Gohan... Once you stop apologizing for these automatic actions, your world will be much simpler and unconfined..." She was right... in a way.
"It's not like that, Videl," I retorted. "My kinds of 'reflexes' are... immeasurably severe in comparison." I gazed down to the grass, "At least, that's what it always feels like to me." I combed my fingers through the greenish blades, taking in their calming sensation.
"I don't know about 'immeasurably' severe..." she let out slowly. "I'm just saying... that you shouldn't need to justify feeling something that is completely natural." Heh... Don't look at me like that with that somber expression, Videl... 'Natural,' she says? I wouldn't call practically raping and killing you in my dreams a 'natural' thought. Videl, you must have gone just as insane as me. "Gohan." she called to me soon after noticing my dreamy look. "...The bad thing about being too smart... is that you think too much. So, don't start this again. Tell me... what is inside of your mind. I'm sure your feelings did not start with just the dream."
"No..." I admitted, letting out a lasting sigh. "I don't know how much you understand about my past, Videl, but... letting go has never been that easy for me." She stared emptily at my saddened face.
"I thought I'd proven that you were wrong about that already? You'd just done it back home."
"That doesn't mean... that it was easy for me," I replied, grabbing a clump of grass in my hand.
"Then, what was so hard about it?" she asked. "I've heard this before already... Why..." my fiancé asked, a little hurt in her voice. "Why don't you ever want to talk to me about these things...? It's the same problem over and over again. I thought I'm supposed to be the closest person to you; the one who you should feel completely safe in sharing your desires with! Do you not..." she looked down at the grass herself, "...trust me enough?"
"That isn't it, and you know it!" I turned to face her, suddenly. A bit surprised by my sudden outburst, she sat back to her original sitting position. "I do trust you... but... trusting myself is the... bigger issue." I tried to regain my composure. "When I'm fully conscious of what's around me, there's no fear in approximating my abilities of what I can and cannot do." I looked off to the side. "It's just that when I'm in that sexual trance, is when I'm the most vulnerable. And... I can't help it."
"How do you know how you'll be if you never give yourself the opportunity?" Videl barked back. She still looked quite upset with me. But, of course...
"...Because..." I said, slowly, "...that opportunity has the chance of hurting you." I intentionally obstructed my vision with my right hand, sighing, and calming back down. "I'm sorry, Videl..." From my left eye, I saw her squeeze the grass beside her into a fist. My heart began to pound, eagerly waiting for a response. Videl's small mouth opened to form new words.
"Stop apologizing, dammit..." she replied softly, but with a hint of anger in her voice. "I already told you, I'd forgive you, Gohan." Her voice sounded a little choked up to me... I hoped to God she wasn't crying... "Why not at least try? If you really trust me as much as you claim to, then trust me enough to let you know when you are hurting me. IF... you hurt me. Although... it wouldn't be your fault, anyway... that you were that way; that you can't help but to be strong." What an ironic statement...
I let my lips stretch out into a harmonious, delicate grin. "I sure don't feel like one of the strongest men in the universe," I stated, softly. "Not right now..."
"That's because you're letting your fears take over the rest of your mind." I looked to her... "Feelings and emotions can be good assets, but... you can't let them control you. Staying stuck in that emotional rut will only wear and drain you. And, no matter what you say, a person is able to control themselves at any time, while feeling any thing. It's all... how you discipline yourself."
I sighed, and grinned a bit, "My dad used to tell me that, too..." She grinned back and scooted closer to my right side.
"I'm sure he understood that saying the most," my fiancé stated, as a matter of factly. "I remember you telling me that Vegeta used to hate your father's compassion." I smiled and shrugged my shoulders, although I knew she was quite right.
"I know... but I'm a little different," I said. I felt our shoulders touch one another. It felt then, that I automatically should put an arm around hers. "I have a habit of letting my emotions control my actions... not thinking like I should be; ever since I was a kid, I'd always been that way. It's not right... but... I don't think... I can change myself to another whole personality." I felt those little arms hug me around my waist, and she clasped her hands together on my left side.
"I don't think... it is something that you truly need to change." I turned my head toward hers, yearning for her to explain her statement more. "I believe that the problem isn't the emotions itself, just how you deal with them. You just bottle up those emotions until they get to their boiling point, and that part, I don't think is right at all. You don't need to hide your feelings to anyone. So what if they won't accept you? If they aren't willing to accept the whole package of you, including your good AND bad points, then maybe the relationship wasn't meant to be in the first place... we can't pretend to be something we're not for others. Sacrificing your feelings like that, especially to the point where you are destroying your own self... is not right. I'm sure your father has told you to 'let it all go' before also, am I correct?" ...I merely smiled.
Heh... I steadily released my gaze from the ocean to the cliff, to the grass, then to our touching legs. I closed my eyes and for a moment, pretended that my troubles had never even existed. I almost couldn't believe... that only about an hour ago, my troubles seemed to increase as fast as falling dominoes; it was always one thing after the other. But for the first time... in all of my twenty-two years of living, it seemed that things were finally starting to make sense for me. I don't know why it took so damned long to find this out. Finally, I could accept my troubles, and not ignore them; not feel like they would just disappear under my feet, not hide myself, in fear that I wouldn't be accepted. I had found a place I could truly belong, where I could finally set myself free to feel whatever I'd wanted. I didn't think that learning to accept myself could be so easily turned around just by hearing a few words from someone that you'd never even knew existed before... someone that you just so happened to meet one day... meeting Videl was truly an act of God. I was an incredibly lucky bastard, to say the least.
The continuous cascading of dominoes didn't seem to matter much, now that I found a way to just buy another pack.
I reached around my waist to pick up her hands in my own. And, I held them, as gently as these Saiyan hands could. A simple, delicate kiss reached her knuckles from my lips, and to which I finally replied, "...Very much so, Videl." Her face brightened up right after hearing my reaction.
"I'm glad..." she replied softly, but very heartfelt. "Just trust me enough that I'll accept you no matter your behavior... and most importantly, trust yourself that you'll be able to demonstrate it to me."
"I will..." I vocalized airily. I continued to kiss her hands, out of pure gratitude. Thank you, Videl... I will never be able to make it up to you... for all that you've done for me. But, I can do none other than to try my damndest. I lied down on the grass, taking Videl with me, and continued to share my love with her. "...You're an angel." She looked to me, with a little surprised expression when a blush ran across her face.
She laughed a little, "But my last name is 'Satan.'"
"...Well, not for long," I replied. She stared at me for a while, and I could feel her aura enveloped in complete happiness... although it looked like she was about to cry. Not wasting another second, she wrapped herself around my body into a granting hug.
"Don't you ever change..." I heard a voice sob from under my clothes.
"I won't if you won't," I responded to her, kissing the top of her hair. She shook her head slowly and gradually stopped crying. Now this... was an unusual predicament. Remember that 'demon of lust' that I said had crept up inside me, the one that had been causing all of my problems? I felt it again seeping inside of my body again, but this time... I actually smiled at the feeling. And, why not? Doesn't it feel good to get turned on? Especially when a beautiful woman is on top of you... well, halfway. "Videl..." I began to say, "Do you mind... getting all the way on top of me?" Her head immediately shot up, and she looked at me with such wonder. 'Why?' I figured she wondered. 'Why not?' I secretly thought back to myself. I thought it was funny... ha ha ha... (but I admit, I did blush a little). "Well... because... I just like the way your body feels... on mine..." I was ready to accept any confused looks. But, I looked at her straight in the eye this time, and bit my bottom lip, yearning for more. "Please...?"
She grinned, "Only because you said please..." she joked. And she did so... letting our bodies match the other horizontally. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment, and a huge sigh was released from the pit of my lungs... a sigh, it seemed, that I had been holding in for far too long. "...Am I that heavy?" Videl questioned.
"Ha ha ha ha, no, no..." I laughed off. "Just... enjoying myself." I raised my neck a little to kiss her cheek.
"Or, 'enjoying' me," my fiancé reminded me. I began placing my kisses up to her neck.
"Well, I'm wanting to..." allured a voice from the heart of my passion. Videl closed her eyes to enjoy the moment, also.
"Gohan, are you sure that you could ride the nimbus now? You've turned into a dirty boy..." I interrupted my kissing and began to laugh out loud again... and you know what they say, laughter is contagious. Well, at least this was a much better mood that before... "It's okay though... It's not like I didn't ask for it..." She ran an hand through her silky strands, out of my face.
"That's right..." I reinstated, "you have to accept the whole package."
Videl smiled, tracing a finger across my chest. "Well, first I have to see the... 'whole package.'" I laughed again.
"I'm not the only pervert, pervert!" I caroused.
"Whatever! I accept my pervy-ness... We don't need the nimbus anyway, since we can fly..." She smiled, and kissed my forehead.
"You are right..." I sighed, still grinning a dopey grin... "Very right." A earnest, loving expression came across her face, and she nodded slightly. Our arms wrapped around each other's bodies, and we savored our silence together in that drifting sunrise. Moments like these... make all the pains of living worthwhile. I really loved her... it didn't have to be so announced and profound. As long as the both of us knew... it was all right with me. "Videl..." I vocalized. She turned toward me and gave a slight grin.
"Hm...?" is all she asked. I held her close...
"Let's go have sex..." I said to her.
"..." She was, indeed, caught off guard... very much so. "...'Please...?'" she asked. And, I beamed a smile back.