A/N: Up until quite recently, my mom, sister, and I were all big watchers of soap operas. We don't actually watch the shows much at this time, mainly because they've spent a few months consistently sucking, but it's still a part of my heritage! And so on and so forth. I decided that Eiichiro Oda (who, by the way, owns all of these characters and the world in which they live, not me) just does not infuse enough angst into the story! (This is a lie.) Thus, here we are. This story is not for the faint of heart!
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Voiceover: Previously, on All My Pirates... Sanji learned that his cancer was more advanced than anyone had expected. Usopp confronted Chopper about his problem. Zoro and Robin had a serious talk. And Luffy made a shocking discovery...
(Dramatic focus on Luffy, who is standing in the galley, a look of intense horror on his face. Camera pans to show the rest of the galley--it's empty.)
Luffy: It's gone! It's all gone! (An intense tear forms in his eye. Poignant music.) The MEAT! (Music rises to a dramatic crescendo.)
(Cut to Usopp, facing the camera, away from Chopper, who stands behind him. Both are looking very dramatic and intense.)
Usopp: Chopper. This is a serious problem that's gotten way out of hand. I don't want to be the bad guy here...
Chopper: You're overreacting! I can quit anytime.
Usopp: You're addicted, Chopper! And it's affecting your work. I can't... I just can't let you go into surgery in that condition again!
Chopper: What do you know about it! Whatever! Whatever! You don't know me! I
do what I want!
Usopp: We've been arguing about this for four episodes now, Chopper! Admit it; you have a problem!
Chopper: You're lying! And anyway, you haven't even turned around to face me for three of those episodes.
Usopp: It's more dramatic and intense this way! (Dramatic, intense close up of Usopp. Dramatic, intense close up of Chopper. Dramatic, intense close up of the figurehead.)
(Cut to Robin and Zoro. Both are staring at each other from opposite sides of the room. Dramatic intensity abounds.)
Robin: Let's be honest with each other, Master Swordsman--
Zoro: Honest? It's honesty you want, then? (He slams his fist on the table against which he is leaning, all dramatically intense.) For starters, I hate it when you call me that!
Robin: But I refer to everyone that way.
Zoro: Yes, and it's a very endearing trademark and all, but it's annoying as hell.
Robin: I apologize, Master Swordsman.
Zoro: That! Stop that! Besides, I thought I wasn't like the others! I thought I was--
Robin: Different?
Zoro: (He turns away from her abruptly and intensely. Drama is written all over his face.) I thought what we had was special.
Robin: You and I both know that isn't true, Master Swordsman. I know you're in love with somebody else. (Zoro does not respond, save for one intense, dramatic gasp.) It's Master Cook, isn't it?
Zoro: (After an intense, dramatic pause, he nods.) But that's not all.
Robin: (Nodding with slow intensity, a dramatic understanding on her face.) Master Captain, too, then. That was almost too obvious.
Zoro: Yes, but... that's not all!
Robin: (With a dramatic, intense frown.) Miss Navigator, too?
Zoro: Yes! It's all true! And Usopp, and Chopper--
Robin: Uh--
Zoro: And Tashigi, the Marine Sergeant-Major! SHE LOOKS LIKE MY DEAD BEST FRIEND! (He dramatically bursts into intense sobs.)
Robin: Uh--
Zoro: I know I often argue with these people, but it's really just a front for my real feelings! I yell, but I just want to hold them! I just want them to hold me! Is that so much to ask? Even you, Robin. I say I don't trust you, but I love you, too!
Robin: Uh... is all of this really true?
Zoro: (A dramatically intense shrug.) Ten thousand fanfic writers can't be wrong.
(Cut to Sanji lying in bed, looking intensely weak, with Chopper standing over him dramatically.)
Sanji: Weren't you just arguing with Usopp?
Chopper: That's just the cancer talking.
Sanji: Oh...
Chopper: It's advanced beyond what my skills can handle, Sanji. I'm afraid you only have seventeen minutes to live. (Dramatic, intense close up of Sanji. Dramatic, intense close up of Chopper.)
Sanji: Only seventeen minutes? But that doesn't give me enough time to tell the rest of the crew how I truly feel about them...
Chopper: It's okay, Sanji. They already know.
Sanji: How could they possibly know?
Chopper: We can see it in your eye.
Sanji: Oh. ... Wait a minute. "Eye"? I have two of them!
Chopper: What? (Chopper stumbles backwards with dramatic intensity. There is shock on his tiny, adorable face.) No way!
Sanji: No, I'm serious. It's right here. (Sanji sits up--it is difficult for him, in a dramatic sort of way--and brushes aside his hair, to reveal his fabled other eye. The whole moment is very intense.)
Chopper: Oh my god! (He faints from the shock. The drama and intensity are too much for him.)
(Cut to Chopper and Usopp, just as they were when we last left them.)
Usopp: Um. Didn't you just pass out?
Chopper: Shut up! Addiction this, pass out that! Who are they going to believe, anyway? I'm freaking ADORABLE. You're just a liar with a big nose! Asshole!
Usopp: Words can hurt, Chopper!
Luffy: (Suddenly, dramatically, intensely, the door flies open, and Luffy bursts in.) Guys! Come quick! Something terrible has happened!
(He bursts into the room where Zoro and Robin are intensely making out, but, in a dramatic fashion, he does not notice.)
Luffy: You come too! It's terrible, terrible!
(With similar drama and intensity, he also bursts into the room where Chopper and Sanji are.)
Luffy: Terrible! Terrible!
Chopper: I heard already! Asshole!
(Cut to the deck of the Merry. Luffy, Chopper, Usopp, Zoro, and Robin are intensely and dramatically gathered there.)
Luffy: Terrible! Terrible! Where's Sanji?
Chopper: He only has (pause to check the time, drama, intense) four more minutes to live! He can't take any more terrible news!
Luffy: Where's Nami? (They all exchange intense, dramatic looks of confusion.)
Usopp: We haven't seen her all day.
Luffy: That's strange.
Zoro: That's not strange, that's lazy writing. (A dramatic, intense pause.) Why do I get the feeling this will be my last line?
Luffy: Don't complain about it; I'm the captain and I've barely been around this whole time. You guys were all, "Cancer this," and "Addiction that"--addiction to what, might I ask?
Usopp: ... That's a good question. (A dramatic, intense look at Chopper.) What are you addicted to again? (Chopper
shrugs, in a typically dramatic and intense fashion.)
Robin: Master Captain?
Luffy: Huh?
Robin: What was the "terrible, terrible" news you had to give us?
Luffy: What are you talking about? -- Oh! Oh, that! It's terrible, terrible!
Usopp: So we hear.
Sanji: (Suddenly, he dramatically bursts out of his room onto the deck with the others, who turn to him with intense gasps.) Good afternoon!
Chopper: But it's been eighteen minutes since I told you it would only be seventeen minutes! Is it--can it be--am I losing my touch? Maybe I do have an addiction to... something...!
Sanji: No, it's not that! I feel much better!
Chopper: Let me see! (He dramatically rushes over to take Sanji's pulse intensely.) Oh my god! It's true! You're miraculously cured!
Usopp: You could tell all that just by taking his pulse...?
Sanji: I feel like I have a new lease on life! I want to adopt starving orphans in Africa! I want to take up the piano! I want to learn German! I want to--I want to--I want to save the rainforest! And, hey, Marimo--I mean Zoro; can I call you Zoey? Let's be friends! (Zoey, to add to the intensity and drama of the moment, does not respond.)
Luffy: It's a miracle! But it's still terrible!
Robin: What's terrible?
Luffy: ALL THE MEAT IS GONE. (Intense, dramatic close ups of each of the crew members in turn, with appropriately intense, dramatic music.)
Nami: (The intense tension is dramatically broken when Nami bursts out onto the deck with the others.) I have an announcement to make!
Usopp: Hey, Luffy, I found Nami.
Luffy: Oh. Good job, Usopp!
Usopp: It was no problem for me, the great Lord Captain Usopp! It was just like the time that--
Luffy: (He backhands Usopp with dramatic intensity.) Stop acting in-character! That's out of place here!
Usopp: Fists can hurt, Luffy!
Luffy: I think that's kinda the point.
Nami: AHEM. I said, I have an announcement!
Robin: What is it, Miss Navigator?
Nami: I-- (Dramatic, intense pause.) --am pregnant!
Sanji: WHAT? Who's the father?
Nami: That's the second part of my announcement! I don't know!
Usopp: Process of elimination, Nami. It can't be that difficult.
Nami: Remember that party we had a little while back? Where there was copious amounts of alcohol?
Luffy: (Thinking, dramatically intense.) No.
Nami: Of course you don't! I don't either! So that must be when it happened!
Sanji: I... am not sure that's logically sound.
Nami: (She intensely ignores him; it is dramatic.) It could be any of you!
Chopper: EVEN ME?
Nami: Even you! It's only fair to assume so!
Chopper: It's only disgusting! I'm adorable, yes, but also a monster!
Nami: Shut up! We're not focusing on your angst right now! It's my turn! Anyway, I've made a decision! And this is to be fair, remember--all of you will pay me child support, starting now!
All: WHAT?
Usopp: You're... not really pregnant, are you?
Voiceover: Next time, on All My Pirates... Zoey becomes permanently mute. Chopper confronts his troubled past. Usopp considers plastic surgery. Sanji has a relapse. Luffy continues his search for the missing meat. Intensity, drama, and more, all coming up on... All My Pirates!
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A/N: A few more things: as an aside, "master" actually is the form of address for unmarried males; in analogy form, this would be master is to mister as miss is to missus (I love analogies, don't you?). People don't really use it, which I find strange; like, young unmarried girls are worthy of an honorific, but not young unmarried boys? Whatev. Anyway, for some reason I really don't have a problem imagining Robin saying it. It's part of her charm, or something. I dunno. Go with it!
There's a line in here taken from an episode of South Park. I've never actually seen the episode, but my sister references it all the damn time, so I feel like I've seen it. +10 to anyone who spots it!
Unrelatedly, I'm currently listening to Esthero's new album, Wikked Lil' Grrrls (or is it four 'r's? Meh). Anyway, I dig it. Check it out, yo.
As always, thanks so much for reading! ♥