-----
Voiceover: It's that time again! The time you've all been waiting for! That's right, it's Pretty Pretty Princess Magical Twirl Sparkle Glitter Love Love Time!
(Flashy opening sequence with lots of twirling, sparkling, and glittering, plus a catchy pop song. When the twirling has subsided, cut to Nami, sitting at a desk in an ordinary Japanese teenage girl's bedroom.)
Nami:
Despite the fact that I look eighteen and am an ace
cartographer/navigator, I am actually really just an ordinary,
unmotivated, unremarkable junior high school student! This is so
boring! I wish I was cool in some way!
A
voice: Psst. Nami.
Nami:
What? A voice? Where is it coming from? (Beat.)
No, no, that should be "from where is it coming?" (Beat.)
Yeah, yeah. I forgot. Where is it coming from?
A
voice: Right here!
Nami:
(Looks.)
Ohmigosh! It's two adorable little cats! (One
of the cats has dark, tousled fur and an adorable little straw hat on
his head. The other has sleek blond fur and whiskers that curl up at
the ends.)
Blond
cat: Not half as adorable as you, Miss Nami! (Heart
eyes.)
Nami:
The cat talked! And may, in fact, be hitting on me!
Straw
hat cat: Of course he talked! I'm Luffyko, and this is
Sanjiko. (Luffyko
jumps up onto Nami's
desk and pushes a sparkly brooch at Nami.)
This is your transformation brooch.
Nami:
Luffyko, that's pronounced "broach," with a long O.
Luffyko:
But the script says--
Nami:
I know that's how it's spelled, but I promise you, it's a long O
sound, not an oo sound.
Luffyko:
Are you sure?
Nami:
Positive.
Luffyko:
All right! Anyway, this is your transformation brooch, and with it,
you can transform into the guardian of love, justice, and vitamin C,
Pretty Tangerine!
Nami:
Pretty... what?
Sanjiko:
(Jumping up beside
Luffyko.)
You don't need a transformation brooch for the pretty part!
Nami:
How does it work?
Luffyko:
Just hold it up and say, "Pretty power, make up!"
Nami:
If you say so, talking cat! Pretty power, make up! (A
flashy transformation sequence ensues, with flashy sparkling and
flashy twirling and a measure of nudity.)
Sanjiko:
Mewllorine!
(Passes out, a small
trickle of blood coming from his kitty nose.)
Pretty
Tangerine: (Done
transforming, now wearing a stylized schoolgirl uniform.)
Why didn't they just call this the "Perverted Fanservice Hour"?
Luffyko:
Because it's only a half-hour. Anyway, now that you're ready, Pretty
Tangerine, let's go fight the bad guys!
Pretty
Tangerine: Wait. Who am I fighting? (But
Luffyko
and a suddenly conscious Sanjiko
have already skipped off, adorably. Quickly, Pretty
Tangerine runs
after them.)
(Cut to downtown Tokyo. Scary Man-Beast Chopper is, for some reason, on a rampage. There's already another junior high school girl who looks much, much older in a uniform like Pretty Tangerine's with two cats--a sleepy-looking fuzzy green one, and a long-nosed one with curly brown fur.)
Luffyko:
Zoroko! Usoppko! You're already here!
Sanjiko:
(Looking back and forth
between Pretty
Tangerine and
the other girl.) Ahh! I can't decide which is more
beautiful!
Pretty
Tangerine: Who is this?
Usoppko:
This is your partner in crime-fighting, Pretty Poneglyph!
Pretty
Tangerine: Pretty... what?
Pretty
Poneglyph: It's nice to meet you, Miss Tangerine. Shall
we?
Pretty
Tangerine: Uh... yes! Let's go!
Pretty
Poneglyph: Let's go! (That
having been decided, they go.)
Scary
Man-Beast Chopper: GOR! (Smacks
them away.)
Sanjiko:
How dare you hit a lady, you overgrown man-beast! (Did
I mention there were gratuitous panty shots?)
Mewllorine...!
Zoroko:
We can't get involved, you stupid love cat. This is their fight.
(Pause.)
Hey, I got a line!
Pretty
Tangerine: Our attacks aren't working for some reason,
Pretty Poneglyph!
Pretty
Poneglyph: I guess we'll have to use... that
attack.
Pretty
Tangerine: That
attack? You can't mean--! ... Wait, what do
you mean?
Pretty
Poneglyph: Our Super Double Combined Plus Ultimate Pretty
Sparkle Attack!
Pretty
Tangerine: Sounds ultimate!
Pretty
Poneglyph: It is!
Pretty
Tangerine: Let's use it, then!
Pretty
Poneglyph: Let's!
Pretty
Tangerine: ... How
do we use it?
Pretty
Poneglyph: Well, that's simple; we--um. Hey, Usoppko, how
do we use the Super Double Combined Plus Ultimate Pretty Sparkle
Attack again?
Usoppko:
The what?
Pretty
Poneglyph: The Super Double Combined Plus Ultimate Pretty
Sparkle Attack!
Usoppko:
I've never heard of that one.
Sanjiko:
Maybe they mean the Super Double Plus Combined Ultimate Pretty
Sparkle Attack?
Pretty
Poneglyph: Isn't that what I said?
Luffyko:
Not at all!
Usoppko:
Well, if that's what you meant, why didn't you say
so?
Pretty
Tangerine: Just hurry up and tell us how to use it! The
enemy, who for some unknown reason has strangely not attacked during
this discussion, could do so at any time!
Scary
Man-Beast Chopper: GOR! (Smacks
them away again.)
Pretty
Poneglyph: Never mind! I just remembered how to do it!
Pretty
Tangerine: Ohmigosh! Me too! Tangerine Power!
Pretty
Poneglyph: Poneglyph Power!
Both:
Pretty Power! (There is
a long, complex, and exceptionally flashy series of twirling,
sparkling, glittering, etc., during which time the enemy could easily
attack but does not--possibly having a seizure from the flashing
lights? Also there are lots of gratuitous panty shots.)
Sanjiko:
Mewllorine!
Pretty
Poneglyph and Pretty Tangerine:
ATTACK! (Their attack,
which is also sparkly and pretty, goes flying at Scary
Man-Beast Chopper,
and hits him dead on.)
Scary
Man-Beast Chopper: GOR! (Flashing,
glittering, etc. The network will be sued for putting so many
children in the hospital. When the light clears, Scary
Man-Beast Chopper
is gone, replaced by Adorable
Cuddly Reindeer Chopper.
Pretty
Tangerine
removes her transformation and becomes Nami
again; Pretty
Poneglyph does
the same to become Robin.
They run up to Adorable
Cuddly Reindeer Chopper,
who, being adorable, is now worthy of their concern.)
Adorable
Cuddly Reindeer Chopper: Why do I have to be the bad
guy...?
Nami:
Because, let's face it, your human form is freaking scary.
Adorable
Cuddly Reindeer Chopper: Oh. Yeah. There's that. (Flashy,
angsty pause.) What am I going to do now?
Robin:
Isn't that obvious?
Nami:
Who the hell are you?
Robin:
(Rolls her sparkly
eyes.) Pretty Poneglyph!
Nami:
No way!
Adorable
Cuddly Reindeer Chopper: AHEM! Focus, people!
Robin:
Oh, right! You can become our mascot!
Nami:
Yes! Our mascot! (Cheers,
happiness, laughter, etc. all around.)
Usoppko:
Uh. Mascot? Hey. You already have
four of them...
Voiceover: The world is narrowly saved from man-beast destruction, thanks to the Pretty Pretty Princess Magical Twirl Sparkle Glitter Love Love Power of... Pretty Poneglyph and Pretty Tangerine! Stay tuned for the next episode, in which basically the same thing happens!
-----
A/N: I, not surprisingly, love Sailor Moon.
And since I made a music rec after the soap opera, I feel inclined to do the same this time. Consider it a commercial! Anyway: Ivy. Their newest album is In the Clear, but Long Distance is really, really good too. Go! Listen! Enjoy!
-- Oh. My gosh. Editing is so much easier in Firefox. Normally I hate it (I use Safari), but... SPWEE!
And, of course... thanks for reading! ♥