A/N: I finished HBP yesterday afternoon (I read it like ZOOM--oh, JK), but like to be at least a couple chapters ahead of what I've last "published," which is why I waited longer than normal to put this one up. Don't worry, when you're done, you'll wish I'd waited longer.
I own one of them. SPOT THE FAKE!
(Seriously. I feel like I cannot apologize enough for this chapter. IT HAD TO BE DONE, I SWEAR.)
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Voiceover: Just when they thought it was safe, Luffy and his crew are about to receive a visit from the last person they expect...
(Cut to the deck of the Going Merry Go. All seven members are there. Usopp and Chopper are playing a game of chess. Robin is sitting under her umbrella, reading. Nami is checking the Log Pose. Sanji brings the two of them drinks. Zoro is napping. Luffy is perched on the figurehead.)
Sanji:
What a pleasantly uneventful, normal day! (Suddenly, somebody
who looks remarkably like Uno's
assistant lands
on the deck of the ship from out of nowhere. She is wearing a blue,
long-sleeved, button-down blouse, a short pleated red skirt, and
white knee-high boots. On her head is a hat much like those that
Uncle Sam is fond of wearing. She wields two katana.)
Luffy:
Who are you?
Somebody:
Newest Baroque Works Frontier Agent Miss Independence Day!
Usopp:
Baroque Works? No way, we're done with them.
Zoro:
(Awake now, he stands,
unsheathing Wado Ichimonji from its sheath with the flick of his
thumb.) Twin katana, eh? I'll take care of her.
Miss
Independence Day: We'll see about that! (She
runs at him, and they battle. Suddenly, within moments, Zoro
is flat on his back, Miss
Independence Day
is standing over him, her katana trained on his neck.)
Nami:
Oh, for Pete's sake. (She
nails Miss
Independence Day
over the head with her Clima Tact, effectively knocking her out.)
Zoro:
Why did you interfere?
Nami:
She cheated. Come on, let's get her inside. (Sanji
watches the whole thing, a thoughtful look on his face.)
(Cut to inside, a few hours later. Miss Independence Day is laying down, still out. Sanji sits nearby, watching her. Suddenly, she stirs. She opens her eyes, blinking, and sits up abruptly.)
Miss
Independence Day: Ow! (She
puts a hand to the spot where Nami
hit her. Suddenly, she notices Sanji.)
Where are my katana?
Sanji:
Somewhere safe; how's your head?
Miss
Independence Day: Who are you?
Sanji:
You don't know?
Miss
Independence Day: Why should I?
Sanji:
Is this Questions Only?
Miss
Independence Day: Is the Pope Catholic?
Sanji:
The who?
Miss
Independence Day: What?
Sanji:
Huh?
Miss
Independence Day: Buh?
Sanji:
... Anyway. You might not remember me, but I remember you... Mary
Sue.
Miss
Independence Day: (A
gasp.) How did you know my name?
Sanji:
Because... I'm your brother.
Mary
Sue: What? I don't have a brother.
Sanji:
When my slightly younger twin sister and I were small, she
disappeared. I never gave up hope I would see her alive again,
though.
Mary
Sue: Well... I don't remember when I was really young. My
earliest memories are from when I was six or seven.
Sanji:
That was when she disappeared!
Mary
Sue: I grew up in an orphanage in America. I was adopted
at age eleven. I had a pretty normal life, except for the fact that
I'm practically perfect in every way. And then one day... I
mysteriously wound up in this place. I must have fallen through a
plot hole or something. I joined Baroque Works to give myself
something to do; they saw my skill with the katana and sent me on
this special assignment. They said it was to avenge their old boss.
Sanji:
My sister was a prodigy with twin katana. And practically perfect in
every way! How old are you? When's your birthday?
Mary
Sue: Nineteen. And my birthday is March 2--
Sanji:
I'm nineteen and my birthday is March 2!
Mary
Sue: No, you didn't let me finish. My birthday is March
2--
Sanji:
I know! Mine is too!
Mary
Sue: Would you let me fi--
Sanji:
And besides, if you weren't my sister, I would have made, like,
twenty passes at you by now. And I haven't. So obviously we must be
related.
Mary
Sue: Hm. Your logic is valid!
Sanji:
I have to say, though, the way you totally kicked Marimo's ass was
great.
Mary
Sue: Marimo? Question mark?
Sanji:
I mean Zoro. You see, "marimo" is the name of this type of
green algae that grows in an almost perfectly round shape. They only
grow in a few places in the world; one of those places is Lake Akan
in Japan, where they can grow up to a foot in diameter. The people of
Japan consider marimo a national treasure. They--marimo, I mean, not
the people of Japan--really do look surprisingly like Zoro's head, so
I cleverly use that as a patronizing nickname for him. (Seriously.
Go type it into an image search engine right now and see for yourself
if you haven't already.)
Mary
Sue: That's mean, Big Brother!
Sanji:
Is it? (He considers.)
I guess it kinda is. I never really thought about it. Mary Sue, I
think having you around will make me a Better Person!
Mary
Sue: Will you even quit smoking? If you don't remember, I
have asthma.
Sanji:
Certainly! (He
extinguishes his cigarette.)
Mary
Sue: You're so good to me, Big Brother!
Sanji:
It's what big brothers are for.
(Cut to the girls' room. It's late. Nami and Mary Sue are still awake, though, talking.)
Nami:
Ah? So you're Sanji's twin sister?
Mary
Sue: Mmhm. It's funny; I never remembered those early
years of my life, but slowly, I'm starting to now.
Nami:
I wonder why that is...?
Mary
Sue: Oh, plot device, I'm sure.
Nami:
Ahh. That must be it. Listen, I'm sorry I hit you over the head
before.
Mary
Sue: Oh, you're forgiven.
Nami:
Tell me how you really
beat Zoro, huh?
Mary
Sue: I can't. It's a secret.
Nami:
That's no fun.
Mary
Sue: I'm sorry.
Nami:
Ah... I can't hold it against you. Let's be friends, okay!
Mary
Sue: BFF, even!
(Cut to the deck of the Going Merry Go the next morning. It is much as it was the morning before, except Sanji and Mary Sue are having a conversation, and Zoro is watching them.)
Luffy:
How are those two twins?
Chopper:
They're fraternal twins. They developed from two separate eggs. They
would be no more identical than any other brother and sister.
Luffy:
No, no. They don't look anything
alike at all.
For one thing, she has two eyes.
Chopper:
So does Sanji!
Luffy:
Liar.
Chopper:
No, really! I saw it! The left eye!
Luffy:
Really?
Chopper:
Uh-huh!
Usopp:
Luffy's right, though. They really don't look alike. Don't you think
so, Zoro?
Zoro:
(Startled.)
Huh?
Usopp:
Sanji and his sister. They don't look alike at all, do they?
Zoro:
I wasn't looking at her! (Usopp,
Luffy,
and Chopper
exchange confused glances.)
Robin:
(Approaching them.)
Don't tell me: this is going to degrade quickly into a love story
between Master Swordsman and Miss Independence Day. As an added
bonus, there will be the secondary pairing of her brother, Master
Cook, and her new "BFF," Miss Navigator, and the rest of us
will be completely forgotten about.
Chopper:
No way!
Sanji:
(Appearing suddenly
beside Robin.)
What's this about that shi--er, Zoro and my sister?
Zoro:
There's nothing "about" me and her, you stupid cook.
Sanji:
Why you--! I know I promised Mary Sue I'd be nicer to you, but every time you open your mouth it just pisses me off!
Zoro: What was that, magic eyebrows?
Sanji: Wha--! Stand up and say that again!
Zoro:
(Stands up.) What was that, magic eyebrows?
Sanji:
That's it! I'm gonna kick your ass.
Zoro:
(Getting ready to
unsheathe his swords.) Try it.
Mary
Sue: (Running
between them.) Zoro! Big Brother! No! Don't fight! You see...
the truth is... the truth is... the truth is I
love you, Zoro!
Zoro:
(A pause while he
debates whether or not to say it.) ... I love you too,
Mary Sue! (They
embrace.)
Usopp:
Why does
Zoro get all the girls, anyway?
Luffy:
Who knows...
Mary
Sue: Now that we've admitted our feelings to one another,
I have an idea! Let's set my brother up with Nami, and then they can
be as happy as we are!
Chopper:
Ooh, Robin! You totally called that one! You're so smart!
Usopp:
Ahh, nobody cares about our
happiness.
Luffy:
Not necessarily. It depends on the writer. Some people think you and
Sanji should be a couple.
Usopp:
A couple of what?
Luffy:
You know, a couple.
Usopp:
Me and Sanji?
Where does that even come
from?
Luffy:
From the same place that me and Zoro as a couple comes from, I guess.
Usopp:
No, no, see, I can find a margin of sense in that, because you're
both so devoted to each other.
Luffy:
I am no more devoted to Zoro than any of my other comrades. Not to
mention he's only as devoted to me as he is because I'm the captain.
Hello? Have we forgotten about Zoro's strict code of honor? Why is he
trying to become the world's strongest swordsman? Why does he let
Nami push him around when he owes her money? For the same reason he
would follow me to the ends of the earth: his code of honor. Nothing
more. No, not even the desire to get into my pants.
Usopp:
That's not how it is at all, Luffy. It's because you're in love with
each other and enjoy the hot sex. I mean. Not in this fic, obviously.
But.
Luffy:
But he even said
that if I got in the way of his goal, he'd cut me down just like
everybody else!
Usopp:
Just trust me, okay?
Luffy:
... Okay!
Usopp:
But we haven't even touched on all the Zoro/Sanji writers! And there
are a lot of them.
Luffy:
Well. Obviously. The way they're always fighting is clearly their way
of releasing all the sexual tension between them.
Usopp:
You know, that's what I always thought too. So it's only logical to
extrapolate that they might decide just to go straight for the sex.
Heh, straight. No pun intended.
Luffy:
Hey, what about Robin?
Usopp:
Ah, I was hoping you'd ask that! You see, Robin is a strange case.
Most writers tend to ignore her because she is so mysterious, and
comes into the story so late--
Robin:
Oh, is that why? I was so afraid it was because you didn't like me!
(Tear.)
Usopp:
But writers that do pay attention to her tend to pair her with Zoro
or Sanji.
Luffy:
She's a lot older than them, you know.
Usopp:
When will you learn that age is just a number, Luffy!
Luffy:
I'm sorry, Usopp! I'm trying. Why Zoro and Sanji?
Usopp:
Well, Zoro because he says he doesn't trust her, and many writers
interpret that as, "I want to do bad, sexy things to you under the
cover of night, baby."
Luffy:
Ah!
Usopp:
And others pair her with Sanji probably to get him out of the way so
they can pair you with Nami.
Luffy:
Really?
Usopp:
Yep! You and Nami make a popular pairing, despite the fact that I,
personally, have always interpreted your relationship as purely
protective younger brother/exasperated but loving older sister. It's probably even more
popular than Nami and
Sanji, I'd say, which is odd as Nami and Sanji is closer to being
canon. However, both are less popular than Nami and Zoro. But there's
one I'm forgetting, my personal favorite: Nami and Vivi!
Luffy:
Oh, well that's
a given. They were so in love.
Usopp:
A tragic tale of love, loss, and more loss!
Luffy:
I thought that was Bag
of Crushed Child.
Usopp:
Do I get bonus points for such an obscure reference?
Luffy:
No; it's like referencing an inside joke. The Un
Chien Andalou reference is the closest thing to being
genuinely "obscure" that we've had so far.
Usopp:
All right, I give up. However, that's not important! What is
important is that if Zoro is busy with Mary Sue, and Sanji is busy
with Nami, then one of us gets Robin!
Robin:
Oh, Master Doctor! I've never felt this way about anyone before!
Chopper:
(Giggling and doing a
little dance.) Oh, shut up! Even if you say that, I don't
believe you! Asshole!
Robin:
I love it when you're being contrary! It just makes me want to be
with you even more!
Chopper:
Asshole!
Usopp:
... This has gone way too far.
Voiceover: Next time: Zoro and Mary Sue plan their wedding! Sanji and Nami welcome their first little bundle of joy already! Robin and Chopper make it work, somehow! There are no other characters!
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A/N: I randomly created Newest Baroque Works Frontier Agent Miss Independence Day as the Ultimate One Piece Mary Sue (yes, her name was meant to be an anvil). I didn't know much about her besides the fact that she was, randomly, from America, because all good--that is, "good" Mary Sues written by Americans are, but never really gave her much more thought. I figured this would be the best place to showcase her, because I could never live with myself if I wrote extensively about her.
Her birthday is actually March 24, though Sanji wouldn't let her explain that; they're still twins, though. Because I say so, is why; since when does this fic, or Mary Sues in general for that matter, require logic? Their mom totally could have been in labor for three weeks! You don't know! Most importantly, though, it's because my birthday is March 24. And yes, I am nineteen. Like I said, Ultimate One Piece Mary Sue; I had to go all-out. (I had already had her down as Sanji's sister before I realized it worked out like that, so don't throw rotten tomatoes at me just yet... no matter how much I deserve it.)
Most importantly, I hope I didn't offend anyone with the stuff about fic writers. It was said with tongue firmly in cheek and I mean all of this in good fun!
As for music... you all listen to Frou Frou already, right? Good; then I don't have to rec them.
♥! Thanks for reading!