A/N: Pseudo-relatedly, I was reading over this fan site for OP (I won't even TRY to link it, thankyouverymuch ff.n), and they refer to Chopper's "scary man-beast form" as... his man beast form. Damn. And I really thought I'd been clever and come up with that all on my own. Which raises the following question: is it actually called that in the series, and I've just been deluding myself the whole time? WHAT IS TRUTH!
Anyway, with regards to this particular vignette, I've been meaning to do it for ages, but somehow it slipped my mind repeatedly (my mind is, in fact, a very slippery place).
-----
Voiceover: The Going Merry Go. To an outsider, it would look like any other small vessel. But on a dark and not necessarily stormy night, her passengers are about to make a gruesome discovery, perpetrated by one of their own. But whodunnit? With what? And where? This is Murder on the Merry Express.
(Cut to the deck of the Merry. Luffy bursts through one of the doors.)
Luffy: Everyone! Come quick! It's terrible, terrible! ... Why am I wearing a maid's uniform? (He is, by the way; did I forget to mention that?)
(Anyway, cut to the lounge area as everyone packs in. Strangely, it seems much bigger than usual and filled with more books. It is also lit entirely by candlelight. In addition to Luffy's new outfit, the others also seem to be in different attire than normal: Chopper is wearing a smart, deep purple suit and a (very adorable, of course) monocle; Usopp's overalls have been exchanged for a similarly-colored military uniform; Robin is wearing an uncharacteristically conservative but elegant blue-green gown; Nami is dressed in a very revealing slinky dress that is deep red in color; Sanji's suit is much the same as usual, but a deep green instead of black.)
Sanji:
Is this about that missing meat from a million episodes ago?
Robin:
Aren't all these candles just sitting around like this a fire hazard, especially on a wooden ship?
And where's Master Swordsman?
Luffy:
Right there! (He
points. Lying on the floor as if he fell there and was too dead to
rearrange himself is Zoro.
He is wearing a spiffy suit as well, though fat lot of good it's
doing him in that position.) I found him like that! He's
dead!
Zoro:
(Under his breath.)
... Why am I a dead body?
Luffy:
(Planting a foot firmly
on the side of Zoro's
face.) Dead men tell no tales.
Zoro:
(Looking up around
Luffy's
foot.) I see Paris, I see France--
Luffy:
(Quickly rearranging
his skirt to cover himself better, he shifts more of his weight to
the foot on Zoro's
face.) Anyway, it's--hey, the missing meat! What about
that?
Sanji:
You only just now realized what I said!
Usopp:
Don't worry about the meat; I'm sure it just fell into a plot hole.
Luffy:
Ah, probably, Colonel.
Chopper:
Colonel? (He
looks at Usopp
with newfound awe, stars in his eyes.)
Luffy:
That's what I said, Professor.
Chopper:
Professor?
(He looks back at
Luffy.
The air around him seems to sparkle with excitement.)
Nami:
Wait a minute, I know where this is going. (She
points to each of them in turn.) Luffy's Mrs. White,
Robin's Mrs. Peacock, Usopp's Colonel Mustard, Chopper's Professor
Plum, Sanji's Mr. Green, I'm Miss Scarlet, and Zoro's Mr. Boddy? This
is so played out.
Luffy:
I'm not a "Mrs."
Robin:
Nor am I, Ma--er, Mrs. White, but it seems that for the sake of this
crossover, that is our designated role.
Luffy:
I don't wanna!
Zoro:
At least you're not a dead
body.
Sanji:
You're awfully noisy
for a dead body. No wonder they never give you lines; you can't even
play a corpse properly!
Zoro:
That's it--Luffy, move your foot!
Luffy:
Dead men also don't kick the crap out of live men.
Sanji:
Who's kicking the crap out of whom
now?
Zoro:
He won't be live
when I get through with him!
Usopp:
Ahh, their love transcends even death. (A
knowing look to Luffy,
who nods his agreement.)
Sanji:
(Now turning his anger
towards Usopp.)
Say that again and we'll see if you
can transcend death.
Robin:
I think I've seen this done before, but with X-Men.
Nami:
Yeah, me too. It had more death, but less slapstick, so that gives it
a +2 over this crapfest.
Robin:
It was also mercifully free from crossdressing.
Nami: Yes, so +5 more! -- Oh, wait! No it wasn't!
Robin:
You're right! -5, then.
Nami:
And it was Mrs. White, too! What a gyp! Man, all I'm saying is that
if Mr. 2 turns out to be behind this, I'm going to be severely
disappointed.
Sanji:
Mr. 2? What does that shitty weirdo have to do with anything?
Nami:
Never mind, Sanji-Green.
Usopp:
It won't be Mr. 2 because the network wouldn't want to pay for a
guest star like that.
Luffy:
Ah, but they have done in the past! Once even just because you said
they wouldn't. So maybe it will
be Mr. 2.
Robin:
Well, there's a simple solution to that
theory. We all just have to touch our cheeks with out left hands. If
nobody turns into Mr. 2, then we know he isn't here.
Chopper:
Ooh! Robin, you're so smart!
Robin:
Shall we, then? (Everybody
does so. Nobody turns into Mr.
2, much to the
relief of Payroll.)
Luffy:
Hey! Zoro didn't do it.
Zoro:
One, your foot is on my face. Two, I'm dead! Why would I be Mr. 2,
the murderer, and
the one he murdered?
Luffy:
Ah! (Raising a
triumphant finger skywards.) So it was suicide! Mr. 2, you
should have come to us if you were having problems.
Usopp:
(Aside to Chopper.)
Notice how Zoro seems to be getting more lines as a corpse than he
does normally? And anyway, wouldn't it have made more sense to make
him Mr.
Green, given the color of his hair and all?
Sanji:
Hey. Are you suggesting I ought to be the one on the floor with
Luffy's foot on my face?
Nami:
(Snapping her fingers
suddenly.) Wasn't Mr. Green gay?
Robin:
Oh! You're right, Miss N--Scarlet.
Sanji:
Whaaaaaat?
Chopper:
Not if you watched the real ending! In that one, he was the one who
killed Mr. Boddy, with the revolver. He was actually a plant!
Nami:
I thought guys like that were usually called a fruit. (Beat.)
Wait. Haven't we stolen enough
from other movies already?
Zoro:
You were the one who said it...
Luffy:
Ohh! (Pointing a finger
at Sanji.)
So it was you all along, Mr. Green! Or should I say... Mr.
2, Bon Clay!
Others:
It's not Mr. 2!
Luffy:
... Maybe the butler, then?
Usopp:
There is no
butler.
Chopper:
The closest thing we have to a butler is... (He gasps,
suddenly, and freezes. His head slowly and jerkily turns to look at
Luffy.)
Luffy:
What is it?
Chopper:
AAAAH! (He runs to hide
behind Robin.)
Luffy:
What? (He blinks,
nonplussed.)
Usopp:
I know the best way to solve this case. Years of fighting hard
battles on the front lines has taught me much!
Sanji:
You're... not actually a colonel.
Usopp:
Yes, the solution goes like this! (Everybody
waits, expectantly. There is a long pause. Suddenly, his hand shoots
up into the air.) Not it! (Long
silence. Finally, Sanji
and Nami
both take it upon themselves to clock Usopp
on the head.)
Zoro:
It's kind of hard to see from this position, but I'm going to assume
you did what I think you did, and... thanks.
Nami:
It was nothing.
Usopp:
(Somewhat lumpier.)
Says you...
Chopper:
(Shaking a little bit
as he speaks.) Anyway... we need to be serious and figure
out who really
killed Zoro! I mean, Mr. Boddy!
Robin:
Actually, I already have a thought on the subject.
Chopper:
So you think it's Mrs. White too!
Luffy:
Ah! So it was you,
M--wait. That's me!
Chopper:
S-so you admit it, then!
Luffy:
(Genuine awe.)
Wow. I never
would have suspected me!
I'm so good I even fooled myself!
Others:
It... wasn't him, after all.
Robin:
No, listen: Mr. Boddy--Master Swordsman--isn't really dead at all.
Chopper:
W-what! But you can see him, right there!
Zoro:
Aren't you a doctor...?
Robin:
But he's been conversing with us quite freely this whole time.
Zoro:
She's right, you know.
Luffy:
So he's a ghost! (His
eyes widen.) SO COOL.
Sanji:
You of all people should know that isn't
true. You've got your foot on his face.
Zoro:
Yeah, about that--
Luffy:
He's a very convincing
ghost.
Nami:
Ahh, I'm done with this one. I'm going to bed. (She
turns to leave.)
Sanji:
Wait, Miss Nami! I'll protect you from the murderers! (He
hurries after.)
Robin:
I had better make sure Master Cook stays out of the room, then. (She
follows behind.)
Chopper:
(Looking up at Usopp.)
So is that it, then? Are we done?
Usopp:
It certainly looks that way.
Zoro:
Hey, Luffy. Get your foot off my face.
Luffy:
What? Oh. Sorry. (He does so.)
Zoro:
Thanks... (He sits up,
rubbing his face, which has a nice sandal print on it. He stretches,
yawning, and gets up to go to bed as well.) And change out
of that ridiculous outfit.
Luffy:
What, this? ... But I like it.
Zoro:
(Holding up his hands.)
I'm not even gonna go there. (He
leaves.)
Luffy:
Wait! (Running after.)
What's wrong with it? Does it make me look fat...?
Usopp:
(Exchanging another
look with Chopper.)
... Well. That was anticlimactic.
Voiceover: Next time: Mrs. White goes vigilante to avenge the crime (but in a new outfit). Mrs. Peacock manages to save Miss Scarlet from Mr. Green's protection. Colonel Mustard is sent back to the front lines. Professor Plum is adorable. Mr. Boddy is dead... or is he?
-----
A/N: It's entirely plausible that Mr. 2 can touch his left cheek without necessarily changing back (all though I think the need for Xs in Alabasta was more of Oda's way of being "YAY FRIENDS" than anything else... just speculating), but for the sake of MY CANON WHERE I AM GOD, this is not the case. And ultimately, it's a moot point, because the "culprit" was not Mr. 2.
The fic that Nami and Robin briefly discussed exists. I wrote it. It is called Clue, and it is uploaded here on ff.n. /shameless. (Yes, I actually did completely forget that there was crossdressing; that was my mistake, not Robin's. I caught it when I was editing. I really do only have one way of doing any given thing.)
There's just something about Clue (the board game, or, if you prefer, the amazing 1985 film starring the equally amazing Tim Curry, also referenced herein) that makes the perfect murder mystery (outside of Poirot and Holmes): a number of characters equal to the number of crew members on the Merry with colorful (literally) names running around in different rooms making mad guesses about a murder with only a deck of cards to guide them! Wait, what?
... Go listen to some Rilo Kiley. And read HBP! NOW! ♥