A/N: I'm going to see Wicked tonight (w007!). The timing of that and the publishing of this were completely unintentional; it was entirely serendipitous and, if I do say so myself, appropriate!

I am tone deaf. Aside from a few years marching clarinet and bass drum, I have never had any musical inclinations whatsoever, and honestly, I think the world is better off for it.

Andrew Lloyd Webber was not available.

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Voiceover: Oh yeah, we went there! That's right, put on your dancing shoes and get ready to boogie, it's One Piece: The Musical!

(Curtain. Shuffling in from stage right are Zoro, Nami, and Usopp; stage left, Robin, Chopper, and Sanji. They sing.)

(Number: "The Straw Hat Pirates.")
All: Straw Hats!
We are the Straw Hat Pirates!
We don't pillage, plunder, or rape,
But we're skilled at great escapes,
With our superpowers, in some cases,
We are awesome pirate aces,
Though our numbers may be small,
We are the greatest of them all,
Following our dreams, we sail the seas
One day we'll find it, One Piece!
ZORO!

Zoro: Pirate-hunter Zoro, that's what they called me,
Now I'm a pirate with a sizable bounty!
I made a big promise back when I was wee,
To be the greatest swordsman that the world's ever seen!
I'm still working at it, but in the meanwhile,
Cross me and I'll kick your ass, three-sword style!

All: NAMI!

Nami: I'm cute, I'm intelligent, I'm ultra-stylish,
To draw a map of the world is my greatest wish!
I love money and tangerines and that's about it,
I'm a master thief and dream of being rich!
I'll use my feminine wiles to get my way,
If that bothers you, tough; that's just how I play!

All: USOPP!

Usopp: Captain Usopp, as I'm known to my friends;
Okay, I admit, I just like to pretend!
One day, I'll be a brave warrior the seas,
Just like my great father who came before me!
A master with a slingshot, I've got a great eye,
I just pull back the strap and let that star fly!

All: SANJI!

Sanji: Good evening, ladies; would you like a sorbet?
Making you fine dishes is my number one forte!
I'll be everything you need, I'll treat you like a queen,
I'll do whatever you want, and I'll never be mean!
But just because I'm a gentleman, men, don't think I'm meek,
Or else watch out, bastard, I'll kick your ass to next week!

All: CHOPPER!

Chopper: I am a blue-nosed reindeer born on Christmas Eve,
I was shunned by my kin so I decided to leave!
I ate the Hito Hito fruit, so now I'm half man,
And when it comes to helping people, I do what I can!
You see, I'm a doctor, and I've studied for years,
I think that's quite a lot for a blue-nosed reindeer!

All: ROBIN!

Robin: I've been wanted by the government since I was eight,
Running from the law seems to be my only fate!
I ate the Hana Hana fruit, my past's a mystery,
I go from group to group in search of the true history!
When it comes to kicking butt, well, I do what I must,
So you better be careful--I'm armed and dangerous!

All: But wait, we're not through yet,
For the last, we've saved the best,
Our captain and our leader,
Yeah, we can't believe it either,
Please don't judge, he's kind of goofy,
Here he is, Monkey D. Luffy!

(All turn to the ceiling, where a replica of the Going Merry Go is being lowered. Standing proudly on the deck is Luffy.)

Luffy: I was one who was born with the will of D,
Though I'm not entirely sure exactly what that means!
From my youth, I idolized the former pirate king,
And now, for myself, I've got really huge dreams!
I know that I will follow them through until the end,
And I will always, always stand up for my friends!

All: Don't judge us by our looks,
Like the cover of a book,
We are more than what we seem,
Out here chasing our dreams,
On the Grand Line is where we sail,
Through storm, sun, and gale,
One day you will come to see,
Just how strong we can be,
Mistaking us will be your last,
Make no mistake, we'll kick your ass!

Luffy: (Spoken.) I am the man who will become the pirate king!

(The stage darkens. All exit but Zoro, who crosses to center. Spotlight.)

(Number: "Zoro's Lament (Kuina, Why'd You Have To Fall Down the Stairs?)")
Zoro: When I was just a boy,
It seemed like I could do anything;
Everyone looked up to me,
I was like a boy-king.

But they were mistaken in their worship,
There was one thing I could not do,
One simple thing, it should have been a breeze:
But I simply could not... beat you.

Kuina, why'd you have to fall down the stairs?
We made a promise to each other, didn't we?
You kicked my ass every time we fought,
You were always so much stronger than me.

Kuina, why'd you have to fall down the stairs?
Now I'll never get another chance to beat you,
But I'm trying to keep my end of the bargain,
To this day, I'm trying to follow through.

I met a Marine a while back,
Tashigi, I believe was her name;
She looks just like you, Kuina,
Now I can't fight her, I'm so lame.

You could have been the greatest in the world, Kuina,
But instead you took a tumble down the stairs.
What a stupid way for someone like you to die;
Sometimes, the world just isn't fair.

Kuina, why'd you have to fall down the stairs?
We made a promise to each other, didn't we?
Now I'm going to follow through all alone,
Like I know you'd follow through without me.

(With that, Zoro bursts into tears and walks to upstage right, where he takes a seat and continues to sob. More lights come up. Entering from stage left is Nami, followed closely by Sanji.)

(Number: "Sanji's Love Is a Ten-Course Buffet.")
Sanji: Miss Nami, I'd like to make you an offer,
That you simply cannot refuse.

Nami: Try me.

Sanji: Now hear me out fully, wait till I'm done,
I would not want to leave you bemused.

Nami: I'm listening.

Sanji: Now you see, Miss Nami, the truth of it is,
That my love for you is a ten-course buffet;
You could partake of it for all of eternity,
And I'd still have more to give away!

Nami: That's nice.

Sanji: My love is like pheasant under glass,
If you'd only just remove the lid!
Or fine lobster, slow-broiled to perfection,
Simply crack the shell and dig in!

Nami: Is that so.

Sanji: There's nothing half-baked about it,
No rare steak to be seen here today,
Not caviar, not sushi, nothing of the sort,
Clearly, I mean everything I say!

Nami: Of course.

Sanji: So Miss Nami, you must understand,
My love for you is a ten-course buffet!
I invite you to take whatever you like,
That is, all of me--what do you say?

Nami: Well...
You see, the truth of it is, dear Sanji,
Your love may be like a ten-course buffet.

Sanji: Yes? Yes?

Nami: But coincidentally enough,
I'm starting a new diet today!

Sanji: (Deflating.) Ahh...

(They retire upstage as well. Usopp enters, stage left, followed by Chopper, who looks very adorable and excited by something.)

(Number: "The Truth of It Is.")
Usopp: Did I ever tell you about the time,
I fought the Zombie Armies of the West?
I was outnumbered one to one million;
Let me tell you, it was quite a mess!

But I managed to remain calm,
And rationally thought about it,
And I remembered that a zombie's weakness,
Would be a mixture of Jello and turtle spit!

Alas, there were no turtles around;
But fear not, for fortunately,
In anticipation of such a predicament,
I had brought a vial with me!

With speed unknown to normal men,
I whipped the two together like that,
And launched it at the nearest zombie,
Where it hit with a hard splat!

"Take that!" I shouted at the mob,
"You ugly zombies, this is what you get,
When you mess with Captain Usopp,
A name you'll not soon forget!"

It fell into the dirt, writhing and hissing,
And a combination of hearing my name,
And seeing this inevitable outcome,
Caused the rest to turn and ran away!

Chopper: I'm so amazed by what you tell me,
I think you are the coolest,
I know you have tons more stories,
And I'd love to hear the rest!

Usopp: Ah, hearing such words from you,
To lie more would make me less of a man.

Chopper: Lie?

Usopp: Yes, it's true, I lied just now:
The zombies only numbered a thousand!

Chopper: Oh...!

(They join Nami and Sanji upstage, and in the background, it seems the four of them notice Zoro and begin to discuss, in pantomime, the fact that he is still sitting there bawling. Enter Robin, stage right.)

(Number: "The Spoiler Song.")
Robin: I'm tired of being called mysterious,
It's getting very frustrating,
So I'm just going to spill what happens next,
Because I know you're all tired of waiting.

You see, the story about what happened
To that Marine ship when I was eight
Is, as follows--

(Luffy runs on from stage left.)

Luffy: (Waving his arms wildly.) Stop!
Robin: What?
Luffy: You can't tell them that!
Robin: Why not? I was just going to say that I--
Luffy: No! No! You can't say that.
Robin: Well, can I tell them about what happens to--
Luffy: No, you can't say that either!
Robin: What about how--
Luffy: You definitely can't say that one!
Robin: Why not?
Luffy: Spoilers.
Robin: (Exasperated.) You know, the fact that I even join the crew at all could, and probably should, be considered a spoiler. How do you decide what's a spoiler and what's not?
Luffy: I'm the captain. I just decide.
Robin: ... I... know that's not an entirely logical statement, and yet I can't seem to find a way to argue with it. Does this mean I don't get a song?
Luffy: I'm afraid so.
Robin: Ah, well. I suppose I'll just fade into the back and point at Master Swordsman with the others.
Luffy: No need, it's time for the reprise anyway.
Robin: Already?
Luffy: Yeah; we do have time constraints, you know.
Robin: Ah, I suppose that's true.

(The whole stage is fully lit now. Everyone comes downstage.)

(Number: "The Straw Hats (Reprise).")
All: Thank you all for coming here,
To us, your devotion is very dear!
We realize the extreme lack of plot;
The writing isn't given much thought!
We hope that you'll come back,
And give this show another crack,
Sail with us on these seas,
In search of the fabled One Piece!
One Piece!
One Piece!

Usopp: One P--d'oh!

(Curtain.)

Voiceover: You can purchase the original cast recording on Shitty Records, which is under the same management as the Baratie restaurant! Baratie, for all your getting-lost-out-at-sea-nearly-starving-and-randomly-finding-us-so-you-can-eat-again needs!

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A/N: ... This was so incredibly hard to write. OMG. You don't even know. Poetry, lyrics, all of the above... so not my forte. Also, I know zilch about fine dining, all though I did have lobster once (I hate seafood, but it was pretty good). I just wrote the song titles and tried to write a song to go with them (in fact, a large contributing factor to me not chickening out of this entirely was that I really wanted to write a song called, "Kuina, Why'd You Have to Fall Down the Stairs?").

In case you were wondering, I actually did have specific spoilers in mind every time Robin tried to say one, but refrained from even hinting at what they are. Go me?

I think you have had enough of music for now. I know I certainly have.