A/N: My dad's favorite actor is John Wayne. When we got our satellite dish, he got the smallest package available that included the Western Channel. I'm not even kidding.
For my part, I hate westerns. Hate them. I think it is the dumbest non-genre ever invented. I'm ambivalent towards cowboys in theory, but my feelings towards westerns are fairly straightforward. Possibly it's like the children of police officers naturally rebelling against the law. Or... possibly it's just me.
-- Except for Into the West, part three of which I'm watching right this second (my sister and I got a little behind). Hey, it's Sean Astin! I didn't know he'd be putting in an appearance. I love you, Sean Astin! And damn you, Thunder Heart Woman (or, as I like to call her, Thunder Whore Woman--I am, in fact, 12)--you and Jacob were OTP!
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Voiceover: The late 1800s was a time of discovery, a time of adventure, and most of all, a time of danger. Witness one family's struggle to survive the elements all in the name of manifest destiny! This is Little Pirates on the Prairie.
(Cut to the middle of nowhere. Seriously. There's a lot of dirt, and some rocks, and not much else to be seen. There is a house, but it's off-camera so it wouldn't have to be built for the set. Enter Zoro, in Old West attire, scratching his head in confusion.)
Zoro:
Okay, dammit, I really am
lost now. Ow!
(He grabs his ankle
suddenly in pain just as a snake slithers away.) What the
hell! Come back here, you--
Nami:
(Running up. She is in
an old-timey dress, a bonnet hanging off her neck.) Pa!
Pa!
Zoro:
What? I'm not your pa.
Nami:
Pa, Ma's been looking everywhere for you.
Zoro:
Like I said--
Nami:
(She notices he's
holding his ankle.) What's the matter?
Zoro:
Oh, that stupid snake bit me... (He
sinks to the ground.)
Nami:
Oh no! Ma, Ma, come quick! (Luffy
comes running up.)
Luffy:
What's going on?
Nami:
Pa's been bitten by a rattlesnake!
Zoro:
Christ...
Luffy:
Ooh! What are we gonna do?
Nami:
You go fetch Doc, okay, Luffy?
Luffy:
All right! (He dashes
off.)
Nami:
Oh! I don't know how much more hardship we can take. The herd is
dwindling-- (Cut to a
shot of Chopper
on all fours, wearing a cow costume.)
Chopper:
This is wrong on more levels than even I can explain...
Nami:
--and the family down the way got attacked by Indians, and lord knows
Luffy's just not that bright, and now this.
Zoro:
Look, it's just a snake bite, okay?
Nami:
(She wipes away a
tear.) Don't try to be brave for me, Pa! I understand!
Zoro:
Will you quit your scenery-chewing already?
Nami:
(She bursts into
tears.) You're so brave! I wish I could be just like you!
(She collapses against
him, sobbing.) Don't die, Pa, okay? Just don't die! (Robin
walks up then. She is wearing a dress like Nami's,
her bonnet on her head.)
Zoro:
So are you "Ma," then?
Robin:
So it would seem.
Zoro:
They do understand this is all biologically impossible, right?
Robin:
Probably.
Nami:
(She turns to look up
at Robin.)
Ma... I'll try to be strong!
Robin:
(She pats Nami
on the head.) That's very admirable of you. Where's--er.
Your brother?
Nami:
I sent him to get Doc. (Sniff.)
Will Pa be okay, Ma?
Robin:
I'm sure he will be.
Nami:
How can you be so sure?
Robin:
There's always a plot device just around the corner. (Zoro
flops backwards, seemingly out cold.)
Nami:
Oh, no! Pa? Pa! (She
shakes him, bursting into tears all over again.) He's
dead!
Robin:
No, I'm sure he's just passed o... (She
trails off, listening hard. Faintly, Zoro's
snoring can be heard.) ... asleep.
Luffy:
(He wanders over,
chewing on some beef jerky.) What's going on?
Nami:
Luffy! Did you get Doc?
Luffy:
Huh? (He pauses,
thinking. Suddenly, he snaps his fingers.) Oh!
Nami:
You forgot?
Robin:
... Where did you get that from?
Luffy:
I'm not sharing, if that's what you're getting at.
Robin:
... No...
Luffy:
Oh! Well, in that case, that strange itinerant farmhand gave me some.
(He points.)
Sanji:
(He saunters over.)
Yo.
Nami:
Coincidentally enough, we've been looking for a strange itinerant
farmhand to help us get this place back on its feet!
Sanji:
(He kneels before her.)
Miss, dry those tears. Now that I am here, you'll never have reason
to cry again.
Nami:
My pa is dying of a rattlesnake bite.
Sanji:
... Except maybe that.
Robin:
Master strange itinerant farmhand, if you wish to be of help, will
you run into town and find the doctor?
Sanji:
(He jumps to his feet.)
Anything you ask of me, ma'am! (He
dashes off.)
Nami:
Maybe we should move him somewhere more comfortable?
Luffy:
Weren't you paying attention to the stage directions? They didn't
want to build the house, so it exists off-set only.
Nami:
Ah... that's no good, then. They didn't even build a room, or
anything?
Robin:
I doubt it.
Nami:
(She bangs her hand on
Zoro's
chest to emphasize each point.) What the hell (smack).
My pa is dying (smack)
of a rattlesnake bite (smack)
and they can't even be bothered (smack)
to give him a bed on which to lie (smack).
Robin:
Ah--I don't think you should do that.
Luffy:
I didn't know Zoro was your dad, Nami!
Nami:
He's your dad too!
Luffy:
I didn't know that! Ace'll want to hear about this.
Robin:
I don't think Ace is a part of this family.
Luffy:
(Threateningly.)
What are you saying?
Zoro:
Hey, pipe down, will you?
Nami:
Pa? (But he is already
asleep again. She looks up, and suddenly gasps in shock, one hand
covering her mouth and the other pointing. Cut to Usopp,
dressed from head to toe like a stereotypical Old West Injun.)
Usopp:
How.
Nami:
Indians!
Robin:
There's only one.
Usopp:
Not true. Me have heap big tribe waiting just around corner. We beat
crap out of you if you try anything.
Nami:
Oh no! They're gonna scalp us!
Luffy:
COOL!
Nami:
That's the opposite of cool!
Robin:
You're bluffing, aren't you?
Usopp:
(Sweating.)
Oh no! Squaw figured out plan! Me in heap big trouble!
Robin:
See?
Usopp:
Oh no! Me have heap big mouth!
Robin:
Don't worry, Master Indian; we won't hurt you.
Usopp:
Why should me believe? White man speak with forked tongue.
Sanji:
(He appears behind
Usopp
suddenly, nailing him in the back of the head with a kick.)
Don't talk about a lady's tongue like that, you shitty savage.
Nami:
(She perks up.)
Strange itinerant farmhand! Did you bring Doc?
Sanji:
Of course! I went as quickly as I could, all for your sake! (He
takes Robin's
and Nami's
hands and goes to plant kisses on both of them. Nami
pulls hers out of the way too quickly, though.)
Nami:
Doc! (She runs to
Chopper.)
Uh--you still have-- (She
motions to her head.)
Chopper:
Huh? Oh! (He pulls the
cow ears off his head and tosses them aside.) Where's the
patient?
Nami:
(She motions to Zoro's
sleeping form.) Pa was bitten by a rattlesnake!
Chopper:
Oh no! I'm too late! He's dead already! Oh no! (He
frantically runs around in a circle.)
Robin:
Actually... Master Doctor... calm down. He's just asleep.
Chopper:
What? (He stops.)
Oh! It's true! (He
crouches down and begins taking Zoro's
vitals.) Oh, well! He just needs some sleep, and he'll be
fine.
Nami:
... Sleeping cures a rattlesnake bite?
Chopper:
When it's Zo--I mean, your pa.
Luffy:
(He's been standing
there eating his beef jerky the whole time. I didn't forget about
him. Shut up.) Hey, who ate all my beef jerky?
Sanji:
You did.
Luffy:
What? Oh! So I did. Give me some more.
Sanji:
Not if you're gonna--
Nami:
Ooh, could I have some too?
Sanji:
Of course! Anything for you! Would you like anything else? Perhaps
some soup, or a lobster?
Robin:
Where would you get a lobster around here...?
Nami:
Maybe a glass of water for my pa...? (She
bats her eyelashes coyly.)
Sanji:
Yes! Right away! (He
dashes off.)
Nami:
I like having a strange itinerant farmhand around.
Luffy:
Where's my beef jerky?
Usopp:
Um... how?
Chopper:
Aah! An Indian!
Usopp:
Me just now getting noticed?
Nami:
Well, we've got a lot on our minds. My pa's been bitten by a
rattlesnake.
Usopp:
Me heap big trying to care.
Nami:
Well excuse me!
Usopp:
Sorry, sorry. Here. Let me have look. (He
squats down by Zoro
and looks at his ankle, then bends down and begins to suck out the
poison and spit it out. Slashers
everywhere go wild.)
Nami:
(To Chopper.)
Why didn't you try that?
Chopper:
Do you really have to ask?
Robin:
Ah, well, that's a creative solution.
Usopp:
(He finishes and sits
up.) Me heap big grossed out.
Zoro:
How the hell do you think I feel?
Nami:
Pa! (She hugs him. He
yawns. She turns around to face Usopp.)
I misjudged you... what's your name?
Usopp:
Chief Lying Armadillo.
Robin:
Armadillo...?
Usopp:
(Getting to his feet.)
Okay, me tell heap big lie again. Me not chief.
Luffy:
Where's my beef jerky?
Nami:
(She gets up and walks
to Usopp.)
Thank you for saving my pa. I was wrong about you, and about Indians.
Usopp:
Me heap big forgiving of you.
Nami:
Oh, Lying Armadillo! No one will understand our love!
Usopp:
Wait, lo--oh. Me get it!
Nami:
With all these barriers to overcome--language, and race...
Usopp:
Me heap big don't care about barriers! (They
embrace.)
Sanji:
(Running up.)
I hope you don't mind that it took me so long, I decided to make you
a full three course me--whaaat?
(He drops to the ground
in tears.) Why. Why do you always have to do this to me.
Usopp:
Me heap big gonna get my ass kicked, huh? (A
tumbleweed rolls by.)
Voiceover: Next time, on Little Pirates on the Prairie: a love triangle develops between Lying Armadillo, the strange itinerant farmhand, and the daughter of the farm. Another love triangle develops between the strange itinerant farmhand, the son of the farm, and beef jerkey. Still another love triangle develops between Pa, Doc, and Lying Armadillo, but probably not in the way you're thinking. And a few more love triangles, until this whole thing is just one heap big muddled love polygon. Don't miss it!
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A/N: I'm going to talk about the most under-appreciated member of the crew for a minute. (Not my favorite (guess who is! I'll be surprised if I haven't been as obvious about it as I think I have), but that's not necessarily saying all that much because I love them all so much.)
Usopp's Indian name comes from a Q&A with Oda in which he states that Usopp most resembles an armadillo (in case you wondered, the rest are as follows: Luffy, monkey (deh); Zoro, shark; Nami, cat; Sanji, duck; and Chopper, wait for it... reindeer! No word on Robin).
I never see anybody cut Usopp slack in the romance department, except the occasional accidental finds of Usopp/Sanji that I referenced in the Miss Independence Day chapter. I never even see people write Usopp/Kaya! (Is it the nose? IS IT? Or are you all too busy writing your Zoro/Luffy and your Zoro/Sanji and your Zoro/Nami and your Zoro/Anything That Moves and your Zoro/Some Things That Don't?) So I decided to give at least Indian!Usopp a chance.
Tongue in cheek, folks. Tongue in cheek. Now go listen to Coheed and Cambria and GET OUT OF MY FACE. ♥♥♥!