"...The price of getting what you want,
is getting what once you wanted."
- Neil Gaiman's Dream Country
Chapter Four: FalconRyuhoji noticed Sesshoumaru's approach before Rin. He stopped in his music lesson, pulling the flute from her small hands and stood. The demon held the flute in his fist like a sword, turning it over and stepping in front of Rin to block her from Sesshoumaru's path. Rin rose to her feet, frowning at him before turning and gasping. Sesshoumaru seemed to notice Ryuhoji then. He pushed his hand to one side, making a motion with two fingers as if he meant to call upon his whip. The Dog demon's eyes were darkened in a way that strongly invoked Four Creeks in Rin's small mind, making the girl yelp and duck closer behind Ryuhoji.
It was like she didn't exist at all, Sesshoumaru's full attention rested on Ryuhoji. He looked ready to use his whip at any time. Perhaps Rin was the only reason he hadn't.
Ryuhoji rolled his shoulders back and steadied himself. "Well met, Sesshoumaru Lord. I am Ryuhoji."
"You are not." Sesshoumaru's still voice was deep with anger. "What are you?"
"I am Ryuhoji." He returned; he inclined his head slightly. "In a manner."
"Which manner? Are you an incarnation of Kannon, or some afterthought left by her powers?"
Ryuhoji seemed to smirk. "What makes you think you did not summon me, Taiyoukai? In this forest, many desires and dreams are given form…if the Dreamer is strong enough."
"What do you want? Why have you come?"
"Those are questions I should be asking you." Ryuhoji whispered softly. He raised his head. "You are correct. I am not your Ryuhoji. Consider me a mirror."
Sesshoumaru seemed to flinch at that, making Rin stir. His mind traveled for a moment to the prison of Zen's mirror. It had not been his true prison, but it had been the gateway to it. Sesshoumaru inhaled, biting down the memories of the pain he felt, the weakness, the dying. He flicked his wrist again, causing his claws to glow angrily. "Do not toy with me, Shade."
"You misunderstand my intentions." The vision-Ryuhoji demurred. "You have come to Kannon in search of what you have lost. Because this vessel was someone who, for however small a time, held your heart..."
"You lie to yourself."
"...it is the image invoked." The demon continued undeterred by Sesshoumaru's tirade. Ryuhoji reached over and put his hand on Rin's head. He smiled idly as he stroked her hair. "Our lady is great." He said thoughtfully, "Much is under her care. I am to aid you on your path to discover what you seek from Lady Kannon."
"I seek nothing from Kannon."
"Yet you linger in her domain, but refuse her comforts? You hide from memories of humanity but do not surrender them. You pine for what you have lost but refuse to name it." Ryuhoji's eyes were sharp, and he jerked his attention back to Sesshoumaru.
There was coldness in his eyes. It made this vision of Ryuhoji, however similar, terribly different. Sesshoumaru looked away first, fighting down the unfamiliar pains that swelled inside of him. Was this grief that took his senses and held his tongue now? Anger?
Regret?
"Stand up straight, little one. Do this for me."
Ryuhoji nodded, and inhaled: bracing himself for the pain to come. But with resolve and eagerness to please, the Youkai hoisted himself to his full length despite having Nori's arm still wrapped around him. Sesshoumaru could see the bone in his wound, and for a moment, he flinched. But he was right: they were the same height.
So when Sesshoumaru swung his sword up and attacked; he aimed for Ryuhoji's heart. Going through Ryuhoji's broken body was like piercing cloth, it took almost no pressure at all, but Sesshoumaru keep driving the sword until the hilt slammed into Ryuhoji's chest. He never made a sound, but Nori screamed in pain and slumped down bringing Ryuhoji and Sesshoumaru down with him.
Ryuhoji's eyes were opened when he died and remained set on Sesshoumaru. They only turned away when Sesshoumaru yanked his sword from both bodies to return it to the scabbard and then, the poet's eyes faced heaven.
No. Sesshoumaru still did not regret killing Ryuhoji that day, though he may be damned for it. He had a goal, and nothing, not Ryuhoji nor his own childish devotion to the young one would have stopped him from gaining what he sought. He did not regret sacrificing Ryuhoji to defeat Nori.
Then what? What did he regret?
Sesshoumaru began panicking as the fire began to eat away at the oxygen. He pushed himself up, pushing his arm up against his face in attempt to shield himself from the flames. The pain inside his body was growing, squeezing around his heart. The pounding heart echoed through his ears, blinding him and blocking out thought and anything beyond the instinct to survive.
In that moment, he would have given anything to revert to his true form, even Rin's life.
"This is not you, Sesshoumaru." Tama continued softly. His voice was devoid of hate or anger. There was only the smallest hint of sadness and regret. "This is some…lingering pain, left by past wounds that has clouded your judgment. But do not worry…I will make you remember before we are done."
Sesshoumaru's eyes found Rin. He stared at the child for a long time as if he had never seen her before in his life. She was a weak little thing, he realized as he stared at her, past her. She was a small thing. Something like the phantom pain in his arm: when she was there, she possessed all his attention and when she was gone, he was better for it.
He could fight without restraint if she were gone, he heard himself thinking. He would have no weakness, no equal again. He could have Tama's loyalty again, and perhaps they- together- could claim Tessaiga, could make Naraku pay for all the dishonor he had afforded Sesshoumaru. It was a sweet thought to be sure. Revenge. He could avenge every wrong, and be better for it.
Better for it.
A life without Rin…
Sesshoumaru inhaled and shook his head, refusing to continue down that path. Those were dangerous thoughts. Dark thoughts.
The Ryuhoji-shade continued to watch him. There was a smile dancing across the shadow's lips.
"There is nothing our Lady would deny the great Sesshoumaru." He told him. He turned again and smiled down at Rin. "And the price would hardly be considered one." He stroked Rin's hair, "This vessel of bone and meat."
"Silence!" Sesshoumaru growled. Though he felt none of the confidence he spoke with. He found that, once birthed, he could not dismiss the idea. He longed to have Tama at his side again, to feel strong once again. He wanted it back. Desperately. No matter the cost. "I am not one to cajoled with boons and gifts." Drawing on his anger, Sesshoumaru cracked his knuckles and arched the fingers. "I do not pine. I am Sesshoumaru."
"And who is Sesshoumaru?"
"I am Lord of the Western Lands. That is enough."
Ryuhoji seemed to laugh again. "Tama was right. You forget yourself. You seek to be something you're not, seek to betray your very nature. Sesshoumaru, who desires nothing, desires to be like his half-breed brother I think."
"Mind your tongue or I will take it from you."
"Does Sesshoumaru now threaten like a common demon?"
"I advise caution."
"Sesshoumaru who feels no pity, nor remorse." Ryuhoji continued, amused. "Sesshoumaru who received a useless sword from his father, and now treasures it above all. Sesshoumaru who has become a lapdog for humans and forgotten his own path." Sesshoumaru made a move, then as if to fight. Ryuhoji's face kept him in his place. "How long, old one?" Ryuhoji asked as he withdrew his hand from Rin's head. "How long does Sesshoumaru called Hunger think to deny his nature?"
Sesshoumaru turned wordlessly then and walked towards the Court. He had no desire to stay here with the ghosts of past conquests whispering his betrayals in his ear. The ghost was right. He had lost his path. He had forgotten himself and attempted to assume a persona he was not. Tama had been right, and he had been too foolish to see it.
He heard Ryuhoji's voice on the wind as he walked away and it caused him to shiver.
"And how long does the Hunger think to continue this farce?"
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He returned to the Courtyard with every intention of finding Jaken, Ah-Un and Kannon. He would bid the God farewell, send Jaken to kidnap Rin and be done of this place and its dark thoughts. Perhaps he would be rid of Rin at the next village, perhaps the girl would work through her issues and remain. Sesshoumaru was tired of caring. The girl was merely human after all, and since did he, Sesshoumaru, care of such trivial things. He was tired of such guilt.
The courtyard was emptied by the time he returned. Evening had begun to purple the sky, and draw the servants inside. There was only a few hands out and about, lighting lanterns and setting out clothes to dry or tending to the stables. Sesshoumaru inhaled, and reached for the first servant in reach. He would send her to fetch Jaken. Then, he would shut himself away in his room and refuse to think of Rin until he was gone from this place.
The woman yelped as she turned to face Sesshoumaru and when he saw her face, his great plans fled. It was the maid who had attended him earlier.
Her pretty face was flushed from the evening's chores, and her robes dirtied from the yard work. She was panting from either surprise or exertion, and her hair fell wild around her round face. She still had the flower in her hair.
Her hands shook as she stepped away and went about trying to make herself more presentable. She tucked the various locks of wild hair behind her ear and rubbed her face with her sleeve. She reeked of sweat, causing Sesshoumaru to release her.
Her humanity repulsed him but the look of utter fear and awe in her eyes held his attention. He made it a point to linger painfully close to her, watching her shiver- with terror or excitement, or both he did not care. Sesshoumaru drew his hand through her hair, watched as she trembled and her skin tensed under his. She was human. Grave dirt. She was like that woman who had crept into his father's mind and poisoned the great Dog Youkai. She was like that miko who impaled his brother to a tree, or the one in strange garb who kept company with him now. They were all the same. They were all small, useless pathetic creatures.
She was like Rin.
And if he chose to, right now. He could hurt her or kill her. She was less then dirt, but she was something that breathed, lived, and feared. And at this moment, she feared him. She repulsed him. But he controlled her. If only for one moment in time. This was power. A cheap, glimmer of what he truly sought but it was power.
And he was damned if he didn't find that he had missed it.
"My Lord, tell me what you need." She spoke. He was struck again by how familiar she felt against him. He felt like she belonged by his side. The maid's eyes, empty and dark like all humans though they were, ran over his expression and she frowned. She was terrified, he could smell it on her, yet she was still concerned.
About him.
Sesshoumaru thought for a moment about releasing her. He could tell her to get Rin and Jaken, and have Ah-Un waiting for him. He thought about dismissing her right then and doing it himself and rid himself of the thoughts that were eating away at him. He could rid himself of his father's sickness right now. He could simply release the woman and be about his way. He could end this all right now by simply ignoring her and her doleful eyes.
Like he should done that day long ago when he saw the corpse that had been ravaged by wolves…
But, like he did then, Sesshoumaru continued to hold her gaze.
He released her and turned in the direction of his rooms. She followed him. Sesshoumaru inhaled but did not look back. Maybe if he ignored her she would go away. It was a foolish notion, somehow Sesshoumaru knew. It hadn't worked with Rin. Rin.
He surrendered so much because of that child. He was forgetting who he really was. He was forgetting he had once murdered someone he claimed to love to complete his goal. He was forgetting that he had once surrendered everything to claim his father's sword- even his arm.
He stepped inside his bedroom and waited. The maid stood just inside the bedroom, watching him intently.
Now, what? Why he could not surrender a small child? What made her so different? So special? Why didn't he feel in control anymore? Why didn't he feel like his old self again?
The answer was the same. He turned around, and looked at the maid.
It was because she was Rin.
He just wanted to feel. Something. Anything.
The maid's soft eyes were watching him with the same look of fear, compassion and awe she always held. She wanted so much to help him.
Sesshoumaru inhaled, and began to undo his sash. "Close the door." He told her.