A/N: meethzoonk, I know you were first and all, but your request turned out to be tricksier than I thought XD
Also, Zoro as the Thing probably should have been green. That honestly did not even occur to me. Ah, well...
Anyway: I have a confession to make, Namibean: I'd never even heard of the Shinsengumi before. I'm not a samurai authority, all though dammit, I ought to be! However, thank you for bringing them to my attention, because now I'm smarter than I was yesterday! Assuming that this new knowledge didn't just, you know, push out old knowledge... ah, why would it have to? There's plenty of room in my head!
Anyway, thanks to Wikipedia, my precioussss. I really did enjoy reading about them, because I am, in truth, a Giant Dork.
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Voiceover: It is a dark time in Japan's history. Lawless samurai roam the lands, striking fear into the hearts of the populace. The ruling shogunate decides to call in their enforcers. They are... the Shinsengumi.
(Luffy is standing in front of the other six crew members, who are sitting on the ground. They are in a room that looks very 19th century Japan. All seven of them are dressed in light blue, black, and white kimonos, etc.)
Luffy:
Gentlemen, welcome to Shinsengumi. The first rule of Shinsengumi
is... you do not talk about Shinsengumi. The second rule of
Shinsengumi is... you do
not talk about Shinsengumi!
Zoro:
(Standing up.)
Okay, this is stupid already. Mind if I take over?
Luffy:
But I'm the captain!
Zoro:
And I'm "Mr. Bushido"! If that doesn't show I know more
about the samurai code than you, I don't know what does.
Luffy:
Valid. (He sits in
Zoro's
spot.)
Zoro:
(He stands where Luffy
was standing and clears his throat.) Okay. The first rule
of the Shinsengumi is--
Others:
You do not talk about Shinsengumi!
Zoro:
No, no. Listen. First, no deviating from the samurai code of honor.
(Usopp
raises his hand.) Uh... yeah?
Usopp:
My dog ate my code of honor.
Zoro:
Bushido is an unwritten code...
Usopp:
Are you calling me a liar?
Zoro:
Would it be the first time? (Usopp
can't think of a good response to that.) Second, no
leaving the Shinsengumi. It's like... the Supreme Court, or the
papacy.
Sanji:
You can retire from either of those.
Zoro:
My point still stands.
Sanji:
No it doesn't!
Zoro:
The third rule is no raising money privately. (Nami
stands up abruptly and walks to the door.) Where are you
going?
Nami:
Screw that noise! I'm outta here.
Zoro:
But the second rule says you're not allowed to leave.
Nami:
Watch me. (Zoro
moves to block the doorway. She sighs, then reluctantly returns to
her seat, plotting her escape for when he's not looking.)
Zoro:
Fourth rule: no taking part in other's litigation.
Usopp:
Oh. Sorry, Luffy.
Luffy:
Oh, no, it's okay, I understand.
Zoro:
Fifth: no engaging in private fights.
Sanji:
What good is a fight if you do it in private, anyway?
Zoro:
No, it doesn't necessarily mean where
the fight is. It means no fighting that isn't for the good of the
shogunate.
Sanji:
So... me kicking your ass is still okay.
Zoro:
(He rolls his eyes and
go on.) In addition, if a leader--that would be me--is
mortally wounded in a fight, all of you have to fight and die right
there.
Sanji:
Like hell!
Zoro:
And no retrieving of the bodies in mortal combat, except for the
corpse of the leader, which is me.
Sanji:
Did you write this shit yourself?
Zoro:
No--
Sanji:
Well, here, I'll make you a corpse, and then we can retrieve you,
okay?
Zoro:
(Ignoring him.)
If you break any of these rules, the penalty is... seppuku. (Stunned
silence.)
Usopp:
No... not that! Anything but that! ... What's seppuku?
Zoro:
Ritualistic suicide.
Usopp:
AAH! Not that!
Zoro:
By disembowelment.
Usopp:
AAH! NO! I won't talk about Shinsengumi, I swear!
Zoro:
As long as you follow the rules, there should be no trouble, right?
Usopp:
You know, I committed seppuku once.
Sanji: You didn't even know what it was until a minute ago! And you were terrified of it!
Chopper:
I hear people often die of seppuku!
Nami:
That's kind of the point, I think.
Zoro:
You also have to commit seppuku if you are injured in a fight with a
stranger and you can't kill them.
Sanji:
Why don't we just all commit seppuku right here? It would cut out the
middle man. Plus it would all be very Heaven's Gate.
Usopp:
I went through Heaven's Gate once!
Chopper:
Really? ...
Wait a minute. Why am I impressed? I was there!
Sanji:
Not that
Heaven's Gate...
Nami:
And wouldn't Jonestown be a better metaphor anyway?
Sanji:
Do you think?
Nami:
Well, this would simply be following the ravings of a demented
control-freak rather than thinking we're going to be taken onto a
spaceship to our home planet after we kill ourselves.
Sanji:
Ah... you make an excellent point. Jonestown it is, then.
Luffy:
Ooh, I wanna go on a spaceship!
Nami:
No dice; we've already done
that one.
Zoro:
(He coughs. The others
fall silent and give him their attention.) That sounded a
bit like engaging in private fights.
Sanji:
What? Nobody got their ass kicked.
Zoro:
The laws of the Shinsengumi are vague and subject to my
interpretation. Why do you think they amend the hell out of the
Constitution?
Sanji:
Whatever; we're not
committing seppuku just because you say so.
Luffy:
Yeah! We don't even have any frisbees around.
Zoro:
... You don't commit seppuku with a frisbee.
Luffy:
What? Yes you do! First you fold it in half--
Zoro:
You don't commit
seppuku with a frisbee!
Robin:
(Speaking up suddenly.)
There's one thing that's been bothering me this whole time.
Nami:
Only one
thing...?
Robin:
You see... Master Swordsman has had more lines in this one episode
than he has in all others combined, or so it would seem. Doesn't that
strike you as a bit odd?
Usopp:
Actually... that kind of struck me as one of the least
odd things to happen for a while.
Robin:
(She gets to her feet.)
Well, it shouldn't have... because that is not Master Swordsman. (She
points at Zoro.)
Isn't that right, Mr.
2 Bon Clay?
Zoro:
(He touches his left
cheek with his hand and does, in fact, turn into Mr.
2.)
Oh! You figured me out! You're too smart for me, Miss All-Sunday!
Robin:
You gave yourself away, Mr. 2. You see... you shouldn't have worn
your swan shoes. (She
points. The others look.)
Chopper:
Oh! It's true!
Usopp:
... How is it possible that we didn't notice those before?
Luffy:
Ah! So you did
do it! In the library! With the candlestick! I've solved
the mystery!
Nami:
Luffy, that was like... ten episodes ago.
Sanji:
I can't even begin to think of one reason why you would be here other
than to carry on the running joke about Zoro's lack of lines.
Mr.
2: Do I need a reason to visit with my friends?
Sanji:
Yeah.
Mr.
2: Cruel! You're so cruel, Mr. Prince! Cruel! And after
what I did for you using my Mane Mane power! (Sanji
blanches.)
Nami:
Huh? What did he do?
Sanji:
Uh, n-nothing, Miss Nami! Nothing at all!
Mr.
2: Nothing?
(He touches his right
cheek with his hand and turns into Nami.)
Oh, Mr. Prince!
Sanji:
(Gesturing
frantically.) Ix-nay on the--
Nami:
(Rightfully incensed.)
Why you--! (Sanji
ducks, but Nami
still manages to knock him flat with a blow to the head.)
Sanji:
Mellorine...
Mr.
2: Oh, dear!
Nami:
Stop looking like me!
Robin:
(Interrupting.)
Ah... isn't anyone concerned about the whereabouts of the real
Master Swordsman?
Sanji:
(He sits up, rubbing
his head, and lights a cigarette.) No way; that shitty
Marimo can take care of himself.
Nami:
Honestly. He probably just got lost somewhere. If he weren't so
freakishly strong, he would not have survived this long.
Chopper:
Isn't that cigarette an anachronism?
Usopp:
Considering that it's machine-manufactured and brand name... I'd say
most definitely.
Chopper:
(He sighs, shaking his
head sadly.) Where have all the fact-checkers gone?
Luffy:
(He flops over
backwards.) I'm hungry!
Usopp:
Eat a frisbee, then.
Luffy:
I thought we were off the seppuku hook?
Usopp:
Are any of us ever truly off the seppuku hook?
Luffy:
That was deep.
Usopp:
I try.
Voiceover: Next time... Luffy's apartment explodes. Mr. 2 sells some soap, and also is--ah! No spoiling it for everyone. Usopp waxes philosophical. There are at least thirty more mentions of seppuku. Zoro is nowhere to be seen. If you miss it, you better have a frisbee on hand, buddy!
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A/N: Okay. Before you condemn me to hell, the frisbee seppuku joke isn't even mine; it's from realultimatepower dot net, which is totally the ultimate authority on ninjas! Not really. But... they do teach you how to commit seppuku with a frisbee (it's where I learned how to commit seppuku with a frisbee, anyway). So. There's that.
Rule #4 seemed really random to me, which is why I included that brief exchange between Usopp and Luffy, because that's how I'd react ("What? No taking part in other's litigation? Darn. Can't help you out after all, Bob. Sorry!"), but of course I'm sure there was a reason for it. (Lawyers make bad warriors? I dunno.)
The allegations Mr. 2 makes at Sanji... well. It would be funny and terribly, terribly wrong if they were true. (One of my One Piece OTPs--shut up, I know it defeats the purpose of the OTP to have more than one--is Sanji/Nami!Mr. 2.) So, no, what he was alluding to, as far as canon is concerned, never actually happened... or did it?
I've never seen Fight Club, but I did have the ending spoiled for me. I have tried to avoid doing so for you here.
... Dressy Bessy! Especially "Jenny Come On," the fluffiest bounciest song ever.