Regularity
Kesshou Uryou

I didn't realize it the first time. I didn't realize it the second time. In fact, it wasn't even an it in the first place. It was a her. But I didn't see what was right there separated by what could only be defined as such a short distance. Maybe I didn't want to see it. I can't determine that. I don't want to, and I can't remember it clearly enough to make any conclusion. But I do remember many things, too many irrelevant things in retrospect. I remember well the waning sun and the dying summer vacation.

And I just had to get away. The only thing left on my mind was getting out of there. If I could do that, then everything would be all right. There was nothing to fear. There was no death-marked person awaiting fate to take its course upon. I was not going to be affected in anyway by anything of the sorts.

Only I was. And that was just something I knew I couldn't lie to myself about. This was reality, but I just kept on running regardless of all the facts flaunted in my dubious face. This couldn't be happening, but I knew it was. Everyone knew it too. They saw me continually avoiding the subject, refusing to talk about it, being careful not to make contact with the one with only so long left to live. They watched each other shake their heads sadly and hopelessly, and I saw it too. We all knew I had brought out a shell that wasn't going to be broken that easily. I couldn't be touched that simply. I was going to drift away as we all watched.

We all knew the ends I'd travel to maintain my personal and constant…

disbelief.
chapter one

- - - - -

Such a stubborn child.

I knew I was. I probably still am, but I didn't need to be told that. I didn't need to hear that behind my back when they pretended I couldn't hear. But we all understood that I was perfectly able enough to listen in anyway and we all grasped what they were saying.

It'd be best to break that habit. Now.

But they couldn't. And they saw through that little perfect solution quickly, finding every last one of those holes where imaginary water would flow through, sinking the plan down to where it would never be thought about again. They turned their attention to other methods, adeptly adjusting to each new scenario that presented itself, but it was all for naught.

They couldn't change who I was. Li Syaoran didn't give himself up to those who commanded it. I was determined and consistent to the very core. I couldn't be swayed, and I grew up with more whispers and more discouraging comments than I possibly should have had. With hung heads as responses and disheartening eyes to gaze back into, I had not grown up in the way I had been desired to do so.

So it was not approved of when I just crumbled. When I couldn't take it anymore, I fled literally from the source of all the problems. My mother's foreboding and inevitable death was upon us, and I was just running away. From my future and a frail mother who had always looked so strong before. Now her death signaled me having to step up to what I had never wanted. To be the clan head was just another one of the very important things I was distancing myself from. If no one else would do it for me, I would just have to do it myself. Never mind the condemning words from passionate lips.

Out the door I had went, past the raised voices in mingled concern and rage. It was a walk to numb the senses and relieve the stress. To make the situation so much more dreamlike, that was the desired effect. Whether it was succeeding or failing, I continued and never stopped the routine. Day after day I walked, starting off by moving past my mother's bedroom silently and without glancing back. I hadn't the courage to look once for fear that I'd never be able to move on, and I'd be ensnared right then and there. Then they're be no more of my running because I wouldn't be able to look away. So I just looked straight ahead and kept going on.

Never rest and keep moving ahead. That had been my philosophy that would get me through everything. So I always walked the same path afterwards through the small town past the same landmarks. I didn't care what was happening or why I did it. I just needed to. I had to get away. No other words could explain it.

I didn't know I was walking toward something that was going to open my eyes. And if I had known, I would have turned back. Back then, something to make me turn back around like a lost child into the arms of a widowed and dying mother had to be something I truly wished to avoid. How ironic that my running had lead me to a solution that I had never wanted to acknowledge. Because that answer made me face just what I was running from the entire time. But now, I think I can safely say that it was for the better. To face what I had to face. What we all knew I had to do it for all of our sakes. It may not have been possible if not for those same repetitive walks establishing a life of seeming regularity. She'd never died if I kept this up. If I kept everything unchanging.

Still, on one day of which I can not pinpoint in time, the walk had been just a little different. Never slowing down, I had stared up at that house. The action held no significance back then, but it was the day the resolution of my current life events started to begin, weaving through me and bringing even more dilemma in the process. And I had seen that girl who was staring out a window. Forlorn and lost and looking so reclusive, I couldn't help but think if that was how I looked like too.

If I think back, I can pretty well support my assumption that I was already well past that house by the time I realized the true first problem. I recall spotting an old and misshapen tree on the side of the road at that point. I know for a fact that that is well past the location of that certain house. It looked like more than several people had rested their exhausted feet by sitting upon the low, thick branch. The result was a twisted poor tree that looked like it was ancient after it had received so many visitors.

But more importantly to the current topic, I honestly had no idea how I was going to find this family in the first place.

I'd have to call home again to see if any of my sisters could recall the surname. I knew I wasn't going to get much of anywhere without that much at the very least. It would have been incredibly easier if only my father had only known whom she was talking about in the first place. Truly, these must have been some very old friends for him to not know them too. On the other hand, he was often busy, as was she. Some topics of conversation could have very well been missed along the line.

In some far recess of my mind I had probably already known that I didn't know where to begin or if I'd ever find this family when I flown over. Still, for some reason I did it, probably since it was something spontaneous I decided at the last moment. My mother would have been proud, rest assured.

I did finally arrive upon the location that I had been made aware of just that morning by chance. I had politely (as was my nature especially in my teachings from growing up) asked a random passerby where college students around here hung out. If my memory served well, my mother had said there was someone of my age in the family. I believe she had said she went to college in town so she needn't worry about missing her when and if we flew over. That really was my only lead at that point so I went with it.

Well, it did seem like a good idea at the time, but I would be sorely disappointed in thinking I could ever identify who was who in the crowd. I perhaps already knew that too subconsciously, but I had been willing to try, and I admit I was curious to see where college students hung out. I walked into the building, giving it a once over before walking into it. It was modern, cozy, and it seemed like an ordinary place. It was just a random longue, and I could tell that this would be the perfect place to get work done after classes if not for one fact. It was extremely noise.

Don't get me wrong. If you came in after it closed, it could probably fool you. The stable and polished oak tables off to the side of the room were running along the vast and broad windows that displayed the sleepy little town outside. They let in bright and cheery sunshine during the day. They most likely brought in cool, peaceful moonlight at night. A counter was set up in a small corner, offering cafe like drinks for those who desired them for a nice and fairly reasonable price.

Yes, it certainly seemed like the perfect place to relax and just spend a peaceful, quiet afternoon. Well, it could have been quite true if you were deaf or if it were possible to turn down the volume once you entered so simply like a TV was capable. It really was a shame. I did like my quiet moments. I wouldn't be attempting to enjoy them here. That much I knew for sure.

So, I sat down by myself in a corner, trying to drown out multiple voices in the crowded area. I briefly scanned the crowd. They all really looked to be of my age. In appearance, you would classify them all as college students. That was definitely a problem. To me there were all the same. How could I ever identify one from another without going up to each and asking who they were? I didn't even have the surname yet. Out of two things I'd like to now mention, that was one. So the second, yes, was that I was getting a headache. I left shortly after.

Much shorter, but I believe it'smuch better at the same time. The plot has some stability now. Chapter two will come along eventually. Looks like this will turn out to be a short story too. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong.