A/N: I realized the last couple of chapters (including this one) have been pretty short, so I'm going to do my best to make the next one a bit longer.

Also, okay, this wasn't a request, but I just saw the film in question on Thursday, and... GOSH. I've always been a fan of Roald Dahl's, and this film TRULY does his work justice. It deserves any and all praise it gets.

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Voiceover: Five golden tickets. Five lucky kids. One of them could win it all... it's Chopper and the Chocolate Factory!

(Cut to the front of the Wonka Chocolate Factory. Luffy, Usopp, Chopper, Nami, and Robin are standing in front. Luffy munches on a chocolate bar; Robin snaps noisily on her gum.)

Luffy: This isn't as good as steak.
Nami: We're not at a steak factory. Don't complain.
Luffy: Who said I was complaining? (He takes another bite.)
Usopp: (To Robin.) Do you have to keep snapping your gum like that?
Robin: Look. The door is opening. (Sure enough, the door opens, and out comes Sanji, dressed nattily in a long coat and top hat.)
Chopper: Hey, isn't that my hat?
Luffy: You aren't supposed to be concerned with material possessions, you know.
Chopper: Hey! If someone took your hat without your permission, you'd kick their ass. (Luffy shrugs, and takes another bite of his chocolate bar.)
Sanji: Ah! Welcome, welcome! I'm so glad to see you here! (He walks straight to Nami and Robin.) Well, then, shall we go in?
Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper: Hey.
Sanji: Huh? (He looks at them.) Oh... you guys are coming too?
Chopper: This episode is called Chopper and the Chocolate Factory. I'd hope that was a given.
Usopp: You won't win at that rate.
Chopper: I don't care if I win or not...!
Usopp: That's better.
Chopper: ... What's the prize?
Usopp: That shouldn't matter!
Chopper: I just wondered!
Sanji: Helloo? You say you want to go in, and then you just stand around chatting like it's no big deal! (They start walking inside, Nami and Robin on either side of Sanji; Usopp, Luffy, and Chopper trailing behind.) So. Tell me all about yourselves.
Nami: I'm Nami Salt. My dad made all his workers unwrap chocolate day and night so I could find my Golden Ticket.
Sanji: Ah! How adorable! The world at your beck and call, as it should be. And you?
Robin: (She blows another large bubble. Usopp winces.) I'm Robin Beauregarde. I'm a winner.
Sanji: Then that explains how you've won my heart.
Usopp: Oh, I'm Usopp Teavee--
Sanji: Did anybody ask you? (Usopp falls silent, looking very disgruntled. They enter the main chocolate room then. Inside, there are bunch of tiny Zoros running around.)
Luffy: Ooh! A chocolate waterfall! Hey, mister, where's all your steak?
Sanji: This is a chocolate factory.
Luffy: Is it here? Or here? Or here? (He starts looking under, around, behind, above, etc., all the objects in the room.)
All: THERE'S NO STEAK!
Luffy: Then why am I here?
Sanji: I couldn't tell you. (He "discreetly" kicks Luffy into the chocolate river.) Oh! You should all learn a lesson from this, children. Gluttony is bad!
Usopp: You kicked him in!
Sanji: That's right. It pisses me off, and I kick you in a chocolate river. You wanna be next? (Usopp shakes his head. The Zoros gather.)
Zoros: (Singing.) Luffy Gloop! Luffy Gloop!
The great big greedy nincompoop!
Nami: Oh! They sing! What are they?
Sanji: I'm glad you asked, my dear! They are Oompa Loompas. Actually, there's only one of them, and the rest are just digitally recreated. That's the real one. (He points.)
Zoro: ... Why am I an Oompa Loompa?
Nami: I want one!
Usopp: Hey, hey, if you're greedy, bad things will happen to you.
Sanji: (Picking up a Zoro and handing it to her.) Here you go, my dear.
Nami: Ah! Thank you, Mr. Wonka!
Usopp: That's not what you're supposed to do at all! (Robin snaps her gum again.) And would you stop!
Sanji: Don't you dare raise your voice to a lady!
Nami: Anyway, can we go to the next room?
Sanji: Yes! Right away! (Off they go to the inventing room. Screw boats.) This is my inventing room. It's where I... invent. For example (he picks something up) this stick of gum is a full three-course meal! (He offers it to Robin.) Would you like to try it?
Usopp: Wait--
Robin: Certainly, Mr. Wonka. (She takes out the piece of gum that's in her mouth already and sticks it behind her ear, then pops the new one in.) Ooh, it's delicious! Tomato soup... roast beef... blueberry pie...
Usopp: Oh no! This is gonna be bad...!
Chopper: Huh? Huh? What's gonna be bad?
Robin: That was very good. (She blows a bubble, snaps it, and goes back to chewing.) But it loses its flavor fast.
Usopp: What? Aren't you supposed to turn into a blueberry?
Sanji: Don't be ridiculous. Why would I let a disgusting thing like that happen to dear Robin Beauregarde?
Usopp: Because that's what's in the script.
Sanji: Screw the script.
Zoros: Dear friends, we surely all agree
There's almost nothing worse to see...
Chopper: Huh? Why are they singing? Nothing happened.
Zoros: Than some repulsive little bum
Who's always chewing chewing gum!
Robin: Ah, well. It seems I must go anyway, blueberry or not.
Sanji: No!
Robin: (Being escorted away by the Zoros.) Sorry, Mr. Wonka. Thank you for the gum.
Sanji: (Dropping to his knees.) Why. Why is it always the beautiful ones?
Nami: Hey, I wanna go to the next room now!
Sanji: (Jumping back up.) Yes!
Usopp: He sure is resilient... (They trek to the next room, where squirrels are shelling nuts.)
Nami: Ooh! Squirrels! How cute! I want one!
Sanji: (He picks one up and hands it to her.) Here you go!
Usopp: WRONG AGAIN!
Nami: Thank you, Mr. Wonka! Look, Mr. Squirrel, it's an Oompa Loompa!
Zoros: Nami Salt, the little brute,
Has just gone down the garbage chute!
Chopper: Huh? She did? But she's right here!
Sanji: She has to go too? Why am I giving this tour!
Nami: (Walking away.) Hey, Oompa Loompa, can we take a shortcut through the treasure room?
Usopp: There's no such room!
Sanji: (Sighing heavily.) Let's just get this over with. (They go to the next room. It's blindingly white. He puts on a pair of dark glasses.)
Chopper: My retinas!
Usopp: Hey, where are our glasses?
Sanji: Huh? I dunno, go find 'em yourself. (Usopp sighs, pulling two pairs off a rack by the doorway and giving one to Chopper while putting the other on himself.) This is the TV room, blah blah blah science, blah blah blah television, blah blah blah fishcakes.
Usopp: Ooh, I'm going to send myself across the room with this thing!
Chopper: Why do you want to do that?
Usopp: Because... it's what I do. (He jumps up onto the platform and turns the machine on. Nothing happens.)
Sanji: There's a difference between a particle and a wave, you know.
Usopp: Not necessarily; haven't you ever studied the dual nature of light?
Sanji: (He lights a cigarette and takes a long drag.) Not at all.
Usopp: No wonder your machine doesn't work. You don't know anything about physics!
Zoros: The most important thing we've learned,
So far as children are concerned
Is never, never, never let
Them near your television set!
Sanji: You heard the Marimo Loompas, get the hell outta here. (He turns to Chopper.) You the only one left?
Chopper: Huh? Oh! I guess so.
Sanji: Ah. Well then. That makes things easy. I think it's fairly obvious who the winner is.
Chopper: (His eyes light up.) Oh?
Sanji: It's a tie between Nami Salt and Robin Beauregarde!
Usopp: (Turning around as he's lead away.) YOU GOT IT WRONG AGAIN!

Voiceover: ... Yeah, I got nothin' for ya, folks.

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A/N: Any and all lyrics included herein were written by Roald Dahl for his novel Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Speaking of which, the soundtrack for the film is amazing. Go get it now.

For the meaning behind "blah blah blah fishcakes," see televisionwithoutpity dot com.

I wrote out my aggressions regarding gum chewers through Usopp. People that sit there and snap their gum all day make me twitchy and violent.