Gunsmoke:After All This Time

Part 5

"You sure you don't want anymore?" Kitty asked a while later as they finished their meal.

"I'm sure, Kitty, thanks. That was probably the best meal I've had in about a year." Kitty smiled a little knowing that he meant he hadn't had a decent meal since she was last in Dodge. She figured that it was time they stop putting their talk off.

"Come on…let's go in the other room." Matt followed her into the sitting room and made him self comfortable on the sofa while Kitty sat in the chair. He was hoping she would sit next to him. They sat quietly for a few moments before Kitty spoke. "Matt…I never thought I would be scared to talk to you," she said softly with her eyes closed.

"Why would you be scared? It's still me. I'm the same old Matt," he said trying to reassure her.

"So much went unsaid before I left, Matt."

"It's alright, Kitty. Since when have we ever needed words or explanations?"

"Did you ever think that maybe that was part of the problem?" she asked him, becoming a little frustrated. The light mood from earlier was fading. "Or maybe it was just my problem. Matt, I loved you more than anything…I still do," she admitted. Matt couldn't help but be relieved by her admission.

"I still love you, too, Kitty," he let her know. She gave him a small smile.

"But sometimes I don't feel like our love was enough." She stood and walked over to the cold fireplace. "You left me, Matt. Do you know how much that hurt me after everything we had been through together, after all those years…that you could just leave? I didn't even know if I would ever see you again." Matt noticed her voice shaking. "I remember a time or two when I tried to leave…Ballard in particular. I tried to explain to you how I felt, but you wouldn't let me…so I left and then you came to get me. Everything turned out fine that time, but now I keep wondering why you did it. Maybe if I had just stayed, it would have spared us the ache of having to do it all over again a few years later." She lifted a hand to wipe her cheek. "So, I thought to myself, Kitty, you've just wasted nineteen years on a man who would just up and leave you after everything you've shared…I felt like maybe I loved you a little more than you loved me……and maybe that isn't true, but it's how I felt." She turned around and looked at him. "I decided that I had waited long enough and now here I am. All I ever had to depend on was me and I decided that if I ever wanted a home or a family that I was going to have to get that for myself, too. So, I've got the home, but I still have no family." Kitty walked over to a cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and a glass, pouring herself a small amount. "I wanted that with you, but you had a job to do and I understood that, I really did, but after a while I came to realize that I was never going to come before your badge. Deep down, I always hoped that there would be a someday, but when you left, I realized that I was wrong."

Matt sat on the sofa feeling pretty low. So many times he had chosen the badge over her. He remembered the handful of times that he quit over the years, and he had never gone to her and asked her to leave with him. He always had the comfort of her, but she had never forced him into making a commitment. One thing she was wrong about was his love for her. He had never loved anyone more.

"Kitty, I always thought you would be safer if you weren't with me. But I haven't been dealing with it very well since you left. My heart isn't in my work anymore. Sometimes the only thing that ever kept me going was knowing that you were there." Matt stood and walked over to her. "Kitty, I realize that over the years I've been a fool about a lot of things. I don't regret being a lawman, but I think I could have handled some things differently. I never meant for you to be in the dark about how I feel." He placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her around to face him. "I've never loved anyone like I love you and I want to be with you. I'm through with the badge. I think I've served Dodge City well and that it's time for someone else to take over now. I don't want that in between us anymore. I've spent the better part of my life protecting people, but I know now that I want my commitment to be to you and only you. It's way past time that I start focusing on you a little more." He brought a hand up and gently wiped her face. "I don't want to be without you anymore, Kitty."

These were all of the things she dreamed of hearing from him one day, and now that she was, it was like music to her ears. She was still scared though. "Matt, are you sure? I don't ever want you to regret giving up the badge."

"It's time, Kitty. Besides, I'm not made of steel and my knee has been pretty bad lately. I don't want to waste another minute away from you." Kitty gave a watery smile as she fell into his embrace.

"I want that, too, Matt…but…I don't want to go back to Dodge. I want you to stay here with me," she told him as she cuddled her face into his chest. "I want it to be just us. I miss Doc, Festus, and Newly, but it's never been just us."

"I'll go wherever you go, Kitty," he whispered into her hair. He then lifted her chin and kissed her the way he had been wanting to for the past year.

Eventually, they made their way to the sofa where they sat close together, simply enjoying being together again. Matt knew now that Kitty was right. Maybe they did need words sometimes. He wasn't a very chatty man, but if expressing his feelings vocally meant that much to her then he would do it. He never wanted her to worry about the way he felt again. "Come on, Kitty. I know you're tired. Let's go to bed, huh?"

She rose from the couch and stretched her arms out in front of her. Matt stood as well and ushered her toward the stairs.

"I have to put the food away," she said sleepily.

"I'll do it. You just go and get ready for bed," he told her. He watched until she was out of sight and then made his way into the kitchen.

After taking care of the food and turning down all the lamps and making sure the doors and windows were locked, Matt went up to his room. He looked around and noticed that his saddlebags were missing. He checked the entire room for them just to make sure he wasn't crazy and then he went down the hall toward Kitty's room. The door was slightly ajar and he slowly pushed it open, not wanting to wake her if she was sleeping. She was already in bed and his bags were sitting against the wall. He walked over quietly to get them, not exactly sure what she meant by bringing then in her room and not wanting to assume anything.

"Matt?" he heard her call.

"Right here."

"What are you doing? Come to bed already."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm sure," she said as she pulled back the sheet. "We've been away from each other for too long and I just want to be close to you tonight," she explained and it was all Matt needed. He stripped down to his underwear, not in the least bit shy under her gaze, and crawled into the cool bed. He leaned over to give her a goodnight kiss and soon enough the exhausted couple was fast asleep. It would be the best nights sleep either had in a long time.

To be continued...