A/N: -- And as soon as I say that, K-F releases the episode that unofficially introduces Enel, so never mind on that one.

This one's for SorceryGeniusLina. Oh, Will, don't hold it against me. You know I've always been a fangirl.

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Voiceover: Star-crossed lovers. Awesome sword fights. Thumb biting. No, it's not a new episode of Desperate Housewives; it's Monkey D. Luffy's The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet!

(Chopper is standing in front of a drawn curtain, illuminated solely by a single spotlight. He reads from some note cards clutched in his hoof.)

Chopper: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... wait, no. (He flips through the cards, looking for something.) Call me Ishmael. Wait, that's wrong too... (He flips some more.) Four score and... (Flipping.) In the beginning... (Flipping.) When in the course of human... (Flipping.) Ah! (He clears his throat.) Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil--
Nami: (Offstage.) GET ON WITH IT!
Chopper: Oh! (He flips some more.) ...The which if you with patient ears attend
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend. (He bows and exits.)

(Curtain rises. Zoro and Sanji are already about an inch from each other, arguing heatedly.)

Zoro: And I'm telling you, I was biting my thumb, but I wasn't biting my thumb at you.
Sanji: I'm not an idiot, you shitty Capulet.
Zoro: Oh? That's the first I've heard of it.
Sanji: Why you--! (Luffy and Robin enter.)
Luffy: Yo!
Zoro: It's just like you idiot Montagues to gang up on me.
Luffy: Hey! How dare you call me a Montague--!
Robin: That's not an insult, Master Romeo.
Sanji: Hey, wait a minute! I thought I was Romeo. I mean, it only makes sense.
Zoro: Let's see... moody idiot who's a fool for women, and ends up dying, stupidly and needlessly, for one... sounds appropriate.
Sanji: If one dies for a woman, it is neither stupid nor needless. Ever.
Luffy: Wait a minute, why does everyone keep talking about dying? Sanji, did your cancer come back?
Sanji: I never had cancer; it was just a plot device.
Robin: This is a tragedy, though. One can only expect death.
Luffy: Oh! (Clapping a hand on Sanji's shoulder.) Well, it was nice knowing you.
Sanji: You're the one who's dying, "Romeo"!
Luffy: WHAT? Who wants to kill me? I'll kick their ass!
Robin: You kill yourself.
Luffy: No way!
Robin: And actually, Master Mercutio (she points to Sanji) you die too.
Zoro: (He laughs.) Doesn't it figure?
Robin: So do you, Master Tybalt.
Sanji: (He laughs.) Serves you right!
Robin: Though not before you kill Master Mercutio.
Sanji: What! I would never allow that shitty king of cats to get the better of me.
Luffy: Ooh! This is depressing. What about you, Robin? Who kills you?
Sanji: Yeah, tell me! I'll kill them first! It's this guy, isn't it? (Motioning to Zoro.)
Robin: Actually, it's no one. I live.
Chopper: (Poking his head onstage.) Uh. Guys. You're getting ahead of yourselves.
Robin: Oh. Sorry, Master Chorus. (Chopper retreats.)
Nami: (Entering.) O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name...!
Sanji: (Kneeling before her.) O, speak again, bright angel!
Nami: You're not Romeo...
Sanji: What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet!
Nami: Hey, hey, hey, that's my line.
Zoro: Hey, coz, can I kill him yet?
Nami: Knock yourself out. Lord knows we could use some action. (Zoro pulls out his stage sword and stabs Sanji.)
Sanji: (He looks up at Zoro.) You're kidding me, right?
Zoro: Look, it's not my fault if these things are both fake and cheap. Just die, okay?
Sanji: A plague o' your house! I refuse! Who will protect Miss N--
Nami: Juliet.
Sanji: --Miss Juliet and, er...
Robin: Master Benvolio.
Sanji: ...Yes. Who will protect them?
Zoro: Protect them from whom, might I ask?
Sanji: Well, you, for one. If you think for--
Nami: (She clocks Sanji over his head, rendering him out for the count.) There. Let's move on with things, shall we?
Usopp: (From offstage.) Seriously! I'm dying back here.
Luffy: Why is everybody dying!
Robin: It's in the script, Master Romeo. In fact, you're supposed to kill Master Tybalt now.
Luffy: Who?
Nami: ZORO.
Luffy: Ah. Why would I want to do that?
Robin: To avenge your fallen comrade.
Luffy: But why would I want to kill Zoro? Nami, you were the one that hit Sanji. You hit him all the time, and I've never wanted to kill you over it.
Nami: Just do it.
Luffy: Well... if you say so! (He runs Zoro through with his sword. Zoro falls.)
Zoro: This is so insulting. (He "dies," though after a moment his snores are quite audible.)
Nami: (Going back into "Juliet mode.") Romeo! You killed my cousin!
Luffy: You told me to! Wait, Zoro's your cousin? (He scratches his head.) I can't keep track of all this.
Nami: You have to run away now!
Luffy: What?
Nami: (Rage.) RUN AWAY!
Luffy: Aah! Running away! (He runs away.)
Usopp: (He enters.) Ah! It is I, the Great Captain--er, Friar Laurence, here to offer some sage advice. Here's a potion that'll make everyone think you're dead, Juliet. Then Romeo will come back, you'll wake up, and the two of you can run off together!
Nami: That doesn't sound ridiculously complex at all! Nothing can possibly go wrong with that plan. Certainly not an outbreak of the plague keeping the message from ever reaching Romeo or anything like that.
Usopp: That's exactly what I thought! I'm glad we're on the same wavelength. But first, there's something I was wondering.
Nami: What's that?
Usopp: Well, wouldn't it have made more sense to make you and Zoro the star-crossed lovers?
Nami: Compared to me and Luffy, it would have made more sense to make you and Zoro the star-crossed lovers.
Usopp: No, no, I mean, then we could have carried over the Ireland/Northern Ireland joke from the last episode.
Nami: That's true, but do we ever carry anything over from one episode to the next?
Usopp: Touché. But anyway, I guess it's a moot point, and we've still got some wacky Elizabethan hijinks to finish up. Where were we?
Nami: You had just explained your not-at-all-too-complicated plan and were about to give me the potion... thing.
Usopp: Ah! You're right. Here you go. (He hands her a small vial of potion, which she quickly downs, and falls to the stage. Usopp and Robin stand in the back, observing. There is a long pause.)
Robin: Uh... Master Romeo? You can come back now!
Luffy: (He saunters back out, eating a corn dog.) Yo.
Usopp: Where did you get that...?
Luffy: (He sees Nami lying on the ground.) Ah! Nami too?
Robin: Right. And now you're supposed to be so overcome with grief that you kill yourself.
Luffy: No way, I'm not even done with my corn dog.
Usopp: (He clocks Luffy over the head, causing him to fall to the ground.) What can I say? I studied at the Nami School of Acting.
Nami: (She sits up, in "Juliet mode.") Oh! Romeo! He is dead! Oh well. What can you do. (She reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet, taking the bills from within. She gives them a small kiss and tosses the rest of the wallet aside.) Hey, "Benvolio," let's go shopping.
Robin: That sounds like a good idea, Miss "Juliet." (The two of them exit together.)
Chopper: (He enters from the opposite direction.) That's not how it goes, is it?
Usopp: (He watches them go, shaking his head.) Not at all.

(Curtain.)

Voiceover: Never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo!
If you missed the woe, you obviously weren't paying enough attention.

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A/N: A million points to anyone who can name where Chopper's false starts are all from. Without using a search engine.

I couldn't find my copy of the play, so I had to use one transcribed online any time I wanted an exact quote (you could probably find the exact one I used if you do a quick Google). Anyway, the lines that are from Romeo and Juliet are from that version and, quite obviously, not written by me. I think you can tell what's what, as I tend not to write in iambic pentameter on my own. I was a little disturbed by how much of the play I remembered, considering I read it almost five years ago... Though note that I had to look up Friar Laurence's name. I was literally like, "Dammit, what was the friar's name? Friar... Tuck? No, no, that can't be right..."

Also, I'm not always that pleased with how any given episode turns out, but this is the most satisfied I've felt in a few days. Just sharing XD