A/N: I know this isn't exactly ER, but, well, the only medical shows I watch are House, M.D. and Grey's Anatomy (if you aren't watching both of them, by the way, you should be). Keep that in mind. This Bud's for you, Hiei's ice angel!
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Voiceover: A medical mishap left him nearly paralyzed in one leg. The pain is so intense he's developed an addiction. The only thing keeping him going is his practice. He is... Chopper, M.D.
(Cut to an examination room in a hospital. Zoro is lying on the table, asleep, and bleeding quite profusely from many wounds on his body. Chopper opens the door and enters, limping; Zoro jerks awake.)
Chopper:
Roronoa?
Zoro:
(Disoriented.)
Huh? Oh. Yeah.
Chopper:
It says here you got these wounds from... (He
flips through some papers.) ...falling off a bicycle.
Zoro:
Mmhmm...
Chopper:
You're lying.
Zoro:
What? No I'm not.
Chopper:
The calluses on your hands tell me you're a swordsman. And even if
they didn't, any idiot could see these injuries could not be caused
by a fall from a bicycle or even an elephant.
Zoro:
The elephant doesn't come in until later.
Chopper:
That's beside the point. Tell me what happened.
Zoro:
Well, I was riding a bike, and... I fell off of it.
Chopper:
A likely story. (He
goes to the door and calls out.) Nurses! (In
come Robin
and Usopp
in very sexy and revealing nurse outfits. Don't lie; the thought of
Usopp
in a sexy, revealing nurse outfit has kept you up nights and you know
it.)
Robin and Usopp:
Yes?
Chopper:
Administer the truth serum.
Robin and Usopp:
Yes! (They each pull
out giant syringes.)
Zoro:
What... the hell! I thought this was supposed to be a medical drama!
Chopper:
Isn't this dramatic?
Zoro:
Not really! (The door
bursts open and in comes Luffy,
looking pretty beat up himself.)
Luffy:
I've been waiting for--oh, hey, Zoro.
Zoro:
Hey. You're here too?
Luffy:
Yeah. I've been sitting in that room for ages,
waiting.
Chopper:
I just left you five minutes ago.
Luffy:
Like I said! Ages! Hey, there's a jar of popsicle sticks in here,
too! Do you collect them or something? That's pretty weird.
Chopper:
No, I don't collect them--
Luffy:
Then who does?
Chopper:
Er, no one I know--
Luffy:
Ah! A mysterious collector! (Sanji
bursts in beside Luffy.
He, too, looks like he just lost a fight.)
Sanji:
What's going--oh! Dear Robin! Might I say, you're looking spectacular
today!
Robin:
Why thank you.
Chopper:
Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Did you all
fall off an elephant?
Zoro:
Bicycle.
Chopper:
Whatever.
Sanji:
Is that what you told them?
Zoro:
I don't even know why I'm here. I just need to take a nap or five and
I'll be fine.
Chopper:
That's ridiculous! You've lost ten pints of blood!
Zoro:
So?
Chopper:
So! The human body typically only holds twelve!
Zoro:
That means I've got two left, then. No big deal.
Chopper:
Except for the part where you need seven
to survive.
Zoro:
Should I be dead, then?
Chopper:
Medically speaking, yes!
Zoro:
Then be quiet so I can rest in peace! (He
falls asleep.)
Chopper:
AAH! He's dead! Doctor! Doctor!
Usopp:
You are the
doctor, Doctor.
Robin:
And he's just asleep, not dead.
Chopper:
Oh. Okay. (Resuming his
grumpy demeanor. He takes a small bottle out of his pocket, dumps
some of its contents into his hand, then swallows them dry, returning
the bottle to his pocket.) What about you two?
Sanji:
What about us?
Chopper:
Did you fall off a bicycle?
Sanji:
No, actually--
Luffy:
Hey, what was that?
Chopper:
What was what?
Luffy:
That bottle you took out just now.
Chopper:
Pain medication.
Luffy:
For what?
Chopper:
For the pain. You can't have it.
Luffy:
But I want
it.
Usopp:
(Aside, to Robin.)
I always knew he had a Rumble Ball addiction, but you try confronting
him about it, and he just gets all
pissy.
Robin:
(Aside to Usopp.)
Tell me about it. I tried discussing alternative outlets, like
painting or yoga, but he just wouldn't listen.
Usopp:
(Aside to Robin.)
Maybe we need to figure out some kind of intervention.
Robin:
(Aside to Usopp.)
Perhaps that would be in order, yes, but we'd have to be careful.
He's known to get violent when his supply of Rumble Balls is threatened. (Usopp
nods thoughtfully in agreement.)
Chopper:
No! You can't have them!
Luffy:
But I want--
Chopper:
(Turning into his scary
man-beast form.) Don't make me kung fu your ass!
Luffy:
Okay, okay. (Pause.)
Can I have your popsicle stick collection instead, then?
Chopper:
(Returning to his
normal adorable, yet grumpy, form.) Go ahead. Whatever.
Luffy:
Awesome! (He takes the
jar of tongue depressors.)
Chopper:
Anyway, back to the problem at hand--hey! You! Listen to me! (He
turns angrily to Sanji,
who has gone to schmooze with Robin.)
Sanji:
Huh? Oh. I'm listening, I'm listening.
Chopper:
You people need to tell me how you got these injuries! The truth this
time!
Sanji:
How do you know Marimo wasn't telling the truth?
Chopper:
I'm not an idiot. Besides, everybody lies.
Usopp:
I don't lie.
Sanji:
Did your nose just grow?
Usopp:
(Clapping a hand to
it.) What? Did it?
Sanji:
No. (Usopp
eyes him. And not in a sexy way, either. Well, maybe just a little.)
Chopper:
So. Tell me! (Luffy,
however, is far too busy building elaborate forts out of tongue
depressors to notice or care, and Sanji
has gone back to schmoozing.) Hello! I need answers! (The
door bursts open again, and in comes Nami.)
Nami:
There you are! Thought you could hide from me, did you?
Sanji:
(Waving.)
Miss Nami! Hello! I was wondering when you would join us! Would you
like a wowwipop?
Nami:
If you think I'll forgive your stupidity because of a "wowwipop,"
I guess I didn't hit you hard enough!
Robin:
Or too hard.
Nami:
No, the former. Always the former.
Chopper:
Suddenly, it all becomes clear. Did you really do all this damage?
Nami:
Who, me? I wish! I barely got any good blows in before they got away.
All this is from falling off that elephant.
Chopper:
Er... what?
Zoro:
(Sitting up, rubbing
his eyes.) What's all this noise?
Chopper:
You fell off an elephant?
Zoro:
Yeah... I didn't think you'd buy that, so I said it was a bicycle.
Chopper:
So you were lying!
Zoro:
If you want to split hairs, yeah. (There
is a loud crash outside, and an elephant's trunk snakes in through
the open door behind Nami.)
Nami:
(Swatting it away.)
No dice, elephant! I'll be the one to finish this job! (The
elephant trumpets in protest. Nami
goes into rage mode.) GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE! (The
elephant trumpets again, feebly this time, before shrinking away in
fear.)
Chopper:
I'm afraid I can't allow you to kill my patients.
Nami:
Sadly, I don't think they'd die.
Usopp:
What exactly did they do?
Nami:
Use your imagination! The writers didn't want to.
Usopp:
Ahh. I understand now.
Nami:
You see? Now you understand why I have to--
Chopper:
Stop right there! If you take one more step... you'll die!
Nami:
What? Why?
Chopper:
I'm afraid you have... SARS!
Sanji:
No! Doctor, save her now! Our wounds are nothing!
Nami:
Huh? SARS?
Chopper:
There. How's that
for medical drama?
Robin:
Very good.
Usopp:
I'm on the edge of my seat!
Nami:
But I have no symptoms!
Chopper:
Which makes it all the deadlier! Hurry, let's get you isolated! (He
rushes her out.)
Sanji:
Wait! I'm coming too! I have to be there for her, in her moment of
need! (He runs after
them.)
Usopp:
Darn. I was going to ask him for a wowwipop...
Voiceover: Will Nami survive this deadly bout of SARS? Will Chopper learn to live without a regular dose of the Rumble Ball? Will Luffy finish his tongue-depressor fort? Will Usopp get a wowwipop? Find out next time, on... Chopper, M.D.
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A/N: Hey, does anybody know if the elephant has a name? I just realized I have no idea, and all my manga scans are... were on the computer that crashed -.-
Also, I did not plan for him to show up; he just invited himself over. WTFever, elephant.
Also, Oda seems to like making Zoro lose ridiculous amounts of blood, so I thought I'd do the same.