Disclaimer: Mine! All mine! D'ya hear me? All mine!! Muahahahahahahahahaha! *Lawyers start coming out of the imaginary woodwork* OK, OK! I don't own Harry Potter or any related people, places, things, etc. The (hopefully) bolded stuff is from the book, but I don't know if it'll work. And the starred (*) Christmas carols are from the show 'Almost Live'.
A/N: In case you were wondering, baka is Japanese for stupid, chibi is Japanese for little, and gaki is Japanese for brat. I think. Correct me if I'm wrong. And this was typed up on Christmas, so there are Christmas references.
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The Marauders and Lily were waiting for Katie the next day.
Sirius: I'm bored. When is Katie going to get here? I wanna read more of the books.
Katie: *walking in through the door to James' bedroom carrying the books, the laptop, and a plate covered in aluminum foil* Aww, you missed me? I'm right here.
Today Katie's wearing a black three-quarter length sleeve shirt and jeans. The shirt is moderately form-fitting, but not overly so. She's got the same shoes on, and today she's wearing dangly, sparkly earrings. (Yep, that's the outfit I'm wearing today!) Today she has hazel eyes.
James: Katie, why do you have eyes today? They were green before.
Katie: Contacts. Things that make it so you don't have to wear glasses, and that change your eye color This is my natural color, actually. Aren't contacts great? I'm hyper. I made Christmas cookies yesterday! ^_^ I ate a bunch too!
Sirius: Um… Katie… it's the middle of July… Christmas isn't for another five months…
Katie: Here it's July. Where I come from, it's Christmas Day. And I made the cutest cookies! And I brought some! *she takes the foil off the plate and there's a bunch of cookies, two kinds: ones with crushed peppermint candies on top, and ones that look like little mice* Can we sing Christmas carols?
Remus: What about the story?
Katie: We can do it later. I wanna sing Christmas carols! Here's one of my favorites:
Deck the halls with gasoline,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Light a match and blow it clean.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Watch the school burn down to ashes,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Aren't you glad you played with matches?
Fa la la la la, Fa la la la la, Fa la la la la la la la la
Isn't it fun?
Sirius: I like it! Do you know any others?
Katie: Yep! I only know parts of some songs, though. Here's the first three verses of a well-known Christmas carol. Well, alright, it's changed. A lot. But here it is:
*On the fourth of November, the voters all agreed,
That it is still illegal to smoke weed!
On the second amendment, the voters seemed to say,
No, if you're gay,
And that it is still illegal to smoke weed!
On the third proposition, the ballot came to read,
Guns don't need locks,
No, if you're gay,
And that it is still illegal to smoke weed!*
Sirius: What's a gun?
Lily: A type of metal wand that Muggles use to kill each other.
Sirius: Oh.
Peter: Can we get to reading now?
Katie: *disappointed* Fine. But I still have more Christmas carols.
Remus: *crunching on a mouse cookie* I'll read this time!
Katie: *gives him the PoA book*
Chapter 2: Aunt Marge's Big Mistake
Harry went down to breakfast the next morning to find the three Dursleys already sitting around the kitchen table.
Peter: They can actually get up in the morning?
They were watching a brand-new television, a welcome-home-for-the-summer present for Dudley, who had been complaining loudly about the long walk between the fridge and the television in the living room.
James: Talk about a spoiled rotten brat.
Katie: Yep, definitely a baka chibi gaki.
Lily: Yep!
Dudley had spent most of the summer in the kitchen, his piggy little eyes fixed on the screen and his five chins wobbling as he ate continually.
James: Talk about fat… ew…
Katie: *nods* Il est très gros. *(Translation: He is very fat.)*
Remus: Oui, il est. *(Translation: Yes, he is.)*
Katie: Parlez-vous français, Remus?
Remus: *grinning* Oui!
Lily: For us non-bilingual people, can we get back to English?
Katie: *smirking* Non! *(I'm sure you can figure out what that means, if you can't, it means "No")*
Harry sat down between Dudley and Uncle Vernon, a large, beefy man with very little neck and a lot of mustache.
James: Now we see where Dudley gets it from.
Far from wishing Harry a happy birthday, none of the Dursleys made any sign that they had noticed Harry enter the room, but Harry was far too used to this to care.
Lily: How dare they?!
James: Lily, calm down. Wait to explode until you can kill Petunia.
Lily: *scowls*
He helped himself to a piece of toast and then looked up at the reporter on the television, who was halfway through a report on an escaped convict:
"…The public is warned that Black is armed and extremely dangerous. A special hot line has been set up, and any sighting of Black should be reported immediately."
Sirius: Black? As in me? I'm not dangerous! Or armed! Or an escaped convict!
Peter: *edges away from Sirius*
Katie: He's not dangerous now, Wormtail. You don't need to edge away from him like he's gonna explode.
"No need to tell us he's no good," snorted Uncle Vernon, staring over the top of his newspaper at the prisoner. "Look at the state of him, the filthy layabout! Look at his hair!"
Sirius: I take offense! My hair is perfectly fine, thank you very much!
Katie: *giggling* Did you even comb it this morning, Sirius?
Sirius: Well… kind of… THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
He shot a nasty look sideways at Harry, whose untidy hair had always been a source of great annoyance to Uncle Vernon. Compared to the man on the television, however, whose gaunt face was surrounded by a matted, elbow-length tangle, Harry felt very well groomed indeed.
Sirius: Well, excuuuuuuuuse me. My hair is not matted, nor elbow-length, nor tangled! And Prongs' hair is much worse than mine!
James: Live in your own fantasies, Padfoot.
Lily: What's with all the nicknames?
James: Why shouldn't we have nicknames, Flower?
Lily: Don't call me that, Jamie.
The reporter had reappeared.
"The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries will announce today –"
"Hang on!" barked Uncle Vernon, staring furiously at the reporter. "You didn't tell us where that maniac's escaped from! What use is that? Lunatic could be coming up the street right now!"
Sirius: Maniac?!
Katie: How do you know it's even you, Sirius?
Sirius: I don't. But it's an insult to anybody with the last name of Black. And it's obviously a big part of the book, right? So I'm betting it's me.
Aunt Petunia, who was bony and horse-faced, whipped around and peered intently out of the kitchen window. Harry knew Aunt Petunia would simply love to be the one to call the hot line number. She was the nosiest woman in the world and spent most of her life spying on the boring, law-abiding neighbors.
Lily: Yep, 'Tunia's the nosiest person in the world. It gets really annoying when you're trying to talk privately on the telephone.
Sirius: …telephone?
"When will they learn," said Uncle Vernon, pounding the table with his large purple fist, "that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?"
Sirius: Hmph!
"Very true," said Aunt Petunia, who was still squinting into next door's runner beans.
Uncle Vernon drained his teacup, glanced at his watch, and added, "I'd better be off in a minute, Petunia. Marge's train gets in at ten."
Harry, whose thoughts had been upstairs with the Broomstick Servicing Kit, was brought back to the earth with an unpleasant bump.
"Aunt Marge?" he blurted out. "She - she's not coming here, is she?"
Remus: He doesn't like 'Aunt Marge', huh?
Katie: Nope!
Aunt Marge was Uncle Vernon's sister. Even though she was not a blood relative of Harry's (whose mother had been Aunt Petunia's sister), he had been forced to call her "Aunt" all his life. Aunt Marge lived in the country, in a house with a large garden, and she bred bulldogs. She didn't often stay at Privet Drive, because she couldn't bear to leave her precious dogs, but each of her visits stood out horribly in Harry's mind.
At Dudley's fifth birthday party, Aunt Marge had whacked Harry around the shins with her walking stick to stop him from beating Dudley at musical statues. A few years later, she had turned up at Christmas with a computerized robot for Dudley and a box of dog biscuits for Harry. On her last visit, the year before Harry started at Hogwarts, Harry had accidentally trodden on the tail of her favorite dog. Ripper had chased Harry out into the garden and up a tree, and Aunt Marge had refused to call him off until past midnight. The memory of this incident still brought tears of laughter to Dudley's eyes.
Lily: My poor boy! I've got to kill Marge, then, too.
Remus: Some people like dog biscuits, you know.
Everybody except Remus: *stares at Remus*
Remus: Not me! I don't like them. I read it in a Muggle magazine.
"Marge'll be here for a week," Uncle Vernon snarled, "and while we're on the subject" – he pointed a fat finger threateningly at Harry – "we need to get a few things straight before I go and collect her."
Dudley smirked and withdrew his faze from the television. Watching Harry being bullied by Uncle Vernon was Dudley's favorite form of entertainment.
Lily: Baka chibi gaki. Doesn't he have anything better to do?
Katie: Who, Uncle Vernon or Dudley?
Lily: Both!
Katie: Apparently not.
"Firstly," growled Uncle Vernon, "you'll keep a civil tongue in your head when you're talking to Marge."
"All right," said Harry bitterly, "if she does when she's talking to me."
Peter: All right, Harry! You tell him!
"Secondly," said Uncle Vernon, acting as though he had not heard Harry's reply, "as Marge doesn't know anything about your abnormality, I don't want any – any funny stuff while she's here. You behave yourself, got me?
"I will if she does," said Harry through gritted teeth.
James: From what they've said about her, I bet she won't.
Katie: Got it in one.
"And thirdly," said Uncle Vernon, his mean little eyes now slits in his great purple face, "we've told Marge you attend St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys."
James: WHAT?
"What?" Harry yelled.
James: Um… yeah… *looking around* You don't all have to back away because I happen to think like my son does, you know!
"And you'll be sticking to that story, boy, or there'll be trouble," spat Uncle Vernon.
Lily: *growls*
Harry sat there, white faced and furious, staring at Uncle Vernon, hardly able to believe it. Aunt Marge coming for a week-long visit – it was the worst birthday present the Dursleys had ever given him, including that pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.
Katie: You know, socks are useful. Just ask Dumbledore. He likes socks.
Sirius: Er… right. And how do you know that?
Katie: *throws SS (or PS, depending on what country) at Sirius* It says in there.
"Well, Petunia," said Uncle Vernon, getting heavily to his feet, "I'll be off to the station, then. Want to come along for the ride, Dudders?"
Sirius: *cracking up* Dudders? How does he stand it?
"No," said Dudley, whose attention had returned to the television now that Uncle Vernon had finished threatening Harry.
"Duddy's got to make himself smart for his auntie," said Aunt Petunia, smoothing Dudley's think blond hair. "Mummy's bought him a lovely new bow tie."
James: It'd take more than a bow tie to make Dudley look smart.
Uncle Vernon clapped Dudley on his porky shoulder.
"See you in a bit, then," he said, and he left the kitchen.
Harry, who had been sitting in kind of a horrified trance, had a sudden idea. Abandoning his toast, he got quickly to his feet and followed Uncle Vernon to the front door.
Uncle Vernon was pulling on his car coat.
"I'm not taking you," he snarled as he turned to see Harry watching him.
Lily: DO NOT TALK TO MY SON THAT WAY!
"Like I wanted to come," said Harry coldly. "I want to ask you something."
Uncle Vernon eyed him suspiciously.
"Third years at Hog – at my school are allowed to visit the village sometimes," said Harry.
Peter: Hey, he has a good idea!
Katie: Peter, do you even know what the idea is?
Peter: Well… no… but I know it's good!
Katie: *sighs and rolls her eyes*
"So?" snapped Uncle Vernon, taking his car keys from a hook next to the door.
"I need you to sign the permission form," said Harry in a rush.
"And why should I do that?" sneered Uncle Vernon?
"Well," said Harry, choosing his words carefully, "it'll be hard work, pretending to Aunt Marge I go to that St. Whatsits – "
Katie: And that, Peter, is his plan.
Peter: I still don't get it.
Katie: *to the others* Is he always like this?
Remus: Yup.
Peter: Hey!
"St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys!" bellowed Uncle Vernon, and Harry was pleased to hear a definite note of panic in Uncle Vernon's voice.
"Exactly," said Harry, looking calmly up into Uncle Vernon's large, purple face. "It's a lot to remember. I'll have to make it sound convincing, won't I? What if I accidentally let something slip?"
"You'll get the stuffing knocked out of you, won't you?" roared Uncle Vernon, advancing on Harry with his fist raised. But Harry stood his ground.
Lily: HOW DARE YOU??????????
James: Lils. Calm down.
"Knocking the stuffing out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I could tell her," he said grimly.
Uncle Vernon stopped, his fist still raised, his face an ugly puce.
Katie: What color exactly is puce?
Remus: A really ugly green.
Katie: His face is green.
Remus: Seems like it, doesn't it?
"But if you sign my permission form," Harry went on quickly, "I swear I'll remember where I'm supposed to go to school, and I'll act like a Mug – like I'm normal and everything."
Katie: Now do you get it, Peter?
Peter: Yep!
Katie: Finally!
Harry could tell that Uncle Vernon was thinking it over, even if his teeth were bared and a vein was throbbing in his temple.
Sirius: His teeth are bared? What is he, a dog?
"Right," he snapped finally. "I shall monitor your behavior carefully during Marge's visit. If, at the end of it, you've toed the line and kept to the story, I'll sign your ruddy form."
He wheeled around, pulled open the front door, and slammed it so hard that one of the little panes of glass at the top fell out.
James: Tsk tsk tsk. Overly violent.
Harry didn't return to the kitchen. He went back upstairs to his bedroom. If he was going to act like a real Muggle, he'd better start now. Slowly and sadly he gathered up all his presents and his birthday cards and hid them under the loose floorboard with his homework.
Peter: Why does he have to hide his birthday cards?
Remus: I don't know. Maybe he's not allowed to have friends.
Then he went to Hedwig's cage. Errol seemed to have recovered;
Sirius: You can't recover if you're dead.
Remus: Sirius, for the last time, Errol wasn't, and isn't, dead!
Sirius: There's no need to take that tone with me, young man!
Katie: *cracking up* My God, Sirius, you sound like my mom when she's mad at my brothers!
he and Hedwig were both asleep, heads under their wings. Harry sighed, then poked them both awake.
Katie: *running around and poking people* Poke! Poke! Poke! *(Yes, I do go around and poke people. And I pull my friend's hair and say 'poke' too.)*
"Hedwig," he said gloomily, "you're gong to have to clear off for a week. Go with Errol. Ron'll look after you. I'll write him a note, explaining. And don't look at me like that" – Hedwig's large amber eyes were reproachful – "it's not my fault. It's the only way I'll be allowed to visit Hogsmeade with Ron and Hermione.
Ten minutes later, Errol and Hedwig (who had a note to Ron bound to her leg) soared out of the window and out of sight. Harry, now feeling thoroughly miserable, put the empty cage away inside the wardrobe.
But Harry didn't have long to brood. In next to no time, Aunt Petunia was shrieking up the stairs for Harry to come down and get ready to welcome their guest.
"Do something about your hair!" Aunt Petunia snapped as he reached the hall.
James: There's no point in trying to make this hair go flat. It just sticks up.
Harry couldn't see the point of trying to make his hair lie flat. Aunt Marge loved criticizing him, so the untidier he looked, the happier she would be.
All too soon, there was a crunch of gravel outside as Uncle Vernon's car pulled back into the driveway, then the clunk of the car doors and footsteps on the garden path.
"Get the door!" Aunt Petunia hissed at Harry.
Lily: Why don't you get it, you old bat?
A feeling of great gloom in his stomach, Harry pulled the door open.
On the threshold stood Aunt Marge. She was very like Uncle Vernon: large, beefy, and purple-faced, she even had a mustache, though not as bushy as his.
Peter: Ugh. She must look awful. Why would she want a mustache?
Katie: Because she's incredibly stupid?
In one hand she held an enormous suitcase, and tucked under the other was an old and evil-tempered bulldog.
"Where's my Dudders?" roared Aunt Marge. "Where's my neffy-poo?"
Everyone: *cracks up*
Dudley came waddling down the hall, his blond hair plastered flat to his fat head, a bow tie just visible under his many chins.
Sirius: That's supposed to make him look smart?
Aunt Marge thrust the suitcase into Harry's stomach, knocking the wind out of him,
Lily: DON'T DO THAT TO MY SON!
seized Dudley in a tight one-armed hug, and planted a large kiss on his cheek.
Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley only put up with Aunt Marge's hugs because he was well paid for it, and sure enough, when they broke apart, Dudley had a crisp twenty-pound note clutched in his fat fist.
James: A twenty-pound note? Who would want something that heavy?
Lily: It's a form of Muggle currency, James.
Katie: English Muggle currency. In America, we have dollars and cents instead of pounds and pence. And in Japan, they have yen, and I forgot what all the other countries have. Oh, and in France they have francs.
"Petunia!" shouted Aunt Marge, striding past Harry as though he was a hat stand. Aunt Marge and Aunt Petunia kissed,
Peter: Ewwwww.
Katie: *holding her head and muttering* Bad mental pictures, bad mental pictures. This reminds me of when Madonna and Britney Spears kissed. Ugh.
Remus: I'm not going to ask…
or rather, Aunt Marge bumped her large jaw against Aunt Petunia's bony cheekbone.
Lily: Well, at least they didn't really kiss.
Katie: Thank goodness, it would be horrible if they did. *muttering* Don't even think about it, Katie, don't think about it, don't think about it…
Uncle Vernon now came in, smiling jovially as he shut the door.
"Tea, Marge?" he said. "And what will Ripper take?"
"Ripper can have some tea out of my saucer," said Aunt Marge
James: The dog gets treated better than Harry does?
Lily: *breathing heavily* Petunia's going to pay.
as they all proceeded into the kitchen, leaving Harry alone in the hall with the suitcase. But Harry wasn't complaining, any excuse not to be with Aunt Marge was fine by him, so he began to heave the case upstairs into the spare bedroom, taking as long as he could.
Sirius: Smart boy. Must have gotten it from his mother.
By the time he got back to the kitchen, Aunt Marge had been supplied with tea and fruitcake,
Katie: Yuck. Fruitcake. I got candy today in my stocking! ^_^
and Ripper was lapping noisily in the corner. Harry saw Aunt Petunia wince slightly as specks of tea and drool flecked her clean floor. Aunt Petunia hated animals.
Lily: Haha!
"Who's looking after the other dogs, Marge?' Uncle Vernon asked.
"Oh, I've got Colonel Fubster managing them," boomed Aunt Marge. "He's retired now, good for him to have something to do. But I couldn't leave poor old Ripper. He pines if he's away from me."
James: Who would pine for her?
Peter: Not me!
Ripper began to growl again as Harry sat down. This directed Aunt Marge's attention to Harry for the first time.
"So!" she barked. "Still here, are you?"
"Yes," said Harry.
Lily: Unfortunately. Almost anywhere would have been better.
Katie: Not really. I mean, they don't really abuse him or anything, they just neglect him. You'd be surprised at the number of people who are badly abused when they're kids. Or when they're adults.
"Don't say 'yes' in that ungrateful tone," Aunt Marge growled. "It's damn good of Vernon and Petunia to keep you. Wouldn't have done it myself. You'd have gone straight to an orphanage if you'd been dumped on my doorstep."
Lily: An orphanage would have been better!
Harry was bursting to say that he'd rather leave in an orphanage than with the Dursleys, but the thought of the Hogsmeade form stopped him. He forced his face into a painful smile.
"Don't you smirk at me!" boomed Aunt Marge. "I can see you haven't improved since I last saw you. I hoped school would knock some manners into you."
Remus: She's the one who needs manners to be knocked into her! Harry's perfectly polite!
She took a large gulp of tea, wiped her mustache, and said, "Where is it that you send him, again, Vernon?"
"St. Brutus's," said Uncle Vernon promptly. "It's a first-rate institution for hopeless cases."
Lily: My son is not a hopeless case!
"I see," said Aunt Marge. "Do they use the cane at St. Brutus's, boy?" she barked across the table.
"Er – "
Uncle Vernon nodded curtly behind Aunt Marge's back.
"Yes," said Harry. Then, feeling he might as well do the thing properly, he added, "all the time."
Lily: Argh! He should not have to pretend that he gets beaten at his school!
Katie: Well, you know, he does get a fair amount of injuries at school. Last year he had all the bones in his arm removed.
Lily: That's different!
"Excellent," said Aunt Marge. "I won't have this namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not hitting people who deserve it. A good trashing is what's needed in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred.
Sirius: She's the one who needs it, not Harry.
Lily: Damn straight she does!
James: *smirking* Lily dearest, I didn't know you had such a big vocabulary!
Lily: Shut up, Potter.
Have you been beaten often?"
"Oh, yeah," said Harry, "loads of times."
Aunt Marge narrowed her eyes.
"I still don't like your tone, boy," she said. "If you can speak of your beatings in that casual way, they clearly aren't hitting you hard enough. Petunia, I'd write if I were you. Make it clear that you approve the use of extreme force in this boy's case."
Lily: *speechless with rage* How… how… how dare she…
James: Lily. Calm down. There's nothing you can do about it.
Perhaps Uncle Vernon was worried that Harry might forget their bargain; in any case, he changed the subject abruptly.
"Heard the news this morning, Marge? What about that escaped prisoner, eh?"
As Aunt Marge started to make herself at home, Harry caught himself thinking almost longingly of life at number four without her.
James: *growls*
Remus: She must be really bad, then.
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia usually encouraged Harry to stay out of their way, which Harry was only too happy to do. Aunt Marge, on the other hand, wanted Harry under her eye at all times, so that she could boom out suggestions for his improvement. She delighted in comparing Harry with Dudley, and took huge pleasure in buying Dudley expensive presents while glaring at Harry, as though daring him to ask why he hadn't got a present too.
Lily: *screams into a pillow*
Everybody except Lily: *stares at Lily, then backs away slowly*
She also kept throwing out dark hints about what made Harry such an unsatisfactory person.
"You mustn't blame yourself for the way the boy's turned out, Vernon," she said over lunch on the third day. "If there's something rotten on the inside, there's nothing anyone can do about it."
Lily: NOTHING IS WRONG WITH MY SON, INSIDE OR OUTSIDE!
Harry tried to concentrate on his food, but his hands shook and his face was starting to burn with anger. Remember the form, he told himself. Think about Hogsmeade. Don't say anything. Don't rise –
Katie: He's got a bad temper. Even worse than mine, and that's saying something. Only I don't do what he does, I use a bigger vocabulary than Lily's.
James: What does he do?
Katie: You'll see!
Aunt Marge reached for her glass of wine.
"It's one of the basic rules of breeding," she said. "You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, there'll be something wrong with the pup – "
Lily/James: Oh, she's crossed the line now.
At that moment, the wineglass Aunt Marge was holding exploded in her hand. Shards of glass flew in every direction and Aunt Marge sputtered and blinked, her great ruddy face dripping.
Sirius: He exploded a glass! I've done that!
Lily: Black! Shame on you!
Sirius: *sulking* It wasn't my fault.
"Marge!" squealed Aunt Petunia. "Marge, are you all right?"
"Not to worry," grunted Aunt Marge, mopping her face with her napkin. "Must have squeezed it too hard. Did the same thing at Colonel Fubster's the other day. No need to fuss, Petunia, I have a very firm grip…"
Peter: Firm grip, my foot. That was Harry, and you know it was too.
But Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were both looking at Harry suspiciously, so he decided he'd better skip dessert and escape from the table as soon as he could.
Sirius: Smart move.
Outside in the hall, he leaned against the wall, breathing deeply. It had been a long time since he'd lost control and made something explode. He couldn't afford to let it happen again. The Hogsmeade form wasn't the only thing at stake – if he carried on like that, he'd be in trouble with the Ministry of Magic.
James: He wouldn't get in trouble for losing control, would he? I've lost control and not gotten in trouble. Hell, even Lily's lost control, I still have the scar.
Lily: You provoked me, Potter.
Harry was still an underage wizard, and he was forbidden by wizard law to do magic outside school. His record wasn't exactly clean either. Only last summer he'd gotten an official warning that had stated quite clearly that if the Ministry got wind of any more magic in Privet Drive, Harry would face expulsion from Hogwarts.
Lily: What happened last summer? Why did he get an official warning?
Katie: It was in the book I gave one of you last time, you know, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Anyway, a house-elf exploded his aunt's big pudding cake thing. And he got blamed for it.
He heard the Dursleys leaving the table and hurried upstairs out of the way.
Harry got through the next three days by forcing himself to think about his Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Broomcare whenever Aunt Marge started on him. This worked quite well, though it seemed to give him a glazed look, because Aunt Marge started voicing the opinion that he was mentally subnormal.
Lily: He is not mentally subnormal! He is smarter and has more sense than you do!
At last, at long last, the final evening of Marge's stay arrived. Aunt Petunia cooked a fancy dinner and Uncle Vernon uncorked several bottles of wine. They got all the way through the soup and the salmon
Katie: I had salmon last night for dinner! It was really good! It had beurreblanc sauce on it!
Remus: White butter sauce?
Katie: Yep! It was really good, too!
without a single mention of Harry's faults; during the lemon meringue pie,
Katie: Mmmm… lemon meringue pie… that stuff's good…
Uncle Vernon bored them all with a long talk about Grunnings, his drill-making company;
Remus: *laughing* It's a pun!
then Aunt Petunia made coffee and Uncle Vernon brought out a bottle of brandy.
"Can I tempt you, Marge?"
Remus: Sure… make the evil aunt drunk so she pisses off Harry more…
Aunt Marge had already had quite a lot of wine. Her huge face was very red.
Remus: See?
"Just a small one, then," she chuckled. "A bit more than that… and a bit more… that's the ticket."
Lily: That's a small one?
Dudley was eating his fourth slice of pie.
Remus: Pig.
Katie: Oui.
Aunt Petunia was sipping coffee with her little finger sticking out. Harry really wanted to disappear into his bedroom, but he met Uncle Vernon's angry little eyes and knew he would have to sit it out.
James: Let him go to his room!
"Aah," said Aunt Marge, smacking her lips and putting the empty brandy glass back down. "Excellent nosh, Petunia. It's normally just a fry-up for me of an evening, with twelve dogs to look after…" She burped richly and patted her great tweed stomach. "Pardon me. But I do like to see a healthy-sized boy," she went on, winking at Dudley. "You'll be a proper-sized man, Dudders, like your father.
Lily: That's supposed to be a good thing, being that size?
Peter: Apparently.
Lily: That was rhetorical question, Pettigrew.
Yes, I'll have a spot more brandy, Vernon…"
"Now, this one here – "
She jerked her head at Harry who felt his stomach clench. The Handbook, he thought quickly.
"This one's got a mean, runty look about him. You get that with dogs. I had Colonel Fubster drown one last year. Ratty little thing it was. Weak. Underbred."
Katie: That's extreme animal cruelty! That's so mean! She could have given it to me!
Remus: Riiiiiiiiight… you realize that she doesn't know you?
Katie: So?
Harry was trying to remember page twelve of his book: A Charm to Cure Reluctant Reversers.
"It all comes down to blood, as I was saying the other day. Bad blood will out. Now, I'm saying nothing against your family, Petunia" – she patted Aunt Petunia's bony hand with her shovel-like one – "but your sister was a bad egg. They turn up in the best families. Then she ran off with a wastrel and here's the result right in front of us."
Lily: *fuming* I am not a bad egg! And James is not a wastrel! Oh, Marge is going to die.
James: I'll help you kill her, too.
Katie: Can I help? Pretty pretty please?
Lily: Sure! I think after we finish this book, I'm going to invite all of you over to my house so we can freak out Petunia before we kill her.
Harry was staring at his plate, a funny ringing in his ears. Grasp your broom firmly by the tail, he thought. But he couldn't remember what came next. Aunt Marge's voice seemed to be boring into him like one of Uncle Vernon's drills.
Peter: *wincing* That's got to hurt…
Katie: *rolling her eyes* It's an expression, Peter. Jeez, you're as bad as my friend when I tell her 'bite me'. *(no names, to protect the not-so-innocent! 'friend', you know who you are!)*
"This Potter," said Aunt Marge loudly, seizing the brandy bottle and splashing more into her glass and over the tablecloth, "you never told me what he did?"
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were looking extremely tense. Dudley had even looked from his pie to gape at his parents.
"He – didn't work," said Uncle Vernon, with half a glance at Harry. "Unemployed."
James: I'm going to have a better job than you do! I already work some days in the summer!
Katie: I volunteer at the Humane Society! Does that count as a job?
James: Katie, you're worse than Sirius is.
Katie: *beaming* Thanks!
James: That wasn't a compliment.
Sirius: Hey!
"As I expected!" said Aunt Marge, taking a huge swig of brandy and wiping her chin on her sleeve. "A no-account, good-for-nothing, lazy scrounger who – "
James: *fuming* I AM NOT!
"He was not," said Harry suddenly. The table went very quiet. Harry was shaking all over. He had never felt so angry in his life.
James: That's my boy! You tell 'em!
"MORE BRANDY!" yelled Uncle Vernon, who had gone very white. He emptied into Aunt Marge's glass. "You, boy," he snarled at Harry. "Go to bed, go on – "
"No, Vernon," hiccupped Aunt Marge, holding up a hand, her tiny bloodshot eyes fixed on Harry's. "Go on, boy, go on. Proud of your parents, are you? They go and get themselves killed in a car crash (drunk, I expect) – "
James: We did NOT die in a car crash! And I would never be drunk while Lily was driving the car, since she knows how to and I don't. I've only been drunk once!
Sirius: *sniggering* Or twice…
Remus: *smiling* Or three times…
James: Oh, shut up.
Lily: James!
"They didn't die in a car crash!" said Harry, who found himself on his feet.
"They died in a car crash, you nasty little liar, and left you to be a burden on their decent, hardworking relatives!" screamed Aunt Marge, swelling with fury. "You are an insolent, ungrateful little – "
James: *standing up* You… you… bitch… I'm going to get you for that.
Lily: *standing up too* Yeah!
Katie: James, Lily, sit down.
But Aunt Marge suddenly stopped speaking. For a moment, it looked as though words had failed her. She seemed to be swelling with inexpressible anger – but the swelling didn't stop. Her great red face started to expand, her tiny eyes bulged, and her mouth stretched too tightly for speech – next seconds, several buttons had just burst from her tweed jacket and pinged off the walls – she was inflating like a monstrous balloon, her stomach bursting free of her tweed waistband, each of her fingers blowing up like a salami –
Sirius: Yeah! He blew up his aunt!
Lily: Once Harry exists, I'm going to punish him for that!
James: Lily, it won't have happened yet. And aren't you glad that he did that?
Lily: Well… yeah… but still!
"MARGE!" yelled Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia together as Aunt Marge's whole body began to rise off her chair toward the ceiling. She was entirely round, now, like a vast life buoy with piggy eyes, and her hands and feet stuck out weirdly as she drifted up into the air, making apoplectic popping noises.
Katie: Aunt Marge balloons, only five galleons each! Get 'em while they're cheap!
Ripper came skidding into the room, barking madly.
"NOOOOOOO!"
Uncle Vernon seized one of Marge's feet and tried to pull her down again, but was almost lifted from the floor himself. A second later, Ripper leapt forward and sank his teeth into Uncle Vernon's leg.
Everyone: *cracks up*
Lily: He got what he deserved! Or part of it, anyway… I'm still going to kill him…
Harry tore from the dining room before anyone could stop him, heading for the cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard door burst magically open as he reached it. In seconds, he had heaved his trunk to the front door. He sprinted upstairs and threw himself under the bed, wrenching up the loose floorboard, and grabbed his pillowcase full of his books and birthday presents. He wriggled out, seized Hedwig's empty cage, and dashed back downstairs to his trunk, just as Uncle Vernon burst out of the dining room, his trouser leg in bloody tatters.
"COME BACK IN HERE!" he bellowed. "COME BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT!"
Sirius: Why should he? She deserved it!
But a reckless rage had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his wand, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon.
"She deserved it," Harry said, breathing very fast. "She deserved what she got. You keep away from me."
He fumbled behind him for the latch on the door.
"I'm going," Harry said. "I've had enough."
And in the next moment, he was out in the dark, quiet street, heaving his heavy trunk behind him, Hedwig's cage under his arm.
Remus: And that is the end of chapter two.
Katie: What do you guys think?
Peter: I think those two *pointing at Lily and James* are scaring me.
Lily: I think that I'm going to kill Petunia, Vernon, and Marge.
James: I think I'm going to help.
Sirius: *eating a mouse cookie* I think these cookies are good!
Katie: *bowing* Thank you, thank you very much. Now Imma sing some more carols for you!
*(sung to the chorus of 'Silver Bells')*
*Guy with sword…
Cops are bored…
Reporters stretch ou-ut the story…
Cops tackle him…
Thirty-four of them…
Don't worry, downtown's ok!*
OK, you guys know Lucius Malfoy, right?
James: Unfortunately.
Katie: Good. Well, in Harry's time he has a son named Draco.
Remus: He named his son Dragon?
Katie: Yes. Don't interrupt. Draco's awesome. He and Harry hate each other. This is part of a Christmas carol sung by him:
*(sung to the tune of 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer)*
I ran Potter over with my reindeer,
He was wandering the grounds on Christmas Eve.
I always did say Slytherin was better,
It wasn't my fault he did not believe.
Weasley got Potter's old broom
Because his broom wouldn't go.
I suppose it wasn't really his fault
His thrift-store broomstick was so slow!
James: *holding Lily back so she can't hurt Katie* Lily… she didn't make it up… stop trying to attack her…
Katie: *typing on her trusty laptop* 'K, James, you can let her go. She can't hurt me now.
Lily: *tries, but fails, to hurt Katie*
Remus: How do you do that? You can do practically anything with that laptop!
Katie: Yep! I told you, I'm the Author! I can do anything! *types more and lifts off the ground and hovers five feet above the ground* See?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A/N: Sorry the chapter isn't that good, I did it yesterday and today, and I've got to finish it right now because we're leaving to go to my relatives' house for Christmas! I hope that the bold turns out, I'm sorry if it doesn't all work out. Oh, and the 'I Ran Potter Over With My Reindeer' carol came from a story by Eliza Diawna Snape, who is a really good author, I recommend that you read her stories. I didn't make it up, and I do not claim ownership to it. Um… I think that's all for now, so please review! Happy Holidays!Reviewer Responses!
Avestia: Thank you! I updated soon, as you requested!
gabwr: Thank you! I prolly will keep going on it!
Sohalia Talitha: Thank you! I wrote more soon! Oh, don't worry… I won't kill Sirius. They might want to, but they won't seriously damage him. I'd kill of Peter, but it would totally screw Canon. And as much as this is off-Canon and the characters are OOC, I'd like to keep some realism. So… thank you!
A/N: In case you were wondering, baka is Japanese for stupid, chibi is Japanese for little, and gaki is Japanese for brat. I think. Correct me if I'm wrong. And this was typed up on Christmas, so there are Christmas references.
The Marauders and Lily were waiting for Katie the next day.
Sirius: I'm bored. When is Katie going to get here? I wanna read more of the books.
Katie: *walking in through the door to James' bedroom carrying the books, the laptop, and a plate covered in aluminum foil* Aww, you missed me? I'm right here.
Today Katie's wearing a black three-quarter length sleeve shirt and jeans. The shirt is moderately form-fitting, but not overly so. She's got the same shoes on, and today she's wearing dangly, sparkly earrings. (Yep, that's the outfit I'm wearing today!) Today she has hazel eyes.
James: Katie, why do you have eyes today? They were green before.
Katie: Contacts. Things that make it so you don't have to wear glasses, and that change your eye color This is my natural color, actually. Aren't contacts great? I'm hyper. I made Christmas cookies yesterday! ^_^ I ate a bunch too!
Sirius: Um… Katie… it's the middle of July… Christmas isn't for another five months…
Katie: Here it's July. Where I come from, it's Christmas Day. And I made the cutest cookies! And I brought some! *she takes the foil off the plate and there's a bunch of cookies, two kinds: ones with crushed peppermint candies on top, and ones that look like little mice* Can we sing Christmas carols?
Remus: What about the story?
Katie: We can do it later. I wanna sing Christmas carols! Here's one of my favorites:
Fa la la la la la la la la
Light a match and blow it clean.
Fa la la la la la la la la
Watch the school burn down to ashes,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Aren't you glad you played with matches?
Fa la la la la, Fa la la la la, Fa la la la la la la la la
Isn't it fun?
Sirius: I like it! Do you know any others?
Katie: Yep! I only know parts of some songs, though. Here's the first three verses of a well-known Christmas carol. Well, alright, it's changed. A lot. But here it is:
*On the fourth of November, the voters all agreed,
That it is still illegal to smoke weed!
On the second amendment, the voters seemed to say,
No, if you're gay,
And that it is still illegal to smoke weed!
On the third proposition, the ballot came to read,
Guns don't need locks,
No, if you're gay,
And that it is still illegal to smoke weed!*
Sirius: What's a gun?
Lily: A type of metal wand that Muggles use to kill each other.
Sirius: Oh.
Peter: Can we get to reading now?
Katie: *disappointed* Fine. But I still have more Christmas carols.
Remus: *crunching on a mouse cookie* I'll read this time!
Katie: *gives him the PoA book*
Peter: They can actually get up in the morning?
They were watching a brand-new television, a welcome-home-for-the-summer present for Dudley, who had been complaining loudly about the long walk between the fridge and the television in the living room.
James: Talk about a spoiled rotten brat.
Katie: Yep, definitely a baka chibi gaki.
Lily: Yep!
Dudley had spent most of the summer in the kitchen, his piggy little eyes fixed on the screen and his five chins wobbling as he ate continually.
James: Talk about fat… ew…
Katie: *nods* Il est très gros. *(Translation: He is very fat.)*
Remus: Oui, il est. *(Translation: Yes, he is.)*
Katie: Parlez-vous français, Remus?
Remus: *grinning* Oui!
Lily: For us non-bilingual people, can we get back to English?
Katie: *smirking* Non! *(I'm sure you can figure out what that means, if you can't, it means "No")*
Harry sat down between Dudley and Uncle Vernon, a large, beefy man with very little neck and a lot of mustache.
James: Now we see where Dudley gets it from.
Far from wishing Harry a happy birthday, none of the Dursleys made any sign that they had noticed Harry enter the room, but Harry was far too used to this to care.
Lily: How dare they?!
James: Lily, calm down. Wait to explode until you can kill Petunia.
Lily: *scowls*
He helped himself to a piece of toast and then looked up at the reporter on the television, who was halfway through a report on an escaped convict:
"…The public is warned that Black is armed and extremely dangerous. A special hot line has been set up, and any sighting of Black should be reported immediately."
Sirius: Black? As in me? I'm not dangerous! Or armed! Or an escaped convict!
Peter: *edges away from Sirius*
Katie: He's not dangerous now, Wormtail. You don't need to edge away from him like he's gonna explode.
"No need to tell us he's no good," snorted Uncle Vernon, staring over the top of his newspaper at the prisoner. "Look at the state of him, the filthy layabout! Look at his hair!"
Sirius: I take offense! My hair is perfectly fine, thank you very much!
Katie: *giggling* Did you even comb it this morning, Sirius?
Sirius: Well… kind of… THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
He shot a nasty look sideways at Harry, whose untidy hair had always been a source of great annoyance to Uncle Vernon. Compared to the man on the television, however, whose gaunt face was surrounded by a matted, elbow-length tangle, Harry felt very well groomed indeed.
Sirius: Well, excuuuuuuuuse me. My hair is not matted, nor elbow-length, nor tangled! And Prongs' hair is much worse than mine!
James: Live in your own fantasies, Padfoot.
Lily: What's with all the nicknames?
James: Why shouldn't we have nicknames, Flower?
Lily: Don't call me that, Jamie.
The reporter had reappeared.
"The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries will announce today –"
"Hang on!" barked Uncle Vernon, staring furiously at the reporter. "You didn't tell us where that maniac's escaped from! What use is that? Lunatic could be coming up the street right now!"
Sirius: Maniac?!
Katie: How do you know it's even you, Sirius?
Sirius: I don't. But it's an insult to anybody with the last name of Black. And it's obviously a big part of the book, right? So I'm betting it's me.
Aunt Petunia, who was bony and horse-faced, whipped around and peered intently out of the kitchen window. Harry knew Aunt Petunia would simply love to be the one to call the hot line number. She was the nosiest woman in the world and spent most of her life spying on the boring, law-abiding neighbors.
Lily: Yep, 'Tunia's the nosiest person in the world. It gets really annoying when you're trying to talk privately on the telephone.
Sirius: …telephone?
"When will they learn," said Uncle Vernon, pounding the table with his large purple fist, "that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?"
Sirius: Hmph!
"Very true," said Aunt Petunia, who was still squinting into next door's runner beans.
Uncle Vernon drained his teacup, glanced at his watch, and added, "I'd better be off in a minute, Petunia. Marge's train gets in at ten."
Harry, whose thoughts had been upstairs with the Broomstick Servicing Kit, was brought back to the earth with an unpleasant bump.
"Aunt Marge?" he blurted out. "She - she's not coming here, is she?"
Remus: He doesn't like 'Aunt Marge', huh?
Katie: Nope!
Aunt Marge was Uncle Vernon's sister. Even though she was not a blood relative of Harry's (whose mother had been Aunt Petunia's sister), he had been forced to call her "Aunt" all his life. Aunt Marge lived in the country, in a house with a large garden, and she bred bulldogs. She didn't often stay at Privet Drive, because she couldn't bear to leave her precious dogs, but each of her visits stood out horribly in Harry's mind.
At Dudley's fifth birthday party, Aunt Marge had whacked Harry around the shins with her walking stick to stop him from beating Dudley at musical statues. A few years later, she had turned up at Christmas with a computerized robot for Dudley and a box of dog biscuits for Harry. On her last visit, the year before Harry started at Hogwarts, Harry had accidentally trodden on the tail of her favorite dog. Ripper had chased Harry out into the garden and up a tree, and Aunt Marge had refused to call him off until past midnight. The memory of this incident still brought tears of laughter to Dudley's eyes.
Lily: My poor boy! I've got to kill Marge, then, too.
Remus: Some people like dog biscuits, you know.
Everybody except Remus: *stares at Remus*
Remus: Not me! I don't like them. I read it in a Muggle magazine.
"Marge'll be here for a week," Uncle Vernon snarled, "and while we're on the subject" – he pointed a fat finger threateningly at Harry – "we need to get a few things straight before I go and collect her."
Dudley smirked and withdrew his faze from the television. Watching Harry being bullied by Uncle Vernon was Dudley's favorite form of entertainment.
Lily: Baka chibi gaki. Doesn't he have anything better to do?
Katie: Who, Uncle Vernon or Dudley?
Lily: Both!
Katie: Apparently not.
"Firstly," growled Uncle Vernon, "you'll keep a civil tongue in your head when you're talking to Marge."
"All right," said Harry bitterly, "if she does when she's talking to me."
Peter: All right, Harry! You tell him!
"Secondly," said Uncle Vernon, acting as though he had not heard Harry's reply, "as Marge doesn't know anything about your abnormality, I don't want any – any funny stuff while she's here. You behave yourself, got me?
"I will if she does," said Harry through gritted teeth.
James: From what they've said about her, I bet she won't.
Katie: Got it in one.
"And thirdly," said Uncle Vernon, his mean little eyes now slits in his great purple face, "we've told Marge you attend St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys."
James: WHAT?
"What?" Harry yelled.
James: Um… yeah… *looking around* You don't all have to back away because I happen to think like my son does, you know!
"And you'll be sticking to that story, boy, or there'll be trouble," spat Uncle Vernon.
Lily: *growls*
Harry sat there, white faced and furious, staring at Uncle Vernon, hardly able to believe it. Aunt Marge coming for a week-long visit – it was the worst birthday present the Dursleys had ever given him, including that pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.
Katie: You know, socks are useful. Just ask Dumbledore. He likes socks.
Sirius: Er… right. And how do you know that?
Katie: *throws SS (or PS, depending on what country) at Sirius* It says in there.
"Well, Petunia," said Uncle Vernon, getting heavily to his feet, "I'll be off to the station, then. Want to come along for the ride, Dudders?"
Sirius: *cracking up* Dudders? How does he stand it?
"No," said Dudley, whose attention had returned to the television now that Uncle Vernon had finished threatening Harry.
"Duddy's got to make himself smart for his auntie," said Aunt Petunia, smoothing Dudley's think blond hair. "Mummy's bought him a lovely new bow tie."
James: It'd take more than a bow tie to make Dudley look smart.
Uncle Vernon clapped Dudley on his porky shoulder.
"See you in a bit, then," he said, and he left the kitchen.
Harry, who had been sitting in kind of a horrified trance, had a sudden idea. Abandoning his toast, he got quickly to his feet and followed Uncle Vernon to the front door.
Uncle Vernon was pulling on his car coat.
"I'm not taking you," he snarled as he turned to see Harry watching him.
Lily: DO NOT TALK TO MY SON THAT WAY!
"Like I wanted to come," said Harry coldly. "I want to ask you something."
Uncle Vernon eyed him suspiciously.
"Third years at Hog – at my school are allowed to visit the village sometimes," said Harry.
Peter: Hey, he has a good idea!
Katie: Peter, do you even know what the idea is?
Peter: Well… no… but I know it's good!
Katie: *sighs and rolls her eyes*
"So?" snapped Uncle Vernon, taking his car keys from a hook next to the door.
"I need you to sign the permission form," said Harry in a rush.
"And why should I do that?" sneered Uncle Vernon?
"Well," said Harry, choosing his words carefully, "it'll be hard work, pretending to Aunt Marge I go to that St. Whatsits – "
Katie: And that, Peter, is his plan.
Peter: I still don't get it.
Katie: *to the others* Is he always like this?
Remus: Yup.
Peter: Hey!
"St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys!" bellowed Uncle Vernon, and Harry was pleased to hear a definite note of panic in Uncle Vernon's voice.
"Exactly," said Harry, looking calmly up into Uncle Vernon's large, purple face. "It's a lot to remember. I'll have to make it sound convincing, won't I? What if I accidentally let something slip?"
"You'll get the stuffing knocked out of you, won't you?" roared Uncle Vernon, advancing on Harry with his fist raised. But Harry stood his ground.
Lily: HOW DARE YOU??????????
James: Lils. Calm down.
"Knocking the stuffing out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I could tell her," he said grimly.
Uncle Vernon stopped, his fist still raised, his face an ugly puce.
Katie: What color exactly is puce?
Remus: A really ugly green.
Katie: His face is green.
Remus: Seems like it, doesn't it?
"But if you sign my permission form," Harry went on quickly, "I swear I'll remember where I'm supposed to go to school, and I'll act like a Mug – like I'm normal and everything."
Katie: Now do you get it, Peter?
Peter: Yep!
Katie: Finally!
Harry could tell that Uncle Vernon was thinking it over, even if his teeth were bared and a vein was throbbing in his temple.
Sirius: His teeth are bared? What is he, a dog?
"Right," he snapped finally. "I shall monitor your behavior carefully during Marge's visit. If, at the end of it, you've toed the line and kept to the story, I'll sign your ruddy form."
He wheeled around, pulled open the front door, and slammed it so hard that one of the little panes of glass at the top fell out.
James: Tsk tsk tsk. Overly violent.
Harry didn't return to the kitchen. He went back upstairs to his bedroom. If he was going to act like a real Muggle, he'd better start now. Slowly and sadly he gathered up all his presents and his birthday cards and hid them under the loose floorboard with his homework.
Peter: Why does he have to hide his birthday cards?
Remus: I don't know. Maybe he's not allowed to have friends.
Then he went to Hedwig's cage. Errol seemed to have recovered;
Sirius: You can't recover if you're dead.
Remus: Sirius, for the last time, Errol wasn't, and isn't, dead!
Sirius: There's no need to take that tone with me, young man!
Katie: *cracking up* My God, Sirius, you sound like my mom when she's mad at my brothers!
he and Hedwig were both asleep, heads under their wings. Harry sighed, then poked them both awake.
Katie: *running around and poking people* Poke! Poke! Poke! *(Yes, I do go around and poke people. And I pull my friend's hair and say 'poke' too.)*
"Hedwig," he said gloomily, "you're gong to have to clear off for a week. Go with Errol. Ron'll look after you. I'll write him a note, explaining. And don't look at me like that" – Hedwig's large amber eyes were reproachful – "it's not my fault. It's the only way I'll be allowed to visit Hogsmeade with Ron and Hermione.
Ten minutes later, Errol and Hedwig (who had a note to Ron bound to her leg) soared out of the window and out of sight. Harry, now feeling thoroughly miserable, put the empty cage away inside the wardrobe.
But Harry didn't have long to brood. In next to no time, Aunt Petunia was shrieking up the stairs for Harry to come down and get ready to welcome their guest.
"Do something about your hair!" Aunt Petunia snapped as he reached the hall.
James: There's no point in trying to make this hair go flat. It just sticks up.
Harry couldn't see the point of trying to make his hair lie flat. Aunt Marge loved criticizing him, so the untidier he looked, the happier she would be.
All too soon, there was a crunch of gravel outside as Uncle Vernon's car pulled back into the driveway, then the clunk of the car doors and footsteps on the garden path.
"Get the door!" Aunt Petunia hissed at Harry.
Lily: Why don't you get it, you old bat?
A feeling of great gloom in his stomach, Harry pulled the door open.
On the threshold stood Aunt Marge. She was very like Uncle Vernon: large, beefy, and purple-faced, she even had a mustache, though not as bushy as his.
Peter: Ugh. She must look awful. Why would she want a mustache?
Katie: Because she's incredibly stupid?
In one hand she held an enormous suitcase, and tucked under the other was an old and evil-tempered bulldog.
"Where's my Dudders?" roared Aunt Marge. "Where's my neffy-poo?"
Everyone: *cracks up*
Dudley came waddling down the hall, his blond hair plastered flat to his fat head, a bow tie just visible under his many chins.
Sirius: That's supposed to make him look smart?
Aunt Marge thrust the suitcase into Harry's stomach, knocking the wind out of him,
Lily: DON'T DO THAT TO MY SON!
seized Dudley in a tight one-armed hug, and planted a large kiss on his cheek.
Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley only put up with Aunt Marge's hugs because he was well paid for it, and sure enough, when they broke apart, Dudley had a crisp twenty-pound note clutched in his fat fist.
James: A twenty-pound note? Who would want something that heavy?
Lily: It's a form of Muggle currency, James.
Katie: English Muggle currency. In America, we have dollars and cents instead of pounds and pence. And in Japan, they have yen, and I forgot what all the other countries have. Oh, and in France they have francs.
"Petunia!" shouted Aunt Marge, striding past Harry as though he was a hat stand. Aunt Marge and Aunt Petunia kissed,
Peter: Ewwwww.
Katie: *holding her head and muttering* Bad mental pictures, bad mental pictures. This reminds me of when Madonna and Britney Spears kissed. Ugh.
Remus: I'm not going to ask…
or rather, Aunt Marge bumped her large jaw against Aunt Petunia's bony cheekbone.
Lily: Well, at least they didn't really kiss.
Katie: Thank goodness, it would be horrible if they did. *muttering* Don't even think about it, Katie, don't think about it, don't think about it…
Uncle Vernon now came in, smiling jovially as he shut the door.
"Tea, Marge?" he said. "And what will Ripper take?"
"Ripper can have some tea out of my saucer," said Aunt Marge
James: The dog gets treated better than Harry does?
Lily: *breathing heavily* Petunia's going to pay.
as they all proceeded into the kitchen, leaving Harry alone in the hall with the suitcase. But Harry wasn't complaining, any excuse not to be with Aunt Marge was fine by him, so he began to heave the case upstairs into the spare bedroom, taking as long as he could.
Sirius: Smart boy. Must have gotten it from his mother.
By the time he got back to the kitchen, Aunt Marge had been supplied with tea and fruitcake,
Katie: Yuck. Fruitcake. I got candy today in my stocking! ^_^
and Ripper was lapping noisily in the corner. Harry saw Aunt Petunia wince slightly as specks of tea and drool flecked her clean floor. Aunt Petunia hated animals.
Lily: Haha!
"Who's looking after the other dogs, Marge?' Uncle Vernon asked.
"Oh, I've got Colonel Fubster managing them," boomed Aunt Marge. "He's retired now, good for him to have something to do. But I couldn't leave poor old Ripper. He pines if he's away from me."
James: Who would pine for her?
Peter: Not me!
Ripper began to growl again as Harry sat down. This directed Aunt Marge's attention to Harry for the first time.
"So!" she barked. "Still here, are you?"
"Yes," said Harry.
Lily: Unfortunately. Almost anywhere would have been better.
Katie: Not really. I mean, they don't really abuse him or anything, they just neglect him. You'd be surprised at the number of people who are badly abused when they're kids. Or when they're adults.
"Don't say 'yes' in that ungrateful tone," Aunt Marge growled. "It's damn good of Vernon and Petunia to keep you. Wouldn't have done it myself. You'd have gone straight to an orphanage if you'd been dumped on my doorstep."
Lily: An orphanage would have been better!
Harry was bursting to say that he'd rather leave in an orphanage than with the Dursleys, but the thought of the Hogsmeade form stopped him. He forced his face into a painful smile.
"Don't you smirk at me!" boomed Aunt Marge. "I can see you haven't improved since I last saw you. I hoped school would knock some manners into you."
Remus: She's the one who needs manners to be knocked into her! Harry's perfectly polite!
She took a large gulp of tea, wiped her mustache, and said, "Where is it that you send him, again, Vernon?"
"St. Brutus's," said Uncle Vernon promptly. "It's a first-rate institution for hopeless cases."
Lily: My son is not a hopeless case!
"I see," said Aunt Marge. "Do they use the cane at St. Brutus's, boy?" she barked across the table.
"Er – "
Uncle Vernon nodded curtly behind Aunt Marge's back.
"Yes," said Harry. Then, feeling he might as well do the thing properly, he added, "all the time."
Lily: Argh! He should not have to pretend that he gets beaten at his school!
Katie: Well, you know, he does get a fair amount of injuries at school. Last year he had all the bones in his arm removed.
Lily: That's different!
"Excellent," said Aunt Marge. "I won't have this namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not hitting people who deserve it. A good trashing is what's needed in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred.
Sirius: She's the one who needs it, not Harry.
Lily: Damn straight she does!
James: *smirking* Lily dearest, I didn't know you had such a big vocabulary!
Lily: Shut up, Potter.
Have you been beaten often?"
"Oh, yeah," said Harry, "loads of times."
Aunt Marge narrowed her eyes.
"I still don't like your tone, boy," she said. "If you can speak of your beatings in that casual way, they clearly aren't hitting you hard enough. Petunia, I'd write if I were you. Make it clear that you approve the use of extreme force in this boy's case."
Lily: *speechless with rage* How… how… how dare she…
James: Lily. Calm down. There's nothing you can do about it.
Perhaps Uncle Vernon was worried that Harry might forget their bargain; in any case, he changed the subject abruptly.
"Heard the news this morning, Marge? What about that escaped prisoner, eh?"
As Aunt Marge started to make herself at home, Harry caught himself thinking almost longingly of life at number four without her.
James: *growls*
Remus: She must be really bad, then.
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia usually encouraged Harry to stay out of their way, which Harry was only too happy to do. Aunt Marge, on the other hand, wanted Harry under her eye at all times, so that she could boom out suggestions for his improvement. She delighted in comparing Harry with Dudley, and took huge pleasure in buying Dudley expensive presents while glaring at Harry, as though daring him to ask why he hadn't got a present too.
Lily: *screams into a pillow*
Everybody except Lily: *stares at Lily, then backs away slowly*
She also kept throwing out dark hints about what made Harry such an unsatisfactory person.
"You mustn't blame yourself for the way the boy's turned out, Vernon," she said over lunch on the third day. "If there's something rotten on the inside, there's nothing anyone can do about it."
Lily: NOTHING IS WRONG WITH MY SON, INSIDE OR OUTSIDE!
Harry tried to concentrate on his food, but his hands shook and his face was starting to burn with anger. Remember the form, he told himself. Think about Hogsmeade. Don't say anything. Don't rise –
Katie: He's got a bad temper. Even worse than mine, and that's saying something. Only I don't do what he does, I use a bigger vocabulary than Lily's.
James: What does he do?
Katie: You'll see!
Aunt Marge reached for her glass of wine.
"It's one of the basic rules of breeding," she said. "You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, there'll be something wrong with the pup – "
Lily/James: Oh, she's crossed the line now.
At that moment, the wineglass Aunt Marge was holding exploded in her hand. Shards of glass flew in every direction and Aunt Marge sputtered and blinked, her great ruddy face dripping.
Sirius: He exploded a glass! I've done that!
Lily: Black! Shame on you!
Sirius: *sulking* It wasn't my fault.
"Marge!" squealed Aunt Petunia. "Marge, are you all right?"
"Not to worry," grunted Aunt Marge, mopping her face with her napkin. "Must have squeezed it too hard. Did the same thing at Colonel Fubster's the other day. No need to fuss, Petunia, I have a very firm grip…"
Peter: Firm grip, my foot. That was Harry, and you know it was too.
But Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were both looking at Harry suspiciously, so he decided he'd better skip dessert and escape from the table as soon as he could.
Sirius: Smart move.
Outside in the hall, he leaned against the wall, breathing deeply. It had been a long time since he'd lost control and made something explode. He couldn't afford to let it happen again. The Hogsmeade form wasn't the only thing at stake – if he carried on like that, he'd be in trouble with the Ministry of Magic.
James: He wouldn't get in trouble for losing control, would he? I've lost control and not gotten in trouble. Hell, even Lily's lost control, I still have the scar.
Lily: You provoked me, Potter.
Harry was still an underage wizard, and he was forbidden by wizard law to do magic outside school. His record wasn't exactly clean either. Only last summer he'd gotten an official warning that had stated quite clearly that if the Ministry got wind of any more magic in Privet Drive, Harry would face expulsion from Hogwarts.
Lily: What happened last summer? Why did he get an official warning?
Katie: It was in the book I gave one of you last time, you know, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Anyway, a house-elf exploded his aunt's big pudding cake thing. And he got blamed for it.
He heard the Dursleys leaving the table and hurried upstairs out of the way.
Harry got through the next three days by forcing himself to think about his Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Broomcare whenever Aunt Marge started on him. This worked quite well, though it seemed to give him a glazed look, because Aunt Marge started voicing the opinion that he was mentally subnormal.
Lily: He is not mentally subnormal! He is smarter and has more sense than you do!
At last, at long last, the final evening of Marge's stay arrived. Aunt Petunia cooked a fancy dinner and Uncle Vernon uncorked several bottles of wine. They got all the way through the soup and the salmon
Katie: I had salmon last night for dinner! It was really good! It had beurreblanc sauce on it!
Remus: White butter sauce?
Katie: Yep! It was really good, too!
without a single mention of Harry's faults; during the lemon meringue pie,
Katie: Mmmm… lemon meringue pie… that stuff's good…
Uncle Vernon bored them all with a long talk about Grunnings, his drill-making company;
Remus: *laughing* It's a pun!
then Aunt Petunia made coffee and Uncle Vernon brought out a bottle of brandy.
"Can I tempt you, Marge?"
Remus: Sure… make the evil aunt drunk so she pisses off Harry more…
Aunt Marge had already had quite a lot of wine. Her huge face was very red.
Remus: See?
"Just a small one, then," she chuckled. "A bit more than that… and a bit more… that's the ticket."
Lily: That's a small one?
Dudley was eating his fourth slice of pie.
Remus: Pig.
Katie: Oui.
Aunt Petunia was sipping coffee with her little finger sticking out. Harry really wanted to disappear into his bedroom, but he met Uncle Vernon's angry little eyes and knew he would have to sit it out.
James: Let him go to his room!
"Aah," said Aunt Marge, smacking her lips and putting the empty brandy glass back down. "Excellent nosh, Petunia. It's normally just a fry-up for me of an evening, with twelve dogs to look after…" She burped richly and patted her great tweed stomach. "Pardon me. But I do like to see a healthy-sized boy," she went on, winking at Dudley. "You'll be a proper-sized man, Dudders, like your father.
Lily: That's supposed to be a good thing, being that size?
Peter: Apparently.
Lily: That was rhetorical question, Pettigrew.
Yes, I'll have a spot more brandy, Vernon…"
"Now, this one here – "
She jerked her head at Harry who felt his stomach clench. The Handbook, he thought quickly.
"This one's got a mean, runty look about him. You get that with dogs. I had Colonel Fubster drown one last year. Ratty little thing it was. Weak. Underbred."
Katie: That's extreme animal cruelty! That's so mean! She could have given it to me!
Remus: Riiiiiiiiight… you realize that she doesn't know you?
Katie: So?
Harry was trying to remember page twelve of his book: A Charm to Cure Reluctant Reversers.
"It all comes down to blood, as I was saying the other day. Bad blood will out. Now, I'm saying nothing against your family, Petunia" – she patted Aunt Petunia's bony hand with her shovel-like one – "but your sister was a bad egg. They turn up in the best families. Then she ran off with a wastrel and here's the result right in front of us."
Lily: *fuming* I am not a bad egg! And James is not a wastrel! Oh, Marge is going to die.
James: I'll help you kill her, too.
Katie: Can I help? Pretty pretty please?
Lily: Sure! I think after we finish this book, I'm going to invite all of you over to my house so we can freak out Petunia before we kill her.
Harry was staring at his plate, a funny ringing in his ears. Grasp your broom firmly by the tail, he thought. But he couldn't remember what came next. Aunt Marge's voice seemed to be boring into him like one of Uncle Vernon's drills.
Peter: *wincing* That's got to hurt…
Katie: *rolling her eyes* It's an expression, Peter. Jeez, you're as bad as my friend when I tell her 'bite me'. *(no names, to protect the not-so-innocent! 'friend', you know who you are!)*
"This Potter," said Aunt Marge loudly, seizing the brandy bottle and splashing more into her glass and over the tablecloth, "you never told me what he did?"
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were looking extremely tense. Dudley had even looked from his pie to gape at his parents.
"He – didn't work," said Uncle Vernon, with half a glance at Harry. "Unemployed."
James: I'm going to have a better job than you do! I already work some days in the summer!
Katie: I volunteer at the Humane Society! Does that count as a job?
James: Katie, you're worse than Sirius is.
Katie: *beaming* Thanks!
James: That wasn't a compliment.
Sirius: Hey!
"As I expected!" said Aunt Marge, taking a huge swig of brandy and wiping her chin on her sleeve. "A no-account, good-for-nothing, lazy scrounger who – "
James: *fuming* I AM NOT!
"He was not," said Harry suddenly. The table went very quiet. Harry was shaking all over. He had never felt so angry in his life.
James: That's my boy! You tell 'em!
"MORE BRANDY!" yelled Uncle Vernon, who had gone very white. He emptied into Aunt Marge's glass. "You, boy," he snarled at Harry. "Go to bed, go on – "
"No, Vernon," hiccupped Aunt Marge, holding up a hand, her tiny bloodshot eyes fixed on Harry's. "Go on, boy, go on. Proud of your parents, are you? They go and get themselves killed in a car crash (drunk, I expect) – "
James: We did NOT die in a car crash! And I would never be drunk while Lily was driving the car, since she knows how to and I don't. I've only been drunk once!
Sirius: *sniggering* Or twice…
Remus: *smiling* Or three times…
James: Oh, shut up.
Lily: James!
"They didn't die in a car crash!" said Harry, who found himself on his feet.
"They died in a car crash, you nasty little liar, and left you to be a burden on their decent, hardworking relatives!" screamed Aunt Marge, swelling with fury. "You are an insolent, ungrateful little – "
James: *standing up* You… you… bitch… I'm going to get you for that.
Lily: *standing up too* Yeah!
Katie: James, Lily, sit down.
But Aunt Marge suddenly stopped speaking. For a moment, it looked as though words had failed her. She seemed to be swelling with inexpressible anger – but the swelling didn't stop. Her great red face started to expand, her tiny eyes bulged, and her mouth stretched too tightly for speech – next seconds, several buttons had just burst from her tweed jacket and pinged off the walls – she was inflating like a monstrous balloon, her stomach bursting free of her tweed waistband, each of her fingers blowing up like a salami –
Sirius: Yeah! He blew up his aunt!
Lily: Once Harry exists, I'm going to punish him for that!
James: Lily, it won't have happened yet. And aren't you glad that he did that?
Lily: Well… yeah… but still!
"MARGE!" yelled Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia together as Aunt Marge's whole body began to rise off her chair toward the ceiling. She was entirely round, now, like a vast life buoy with piggy eyes, and her hands and feet stuck out weirdly as she drifted up into the air, making apoplectic popping noises.
Katie: Aunt Marge balloons, only five galleons each! Get 'em while they're cheap!
Ripper came skidding into the room, barking madly.
"NOOOOOOO!"
Uncle Vernon seized one of Marge's feet and tried to pull her down again, but was almost lifted from the floor himself. A second later, Ripper leapt forward and sank his teeth into Uncle Vernon's leg.
Everyone: *cracks up*
Lily: He got what he deserved! Or part of it, anyway… I'm still going to kill him…
Harry tore from the dining room before anyone could stop him, heading for the cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard door burst magically open as he reached it. In seconds, he had heaved his trunk to the front door. He sprinted upstairs and threw himself under the bed, wrenching up the loose floorboard, and grabbed his pillowcase full of his books and birthday presents. He wriggled out, seized Hedwig's empty cage, and dashed back downstairs to his trunk, just as Uncle Vernon burst out of the dining room, his trouser leg in bloody tatters.
"COME BACK IN HERE!" he bellowed. "COME BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT!"
Sirius: Why should he? She deserved it!
But a reckless rage had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his wand, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon.
"She deserved it," Harry said, breathing very fast. "She deserved what she got. You keep away from me."
He fumbled behind him for the latch on the door.
"I'm going," Harry said. "I've had enough."
And in the next moment, he was out in the dark, quiet street, heaving his heavy trunk behind him, Hedwig's cage under his arm.
Remus: And that is the end of chapter two.
Katie: What do you guys think?
Peter: I think those two *pointing at Lily and James* are scaring me.
Lily: I think that I'm going to kill Petunia, Vernon, and Marge.
James: I think I'm going to help.
Sirius: *eating a mouse cookie* I think these cookies are good!
Katie: *bowing* Thank you, thank you very much. Now Imma sing some more carols for you!
*(sung to the chorus of 'Silver Bells')*
*Guy with sword…
Cops are bored…
Reporters stretch ou-ut the story…
Cops tackle him…
Thirty-four of them…
Don't worry, downtown's ok!*
OK, you guys know Lucius Malfoy, right?
James: Unfortunately.
Katie: Good. Well, in Harry's time he has a son named Draco.
Remus: He named his son Dragon?
Katie: Yes. Don't interrupt. Draco's awesome. He and Harry hate each other. This is part of a Christmas carol sung by him:
I ran Potter over with my reindeer,
He was wandering the grounds on Christmas Eve.
I always did say Slytherin was better,
It wasn't my fault he did not believe.
Weasley got Potter's old broom
Because his broom wouldn't go.
I suppose it wasn't really his fault
His thrift-store broomstick was so slow!
Katie: *typing on her trusty laptop* 'K, James, you can let her go. She can't hurt me now.
Lily: *tries, but fails, to hurt Katie*
Remus: How do you do that? You can do practically anything with that laptop!
Katie: Yep! I told you, I'm the Author! I can do anything! *types more and lifts off the ground and hovers five feet above the ground* See?
A/N: Sorry the chapter isn't that good, I did it yesterday and today, and I've got to finish it right now because we're leaving to go to my relatives' house for Christmas! I hope that the bold turns out, I'm sorry if it doesn't all work out. Oh, and the 'I Ran Potter Over With My Reindeer' carol came from a story by Eliza Diawna Snape, who is a really good author, I recommend that you read her stories. I didn't make it up, and I do not claim ownership to it. Um… I think that's all for now, so please review! Happy Holidays!
gabwr: Thank you! I prolly will keep going on it!
Sohalia Talitha: Thank you! I wrote more soon! Oh, don't worry… I won't kill Sirius. They might want to, but they won't seriously damage him. I'd kill of Peter, but it would totally screw Canon. And as much as this is off-Canon and the characters are OOC, I'd like to keep some realism. So… thank you!