Finally. I'm back. I've been writing this for ages, and I hadn't finished it 'til now. I'm soooooooooo sorry for the long wait. I know I haven't updated in months, almost a year, and I'm REALLY sorry. I'm back in school now, and I get at least 5 hours of homework a day, on average (no kidding. And I'm still in middle school. x.x)
Oh, and before I forget – I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING EXCEPT KATIE. NOT THE STORY, NOT THE CHARACTERS. I ONLY OWN KATIE.
Soooo… On with the story!
The next day, the gang was waiting at James' house once again. And once again, Katie came out of a blue, swirling portal thingy in the wall.
Katie: Hey! It's been so long since I've seen you guys!
Everyone else: o.O It's been a whole day since you last saw us, Katie…
Katie: Not where I come from. It's been… almost a year since I last came. It's now Christmas, and it was Christmas the last time I came. So there. sticks out tongue
Lily: Uh… ok then… --;
Katie: Yep. Now who wants to read this time?
Peter: I do!
Everyone else: stares You can read?
Peter: Well… no… but I wanna read anyway!
Everyone else: o.O
Katie: No, you can't read this book. It's sacred. I guess only Lily and I can read it, since girls are so much more special than boys, and only special people can read PoA. So mna.
Sirius: OK…HEY! That wasn't very nice!
Katie: …What's your point?
Sirius: ::sweatdrops::
Remus: ::impatiently:: Now that that's settled, can we please read the book again?
Katie: ::looks disappointed:: But, Remus, I was having fun being mean!
James: He's right, Katie. I want to hear what happens to Harry next!
Katie: ::makes a face:: Fine. gives PoA to Lily Read away.
Lily: 'Kay!
Harry was several streets away before he collapsed onto a low wall on Magnolia Crescent, panting from the effort of dragging his trunk. He sat quite still, anger still surging through him, listening to the frantic thumping of his heart.
Remus: Well, the author of this book certainly has a good writing style. Lots of detail.
James: ::blinks:: Why do you even pay attention to that stuff, Moony? My son is on the streets at night and he just blew up his aunt!
Remus: Well, sorr-EE for being smart!
Katie: Yeah, James, he's just being smart! And you're not being very nice…
James: ::rolls eyes:: Sorry, O Great Katie.
Katie: You should say sorry to Remus. Not to me.
James: ::sighs:: Sorry, Moony.
But after ten minutes alone in the dark street, a new emotion overtook him: panic. Whichever way he looked at it, he had never been in a worse fix. He was stranded, quite alone, in the dark Muggle world, with absolutely nowhere to go. And the worst of it was, he had just done serious magic, which meant that he was almost certainly expelled from Hogwarts. He had broken the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry so badly, he was surprised Ministry of Magic officials weren't swooping down on him where he sat.
Lily: He did break the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry quite badly, you know. Blowing up his aunt was not a smart decision. I'm so going to punish him as soon as he's born.
Katie: Uh, Lils? You die when he's a year old. You can't exactly ground a newborn.
Lily: …Oh, yeah…
Harry shivered and looked up and down Magnolia Crescent. What was going to happen to him? Would he be arrested, or would he simply be outlawed from the wizarding world? He thought of Ron and Hermione, and his heart sunk even lower. Harry was sure that, criminal or not, Ron and Hermione would want to help him now, but they were both abroad, and with Hedwig gone, he had no means of contacting him.
Peter: Why aren't we in the story yet? We'd be his godfathers, right? Or at least in contact with him, right?
Katie: ::scowls:: Well, I'm not going to spoil the 'surprise', but I can guarantee that nobody's going to like it.
Sirius: C'mon, tell us! I wanna know! Pweeze?
Katie: No. Now hush up and let Lily read.
He didn't have any Muggle money, either. There was a little wizard gold in the money bag at the bottom of his trunk, but the rest of the fortune was stored in a vault at Gringotts Wizarding Bank in London.
Lily: You really are rich, aren't you, Potter? A fortune?
James: Not 'rich', exactly. Just… extremely well off.
Sirius: Yeah, right, Prongs. Lily, he's rich.
Unless…
Remus: Unless what?
Lily: If you would stop interrupting and let me read, you would find out and not have to wait!
He looked down at his wand, which he was still clutching in his hand. If he was already expelled (his heart was now thumping painfully fast), a bit more magic couldn't hurt. He had the Invisibility Cloak he had inherited from his father – what if he bewitched the trunk to make it feather-light, tied it to his broomstick, covered himself in the cloak, and flew to London?
Lily: James Potter, you have an Invisibility Cloak?! Those are really valuable, and really rare!
James: ::groans:: Why did J.K. Rowling have to put that into the book?
Katie: Because it's important to his life! How do you think he gets away with smuggling a dragon out of Hogwarts? Or how he gets to the Sorcerer's Stone? Or how he gets to the kitchens, or how he gets away with sneaking into the Restricted Section of the library? He uses the Invisibility Cloak!
James: He found out where the kitchens were? I'm impressed.
Katie: Well, actually, Hermione found out from Fred and George Weasley, and then she told him. So he didn't really find out himself.
Sirius: James, your kid is shameful. He didn't even find out where the kitchens were on his own?
Lily: Black, I'm warning you… one more insult and you won't live to see tomorrow…
Then he could get the rest of his money out of his vault and… begin his life as an outcast. It was a horrible prospect, but he couldn't sit on this wall forever, or he'd find himself trying to explain to Muggle police why he was out in the dead of night with a trunkful of spellbooks and a broomstick.
Lily: ::winces:: That'd be bad. Very bad.
Katie: Yes, yes it would. Luckily, he doesn't have to explain to the Muggle police anything.
Harry opened his trunk again and pushed the contents inside, looking for the Invisibility Cloak – but before he had found it, he straightened up suddenly, looking around him once more.
Remus: Why'd he stand back up? Wouldn't it be better to look for the cloak so that he could be invisible?A funny prickling on the back of his neck had made Harry feel he was being watched, but the street appeared to be deserted, and no lights shone from any of the large square houses.
Katie: You know what always confuses me? How people can tell if they're being watched. I don't get that.
He bent over his trunk again, but almost immediately stood up once more, his hand clenched on his wand. He had sensed rather than heard it: someone or something was standing in the narrow gap between the garage and the fence behind him. Harry squinted at the black alleyway. If only it would move, then he'd know whether it was just a stray cat or – something else.
Peter: It's probably Sirius, checking up on Harry.
Lily: …
Sirius: Shut up, Peter. Evans, he's just being… himself, making up nonsense.
Peter: Uh… yeah… if you say so…
"Lumos," Harry muttered, and a light appeared at the end of his wand, almost dazzling him. He held it high over his head, and the pebble-dashed walls of number two suddenly sparkled; the garage door gleamed, and between them Harry saw, quite distinctly, the hulking outline of something very big, with wide, gleaming eyes.
Lily: I wonder what that could be…Peter: whispers to Sirius I told you it was you… you're the only one who would be that big and be around Harry…
Sirius: smacks Peter Just be quiet so Lily doesn't hear. Lily: Hear what?Sirius: Nooooooooothing…
Harry stepped backward. His legs hit his trunk and he tripped. His wand flew out of his hand as he flung an arm to break his fall, and he landed, hard, in the gutter –
Lily: Sirius, if that was you, however it could be, you're gonna DIE for making my baby fall and get hurt…
Sirius: Oooh, Evans, I'm real scared.
Lily: Good, you should be.
There was a deafening BANG, and Harry threw up his hands to shield his eyes against a sudden blinding light –
James: Did he die?
Katie: ::sweatdrops:: What made you think he died?
James: Well… there was a sudden bright light… like the light at the end of the tunnel…
Katie: …You're hopeless…
James: Look who's talking…
Katie: HEY! THAT WAS MEAN!
With a yell, he rolled back onto the pavement, just in time. A second later, a gigantic pair of wheels and headlights screeched to a halt exactly where Harry had just been lying. They belonged, as Harry saw when he raised his head, to a triple-decker, violently purple bus, which had appeared out of thin air. Gold lettering over the windshield spelled The Knight Bus.
Lily: That's a scary thing, the Knight Bus.
James: ::shudders:: It is. It really is.
Sirius: …How is it scary? It's a bus, for heaven's sake!
Lily: Shut up, Black.
For a split second, Harry wondered if he had been knocked silly by his fall.
Katie: He's permanently knocked silly. And he has a bad temper problem.
James/Lily: Don't insult our son like that! ::glares::
Katie: ::giggles:: Why not? He has a temper problem, it's that simple. He went off on his friends in the fifth book. He was yelling and screaming at them just like the portrait of his mom. points at Sirius
Sirius: …How'd you know about my mum's painting?
Katie: ::rolls eyes:: Duh, Sirius, I can read.
Then a conductor in a purple uniform leapt out of the bus and began to speak loudly to the night.
Katie: Ewww. Purple.
Lily: What's wrong with purple?
Katie: It's too GIRLY! It's like PINK! AHHH! THE FLUFFY PINK BUNNIES ARE ATTACKING!!! RUN! HIDE!
Everyone else: O.O
Peter: The pink bunnies? I'm friends with those!
Everyone else: Riiiiiiiiiiiight…
"Welcome to the Knight Bus,
James: He has to take the KNIGHT BUS? Poor kid…
Sirius: Poor kid? That thing's awesome! You get to go about a million miles per hour and swerve and almost hit things and and and!
Katie: WEEEEEEEEEEE!
Remus: ;
emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. Just stick out your wand hand, step on board, and we can take you anywhere you want to go. My name is Stan Shunpike, and I will be your conductor this eve–"
Peter: Ning?
Lily: Wha?
Peter: ::rolls eyes:: Eve. Ning. Evening.
Lily: Whatever…
The conductor stopped abruptly. He had just caught sight of Harry, who was still sitting on the ground. Harry snatched up his wand again and scrambled to his feet. Close up, he saw that Stan Shunpike was only a few years older than he was, eighteen or nineteen at most, with large, protruding ears and quite a few pimples.
Lily: Ewww. I'd even take Potter over someone like that.
James: HEY! What's that supposed to mean?
Katie: I think she was complimenting you, stupid.
James/Lily: I'm/He's not stupid!
Katie: giggles Suuuuure he's not… of course not… and you guys aren't in love at all. At all…
"What were you doin' down there?" said Stan, dropping his professional manner.
Remus: Somebody needs to learn to speak properly…
"Fell over," said Harry.
"'Choo fall over for?" sniggered Stan.
"I didn't do it on purpose," said Harry, annoyed.
Lily: Duh, he didn't fall over on purpose. Why would you fall over on purpose?
One of the knees in his jeans was torn, and the hand he had thrown out to break his fall was bleeding.
James: ::gasps:: He's BLEEDING? How dare he?
Remus: He didn't MEAN to start bleed-
James: No, how dare Sirius make him fall!
Sirius: HEY! I didn't MEAN to make him fall!
Lily: ???
He suddenly remembered why he had fallen over and turned around quickly to stare at the alleyway between the garage and fence. The Knight Bus's headlamps were flooding it with light, and it was empty.
Sirius: Hey, where'd I go?
Lily: What do you mean, where'd you go? You were never there! Only a dog and a conductor on the Knight Bus were there!
Sirius: Erm… never mind…
"'Choo lookin' at?" said Stan.
"There was a big black thing," said Harry, pointing uncertainly into the gap. "Like a dog… but massive…"
Peter: Yep, it's Sirius!
James: ::covering Peter's mouth:: Lily, don't listen to him.
Lily: ::raising an eyebrow ::Suuuure, whatever… next thing you know, you'll all be saying you're illegal Animagi…
He looked around at Stan, whose mouth was slightly open. With a feeling of unease, Harry saw Stan's eyes move to the scar on Harry's forehead.
Remus: That can't be good.
Peter: Why not?
James: If you don't understand, I'm not going to explain it to you…
"Woss that on your 'ead?" said Stan abruptly.
"Nothing," said Harry quickly, flattening his hair over his scar. If the Ministry of Magic was looking for him, he didn't want to make it too easy for them.
James/Lily: Good boy!
Sirius: Geez, they're starting it again! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Woss your name?" Stan persisted.
Lily: Don't say 'Harry Potter'!
James: …HEY! What's wrong with his last name?
Lily: Because he's on the run from the Ministry, stupid.
James: Oooooooooooooooh… I GET IT!
Everyone else: --;
"Neville Longbottom," said Harry, saying the first name that came into his head.
Remus: Who's Neville Longbottom?
Katie: You'll see!
"So – so this bus," he went on quickly, hoping to distract Stan, "did you say it goes anywhere?"
Sirius: ::darkly:: Yeah, it goes anywhere… even to Knockturn Alley.
"Yep," said Stan proudly, "anywhere you like, long's it's on land. Can't do nuffink underwater. 'Ere," he said, looking suspicious again. "you did flag us down, dincha? Stuck out your wand 'and, dincha?"
Katie: He didn't. He did it on accident, stupido.
"Yes," said Harry quickly. "Listen, how much would it be to get to London?"
"Eleven Sickles," said Stan. "but for firteen you get 'ot chocolate, and for fifteen you get an 'ot water bottle an' a toofbrush in the color of your choice."
Katie/Sirius/James/Remus/Peter: I WANT HOT CHOCOLATE!
Lily: …Katie, get yourself hot chocolate and get some for them too… you're the Author, remember?
Katie: OH YEAH! I ALMOST FORGOT! THANKEE VERY MUCH, LILS!
Harry rummaged once more in his trunk, extracting his money bag, and shoved some gold into Stan's hand. He and Stan then lifted his trunk, with Hedwig's cage balanced on top, up the steps of the bus.
Katie: ::pouts:: That's different than the movie. That's SO not fair.
There were no seats; instead, half a dozen brass bedsteads stood beside the curtained windows. Candles were burning in brackets beside each bed, illuminating the wood-paneled walls.
Katie: Wouldn't that be kind of dangerous? I mean, wood-paneled walls and candles?
Lily: Nope. There's a little thing called 'magic' that keeps them from burning.
Katie: I knew that! ;
A tiny wizard in a nightcap at the end of the bus muttered, "Not now, thanks, I'm pickling some slugs" and rolled over in his sleep.
Remus: Ewww! Pickling slugs?! That's nasty!
Sirius: Moony, you DO realize that we have to use those in Potions, right?
Remus: But it's still GROSS!
"You 'ave this one," Stan whispered, shoving Harry's trunk under the bed right behind the driver, who was sitting in an armchair in front of the steering wheel. "This is our driver, Ernie Prang. This is Neville Longbottom, Ern."
Peter: I want an armchair! S'not fair!
Sirius: Come to think of it, I want an armchair too! Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatie!
Katie: Yes?
Sirius: Get us armchairs! NOW!
Katie: Nope, cos you didn't ask nicely!
Sirius: ::sulks:: Fine. Katie, dearest friend, will you PLEASE get Peter and me armchairs?
Katie: ::types up something and they all have armchairs:: Happy now?
Ernie Prang, an elderly wizard wearing very thick glasses, nodded to Harry, who nervously flattened his bangs again and sat down on his bed.
Take 'er away, Ern," said Stan, sitting in the armchair next to Ernie's.
Sirius: How come he gets an armchair too? We had to BEG for ours!
There was another tremendous BANG, and the next moment Harry found himself flat on his bed, thrown backward by the speed of the Knight Bus. Pulling himself up, Harry stared out of the dark window and saw that they were now bowling along a completely different street. Stan was watching Harry's stunned face with great enjoyment.
"This is where we was before you flagged us down," he said. "Where are we, Ern? Somewhere in Wales?"
"Ar," said Ernie.
Sirius: HE'S A PIRATE! ARRR!
Katie: IMMA PIRATE!
Sirius: …are not.
Katie: Are too!
Sirius: Not.
Katie: Too.
Sirius: Not.
Katie: Too.
Sirius: N-
Lily: SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!
Sirius/Katie: Yes, mum.
"How come the Muggles don't hear the bus?" said Harry.
"Them!" said Stan contemptuously. "Don' listen properly, do they? Don' look properly either. Never notice nuffink, they don'."
Katie: HMPH! I DUN LIKE THIS BOOK ANYMORE!
Lily: …Katie, you were the one who made us read it…
Katie: SO? Don't argue with me!
"Best go wake up Madam Marsh, Stan," said Ern. "We'll be in Abergavenny in a minute."
Katie: ::bouncing around:: This is a GOOD part! Just make me a promise, everybody – you have to promise not to kill anyone, alright? No killing people until the book is over. Then you can kill whomever you want.
Everybody except Katie: …whatever…
Stan passed Harry's bed and disappeared up a narrow wooden staircase. Harry was still looking out of the window, feeling increasingly nervous. Ernie didn't seem to have mastered the use of a steering wheel.
Sirius: Er… what's a steering wheel?
Lily: It's what they use to steer a car, Black. You really should take Muggle Studies.
Sirius: Oh, shut it. Just because I flunked out of it doesn't mean you can rub it in!
Lily: …you flunked out of Muggle Studies? ;
Sirius: Uhm… I shouldn't have said that…
The Knight Bus kept mounting the pavement, but it didn't hit anything; lines of lampposts, mailboxes, and trash cans jumped out of its way as it approached and back into position once it had passed.
James: FUN!
Stan came back downstairs, followed by a faintly green witch wrapped in a traveling cloak.
Peter: I'd be sick and green if I traveled far enough on that thing, too!
"'Ere you go, Madam Marsh," said Stan happily as Ern stamped on the brake and the beds slid a foot or so toward the front of the bus. Madam Marsh clamped a handkerchief to her mouth and tottered down the steps. Stan threw her bag out after her and rammed the doors shut; there was another loud BANG, and they were thundering down a narrow country lane, trees leaping out of the way.
Katie: How do they get from one place to a completely different place, all in a BANG? Why don't they secure the beds to one place? And WHY HAVEN'T I EVER TRAVELED ON THE KNIGHT BUS?
Remus: Err… magic, just because, and because you're a Muggle?
Katie: …shut up and don't remind me…
Remus: Well, you asked… ;
Harry wouldn't have been able to sleep even if he had been traveling on a bus that didn't keep banging loudly and jumping a hundred miles at a time. His stomach churned as he fell back to wondering what was going to happen to him, and whether the Dursleys had managed to get Aunt Marge off the ceiling yet.
James: I hope not. Lily's future brother-in-law has some mean relatives. She deserves to be stuck on the ceiling.
Stan had unfurled a copy of the Daily Prophet and was now reading with his tongue between his teeth. A large photograph of a sunken-faced man with long, matted hair blinked slowly at Harry from the front page. He looked strangely familiar.
Sirius: Is it me?
"That man!" Harry said, forgetting his troubles for a moment. "He was on the Muggle news!"
Sirius: HA! IT WAS ME!
Lily: You don't even know if it was you! How can you say it's you if it could just as easily be some stranger we don't know about?
Stanley turned to the front page and chuckled.
"Sirius Black," he said, nodding.
Sirius: I TOLD YOU SO! …wait, that's not a good thing, is it?
"'Course he was on the Muggle news, Neville, where you been?"
James: I still don't know who the real Neville is…
Katie: He's just somebody who Harry goes to school with. He's not very important, except for the fifth book, where he's kinda important.
He gave a superior sort of chuckle at the blank look on Harry's face, removed the front page, and handed it to Harry.
"You oughta read the papers more, Neville."
Lily: How can he read the papers more if he can't even do his homework without getting yelled at?
Harry held the paper up to the candlelight and read:
Black Still At Large
Sirius: HEY! I'M NOT A CONVICT! OR A FUGITIVE! GRR!
Lily: Well, apparently you are, so stop whining about it.
Peter: ::edges away from Sirius::
Katie: He's not a convict now, stupid.
Sirius Black, possibly the most infamous prisoner ever to be held in Azkaban fortress, is still eluding capture, the Ministry of Magic confirmed today.
Remus: You were being held in AZKABAN? Sirius, what did you DO?
Sirius: ::pale:: Azkaban? Only the REALLY evil people go there.
Katie: Yeah, and you go there for twelve years.
Sirius: Holy. Crap.
We are doing all we can to recapture Black," said the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, this morning, "and we beg the magical community to remain calm."
Remus: Why wouldn't they be calm? We all know Sirius wouldn't do anything bad, aside from harmless pranks, so why don't they?
Katie: Because there were eyewitnesses?
Remus: …yeah, that would do it…
Fudge has been criticized by some members of the International Federation of Warlocks for informing the Muggle Prime Minister of the crisis.
"Well, really, I had to, don't you know," said an irritable Fudge. "Black is mad. He's a danger to anyone who crosses him. I have the Prime Minister's assurance that he will not breathe a word of Black's true identity to anyone. And let's face it – who'd believe him if he did?"
Sirius: 'A danger to anyone who crosses him'? Me?
Katie: I think you're the only Sirius Black around here, Padfoot.
Lily: Will somebody PLEASE tell me what those nicknames mean?
Katie: Oh, you find out later in the book. What ALL the nicknames mean.
Remus: ::mutters so nobody else can hear:: Oh, shoot...
While Muggles have been told that Black is carrying a gun (a kind of metal wand that Muggles use to kill each other), the magical community lives in fear of a massacre like that of twelve years ago, when Black murdered thirteen people with a single curse.
Peter: ::widens eyes, looks at Sirius worriedly, and backs away::
James: Holy crap, Sirius, what were you THINKING?
Remus: Are you CRAZY, Sirius? Why would you even THINK of doing something like that?
Lily: With ONE curse? How'd you manage that? Err… I mean, that was very bad, Sirius. You shouldn't have done that.
Katie: May I remind everyone that they promised not to kill anyone until the last book?
Harry looked into the shadowed eyes of Sirius Black, the only part of the sunken face that seemed alive. Harry had never met a vampire, but he had seen pictures of them in his Defense Against the Dark Arts classes, and Black, with his waxy white skin, looked just like one.
Remus: Siri doesn't look like a vampire!
James: How d'you know? Have you ever seen a vampire?
Sirius: …HEY!
"Scary-lookin' fing, inee?" said Stan, who had been watching Harry read.
Sirius: HEY! That's not very nice!
James: Well, you DID murder thirteen people with one curse… and got put into Azkaban for twelve years… so yes, I'd assume you look scary.
"He murdered thirteen people?" said Harry, handing the page back to Stan, "with one curse?"
"Yep," said Stan, "in front of witnesses an' all. Broad daylight. Big trouble it caused, dinnit, Ern?"
Sirius: Oh, come on. Even if I did murder thirteen people with one curse, I wouldn't do it in front of witnesses in broad daylight! Kaaaaaaaaaatie!
Katie: Yessir?
Sirius: Did I really murder thirteen people with one curse in front of witnesses in broad daylight?
Katie: Not gonna tell, not gonna tell, not gonna tell!
"Ar," said Ern darkly.
Sirius: SEE? HE'S A PIRATE!
Katie: Imma pirate!
Lily: STOP IT!
Stan swiveled in his armchair, his hands on the back, the better to look at Harry.
"Black woz a big supporter of You-Know-'Oo," he said.
"What, Voldemort?" said Harry, without thinking.
James: Who's Voldemort?
Peter: He's a Dark Lord who will later take over the world! Muahahahaha!
James/Sirius/Remus/Lily: O.O
Katie: OK, I'm going to make an exception. You can all kill Peter if you want to.
Peter: Eep!
Even Stan's pimples went white; Ern jerked the steering wheel so hard that a whole farmhouse had to jump aside to avoid the bus.
Remus: Wouldn't the people inside notice?
Katie: Apparently not.
"You outta your tree?" yelped Stan. "'Choo say 'is name for?"
"Sorry," said Harry hastily. "Sorry, I – I forgot – "
Katie: Psh, forgot? He ALWAYS says Voldie's name.
Peter: ::gasps:: You said his name!
Katie: Yeah, I said Voldemort's name. And what of it? I don't technically exist in this universe; this is an alternate universe. I don't exist here, so nobody can do anything to me!
"Forgot!" said Stan weakly. "Blimey, my 'heart's goin' that fast…"
"So – so Black was a supporter of You-Know-Who?" Harry prompted apologetically.
Sirius: WAS NOT.
Peter: WAS TOO.
Sirius: NOT.
Peter: TOO.
Lily: Shut up, both of you! Peter, you're worse than Katie.
Katie: NO HE'S NOT! HE'S A… ::realizes her mistake and shuts her mouth::
Peter: A what?
Katie: Nothing, nothing at all.
"Yeah," said Stan, still rubbing his chest. "Yeah, that's right. Very close to You-Know-'Oo, they say. Anyway, when little 'Arry Potter got the better of You-Know-'Oo –"
James: SIRIUS IS NOT A SUPPORTER OF… er… You-Know-Who!
Sirius: Damn straight!
Harry nervously flattened his bangs down again.
"- all You-Know-'Oo's supporters was tracked down, wasn't they, Ern? Most of 'em knew it was over, wiv You-Know-'Oo gone, and they came quiet. But not Sirius Black. I 'eard he thought 'e'd be second-in-command once You-Know-'Oo 'ad taken over.
Remus: Psh, yeah right. Why would Sirius want to be EVIL? He'd be just like his family then!
Sirius: Don't mention my family again, please.
"Anyway, they cornered Black in the middle of a street full of Muggles an' Black took out 'his wand and 'e blasted 'alf the street apart, an' a wizard got it, an' so did a dozen Muggles what got in the way. 'Orrible, eh? An' you know what Black did then?" Stan continued in a dramatic whisper.
James: What?
"What?" said Harry.
Everybody 'cept James: ::edges away 'cos he's once again acting like Harry::
James: ::looks around:: Whaaaaaat?
"Laughed," said Stan. "Jus' stood there an' laughed. An' when reinforcements from the Ministry of Magic got there, 'e went wiv 'em quiet as anyfink, still laughing 'is 'ead off. 'Cos 'e's mad, inee, Ern? Inee mad?"
Sirius: I'M NOT BLOODY MAD! WILL THOSE PEOPLE PLEASE GET IT THROUGH THEIR HEADS?!
"If he weren't when he went to Azkaban, he will be now," said Ern in his slow voice. "I'd blow meself up before I set foot in that place. Serves him right, mind you… after what he did…"
Remus: I'd blow myself up, too. Sirius, I think you would have gone mad in there, like it or not.
"They 'ad a job coverin' it up, din' they, Ern?" Stan said. "'Ole street blown up an' all them Muggles dead. What was it they said 'ad 'appened, Ern?"
"Gas explosion," grunted Ernie.
Lily: Psh, gas explosion? Even Muggles would know something happened!
"An' now 'e's out," said Stan, examining the newspaper picture of Black's gaunt face again. "Never been a breakout from Azkaban before, 'as there, Ern? Beats me 'ow 'e did it. Frightenin', eh? Mind, I don't fancy 'is chances against them Azkaban guards, eh, Ern?"
Sirius: Of course I'll be fine! I'm the awesome Super Sirius Black!
Lily: … x.x
Ernie suddenly shivered.
"Talk about summat else, Stan, there's a good lad. Them Azkaban guards give me the collywobbles."
Remus: I think they give everybody the 'collywobbles'. They're SCARY, even if you've never seen them in person.
Katie: I betcha I wouldn't be scared!
Remus: Bet you would.
Katie: Wouldn't.
Remus: Would.
Sirius: REMUS LUPIN! SHAME ON YOU! IT'S MY JOB TO ARGUE WITH KATIE!
Stan put the paper away reluctantly, and Harry leaned against the window of the Knight Bus, feeling worse than ever. He couldn't help imagining what Stan might bge telling his passengers in a few nights' time.
Lily: What, that he blew up his aunt? Who would know about that?
Katie: ::rolls eyes:: He think he's going to go to Azkaban, duh.
Lily: Ooooooooooooh…
"'Ear about that 'Arry Potter? Blew up 'is aunt! We 'ad 'im 'ere on the Knight Bus, di'n't we, Ern? 'E was tryin' to run for it…."
Lily: I told you!
He, Harry, had broken wizard law just like Sirius Black. Was inflating Aunt Marge bad enough to land him in Azkaban?
Katie: I told you!
Harry didn't know anything about the wizard prison, though everyone he'd ever heard speak of it did so in the same fearful tone. Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, had spent two months there only last year. Harry wouldn't soon forget the look of terror on Hagrid's face when he had been told where he was going, and Hagrid was one of the bravest people Harry knew.
Remus: Hagrid goes to Azkaban? Why?
Katie: Read the book, Chamber of Secrets, that I gave somebody last time. Then you'll know!
The Knight Bus rolled through the darkness, scattering bushes and wastebaskets, telephone booths and trees, and Harry lay, restless and miserable, on his feather bed. After a while, Stan remembered that Harry had paid for hot chocolate, but poured it all over Harry's pillow when the bus moved abruptly from Anglesea to Aberdeen. One by one, wizards and witches in dressing gowns and slippers descended from the upper floors to leave the bus. They all looked very pleased to go.
Sirius: Well, they have good reason to… the Knight Bus is SCARY!
Katie: Like dementors?
Sirius: …no.
Finally, Harry was the only passenger left.
"Right then, Neville," said Stan, clapping his hands, "whereabouts in London?"
Peter: Yeah, where IS he going?
James: Diagon Alley, I bet.
"Diagon Alley," said Harry.
Peter: STOP DOING THAT!
"Righto," said Stan. "'Old tight, then…"
Katie: OW. I have a sore throat.
Lily: And that relates to this HOW?
Katie: It doesn't. I just felt like complaining. So mna. Deal with it.
BANG.
Sirius: BANG!
They were thundering along Charing Cross Road. Harry sat up and watched buildings and benches squeezing themselves out of the Knight Bus's way. The sky was getting a little lighter. He would lie low for a couple of hours, go to Gringotts the moment it opened, then set off – where, he didn't know.
Katie: Duh, he should come and visit me… Then I could… ::looks at James and Lily::… Erm… I could be his friend! ;
Remus: Nice save, Katie.
Katie: Thanks!
Ern slammed on the brakes and the Knight Bus skidded to a halt in front of a small and shabby-looking pub, the Leaky Cauldron, behind which lay the magical entrance to Diagon Alley.
Katie: I wanna go to Diagon Alley. ::sulks::
Sirius: But you're not magic!
Katie: SO? Fine, rub it in, then!
"Thanks," Harry said to Ern.
Harry jumped down the steps and helped Stan lower his trunk and Hedwig's cage onto the pavement.
"Well," said Harry. "'Bye then!"
But Stan wasn't paying attention. Still standing in the doorway to the bus, he was goggling at the shadowy entrance to the Leaky Cauldron.
Katie: HAHA! I know who it is, and you don't!
James: ::sulks:: Stop making fun of us just 'cos we haven't read the book that hasn't come out yet!
"There you are, Harry," said a voice.
Katie: Dun dun DUN!!!! The plot thickens, as does the suspense!
Everyone else: ………..
Before Harry could turn, he felt a hand on his shoulder. At the same time, Stan shouted, "Blimey! Ern, come 'ere! Come 'ere!"
Peter: I bet it's someone important!
Sirius: No duh, Peter…
Harry looked up at the owner of the hand on his shoulder and felt a bucketful of ice cascade into his stomach – he had walked right into Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic himself.
Peter: SEE? It WAS somebody important!
Katie: Whatever… I still don't like you…
Stan leapt onto the pavement beside them.
"What didja call Neville, Minister?" he said excitedly.
Lily: His name isn't Neville! His name is Harry!
James: But Stan doesn't know that yet!
Lily: I don't care. He should know!
Fudge, a portly little man in a long, pinstriped cloak, looked cold and exhausted.
Katie: He deserves it, the prat. After what he made Harry go through in fifth year… terrible, terrible. ::pretends to dab eyes, smirking::
Lily: WHAT HAPPENED? AND WHY ARE YOU JOKING ABOUT IT?
"Neville?" he repeated, frowning. "This is Harry Potter."
Remus: Of course it is! How could it be somebody else?
"I knew it!" Stan shouted gleefully. "Ern! Ern! Guess 'oo Neville is, Ern! 'E's 'Arry Potter! I can see 'is scar!"
Katie: 'Gleefully' is a funny word…
Lily: Can you please be quiet and let me read? I want to see if my son gets sent to Azkaban or not!
Katie: Rawr!
Sirius: ::gleefully:: CATFIGHT!
Katie: Did I just type 'gleefully'? HELP! 'TIS THE APOCALYPSE!
"Yes," said Fudge testily, "well, I'm very glad the Knight Bus picked Harry up, but he and I need to step inside the Leaky Cauldron now…"
Fudge increased the pressure on Harry's shoulder, and Harry found himself being steered inside the pub. A stooping figure bearing a lantern appeared through the door behind the bar. It was Tom, the wizened, toothless landlord.
James: Tom? He's the barkeeper and landlord for the Leaky Cauldron even now! He's awesome. ::nods::
"You've got him, Minister!" said Tom. "Will you be wanting anything? Beer? Brandy?"
Katie: I'll have a brandy, thank you very much!
Lily: You're not old enough, Katie.
Katie: …shut up and stop being logical…
"Perhaps a pot of tea," said Fudge, who still hadn't let go of Harry.
James: Why is he not letting go of Harry? Is he afraid that Harry'll run away if he lets go?
Sirius: No, silly, he's afraid that if he lets Harry go, Harry will summon up an army of fluffy pink bunnies! Fudge is obviously scared of them!
Everyone else: O.O
James: Ooooooookay… who gave Sirius the sugar?
There was a loud scraping and puffing from behind them, and Stan and Ern appeared, carrying Harry's trunk and Hedwig's cage and looking around excitedly.
"'Ow come you di'n't tell us 'oo you are, eh, Neville?" said Stan, beaming at Harry, while Ernie's owlish peered interestedly over Stan's shoulder.
Remus: 'Cos he didn't want to be found, DUH!
Katie: Of course he didn't want to be caught! Jeez, they're all stupid in this book!
"And a private parlor, please, Tom," said Fudge pointedly.
"'Bye," Harry said miserably to Stan and Ern as Tom beckoned Fudge toward the passage that led from the bar.
"'Bye, Neville!" called Stan.
Lily: Stop calling my son 'Neville'! His name is Harry! ::has a fit::
Fudge marched Harry along the narrow passage after Tom's lantern, and then into a small parlor. Tom clicked his fingers, a fire burst into life in the grate, and he bowed himself out of the room.
"Sit down, Harry," said Fudge, indicating a chair by the fire.
Lily: What if Harry doesn't want to sit?
James: Calm down, Lils. There's nothing you can do about it now. He's not going to be born for a while. A loooong while. And we're going to be dead, if you remember.
Harry sat down, feeling goose bumps rising up his arms despite the glow of the fire. Fudge took off his pinstriped cloak and tossed it aside, then hitched up the trousers of his bottle-green suit and sat down opposite Harry.
Katie: I have goose bumps right now, but that's because I'm cold.
Sirius: Katie, I hate to tell you this, but it's July right now. It's 87 degrees outside, and it's warm inside as well. How can you be cold?
Katie: blinks Because it's Christmas in my time, and I'm only half here?
Sirius: Yeah, I guess that might do it…
"I am Cornelius Fudge, Harry. The Minister of Magic."
Remus: Have you noticed that we've gotten incredibly off-subject lately? We were talking about goose bumps and the word 'gleefully'. How off-subject can you get?
Harry already knew this, of course; he had seen Fudge once before, but as he was wearing his father's Invisibility Cloak at the time, Fudge wasn't to know that.
James: My son saw the Minister of Magic under the Invisibility Cloak and the Minister didn't notice? I'm so proud!
Tom the innkeeper reappeared, wearing an apron over his nightshirt and bearing a tray of tea and crumpets. He placed the tray on a table between Fudge and Harry and left the parlor, closing the door behind him.
Katie: I want tea and crumpets! Er…what are crumpets?
Lily: ;
"Well, Harry," said Fudge, pouring out tea, "you've all had us all in a right flap, I don't mind telling you. Running away from your aunt and uncle's house like that! I'd started to think… but you're safe, and that's what matters."
Remus: Secretive much?
Fudge buttered himself a crumpet and pushed the plate toward Harry.
"Eat, Harry, you look dead on your feet. Now then… You will be pleased to hear that we have dealt with the unfortunate blowing-up of Miss Marjorie Dursley. Two members of the Accidental Magic Reversal Department were dispatched to Privet Drive a few hours ago. Miss Dursley has been punctured and her memory has been modified. She has no recollection of the incident at all. So that's that, and no harm done."
Sirius: Damn, and I was hoping she would stay on the ceiling forever!
Fudge smiled at Harry over the rim of his teacup, rather like an uncle surveying a favorite nephew.
Lily: Well, he seems nice enough…
Katie: Well, I suppose it depends on your definition of 'nice'…
Lily: Why?
Katie: ::throws OotP at Lily:: Read that and you'll find out.
Harry, who couldn't believe his ears, opened his mouth to speak, couldn't think of anything to say, and closed it again.
Sirius: I dunno where he got that from – neither James nor Lily can keep their mouths shut…
James/Lily: HEY!
Sirius: Well, it's true…
"Ah, you're worrying about the reaction of your aunt and uncle?" said Fudge. "Well, I won't deny that they are extremely angry, Harry, but they are prepared to take you back next summer as long as you stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas and Easter holidays."
Lily: NO! DON'T SEND HIM BACK TO PETUNIA AND VERNON!
Katie: There's a good reason for that, you know…
Harry unstuck his throat.
"I always stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas and Easter holidays," he said, "and I don't ever want to go back to Privet Drive."
Peter: You tell him, Harry!
"Now, now, I'm sure you'll feel differently once you've calmed down," said Fudge ina worried tone. "They are your family, after all, and I'm sure you are fond of each other – er – very deep down."
Lily: ::snorts:: Psh, yeah right.
It didn't occur to Harry to put Fudge right. He was still waiting to hear what was to going to happen to him now.
"So all that remains," said Fudge, now buttering himself a second crumpet, "is to decide where you're going to spend the last two weeks of your vacation. I suggest you take a room here at the Leaky Cauldron and –"
James: Hang on, what about his punishment?
"Hang on," blurted Harry. "What about my punishment?"
Remus/Peter/Sirius/Lily/Katie: ::backs away::
James: Whaaaaaaaaaat? What about his punishment? Shouldn't he get one? He broke the law!
Fudge blinked.
"Punishment?"
"I broke the law!" Harry said. "The Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry!"
"Oh, my dear boy, we're not going to punish you for a little thing like that!" cried Fudge, waving his crumpet impatiently. "It was an accident! We don't send people to Azkaban just for blowing up their aunts!"
Sirius: They DON'T?
Remus: Don't even THINK about it, Sirius.
Sirius: But but but… Remus, they don't send people to Azkaban for it! Why can't I blow up my aunt?
Remus: Because it's NOT RIGHT!
Sirius: So?
But this didn't tally with Harry's past dealings with the Ministry of Magic.
"Last year, I got an official warning just because a house-elf smashed a pudding in my uncle's house!" he told Fudge, frowning. "The Ministry of Magic said I'd be expelled from Hogwarts if there was any more magic there!"
Lily: Hey, James, you wanna kill the Ministry of Magic with me?
James: Gladly…
Unless Harry's eyes were deceiving him, Fudge was suddenly looking awkward.
"Circumstances change, Harry…. We have to take into account… in the present climate… Surely you don't want to be expelled?"
Remus: Of course he doesn't!
"Of course I don't," said Harry.
James: SEE? IT'S CONTAGIOUS!
"Well then, what's all the fuss about?" laughed Fudge. "Now, have a crumpet, Harry, while I go and see if Tom's got a room for you."
Fudge strode out of the parlor and Harry stared after him. There was something extremely odd going on. Why had Fudge been waiting for him at the Leaky Cauldron, if not to punish him for what he'd done? And now Harry came to think of it, surely it wasn't usual for the Minister of Magic himself to get involved in matters of underage magic?
Sirius: The Minister of Magic didn't get involved when I broke the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry! I don't feel special now!
Fudge came back, accompanied by Tom the innkeeper.
"Room eleven's free, Harry," said Fudge. "I think you'll be very comfortable. Just one thing, and I'm sure you'll understand… I don't want you wandering of into Muggle London, all right? Keep to Diagon Alley. And you're to be back here before dark each night. Sure you'll understand. Tom will be keeping an eye on you for me."
Remus: Why does he have to stay in Diagon Alley and be back before dark?
Lily: Because there's a killer on the loose.
Sirius: ME!
Lily: Black, that's not a GOOD thing…
"Okay," said Harry slowly, "but why –?"
"Don't want to lose you again, do we?" said Fudge with a hearty laugh. "No, no… best we know where you are… I mean…"
Peter: You mean what?
Fudge cleared his throat loudly and picked up his pinstriped cloak.
"Well, I'll be off, plenty to do, you know…"
"Have you had any luck with Black yet?" Harry asked.
Sirius: HEY! My name is Sirius! Not Black! Honestly, James, Lily, can't your kid keep my name straight?
Fudge's finger slipped on the silver fastenings of his cloak.
"What's that? Oh, you've heard – well, no, not yet, but it's only a matter of time. The Azkaban guards have never yet failed… and they are angrier than I've ever seen them."
Peter: ::shudders:: I would hate to see that, seriously.
Fudge shuddered slightly.
"So, I'll say good-bye."
He held out his hand and Harry, shaking it, had a sudden idea.
"Er – Minister? Can I ask you something?"
Katie: Let's take bets! Who thinks they know what Harry is going to ask?
Lily: I know! He's going to ask whether or not Fudge can sign his slip to go to Hogsmeade!
Katie: You looked in the book, didn't you?
Lily: …So?
Katie: CHEATER CHEATER PUMPKIN EATER! Mna!
"Certianly," said Fudge with a smile.
"Well, third years at Hogwarts are allowed to visit Hogsmeade, but my aunt and uncle didn't sign the permission form. D'you think you could -?"
Lily: SEE? I WAS RIGHT!
Sirius: Yeah, 'cos you cheated.
Fudge was looking uncomfortable.
"Ah," he said. "No, no, I'm very sorry, Harry, but as I'm not your parent or guardian –"
James: But he's the Minister of Magic! If he gave Harry permission, then he would be able to go!
"But you're the Minister of Magic," said Harry eagerly. "If you gave me permission –"
"No, I'm sorry, Harry, but rules are rules," said Fudge flatly. "Perhaps you'll be able to visit Hogsmeade next year. In fact, I think it's best if you don't… yes… well, I'll be off. Enjoy your stay, Harry."
Katie: Still think that Fudge is nice, Lily?
Lily: …NO!
And with a last smile and shake of Harry's hand, Fudge left the room. Tom now moved forward, beaming at Harry.
Katie: How do you 'beam' at somebody? I don't get that…
"If you'll follow me, Mr. Potter," he said, "I've already taken your things up…"
James: Now that was nice. Imagine if Harry actually had to take up his own things – all by himself!
Katie: Yeah, imagine if Harry actually had to do some WORK! fake gasps
Harry followed Tom up a handsome wooden staircase to a door with a brass number eleven on it, which Tom unlocked and opened for him.
Inside was a very comfortable-looking bed, some highly polished oak furniture, a cheerfully crackling fire and, perched on top of the wardrobe –
Katie: Who wants to take bets on what it is? Lily, you don't count!
Lily: HMPH!
Sirius: I bet it's a FLUFFY PINK BUNNY OF DOOM!
James: x.x;
"Hedwig!" Harry gasped.
Sirius: ::disappointed:: Not a fluffy pink bunny of DOOM?
Remus: Evidently not.
The snowy owl clicked her beak and fluttered down onto Harry's arm.
"Very smart owl you've got there," chuckled Tom. "Arrived about five minutes after you did. If there's anything you need, Mr. Potter, don't hesitate to ask."
Sirius: Harry should ask if Tom has any cheese to eat.
Everyone else: …?
Sirius: ::looking around:: What? Cheese is good!
He gave another bow and left.
Harry sat on his bed for a long time, absentmindedly stroking Hedwig. The sky outside the window was changing rapidly from deep, velvety blue to cold, steely gray, and then, slowly to pink shot with gold. Harry could hardly believe that he'd left Privet Drive only a few hours ago, that he wasn't expelled, and that he was now facing two completely Dursley-free weeks.
James: YAY! NO DURSLEYS!
Lily: YAY!
"It's been a very weird night, Hedwig," he yawned.
Sirius: Yes it has! Blowing up an aunt, running away, and ending up in the Leaky Cauldron is certainly weird.
Remus: You can say that again…
Sirius: Yes it has! Blo-
Remus: interrupting Sirius, I didn't mean it LITERALLY!
Sirius: …Oh.
And without even removing his glasses, he slumped back onto his pillows and fell asleep.
Lily: And that's the end of the third chapter.
Katie: I betcha all the readers are pretty happy that I FINALLY finished. And on Christmas, too! Chipmunks roasting on an open fire, hot sauce dripping from their toes… Happy Christmahanukwanzadan to all! I love you all!
Sirius: Er, Katie, there's nobody here but us…
Katie: …shut up and say goodbye for now!
Everyone: Bye 'til next chapter!
And there you have it – another chapter. 29 pages in MSWord. It took me a whole year, but I hope it's to your satisfaction. Plus, I didn't work on it for, like, 10 months, and then I could barely work on it, period. It takes a LOT of time to type up the chapters.
Happy Christmahanukwanzadan to all, and to all a good night!