Hey guys!

I don't really know what I'm doing here, so humor me, ok? At first I was going with the "something alien happened at the SGC" thing, but then Sam started peeing in a cup (completely of her own volition, or rather Janet's) and...well, why do people pee in cups? Sure, there's all sorts of medical things, but there's also drug testing. So I went with that. And I don't know much about drugs and drug testing. So if I get it wrong, please scold me and I'll make it better. I'm not sure where the glowy rock thing is gonna fit in, but I'll put it somewhere.

Please review! My story feels so lonely...(sob)

Emilie :)

PS: Warnings: implied nudity: Sam takes a shower. Without clothes. But I don't...talk about it, ya know? And there is discussion of peeing. In cups. Only also not meant to be dirty. And drugs. I mention marijuana. (Wow, this is just full of horrible things, isn't it?)

CARTER:

Daniel, Teal'c and I step through the Stargate after the colonel. He's already walking towards the showers when the three of us step out of the wormhole and into the gateroom. What's unusual is how General Hammond isn't here to greet us: most of the time he's there with a smile and a "Welcome back, SG-1!" I admit, it's nice having someone welcome you when you come home.

"Colonel O'Neill?" says the gateroom technician, "General Hammond wants to speak with you in his office right away."

Uh-oh. This spells trouble, I think. The colonel's walked back into the gateroom to give the technician a thumbs-up, and begins to head the other way, up to the general's office. "Colonel?" I ask, and he says over his shoulder, "Go get cleaned up. I'll let you guys know about the debriefing later."

I nod: there's nothing I can do right now to help, except hope everything's okay. Daniel, Teal'c and I make our way to the showers, where we quickly get down to business. The planet we were on made us sweat heaps, and I'm glad for a cool shower. The boys, perfect gentlemen as always, wait politely in the locker room, while I hit the showers. Before I step behind the off-white curtain, they're talking about the glowing stone Daniel found on P6O-429, and when I finally feel clean and turn off the hard spray, the running-water sound is replaced by Teal'c saying, "It is possible the stone could have been a holy relic, much like the body parts of saints are holy for Christians on this world."

Daniel thinks about that one for a minute. "I don't know, Teal'c," he replies eventually, as I finish drying myself off and start to slip into my clothes. "If that were the case, it'd probably be in a public place of worship, don't you think?"

I walked into the locker room just as Teal'c said,"Unless the owner of the stone was very rich, and could afford costly holy relics." Teal'c looks smug, Daniel thoughtful.

"All yours, boys," I say. Teal'c still has the stone next to him. "Daniel, do you want me to take that to my lab?" I offer. "I should be done with it by lunch tomorrow at the latest, and then you can go to work."

"Uh—sure," he says, "Thanks."

I can tell he hasn't thought about me having to check it over for nasty surprises, even though I inspect anything more technologically advanced than a pot these days—ever since that incident involving Colonel O'Neill, the gateroom wall and "the orb," as those microscopic aliens called it.

Daniel and Teal'c gather up their soaps, shampoos and towels, and move into the shower room. I pick up the rock they've left behind, carrying it to my office.

TEAL'C

After an extremely relaxing shower, Daniel Jackson and I are ready to go to the infirmary to complete our post-mission check-ups. As I am almost always healthy because of my symbiote, Dr. Frasier usually finishes my check-up first, so I may do what I wish with my free time. Today, I will wait patiently for my comrade Daniel Jackson, partially because Dr. Frasier looks as if she is in a particularly bad mood on this occasion.

When I inquire as to the whereabouts as to our esteemed colleague Major Carter, I am told that she is "peeing in a cup." Why a doctor would want to look at urine when the patient is perfectly healthy is not clear, but I nod silently at the information.

Major Carter comes out very soon, I, too, am soon asked to "pee in a cup." I am told that this is to check that we are not taking illicit drugs which are illegal in this country. When I inquire as to where I would even manage to obtain illegal drugs, Daniel says, "Oh, well, I can hook you up with some, if you want, Teal'c." He is grinning, and Dr. Frasier glares at him. "Daniel," she says firmly, "it isn't a good idea just now to be talking about stuff like that." She then turns back to me, and says, "I certainly believe you when you say you haven't taken drugs, Teal'c. It's just a very common procedure that assures managers...politicians in this case...that their workers are in control of themselves."

"I see," I say, not seeing anything of the kind. What I see is that in this case we, the government, and Dr. Frasier are all spending valuable time and resources, which could be used for more useful things, to make people who have proven themselves over and over again deposit urine in a cup.

However, being stubborn will not do anything to alleviate this pointless situation, so I take the small cup and enter the toilet facilities provided for patients and staff in the infirmary. I emerge less than a minute later, with clean hands and a cup full of warm urine.

"Thanks, Teal'c," says Dr. Frasier. "I'll let you know the results as soon as I get them back."

"The results for any drug test will be negative, Dr. Frasier," I say staunchly.

Dr. Frasier smiles. "I know, Teal'c," she says, and adds, "you can go if you like; we're finished here."

"I will wait for Daniel Jackson," I say, and Dr. Frasier nods, and begins to give Daniel his check-up while I wait by the door.

JACK:

I knock on the door to the general's office, looking through the broad window showing where members of the SGC has been. The general looks up, and immediately his face becomes grimmer.

Uh-oh.

Whatever it is General Hammond wants me for, I'm afraid it's gonna be bad news for both of us.

He gives me the "come in" wave when he sees me looking at him. I enter the room, feeling like maybe I should be wearing my class-Bs right now.

"Sit down, Jack," the general says. I sit.

"Today I was ordered to search the lockers of all personell."

I frown. Violation of property, I think, but don't say it. I think there's enough stuff going on.

He takes out a small plastic bag, filled with dried herb stuff. "This was found in somebody's locker, Jack."

Hey, that looks like-- "Pot!" Hammond nods gravely.

"You'd think," I mutter, "that anyone smart enough to be in the Air Force would be smart enough to at least keep it at home."

Hammond doesn't crack a smile. "Would you care to guess where I found this, Jack?"

Hey, that sounds like he's setting me up for something... "Are you trying to say what I think you're trying to say?" Hammond doesn't say anything. Wow, he's so talkative today! What's gotten into him?

"General, my team doesn't do drugs!" I say forcefully. "They're smarter than that, each and every one of them! You should--"

"Jack," the general interrupts me, "I didn't find this in the lockers of Dr. Jackson, Teal'c or Major Carter." He looks straight at me. "It was found in yours, Jack."

Oh.

Oh.

"What!"

"Colonel O'Neill," he says formally, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to submit yourself and your home for search. If you resist, there will be consequences."

I'm speechless. How the hell could they suspect me of doing drugs? I'm pretty notorious in my dislike of anything that's at all addictive, be it a mental or a physical addiction. I also know that General Hammond has to follow through on this, even if he believes me, because otherwise it could mean his job as well as mine.

"General," I say finally, "you aren't gonna find any drugs on me, in me, or at my house. You know that."

"I sure hope so, son," he says. "for both our sakes. Will you allow yourself to be subjected to search?"

I close my eyes. This mess is giving me a headache. "Fine," I say.

"All right, son," he says gently. Is that a dismissal? I decide not to take it as one: I know as soon as I'm dismissed, I'm gonna be escorted to the infirmary by a guard, where I'll be poked and prodded not only for disease or injury, but drug use. Then I'll be escorted (what a great word that is) to the brig. Where I'll stay until the tests get back.

I just hope Janet doesn't have to send the tests out. If she does, I could be in there for a day or two.

"This has gotta be a set-up," I mutter.

I think about that. "General," I ask suddenly, "who wanted the SGC to be searched?"

"The President," he replies.

Yeah, right. I wonder who suggested this maneuver to the President?

"I know what you're thinking, son," Hammond says. "There's no evidence whatsoever that Senator Kinsey is involved."

I nod heavily. "You're not gonna find anything in my house," I say, "and if you do, it means I've been set up."

DANIEL:

Sam comes to my office about an hour after Janet lets me go, looking grim. "The colonel's in trouble," she says.

"What?" I ask, quickly abandoning my work and moving to the other side of my desk. "What's going on?"

She sighs. "Remember the drug tests we had to do earlier?" I nod. "Well, apparently they found marijuana in the Colonel's locker."

I blink. "That's gotta be a mistake," I say. "Jack hates that stuff. We've all heard him say it."

She nods slowly. "But the Colonel did smoke cigarettes at one point."

I snort. "Yeah, when he was suicidal. That doesn't mean he's using illegal drugs. He's not that stupid."

"He could be dealing it," says Sam.

I give her a shocked look. "Do you really believe he's doing something like this, with...drugs?"

She sighs. "No, Daniel. But I think we should figure out any reason he could have it, so if he comes up against it in an investigation he knows what to expect."

I close my eyes. "Does Jack know?"

She nods. "He's in the brig, Daniel."

"Well, let's go visit him," I say, quickly walking towards the door.

When we get to the brig, Jack is lying on the floor on his back, hands folded under his head, knees bent. "Comfortable?" I ask.

"Oh yeah," Jack says. "Nothing like concrete to ease your back troubles."

I sigh. "You do have a bed, you know."

"Yeah, but that's got lice, probably. Who wants that?"

"Well, actually," Sam cuts in, "lice like cleanliness. So... I'm pretty sure you're safe in that bed, Colonel."

He sneers at the ceiling. He hasn't actually looked at us yet. "That makes me feel so much better, Carter. You have no idea."

Sam smiles. "Anything to oblige, sir."

Jack sighs. "At the moment, I'm apparently a delinquent, and therefore until this mess is over, not your superior officer, Carter. You can dispense with the 'sir'.

"Yes, sir." I look over at Sam to see if she's joking. Her expression is serious, but she does have a little smile on her face. "We're gonna get you out of this, Sir."

Jack looks over at us, and says seriously, "I have faith that you will, Carter. Daniel." We nod.

Jack clears his throat. "Where's Teal'c?" he asks.

"He's watching Janet do those drug tests," says Sam. "He's fascinated."

Jack frowns. "They don't take very long if they're done here. What's taking her so long?"

Sam sighs. "She has to do those of every employee of the SGC except the cooks and janitors."

"I would have made a good janitor," Jack mutters.

"Hammond doesn't really believe you were into drugs, does he?" I ask worriedly. If General Hammond isn't on our side, it's gonna be a lot tougher for us to help Jack.

Jack nodded. "He doesn't think I put that stuff in my locker, but he still has to investigate it. It's possible some idiot cadet just put it in the wrong locker."

Sam says, "That's highly unlikely, Sir. I mean, we have our names on our lockers. And he'd recognize it if his stuff weren't in it. Unless--"

"He put it in deliberately, hoping that way the blame wouldn't be placed on him!" I say excitedly. "Maybe the other drug tests will catch somebody!"

"Well, I'm sure that's one reason why they're doing them, Danny," Jack says. "But even so, it doesn't mean the blame is off me if somebody else has traces of drugs in their pee. It just means they were doing drugs. Hell, maybe I'm a dealer, providing them with top quality weed."

I sigh. "Well, what do you suggest we do?"

Jack looks thoughtful. "Well, if we get proof that somebody else put that stuff in my locker, that'd be a start."

"The security cameras!" I blurt out. If we have footage of him in the locker room...

"Maybe," Sam says, but Jack's shaking his head.

"There're no cameras in there," Jack says. "Privacy."

"Well, that's stupid," I mutter, unhappy that my idea's a bust.

"We'll find a way," says Sam.

And we will, or I'm gonna have to beat up a marine just to get the stress out of my system.

Thank you for reading! Please review! My story will be happy and I'll write more and I'll even review YOUR story! Just review and then say you want me to read your story and I will and everything will be so fun! Yay reviewing!

Thanks to my mom, who explained how long urine drug tests take to get back from a lab. I've assumed in this that they have a place to test for it in the infirmary (or labs or somewhere) at the SGC; if they had to send it out to an external lab it would take about a day to get the results back, says Mom. Mom's a doctor. I love you Mom!