Reanimation

Elizabeth wasn't sure whether she had just done the wrong or the right thing. She was absolutely sure John was back and for her that was enough. She knew, though, deep in her heart that she had done it just to give back the trust John deserved, making sure he knew he was no longer trapped inside a terrible nightmare. He was given an opportunity to get back to normal. Elizabeth knew that he had a very long road ahead. It had to start somewhere, no matter the doubtful stares everyone had. Even Rodney was filled with doubt but he had decided to remain silent for now, quietly pushing the wheelchair back to the infirmary.

As soon as they were back in the infirmary Rodney helped Elizabeth into her bed, while Carson reattached an IV line and tucked her in, making sure she wasn't going anywhere any time soon. An uncomfortable silence accompanied their actions, and the trio stared at each other as if waiting for something. They all knew what was in each of their thoughts.

"Elizabeth has released Major Sheppard to his quarters." Rodney eventually broke the silence.

Carson gazed at Rodney in surprise and then turned to Elizabeth, "You did what? Why? How can you be..."

But Elizabeth cut him off, "I want to make something absolutely clear here. If anything should happen, I will claim full responsibility. It was, after all, my responsibility when he was kidnapped."

Hearing Elizabeth trying to take the blame of what had happened Rodney, in turn, cut her off, "You are not responsible for that."

"Yes, I am Rodney. And you know it. I didn't allow for you to return to the planet," Elizabeth's gave McKay a stern look, telling him not to argue the point. "But for now John needs us, and everyone must help in any way possible. I can understand that it won't be easy, he did hurt a few. But we can't turn our backs on him for something that was out of his hands… out of our hands."

Rodney sighed, knowing Elizabeth was right. He, after all, had seen it the moment he had talked with John. Carson didn't reply but stuck to nodding his head instead. The doctor knew Elizabeth was right.

"How's everybody?" Elizabeth subtly changed the subject away from John to Ignatius' victims.

Carson gave her a small smile, "Sgt. Stackhouse will be released tomorrow, while Airman Cortez may be released to his quarters the day after. Sgt. Hatfield is stable and recuperating and Dr. Heightmeyer will be ok."

Elizabeth sighed. It felt good to know that no one died because of Ignatius. She finally allowed her body and mind to relax, for the first time in so many days, and leaned back on her pillow. Carson and Rodney smiled as they watched her doze off into a dreamless sleep, finally allowing her to rest to the fullest.

-0-0-0-0-

John was numb. Numb when they had escorted him to his room. Numb when he had walked in and discovered that the room was still intact. Numb when a couple of days later Rodney, Teyla and Ford had come by his room to visit and to tell him that Elizabeth had been released from the infirmary. To inform him that everyone still confined to the infirmary was recuperating well and would be ok.

He still felt numb when a week later Elizabeth had walked into his room to talk about what happened. He had talked... a bit anyways and somehow they had come to terms, making it possible for him to move freely around Atlantis. He knew they would have to talk again someday, since this kind of event was not easily forgotten.

John had managed to get his hands on a razor and had shaved at the first opportunity he had gotten. Seeing his face with the beard felt like giving Ignatius a face, which was something to remember him by and as a result hate himself.

The numbness only got worse every time he passed by someone he had hurt. He had managed to make a public apology for what had happened and no one had shown any signs of anger or resentment towards John. In fact after he was allowed to live normally, everyone on base took a moment to let him know that he was welcome and still one of their own. He appreciated the way they handled him, especially those close to him, at any chance possible Teyla would make an appointment to train with him in order to keep his mind occupied. Ford and most of the soldiers had taken the task of recreation, calling him to movies, poker games and anything fun related. Sometimes some of the scientist would join in the poker games or in heated discussions over sport-related topics.

Rodney had taken the task of checking on him once in a while to make sure John didn't spent too much time alone. Elizabeth kept her distance for a while, she mostly joined him for lunch or dinner to make sure everything was ok. But as much as everyone tried, John had managed to completely evade Kate Heightmeyer.

John knew she had talked with everyone close to him, and he was sure that she had employed Rodney as his shadow.

There were times that John felt like nothing of it had really happened and it had just been an ugly nightmare. Everyone was ok, and the Genii never caught him. But then there were the bad days, when he barely walked out of his room. And when he did, he felt like everyone was just waiting for him to break, to become Ignatius once again.

It had been 3 months since he had come through the gate calling himself Ignatius. He was still jobless and hiding. Currently he had picked a particular spot out in his room, the floor between the bed and the wall. If anyone walked in, John was sure they wouldn't see him there and would walk away again.

At that moment the door opened and Elizabeth's voice could be heard, "Good Morning John."

John didn't move nor look at her when he replied, "How did you know I was here?"

Elizabeth sighed, the smile gracing her features pouring itself into her voice as she answered, "Because I can see your feet."

John sat up, looked at Elizabeth and then down to his feet, which were sticking out at the end where his bed stopped. He shrugged and got up to sit on the bed instead.

Elizabeth moved further into the room and looked around. The wall, which with once held a Johnny Cash poster, was now stripped bare and the poster lay crumpled in a corner on top of a cardboard box, which seemed to hold a couple of John's personal belongings. Now that she noticed, she realized there was nothing around the room that could tell her it was in fact the room of Major John Sheppard. The desk was empty and the bed was unmade. It hit her that it felt as if John had had a recent outburst, including a broken picture sticking out of the box. Elizabeth grabbed a nearby chair and sat down in front of John, "How much longer?"

John stared at her in confusion, "What?"

"How long until you stop pitying yourself?"

John lowered his head and answered a bit annoyed, "Elizabeth, not again!"

Her face was set and determined, "You need to talk about it! John, believe me, once you let it all out, it'll be much easier to let go. It's been three months, I'm not pretending that you have to get better tomorrow, but at least I want to see you doing something about it!"

John felt anger rise with every passing second, "It's really easy to say it..."

Elizabeth cut him off, "Then do it! Let it out! It has to be better than wallowing in self pity all day!"

At that point John snapped, and shouted as he stood up, "And what do you want me to do? You want me to tell you and everyone else that I remember everything, that I can remember every single detail Kolya did to me! That I remember shooting Rodney, Ford, Bates and the list goes on! That I remember that I tried to kill you and that I came really close to actually succeed! Is that what you want me to say? Well there, you just heard it! Why don't you just leave me alone from now on?"

Elizabeth sighed and stood up, facing John, "John, do I have to remind you that you already apologized to everyone when you didn't have to. And that all those people understand. I know for sure that no one is holding a grudge against you. They still want to work with you. Yes, it won't be easy. Yes, it might be awkward at times, but in time you'll see that things can get better."

Elizabeth noticed John relaxing a bit, and she continued, "John, you don't have to do this alone. I am your friend and even though you can be annoying and stubborn at times, I would really like to see you back on duty. Who else but you is going to keep Ford from naming things or keep Rodney in check while being off-world? Just look around and you'll find that there are a lot of people in this city that care for you and are willing to help you through this. All you have to do is give them a chance. I know I did, because if I hadn't you would still be trapped inside the cell on the brig."

Elizabeth could tell from his face John was touched by what she had said. But then he shook his head, "I'm sorry, Elizabeth, but I don't think anyone can save me now." He turned around, and stormed out of his room.