June 25th, Tuesday

Startling discoveries: 1; events we all awaited for a year that finally arrived: 1; hours spent crying: 2; hours spent walking down memory lane: 3; butterbeers (to cheer me up and distract from memory lane): 9; butterbeers I threw up again: 9; body temperature: 39; people fretting over me: 3 (one more person comes in to lecture me about the stupidity of drinking butterbeer when sick, and I'll cry); mysterious heirlooms from dead cousin: 1

Day already started out bad, with said event and said startling discovery. Woke up by the sound of an owl tapping on my window. Let her in and untied a very official looking letter. Came from a London attorney in the name of Black and told me that my cousin Sirius Black, whose name had been cleared this spring, had mentioned me in his will. Enveloped copy of said will didn't tell me anything, for it was written in this complicated official language I never seem to get. But there was a letter along with it, and when I opened it, I nearly fell out of bed.

Dear Tonks,

It read

When you get this, I'll be dead. If I'm dead and you don't get this, then you're dead too. In case any of this happens, I just want you to know you're my favourite cousin. I really enjoyed spending time with you here, and you, knowing my family, could understand what I felt here in this house. I have to say that I admire your work for the order, and your willingness to give so much instead of amusing yourself with things others your age would approve of. Still, don't work too much. Go out from time to time, and get yourself a nice man who really deserves you. Meanwhile, to help you relax, I'll leave you something that always gave me peace and new power: My secret garden. (Yes, I'm a little mad, but not completely off my rocker.) You'll find its location from my room, that I tell you, and to open it, you just have to conjure up a single flower and place it at the entrance, once you've found it. You're free to spend as much time there as you want, and also free to invite friends. The rule to be there is: Don't talk about business, and don't worry.

That's it, sweet little cousin. I wanted to thank you for everything you did for me, and remind you that heaven exists, and we'll meet there again one day.

Kisses, hugs, and all the love I sometimes failed to give you, your (meanwhile dead) cousin Sirius

That was what did it. The nonchalant way he talked about his death, but also his assurance that we would meet again broke my last bit of countenance. I broke down on my bed crying. I sobbed into my pillows for what seemed eternity, everything inside me clutching together to a tight ball of hate, anger, sadness, fear and despair. Someone came in at some point to comfort me, and I sunk into his arms thankfully. After I could talk again I noticed that it was Remus whose robes I'd just effectively ruined by sobbing all over them, and explained to him what I'd gotten. He was so understanding and comforted me, even though he sure was shocked by his best friend's will.

"You know, I've got a letter too. You probably already read it in the will." I remember seeing his name in there, but didn't understand in which relation.

"Actually, I didn't understand what it said about you, and was too occupied with the letter to properly read the will."

"It says that he left me and Harry the house to the same parts, though of course it remains the order headquarter. Along with that, he left me his personal property and the responsibility for Harry. The Black family fortune goes to the Weasleys, and you got this letter. Did it contain information about anything?"

"Yes, he left me his "secret garden". Whatever that is."

"His secret garden… I think I heard him mention something about it once, but he never showed us. It was very precious to him."

"The letter says I have to find the entrance to it in his room. That was the place he hated most about this house!"

"I know. It's so sad that he had to be locked in here. He loved his freedom."

"I know. He told me once that he only felt fully free when on his broom or his motorbike."

"I wonder what happened to that thing…?"

"I'm not so sure, but I heard Dumbledore mention something about Hagrid. By the way, what happens to buckbeak?"

"He'll stay here, of course. He's practically the mascot of the order." Thinking about how Sirius escaped from Hogwarts on the hippogriff once made me cry again. Remus gathered me in his arms again. He's really comforting and warm, and he was speaking to me in a soft, gentle voice. After I'd calmed down again, we talked about Sirius, about what he'd done and how he was. I already started crying again, when Remus brought up his hand, wiped away my tears and said:

"Don't cry now. The mourning is over. Sirius would want us to remember him, but he wouldn't want us to cry, but laugh and think about the good times. And that's what we'll do now." He sat on the bed, and we talked for hours. It was so great. Remus told me things I never knew, and some of the stories of their pranks made me laugh so hard I almost fell off the bed. When he told me about the Potters' wedding, I had to cry again at his description of Lily's and James' joy.

"Hey, what did I say about the crying?"

"I'm not crying out of sadness. This is wedding crying, that's allowed. Women cry about weddings, it's only natural." I remember meeting Lily when I was about six years old or so. To me, she was the most beautiful woman I ever met. I ran around with red hair for weeks after that. When Lily heard about that, she sent me a muggle toy called "Barbie". It had long black hair like my natural hair, and I simply loved it. She wrote me a letter with it, in which she told me that everyone always seemed to want to look like someone else, and that her dream had been tanned skin, brown hair and freckles. I kept the letter, and later in puberty when I was extremely self-conscious about my looks, I found it and read it again. It immensely helped me, though it was sad to think that this nice, gorgeous young woman was dead. I've still got it. Thinking about Lily and James made me realize how many dear people Remus had already lost.

"Just imagine how different your life would be if they were still alive." I blurted out. I immediately regretted it as a dark curtain seemed to go down before his eyes. He stood up briskly and his voice was cold when he spoke again.

"There's no use asking what if. What happened, happened, and we have to take it as it is."

"Yes, but we don't have to pretend that it doesn't matter to us. We don't always have to be strong. I know it's hard for you, Remus, so it's okay to let your guard down from time to time. No one thinks you're less strong if you do so."

"I don't know what you're talking about, and it seems to me as if you don't know, either. You should go back to sleep now." With that, he walked away stiffly. I could have slapped myself. He had opened up once, talked to me, and then I had to go and say something stupid only to have him shut up again. Why do I always do these things? Every time it's going well, The Queen of clumsiness has to go and ruin it all again. I was angry at myself for another ten minutes before the anger turned into frustration, then sadness as I thought of all the dead people and the loved ones they left behind alone, like Harry and Remus. I started crying again, so I decided to go down and get me something to drink to cheer me up.

One hour later:

In my room feasting on butterbeer. Mood is already a bit lighter, whereas stomach feels heavier. Shit, no more butterbeer left. Think I'll go down to the kitchen and get me some more. While I'm out of bed, might as well go visit Remus and do something to cheer him up. (Am thinking along the lines of a lap dance or something like that).

Later:

Never got to his room. The moment I got to the stairs everything went all blurry. I didn't even have time to sit down before I started throwing up violently. I hate throwing up. I would consider myself a strong woman, but as soon as I start choking, I want to call for my mum. Unfortunately, she was nowhere around, so I just screamed. A lot of things happened at the same time. Molly and Moody came storming out of the kitchen, wands drawn, Remus shot out of his room, Mrs. Black started screaming her head off, and I doubled over and rolled down the stairs. I was stopped by three freezing spells that were thrown at me at the same time. The next thing I remember, I was in Remus' arms (again) and he was carrying me to my room. Then all hell aka Molly's wrath broke lose. She had obviously seen the empty butterbeer bottles, which made her blow up completely. She lectured me for a full fifteen minutes (how on earth did the twins live to get eighteen years old?) and then started fretting over me. As soon as she stopped, Moody started ranting about how worried they were, how they had thought I'd been attacked, how incredibly stupid it had been of me to go and get myself drunk while my stomach wasn't even able to digest solid food yet, and how it had taken him ten minutes to shut up Mrs Black's portrait. By the time he ran out of new things to say and just repeated Constant vigilance over and over, Molly had finished examining me for inner injuries and cleaning my room. She tucked the blankets around me so tightly I wasn't able to move anymore.

"I won't put a sobering charm on you. It serves you right to get a bad hangover for the fright you caused us." With that, she and Moody left the room, while Remus emptied a chair of my dirty laundry (embarrassment alert!) and sat down on my bedside.

"Why did you do it?" I refused to answer. By now, all my anger concentrated on him. He was the one who had upset me in the first place, and he was the reason why I'd gone out in the hall. Besides, I was afraid I would throw up again as soon as I opened my mouth.

"Listen, Nymphadora…"

"Don't you Nymphadora me!" Yep, opening my mouth was a mistake. I shot up into a sitting position, bent over and vomited into the bucket Molly had conjured up wisely. It seems I don't do anything else these days. Remus steadied my back and dried my forehead with a washcloth, which was kinda sweet and would've made me forgive him, hadn't I been occupied otherwise. When I was finished, he wiped my face and conjured up a glass of water. While I was drinking and therefore unable to stop him, he spoke up.

"Listen, Tonks, I'm really, really sorry for what I did. I didn't mean to be so harsh. It's just that you were right, and that I have to let my guard down from time to time. But I can't. I stopped crying years ago, and since then, I don't let anything touch me… I'm just not used to opening up. This was the first time I openly talked about Sirius, and you really helped me, but when you told me the truth, it seemed as if you pitied me, and I can't stand pity. I'm sorry for how I treated you. Please forgive me."

Accepted his apology, of course. Wouldn't want to lose a friend like him just because of truth. Besides, found that it is really hard to resist these grey eyes when they look at you all pleadingly.