Back Home Again
by Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
"You say that Mr. McDuck is always going off on these crazy treasure hunts, Launchpad lover?" I asked.
"Yup. If somebody tells him about unrecovered treasure, especially gold, off we go!" Launchpad said.
"So- if I were to tell him about the gold that is supposed to be on the bottom of the Spuyten Duyil he would be nuts enough to try and get it?" I asked.
Launchpad gave me a look that asked: " What gold on the bottom of the Spuyten Duyil?"
"According to legend, back during the Revolutionary War, a ship load of gold- salary for British solders- sunk in a storm and that gold is still supposed to be on the bottom of the Spuyten Duyil someplace." I explained. (1 )
Of course, Mr. McDuck somehow managed to overhear this private conversation between Launchpad and I, and soon we were planning a treasure hunt in NY!
"Nice sub" I said as Launchpad loaded it aboard the VTOL. (2)
"It was designed by a British Dog named Bruce Partington (3)" said Duckworth, as proudly as if he designed it himself.
"Mr. McDee made a deal with the British Government. I test-drive their new "toy", and they give up any rights they might have to the gold." Launchpad said. (4)
"They probably figure you won't GET the treasure. They don't know you- or HIM- very well, do they?" I said.
"But it's impossible for you to get the treasure..." Duckworth began
"Since when did that ever stop LAUNCHPAD from doing anything? I don't recall a time where the mere inconvenient fact that something was totally and inarguably impossible kept LAUNCHPAD - or Mr. McDuck, for that matter, from doing anything." I began.
"When my Launchpad decides to do something, you had best get out of his way, because that something is going to get done. And it's likely to get messy. And that goes double for Mr. McDee. I don't WANT to know what HE was like at Launchpad's age. Ooooh. Scary thought." I said.
"Then you are going on this "crazy treasure hunt"? Duckworth asked.
"Of course. They'll need a native guide to the wilds of New York- the little innocents, trust me! So just call me Sacagawea. Sometimes I feel like Walks Far Woman, especially the walks far part, trying to keep up with Launchpad! And I'm bringing my camera along. The Duckberg Daily News paid me pretty well for the photos I took last time." I said.
Later...
"We're landing in a small airfield near LaGuardia, Launchpad. So don't head towards Idlewyle Airport- it's on the wrong end of Queens." Mr. McDuck said.
"Idlewyle Airport? You are old!" I said, before I could stop myself. "Open mouth, insert foot. Sorry, Mr. McDuck. That was just a gut reaction." I said.
"I'll head towards LaGuardia and not JFK, then. Idlewyle Airport. That's what my Grandfather calls JFK International. " Launchpad muttered, under his breath.
Soon after Launchpad had landed the plane as pretty as you please, did we hear somebody screaming at the top of his lungs in a quacky little voice.
" Uncle Donald!" (5) the boys said.
"Who?" I asked. (6)
"My nephew, Donald. He has the rottenest temper imaginable!" Mr. McDuck said.
" And I can't possible imagine where he inherited it from" I said.
My beak was working faster than my brain was that day. It has the bad habit of doing that.
Fortunately for me, everybody except Mr. McDuck and myself broke into hysterical laughter.
"Sorry, Mr. McDuck. I inherited my rotten temper from my Grandpa Lybus. Don't know where the big mouth came from." I said.
"Hi ya, Uncle Scrooge. Hi ya, boys. I tried to use my connections to clear this little jaunt with the Navy. But Admiral Grimace completely ignored me." Donald said.
"Oh, he did, did he? Let's see if he can ignore ME, then!" Mr. Mc Duck said. "Where is Admiral Grimace?" screamed Mr. McDuck at the Navy man left in charge.
"I don't know- he has other things to do than to listen to every ex-sailor..." the poor "man" began.
"He'll listen to my nephew and to me!" Mr. McDuck said.
And since "with money, you get honey", soon the whole trip was cleared with the Navy, the Coast guard and with Arthur Curry (that's Aquaman's real name) for all I know.
Soon we all loaded onto the sub (Anybody want to name the sub? Since it's a BRITISH sub, I am SO tempted to call it "Yellow".) and it went under the water from Queens towards the Bronx.
Deep, deep down we went thru the murky, dirty water.
"Ick!" the boys said.
"Believe it or not, it used to be worse. NY's made an effort to clean up it's waters- so it used to be worse. Of course, NY has to keep at it- or it gets worse all over again." I said.
"I don't see any old ships" Huey said.
"You won't. It sank over two hundred years ago and it was a wooden ship. It must have rotted away by now." Donald said, who learned one or two things in the Navy.
"How will we find the treasure, Launchpad? I know Mr. McDuck got a map of where the ship is believed to have gone down- but how can the experts be sure where it went down? And wouldn't even gold have drifted after over two hundred years?" I asked.
"Don't think so. The British government says the gold was in iron chests, locked tight, with iron chains and locks around them. Gold is heavy enough, but inside iron chests, with iron chains and locks- it should be still pretty close to where it sank. Especially since this isn't the open sea. I have the sub's equipment hooked up to Mr. McDee's satellites- they should be able to find the gold." Launchpad said. (7)
Just then, something started pushing the sub back up towards the surface. We all ran to the porthole and saw several rather large somethings.
"I don't believe it- it's the giant albino alligators who live in the sewers of NY!" I said.
(EVERYBODY knows there are giant albino alligators living in the sewers of NY) The alligators pushed up right back up to the surface. Hardly had they done so, did somebody open up the hatch of the sub.
"What are you surface folk doing messing around in my waters?" a vaguely familiar voice, one I could not quite place, asked.
"Neptunia!" Launchpad said, recognizing her.
"Launchpad? What are YOU doing here?" Neptunia asked.
"You know this- this - lady?" Mr. McDuck asked.
" Sorta. She worked with DW once or twice. (8) But she doesn't like us surface folk much and I don't think we were ever introduced." Launchpad said.
"Can you blame me for not liking surface folk much? You have the bad habit of dumping garbage in water, blowing bombs in water, killing fish, sharks, whales! Fish I understand, fish you eat. Even sharks I understand- sharks eat you-(well, some of them do)- but why do you still kill whales for? And you didn't answer my question: What were you doing down there? And don't give me any more garbage." Neptunia said.
"We're looking for gold" said Launchpad.
Even if Launchpad was a trifle concerned underwater folk might actually find gold USEFUL it's the only metal that does not rust or corrode.
"Is that all? Take it and welcome. Most underwater folk are nomadic- always on the move after food, warmth, safety- often safety from surface folk- gold too heavy to interest us. Even the Atlantians avoid it, it attracts surface folk. " Neptunia said.
(The Atlantians didn't know about the gold the boys found in "Aquaducks")
"But this isn't DW's style- who are you working for, Launchpad?" Neptunia asked.
"I'm back to working for my old- er- my original boss, Scrooge McDuck." Launchpad said.
"Scrooge McDuck? THE Scrooge McDuck? Well! Let me shake your hand. You're one surface folk who's OK. Even I've heard of you- of how you try to stop pollution and polluters. Try to clean up water and prevent people from dumping garbage in the first place. Make artificial versions of whale-based products so cheap there is no point in killing them. (Probably the best way to stop that.)"Neptunia said.
"Er- yes, I do try to do what I can. Perhaps you care to help us find the gold? It would get us out of your waters all the sooner, you could keep an eye on us and it would give us a chance to discuss other ways I might help your people." Mr. McDuck, who was a trifle nervous because all her anti-surface people talk.
"Why not? My people have no need of gold. And maybe it's high time we tried making nice with the surface folk. Working with DW reminded me that we all share the same small world, after all." (Sorry, couldn't resist!) Neptunia said.
Neptunia looked at the map of where the ship went down. Using her knowledge of tides and currents, she helped pinpoint where the treasure should be. "You're already in the right general area. But you're looking for a needle in a haystack and I can show you which haystack." Neptunia said.
However, the satellite detected no gold in the area she pointed out.
"I don't understand it- the gold should be here!" Neptunia said.
"Wait a minute- the satellite detects just gold- it ignores all other metals, right? Well, what if the gold is buried under two hundred years worth of other metals? What if the satellites sense the ordinary metal on top of it and ignore it- and can't sense the gold all the way at the bottom?" I asked. "
That could be it! If enough junk is on top of the gold- the satellites might not know the gold is there! Launchpad! Instruct the satellite to look for large deposits of ordinary metal in this small area only!" Mr. McDuck said.
"Way ahead of you, boss. I started reprogramming it the minute Sharan told us where to look!" Launchpad said, looking at me so proudly I felt myself blush. (What I wouldn't give!)
The satellite led us to a large mud-covered pile of rusty metal. Launchpad used the sub's claws to dig thru the pile of old cars, tin cans, fridges- down to the proverbial (metal!) kitchen sink. Donald made himself useful by acting as co-pilot. (9)
Launchpad couldn't dig thru the rubble, steer the sub AND make sure the pile didn't collapse on top of us. Although I have no doubt Mr. McDuck would expect him to if Donald wasn't there. (10) I also have no doubt Launchpad would have managed somehow- but this was easier.
Just then, a cloud or fog seemed to be surrounding the sub. It was thick and muddy and we could not see thru it. But the cloud was made up of billions and billions of shiny, moving fish- minnows, I think. We must have disturbed them, for they were swimming around the sub, angry, confused, frightened.
"Minnows! Lots of them!" I said.
"They are harmless." Neptunia said.
"Not now, they ain't. I can't see to steer, I can't see to keep the trash from coming down and crushing us- can you get rid of them, somehow?" Launchpad asked Neptunia.
"No need. Here come some predator fish." Neptunia said.She was right, a few predactor fish, attracted by the feast, came towards us and the minnows scrammed.
"Whew! That was close! Hey- the satellite found the gold. I reset it, earlier, right after we found this pile of junk." Launchpad said.
"This is no time to fish for compliments!" Mr. Mc Duck said.
Ignoring the unintentional pun, Launchpad dug towards where the satellite said the gold was. Then- he found it! Several rust cubes, covered with rust "spaghetti", that had once been chests covered with iron chains. Launchpad used the sub's claws to bring them in.
"Phew! They stink!" I said. They were ripe, indeed.
"Should I get rid of the iron chests themselves and just keep the gold? That would get rid of some of the smell." Launchpad offered.
"Not on your tintype! Somebody might pay good money for those chests; rusty as they are- they are old and historic. Here- powered them with this, it should neuturize the smell."!" Mr. McDuck said.
Mr. Mc Duck handed Launchpad something- baking soda, I think. Launchpad sprinkled power on the chests.
"Hey, Mr. McDee- some old barrels got caught in the chest's chains! And they are still intact!" Launchpad said.
"Eh? Three wooden barrels? Why didn't they rot? Hmm...looks like they may have been treated with something. and they are double-barrels, one barrel inside another, used for containing liquids." Mr. McDuck mused.
"There is something written on them- but there's so dirty and worn, I can't make it out." Launchpad said.
"Well- clean them off with this! And be careful not to damage them!" Mr. McDuck said. This time Mr. McDuck handed Launchpad a clean, soft cloth and some oil soap.
"Honey! They contain honey, Mr. McDuck." Launchpad said.
"That might explain why they didn't rot. Honey is a natural preservative. Keep them. Somebody might actually pay good money for over 200 year old honey. People are nuts! But the gold is what's important, what is valuable." Mr. McDuck said.
"Hey! Uncle Scrooge? It looks like somebody opened up the barrels and closed them again." Huey said.
"What makes you say that?" Mr. McDuck asked. "
Well- they've been pried open and then shut- and- and- Mrs. Beakley's cookie jar?" Huey said.
"The sailors were stealing tastes from the honey- the officer in charge must have put it next to the gold for safe keeping!" I said.
Later, Mr. McDuck got good news and bad news. The bad news: the British government had somehow forgotten to mention that the gold was salary for Hessian soldiers and now GERMANY was suing Mr. McDuck for the gold.
The good news: remember that "worthless" honey? Well, the sailors had left the barrels open while at port to sample it and apparently some land birds had built nests near the honey.
Some eggs had landed in the honey and sank unseen and were still there when the barrels were resealed. Perfectly common eggs from very common land birds- then. But the honey had preserved those eggs; they were still alive and were being VERY carefully incubated.
If they actually hatch, Mr. McDuck may need a new money bin to keep the money he could get from selling the birds that hatch from them.
You see, they are PASSENGER PIGEON eggs. And passenger pigeons have been extinct for about, oh, about a hundred years now. (Since 1919, I think.)(11)
Meanwhile, Launchpad and I unlocked the door to our house. "So- did you enjoy your visit to NY?" Launchpad asked.
"Yes, dear. But it's good to be back HOME again." I replied.
The End.
1)Does ANYBODY know if this is historical fact or just an urban legend this native New Yorker heard someplace?
(2) Vertial Take-Off and Landing craft. A plane that can take off like a helicopter. Like the one Launchpad flew in "Treasure of the Golden Suns".
(3)Bad Sherlock Holmes Joke. See "The adventure of the Bruce- Partington Plans" in "His Last Bow" by Doyle.
(4) Humble suggestion to Engineer Jess who wrote "Secret of the Black Pyramid": Have Mr. McDuck make similar deal with Egyptian government.
(5) Didn't expect me to throw HIM into the story, did you? I'm a native New Yorker. I ain't got a problem with old and new and in-the-middle "side by side by side" (to quote Kurt Russell from "Sky High" and I remember "The computer wore tennis shoes!", which was equally cute and harmless) I'm used to that.
(6) I didn't know Donald Duck from Adam yet- "there".
(7) In the two-part DW episodes "Just Us Justice Ducks".
(8)Mr. McDuck's satilites have been fixed since "Superducktales" so they only find the type of metal you are looking for.
(9)Not that I believe Donald could be a pilot. Especially when last we saw him in "Ducktales", he was swabbing the deck and peeling potatoes. (Of course I know about "Quackpack"! I ignored it!)But since I don't care, I'm not going to argue with Disney about that.
(10)You think Launchpad got 3 eyes and 4 arms, maybe?
(11) "I" once said to Launchpad: "Mr. McDuck could fall into a dungheap and pull out a pony!" and Launchpad corrected me: "Mr. McDuck could fall into a dungheap and pull out Man O'War!"