July 1st, Monday

Things that actually matter enough to count them: 0;

Remus is back. That's the good news. But I'll just tell from the start. I was getting up as late as possible (which was ten o'clock, since I've slept so much recently there's just not enough tiredness left), preparing for another day of complete dullness and worrying.

It was. Until five pm, when I heard a scratching sound at the front door and opened to have a bleeding lump fall into my arms. Turns out it was Remus, yay! (If you could hear me now, you would detect a note of false cheeriness in my voice.) My head was completely calm and collected, while my mouth started screaming for Molly, my Mum, God, anyone…Molly heard me first and together, we managed to drag Remus up to his room and pull him back together again. After we'd removed all the blood and stopped the bleeding, we discovered several deep cuts right across his chest and bruises all over his upper body. I cried the whole time while we placed healing charm after healing charm on him and bandaged him all up. When we were ready, we looked like butchers. Molly had flopped into an armchair, but stood back up after only a minute.

"I have to change and make dinner, everyone will eat here before the meeting tonight. Can you stay here and watch out?" I nodded, thankful that she tried to give me an alibi for staying by his bed while knowing I would've done so anyway.

And I stayed. Until it got dark outside, until the meeting was over and people came in quietly to see Remus, until the house became quiet. Thousands of questions shot through my head, not only about what happened to Remus, but also what is wrong with me. Ever since this last week, I've started seeing him with different eyes. Before, he was just this friend from the order, someone you could talk to about a lot of things until late at night, someone you could sit by the fire with, drink cocoa and just be quiet. Someone who always seemed to know everything you didn't understand, and always tried to explain. Someone you admired for his skills, his wit, his calm and strength. He was definitely not someone who was crying on your shoulder, or letting you cry. Not someone about whose body you thought. Most definitely not someone you slept together in one bed with. Not someone who planted these weird romantic feelings in your head. Everything has blown up around me. So here I am now, sitting at a sick friend's bedside, worried sick, thinking about if maybe there's more to that friend than I ever expected. Finally fell asleep, curled up in the armchair, my head still spinning with all the thoughts and questions.

Jerked awake when Remus croaked out my name, and was beside him in a split second. Had to restrain from throwing my arms around his neck, which would have probably killed him, weak as he still was. He couldn't properly talk yet, but after I'd given him some water, he seemed to be a bit better.

"So, what happened to you? Gave us quite a fright when you arrived here."

"Well, I was getting in contact with some of the hermit werewolves up north. It went good so far, and we were this close to signing a contract, binding them to us, when the ministry banned a werewolf who was said to have bitten a child without any safe evidence. So they got a little angry, and then a bunch of death eaters arrived and managed to turn the werewolves' wrath against me. Let's just say there was some nasty duelling."

"How did you get those cuts?"

"The favourite spell of the leader of the group was the Gladius spell. Enables you to use your wand like a sword. And let me tell you, that one was a quick swordsman. How were things here?"

"Nothing special, you know, just hanging around, worrying about you…"

"Why did you worry? You knew I could have been away for several days."

"No, we didn't. We usually don't know much. Maybe Dumbledore knows everything that goes on here, but most of us don't. And people who are not allowed to go to the meetings don't know much either. I just wish you'll be forbidden to go to the meetings, too. It serves you right for causing me so much worry." Started crying again, this time because I was so angry, but that made me even more angry, because I was embarrassed in front of Remus. He took my hands in his.

"I'm sorry if I've caused you so much sorrow, Nymphadora. I didn't want to, and I appreciate you caring about me. But you have to understand that I can't let everyone in on my missions. The fewer people know about it, the safer it is. Promise me you will never get yourself so worked up because of me again. I'm not worth it."

"Yes you are!" Completed my impression of a silly little girl by finally throwing myself into his arms. Managed to do so without hurting him, though. But when his arms closed around me and he hugged me tightly against his chest, everything was forgotten. I was so glad that he was here again.

Later

Am in my room, hiding. Snape and a bunch of other order members came in to check on Remus and found me embracing him, sobbing hysterically. Let out a shriek when I noticed them and ran out of the room into my room. Geez, you should think I'm used to embarrassing myself, but this was just horrible. How can I ever look into Snape's eyes again? Or Remus' for that matter?