Cover me

Chapter 2: Running up that hill

„It doesn't hurt me.

Do you want to feel how it feels?

Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?

Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?

You, it's you and me." (Kate Bush: Running up that hill)

Almost a week had passed since Zylyn had been taken to the hospital and during the whole time his state of health had greatly improved. His friends and colleagues had only been allowed short visits during the first two days, because the hospital staff didn´t want them to exhaust Zylyn too much. He had spent those first days mostly asleep. But now JoJo was sitting next to his bed and quietly chatting with him. Suddenly she stopped talking about the latest problems she had been having with the ship and said: „I may not forget this…" she reached down to her bag and produced a book from it. „John asked me to give this to you." She handed him the book and while Zylyn examined the small paperback novel she continued talking: „You know, John would have come to visit you, but he´s really busy. We´ve been sent on a lot of missions during the past days and there´s all that paperwork he has to finish. Commander Chenault threatened to transfer him to another planet if he hadn´t finished it by the end of the month." She laughed. Zylyn answered with a weak smile. „How come John bought me a biography? He isn´t into those kind of books." „I don´t know. He probably thought you would like it." JoJo looked down at her hands. „You´re a bad liar and you didn´t have to buy this book for me. I´m not angry at John." „You´re not?" JoJo exclaimed astonished. „But he hasn´t visited you one time. I would be angry if I was you." „He probably really has a lot of work to do." He looked down at his blanket and removed some invisible crumbs from it. JoJo was silent a few secondes before she spoke again: „May I ask you something?" „Well, that depends on the question." „When we were on that planet … Nideval. Did something happen between you and John?" „How come you think something happened between him and me?" „Well, he´s been acting kind of strange … he´s not visiting you and Kincaid and Doc told me he acted a little overprotective when you were on Nideval."

Zylyn avoided JoJos gaze and started picking at his blanket again. „Sooo…did something happen?" Zylyn just answerd with muttering something unidentifiable. „Something did happen! Tell me!" „That´s none of your business!" „If it influences the way you and John are working together it is my business as well as that of Daniel and Doc." „He kissed me." „He kissed you? John kissed you?" JoJo exclaimed excitedly. Zylyn nodded „And…" she smiled slyly. „Did you kiss him back?" „I guess I did…kind of…" „So, what´s the problem with you two?" „Problem?" „Yes, you kissed and now he isn´t even visiting you. He should be all worried and caring instead of busying himself with paperwork. What happened after you kissed?" „Nothing." „Nothing?" „Could you stop repeating everything I say? Yes, nothing happened. Doc and Kincaid broke through the stones and we stopped kissing and nothing else did happen." „But you should talk about it." „Why?" „Well, because you obviously have feelings for one another. I mean don´t you know what he felt when you kissed. You´re an empath, you should know." „I don´t read the feelings of everybody. I respect their privacy. And I think it would probably be better if we forgot about the whole incident. It would be too complicated." „Do you think it would influence your work or is it the being gay thing?" „Nothing of that, but in order to become an graakan priest I had to commit myself to celibacy. And besides that John doesn´t seem to have any feelings for me." „You can´t know that for sure. Maybe he has some problems of his own with the whole thing."

„Anyway I think it´ll be the best to pretend that kiss never happened."

„Hey Captain!"

„Hi Doc!"

Doc was approaching John who sat alone at a table in Gino´s bar frowning over the paperwork he had to do.

„Kincaid and me are going to visit Zylyn. Do you want to come with us?"

„No, thanks for asking. But I still got tons of paperwork waiting for me."

„Oh come on! Just half an hour or even less. Just come with us and say Hi."

„I told you I can´t." John sounded a little disgruntled. „Zylyn will understand."

„He´ll probably at least pretend to. But you can´t hide behind your paperwork forever and once Zylyn has recovered again and is back to working you´ll have no chance to avoid him any longer."

„I´m not avoiding him."

„That´s what it seems like. What happened down there on Nideval? Did you argue?"

„What makes you think something did happen?"

„You have been acting odd ever since we rescued you from that cave."

John sighed silently, before he took a sip from the coffee that stood infront of him and suddenly the graakan liquor Zylyn and him had intended to share came to his mind.

John stayed silent and Doc felt his suspicion affirmed by this.

„Tell me!"

„I kind of kissed Zylyn, but it was an accident."

„What, you stumbled and fell on his mouth?"
"Of course not, but because of the extreme situation…you know the cold, the life threathening situation…that makes people act funny. It doesn´t mean anything."

„You sure?"

„Of course I am. We´re just friends and colleagues, nothing more. And I´m going to pretend nothing happened between us."

„If that´s so you should have no problems accompanying us, when we visit Zylyn. You don´t have to stay long. The paperwork excuse doesn´t work on me. So…are you in?"

John agreed reluctantly, not without pointing out that he really had a lot of paperwork to do.

When Daniel, Doc and John entered Zylyn´s room in the hospital, they were suprised to see a man sitting on the edge of Zylyn´s bed with his back to the door. Upon hearing them enter he had turned around. „Hi!" he smiled at them, but didn´t make any moves to leave his place on Zylyn´s bed. „Hello!" John replied a little irritated and closely examined the face of the stranger. He had warm brown eyes and a big, sensitive looking mouth. His dark brown hair was short and wavy and he must have been about 30 years old, but had a kind of boyish charme about him.

„Hi! It´s nice you came!" Zylyn greeted his visitors. „This is Luca. He´s an old friend. Luca, this are John, Doc and Daniel."

„Nice to meet you." Luca stretched his hand out to John, who took it slightly reluctant.

„So…you´re an old acquaintance of Zylyn."

„Yes we haven´t met for quiet a while, so I thought I´d visit him. But I was a bit suprised to find him in a hospital."

„Yes, he really did scare us a bit." John said and looked at Zylyn, who turned his face away from him.

Daniel and Doc seemed to have taken a liking to Luca from the first moment on and were chatting with him and Zylyn, but John couldn´t bring himself to join the talk wholeheartedly.

Everytime he saw Luca touching Zylyn casually, John felt a slight twinge in his stomach. He didn´t really fear there could be more than friendship between Zylyn and Luca, but he envied Luca for the past and the memories he shared with Zylyn. He was jelaous because Luca seemed to belong to a part of Zylyn´s life John didn´t know anything about. Never before had he even heard Zylyn mention Luca, whereas Luca seemed pretty well informed about Fort Hope and their work. John had always thought of himself as Zylyns closest friend and know it seemed as if he was never right to think so. He wished he could act as carefree and unreserved around Zylyn as Luca did, but everytime he tried to, the memories of the cave came back to his mind and he wondered if Zylyn and him could ever return to their normal friendship.

He couldn´t stop casting a glance at Zylyn everytime he thought no one would notice, hoping in vain to read in Zylyns face how he felt about John. When it was time for them to leave Luca still remained seated on Zylyns bed, stating that they had still alot to talk about. Without knowing the reason why John wanted Luca to leave the room with them, instead of leaving him alone with Zylyn. Before he left he did cast one last look at Zylyn, but quickly turned away when Zylyns eyes met his.

„Luca is a really nice guy, isn´t he?" Daniel asked when they were outside. „He´s a bit too nice for my taste." „How can he be too nice?" „I don´t know. I simply don´t like him, that´s all." „Oh, you´re jealous!" Kincaid stated matter of factly. „Jealous? Why should I be jealous?" „Well, because he is so close to Zylyn." Kincaid stated, now sounding a bit irritated.

„You´re both so annoying." John uttered „Once and for all: I´m not jealous and there is nothing between Zylyn and me… I have to go, there´s a lot of work for me to do." Saying this he left Doc and Kincaid standing at the entrance of the hospital.

„There is something between Zylyn and him." Daniel said grinning at Doc.

„Yes, the only question is, whether they will admit that to themselves."

John was pacing his living room, feeling quiet upset. He couldn´t understand why Doc and Daniel wouldn´t stop bugging him. Shouldn´t they be more sensitive, if they really thought something was wrong between Zylyn and him? And there definitely was something wrong between them. He had tried to ignore it, but it still existed. He wished he hadn´t kissed Zylyn. Could it be possible that this single kiss would destroy their whole friendship? Something had changed, John had felt it clearly when he had entered Zylyns room in the hospital. Things were not right. But how were things supposed to be? John only knew that he didn´t want to lose Zylyn. He needed him as a friend, but did he also love him in more than just a platonic way? He could still exactly remember the feeling of Zylyn´s body in his arms, the touch of his lips… He longed to feel him in his arms again. But you could lose a lover easier than a friend. And the mere idea of a life without Zylyn made him feel extremly sad. If Zylyn didn´t return his feelings everything would turn out for worse. Their friendship, if it would still exist, would never be the same. John stopped walking, his thoughts were getting him nowhere. He had to talk to somebody.

„Doc?" John exclaimed when he entered his ship. And turned around in search for his mechanic. „I´m here, Captain!" John heared Doc´s voice from the rear of the ship and walked towards him. „I´m just checking whether Lizzie is still working right after our last mission. What are you doing here?" Doc looked at John curiosly.

„I wanted to talk to you. Can you spare some minutes?"

„Sure. What do you wanna talk about?"

„About Zylyn and me." John blurted out and than kept silent for a few moments. „When Kincaid said, I was jealous he was probably right. I tried to pretend that kiss never happened or at least that it didn´t mean anything. But I can´t. I can´t stop thinking about it."

„So you´re in love with him?"

„I´m not sure. I think I am, but what if I´m not truly in love with him. If it´s not forever. If we were lovers and we did break up, I´d lose him forever.That is if he returns my feelings. If he doesn´t things would get even more complicated. I couldn´t bare to lose his friendship. I…I just don´t know what to do."

„ You need to talk to him. That is the only solution."

„But if he doesn´t return my feelings I´ll lose him."

„But could you bare living with the imagination that he might have returned your feelings and that you never took that chance? And if you´ll never talk about the kiss, it will be something that always stands between you."

John remained silent for a minute or two, before he answered: „You´re right I have to talk to him. But I´m so afraid."

„Well, make sure he´s wearing his yoke and there is no need to be." Doc laughed and even John smiled softly. „Now hurry and talk to him imediatly, before your last bist of courage leaves you."

„Thank you." John said before he turned and left the ship.

Following Doc´s advice John went to the hospital directly. He knocked at the door, but entered Zylyns room without waiting for an answer. Luca was still sitting on Zylyns bed and was talking to him. Zylyn looked at John a bit puzzled, but smiled: „Two visits in a day…Is there any special occasion?" „No…I mean yes…" John sighed and turned to Luca, „I´m sorry to interrupt you, but I need to talk to Zylyn. Could you leave us alone, Luca?"

„Sure. I have to do some unpacking anyway." Turning to Zylyn he said „I´ll come back later in the evening." He left his place on Zylyns bed and walked to the door, but before he left he turned, looked at Zylyn and mouthed: „Talk to him", without John perceiving it. When he was gone, John pulled a chair close to Zylyns bed and sat down on it. „Luca and you are very close, aren´t you?" Zylyn nodded and said „Yes, he´s a very good friend." „Is he more than just a friend? You know you could tell me." „No, he is just a friend." John had to repress a sigh of relief. „But you sure didn´t came to talk about Luca. What is it you wanna talk about?" John looked down at his hands, than took a deep breath and dared to look into Zylyns face. „You probably guessed that it hasn´t been the paperwork that kept me from visiting you." Zylyn nodded silently. „I have been avoiding you, because of the kiss. I didn´t know what I felt about it. But now I think I do…but I´m still afraid. Have you been reading my feelings lately?" „No, I didn´t. You know I respect your privacy." „Yes, yes I know you do, but if I asked you to make an exception this time, would you do it?" Without thinking he streched his hands out and took Zylyns in his. He wished they could stay like this forever, without needing to care for any problems that might occur. „If you really want me to, I will do it." Zylyn answered. „I want you to. It´s much easier than actually putting into words what I feel." Zylyn concentrated and looked into John´s eyes. It just took him a second to detect the feelings John was having for him. He looked extremly puzzled „I didn´t think it could be possible that you have this kind of feelings for me." „So you don´t feel the same…" John stated and made a movement to leave Zylyn. „I didn´t say that. Don´t go!" Zylyn exclaimed. John started smiling and sat down again. „So you have the same feelings." He said when suddenly he saw tears running down Zylyn´s face. „What´s the matter, dear? Why are you crying?" He asked while he took Zylyn´s hands. „I´m sorry. I just never felt so miserable and so happy at the same time." He freed one of his hands from John´s hold to wipe away his tears. He looked shyly at John, who took his face in both of his hands. „Don´t feel miserable. There´s no need to. Come on give me one of your secret smiles. Zylyn smiled weakly. „John, I…" He was interrupted by John kissing him. Their kiss was full of warmth and tenderness, but when John tasted Zylyns salty tears in his mouth he broke their kiss and watched how Zylyn cried silently. „What´s up with you? Why are you crying? Aren´t you happy?" „I don´t know." Zylyn answered quietly, while he slowly shook his head and wiped away his tears. „ I don´t know, it´s so confusing." „Confusing? I thought you shared my feelings?" John took hold of Zylyn´s hands again. „I do share your feelings, but in order to become a priest I had to pledge myself to celibacy." John straightened up and let go of Zylyns hands. „So you don´t want to be with me?" John felt anger building up inside of him and at the same time he had to fight against his tears that threatened to fall. Zylyn looked into John´s grim looking face and felt, if possible, even worse than before. „John…" he tried to speak softly, but his voice sounded hoarse. „Please try to understand me. I´ve worked almost my whole life for this. I can´t give it up all of a sudden without thinking about it. All of my life I thought this was what I had to do, my destiny. When I thought about my future I always saw myself as a priest. This is turning my whole life upside down." John´s face softened and he reached out to touch Zylyns cheek gently. „I just can´t stand the thought of a life without you. Please promise me, if you decide, that you don´t want to be with me, that this will not stand between us. Let´s try to behave as if nothing had happened. Promise me!"

„I promise you I´ll try to do so, but do you think it would work?" „I don´t know." John shook his head and brought his face closer to Zylyn´s. He didn´t try any longer to keep his tears from falling. „Just give me some time." Zylyn almost whispered, while he wiped away the tears from John´s face. Looking into John´s warm, sad eyes he had to keep himself from crying the whole time. „I´ll give you time to think about it, but don´t let me wait too long." „No." Zylyn simply statet and kissed John lightly on the lips.

„I think I´d better be going." John said while he rose from his chair. He cast one last look at Zylyn and then quickly went to the door without looking back. When he had left the room Zylyn lay down again and while he crawled under his blanket again the tears he had held back ran down his face silently.

Later in the evening, Zylyn said cross legged on his bed and studied the book all graakan missionarys were given, when they had commited themselve to the net, the religion that had existed for many thousands years now. The book was written by a prophet and contained the principles on which every missionary and priest had to base his life.

„Free your mind free from longing. For it will be a distraction and a hindrance on your way to the deity. Fight temptation, it is easy to give in to it, but it will destroy all your past work. If you have let yourself carry away to just one kiss, it will oppress your mind for the rest of your life." Zylyn read, although he knew the passage by heart. He sighed and put the book aside. Ever since John had left him alone he had tried to free his mind from his feelings for him, but he hadn´t succeeded. His only wish was to hold John in his arms and feel his body. He didn´t think it possible he could ever get rid of this longing and this meant he could never be a good priest and this was far worse than facing the dissapointment of his family or to arrange with a new way to live.

When he turned of the light and went to sleep a content smile played on his lips. He would be with John.

On the following day Zylyn was allowed to leave the hospital. Before he did anything else he walked up to the office of Commander Chenault. When he saw she was alone, he knocked lightly on the door. She looked up through the glas front of the door and beckoned him in. Zylyn stepped in and while closing the door asked: „Can you spare some minutes, Commander? I would like to talk to you."

„Of course. Please sit down. How can I help you?"

„I wanted to ask you something." Zylyn began while settling down. Chenault looked at him expectingly. „I started working as a Ranger as a part of my missionary years and I wanted to know whether…" He stopped for a minute. „…if I would abandon my purpose to become a priest and therefore would no longer be a missionary…could I still be a Ranger?"

Commander Chenault looked at him astonished. „I don´t think there should be any problems. But why, if I may ask you this question, do you want to be a priest no longer? You have studied and worked for such a long time."

„I know and it took me long to get to this decision, Commander, but there have occured events that force me to give up my goal."

„What kind of events? You know you can turn to me for help, whenever needed."

„Thank you, Commander. I´d rather not talk about it any longer. But there´s nothing for you to worry about." He arose from his seat and bid his Commander goodbye, who was left alone, worrying, although Zylyn had assured her there was no need to.

Later that day Commander Chenault was walking down a corridor to the office of Col. Weiss when she met Captain Boon. „Captain Boon! May I have a word with you?"

„Of course, Commander."

„Zylyn came to me this afternoon and asked me whether he could still work as a Ranger, if he wasn´t going to be a graakan priest. Do you know why he wants to give up on it?"

„Did he really say this?" John´s face lit up with a smile.

„Yes and he told me not to worry about it. You do know what this is all about, don´t you?"

„Yes I do, but I would prefer to talk about this another time. I can assure you, that there´s no need for you to worry." John started turning away. „I´m sorry, Commander, but I have to leave you. There´s someone I need to see." While he almost ran down the corridor in the direction he was just coming from, Commander Chenault was left in perplexity.

Slowly John was making his way up the hill on whichs top Zylyn liked to spent his time, when he wanted to be alone. When he couldn´t find him neither in his rooms, nor in the graakan temple he made his way to this place. He was a bit worried that Zylyn wouldn´t want to be disturbed, but he couldn´t wait to talk to him. When he saw him, looking down on Fort Hope, his heart started beating faster. Zylyn turned to him. „Hey, I hope I´m not disturbing you…oh…your hair, it´s…short." „Yes" Zylyn ran his hand through his hair. „It was Luca´s suggestion. Do you…like it?"

„Yes. Yes, I do like it." John stepped up to Zylyn so that he was within arms reach of him. Suddenly he felt timid. „I met Commander Chenault. She said you have been talking to her this afternoon." „Yes, I did." Zylyn took a step closer to John, so that they were almost touching. „So you´ve decided…you wanna…be with me?" Zylyn just nodded and closed the remaining distance between John and him to pull him into a kiss. Their lips touched gently at first, but more eagerly and passionate after a few seconds. It was their first kiss that was free of fear, uncertainity or confusion. It was only full of love and desire. John tried to pull Zylyn even closer and felt the strong muscles of his back flexing under his hands. Zylyn was pushing his hands into John´s hair feeling the soft strands running trough his fingers. They interrupted their kiss, both slightly panting. „That was…"John stopped, because he was lost for words. „…intense." Zylyn finished. „Yes…intense." John whispered before kissing Zylyn again, gently this time. They stood together for a while, holding each other close. Reluctantly John let go of Zylyns warm body and took a step back. „I hate to say this, but I think we have to go back now. We have a mission waiting for us and the others will start to get impatient, if we´ll let them wait any longer." He looked Zylyn up and down and asked: „Do you really think, you can work again? It´s allright if you take another day or two off." „I´m fine." John cast Zylyn a sceptical look. „Really I´m allright, the doctors said so too and they said I could work again. There´s no need for you to be worried." He smiled and kissed John´s brow, but drew away from him quickly with a grin. „Come on, if we start again we´ll never get away from here." With this he turned away and started to walk. John quickly caught up with him and while there were walking towards Fort Hope he took Zylyns hand in his.

tbc