July 19th, Friday

Things that blew up: 2 (my door and me), things I threw at Remus: 1 book; stupid reasons why Remus didn't kiss me back: 4; real reasons: 1 (I'm a freak!);

Okay, so my plan didn't really work out as I had hoped. At around 4 in the afternoon, Molly finally got sick of all the banging and calling. She snapped, and blew up my door with one of Fred and George's Exploding Dungbombs. Actually, it's amazing that she didn't do that earlier. To my horror, not only Mum, Ginny and Hermione, but half the order were standing behind her, peering into my room worriedly. I groaned and buried my head in my hands.

"Damn it, can't a person get any privacy in this bloody madhouse!" Molly immediately realised the seriousness of the situation and sent the others away.

And then they all gathered round me (not all of the order, just Molly and Mum and the girls) and forced me to retell the entire story again. All the pain and humiliation!

They didn't have any idea what I could have done wrong either. They just came up with a bunch of really ridiculous reasons why Remus might have reacted that way. Seriously, they said stuff like "maybe he's just insecure because of the age difference, or because he hasn't been on a date for a while" or "maybe he thinks it won't work out because of his werewolf thing" and "maybe he was just afraid someone else might see you".

What are these people thinking? Those were like the most far-fetched arguments ever!

I know the real reason why this happened: I'm a freak. Or maybe I accidentally stepped on his foot while I was leaning towards him, and the pain ruined the moment for him.

Both options are equally possible (and way more plausible than that rubbish the others came up with!)

I had actually planned to get about twenty bottles of butterbeer and get so pissed I wouldn't remember anything about that horrible, horrible evening, but Molly, being the annoyingly wise person she is, had placed repelling charms on every drop of alcohol in the entire house, and the twins are forbidden to buy me anything. I tried to get Molly to have some pity and give me the damn booze by crying desperately in front of her, but she just forced me to drink a sleeping draught and put me to bed.

Later:

Someone banging on my door woke me up (someone must have repaired it while I was sleeping), and before I could even do anything about my horribly tousled hair, my blotchy face and my red eyes, Remus had stepped into my room. He looked at me with a very strange look which I couldn't quite decipher, but it must have been either pity or revulsion.

"Tonks, I'm sorry for what happened yesterday."

"Yeah, let's talk about that. What the hell happened yesterday? Is it just me or was that completely humiliating!"

"I'm sorry, I was just surprised. I didn't expect you to … do that."

"Oh really? Because I don't think it was all that surprising, after all that nice romantic tension we had going on!" He didn't know how to defend himself, and I didn't want to give him the opportunity. I've become pretty good at ranting. (I've learned from the best, eg Molly Weasley!)

"And you know what? You should have expected it, with your perfect date and the romantic Shakespeare play and the pretty little restaurant and the park and you being you. You should expect things like that to happen when you're asking a girl out and then being so damn kissable!" I'd actually planned to say much more, but at that moment I realised that was all there was to say. There was nothing more for me to do except wait for his reaction. Because I had put my feelings out there for him to see, and now it's up to him. And as I looked into his eyes, I was pretty sure what I saw raging in these grey depths wasn't pity or revulsion. But then his eyes cleared, his face turned free of every expression, and he said tonelessly:

"I just wanted to take you out on a friendly dinner to celebrate the end of your forced holiday. I really appreciate you as a friend, but there will never be more. I'm really sorry if I led you to believe that my feelings for you were anything else than deep friendship."

It sounded as if he had learnt it by heart. I just shook my head, slowly.

"Remus, we both know you're lying. Why are you doing this to me and to yourself?"

But he didn't answer, which made me really angry. As he turned away, I took the next best object on my nightstand and hurled it at the back of his head.

"Sure, run away, be a coward. That's going to help. You know what? I never want to speak to you ever again!" He almost tripped when the heavy book hit him, but then he stumbled to the door and left my room without looking back.