A/N: Just a little something I thought of while watching fireworks last night. Well it's about a month and a half ago now. That's how long it's taken me to finish this. The point of view changes suddenly and maybe more than once. Hope its not too confusing. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: CJ isn't mine…but I think you knew that.
The fireworks aren't loud enough anymore.
As a child my favorite part of summer were the fireworks. I looked forward to them every year. I still do. I loved them all, the sparkly ones, the big ones and the ones that made cool designs in the sky but my favorites always were the ones that would be so loud you would feel as if your heart were breaking in two, like it was exploding inside your chest and not in the sky.
This year was a bit different. They don't have that affect anymore. Not on me at least. My heart is already in shreds and further damage is impossible. And this isn't the momentary feeling after a particularly horrendous boom and the effects aren't temporary, but permanent. There's only one person who can reverse the effects, however that won't be happening anytime soon.
As Jordan stood looking out her office window, silent tears ran down her cheeks. She was beyond sobs at this point. Her body was too weak, too spent to muster that type of energy. The last two months had been that hard on her. She couldn't remember a time when something had affected her this significantly. Even the weeks after her mother's murder were nothing compared to this.
She had spent the first week after the shooting and Woody's rejection in her apartment. Her phones were off and the door was locked. She spent her time crying, sleeping and staring out the window at the sky, hoping it would open up and grab her from the disaster her life had become. She wished it had been a rainy, stormy summer so that all of Boston could share in her misery. She smiled bitterly as she thought that she probably had cried so many tears she could have made it happen herself.
She didn't feel like a person anymore. She had no personality. She didn't laugh anymore; she saw no humor in any part of life except in what hers had become. She did love Woody, she really did. And she knew, well she thought she knew, that he loved her too. Apparently, he didn't love her enough, because he rejected her without the blink of an eye. It was enough of a shock to tear her out of reality almost completely.
She had always thought that this could never happen to her. She didn't think loving her was possible on anyone else's behalf and she certainly didn't think she was possible of loving anyone else in return. She had been through so much emotional trauma to believe that her heart was in a big enough of apiece to actually give it to someone else.
But somehow it had happened. She had fallen in love. A concept she barely could wrap her mind around. If someone was strong enough to put up with all of her shit and still be able to love her despite of all of her problems and issues, then they were obviously someone trustworthy enough that she could love them without being afraid of being hurt.
Woody did this for her. He was strong enough. Someone who had almost as many problems as she did but knew how to handle them with a positive outlook on life, that was the person she could learn from and love in return.
But somewhere, along the long road to this place she had landed, something had snapped. She'd lost her farm boy to the harsh realities of life and she didn't know if she'd ever get him back. Or whether she could handle it if she didn't.
The truth was she was almost completely losing it. On the outside she looked and acted like the same person she had always been. But if you looked close enough, her eyes lacked their usual sparkle and were reduced to a dull brown that carried no sign of life. She was miserable. She couldn't even think of words to describe how bad she actually felt about the situation. Not that she really would be able to if she could.
She was confused and the more time that passed the more confused she became. Not because she was unaware of her feelings for Woody, but because she didn't know how she really felt about what had happened between them in the hospital room. Everything had happened so fast, that she hadn't had time to process what she was actually thinking. She moved on instinct and just did what her heart, instead of her mind was telling her.
There was one time, shortly after she emerged from the solitude of her apartment that she actually found herself at the hospital after her shift. She was still, at the time, moving on autopilot, her body in one reality and her mind in another. She was surprised to see herself outside of Woody's room. It was late and she wasn't surprised to see that he was sleeping. Even in sleep, he looked terrible. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind, she concluded that he looked even worse than she did.
She found herself wondering how they had come to this place, when only a few short months, or was it weeks, they were on the path to something perhaps resembling a real, adult relationship.
She stood there for a ridiculous amount of time. Not really thinking, just looking in at something that she had been forced to leave behind. She resisted the urge, more than once, to just go into the room. To do what, she didn't know, hold his hand, lay down beside him?. She had no clue, she just wanted to be close to him, remind herself that he was still real, that he was alive and that the situation was still very, very real.
As he began to stir, she finally left, not wanting to be caught when it was very clear she was not wanted. She returned to her apartment and drowned herself in a bottle of the first thing she found, not really caring what it was, as long as it made her forget. She regretted it the next day of course, but it was still worth it to numb the pain, even for a few hours.
Jordan's thoughts returned to the present as a particular loud blast awakened her mind. They still weren't quite what she was looking for, but it was enough for now. She wanted to believe that she and Woody still stood a chance. And maybe they did. They were too connected to stay away from each other forever. They did, after all, still have to work together. Their pasts and futures were very real and very intertwined.
Maybe someday, they could find enough strength to overcome all their differences and find an understanding. Maybe someday they could be friends again or maybe more. Maybe one day the fireworks would be loud enough to make her jump and her heart feel like it was breaking all over again. She stood there for a few moments longer as the last of the fireworks ended, a slight twinge in her chest signaling that maybe there was hope for her yet.
A/N: This turned out way different than I expected it to. Sorry if the ending sucked…I've never been good at endings. I may revise this at some point, though I'm not sure about that. Reviews and constructive criticism are as always welcome. Flames are not.