A/N: I am impatient and I am putting this up a
day ahead, if only because I also don't trust the network at my
college, it cuts out all the time.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, the people who made Troy/ the person who could have been Homer does.
Dedication: To Queen Arwen! Happy 16th birthday! Yay! I hope you like this and if not then that Joe kisses you for his birthday present to you.
I look at the bed, once so warm and welcoming now so cold and unimaginably big. I can't sleep in it anymore, I can't sleep anymore. I lie there and stare up, willing sleep to come. I cannot sleep, I don't want to eat. I am told to live for our son, my son. Yet every time I look at him, though he is still a babe in arms, he still looks more and more like Hector every day.
Hector, the name, the thought, conjures horrible images in my mind. I can't clock them, the feelings, and the tears that fallow. I have to be strong, the people of Troy look to me, to be strong and live. As a daughter of Thebe and a princess of Troy I should be the strong one and hold my head high.
But the looks of pity I get, the looks of sorrow seem to undo me. I want to run, scream, cry, and breakaway from all the emotions that those looks stir inside me, from all the emotions that each day brings. I cry myself to sleep, if I even do sleep, yet during the day my head is high, no tears will leave my eyes, none that others can see at least. During the day I care for my son, live for my son.
I have been told that Hector died a brave death, that he will be welcomed, once he is sent, in the Elysian Fields. Is this to be of comfort to me? Should I tell this to Astyanax if he asks where his father is? Is this enough? Should I tell him of nothing more till he knows of war and death? Is he ever to live till then? If the Achaeans take the city, will they let any son of Troy live? I do not believe they will spare the son of Hector, nor will they spare me.
Today is not that day, however. Priam left to retrieve Hector's body, for a proper funeral. So I am to wait, with the others, for his return. With a veil to cover my face, I retrieve Astyanax and begin to journey to where we will all wait.
The veil hides the tear streaks on my checks. Waiting, just sitting and enduring the looks and then the sounds of Astyanax, bubbling or crying and I would want to run and just be away from everything.
I wish I could just not feel anymore. Everyone around me seems to be able to hold in what they feel, or not feel at all. I try, try so hard, and then they still come out, when I don't want. I can't keep being like this.
Astyanax has become a dead weight in my arms, once so playful and welcome, now he seems like a burden. More and more he is with his nurse, more and more can I not be around people. The little time I am in the room with everyone I feel stifled, trapped. I give Astyanax to his nurse and quickly make my exit.
With all the dignity and courage I can muster I do not run to my chambers, I do not let tears flow away from my chambers. My steps are slow and even, not betraying anything. The servants pass, never speaking a word and averting their eyes as they have learned to.
As I begin my climb up the stairs I begin to have the entirety of the world creep up within me. The higher I go, the more it becomes real. Suddenly I stop. I can't be inside any longer. I rush down the stairs, out the door and into the courtyard.
The air feels wonderful. I cannot say why, but I feel free, if only for this moment. I take off my veil and let the breeze harden my tears and make them disappear. I feel free and unchanged like none of what Fate wove for me has happened.
And then I hear the cries, announcing the return of Priam, and Hector. No, not Hector, for his spirit is not with it. Just his body, nothing more, nothing any more.
Now I must face everyone again, yet this time if I were to weep no one would look down upon it, for they know how hard it is for they have lost a great and noble man as well. They have lost a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend. I have lost more than that, I have lost part of me, a part I never knew I had until it was gone.
And now to face the truth, to face the tears, the sorrow, the loneliness. I take Astyanax back from his nurse; it only seems fitting to hold him now, to try to keep him close to me.
I see others, Hecuba sobbing, her daughter Elpis trying to comfort her, though her own tears are flowing freely. Paris, head held high, though there are tears on his face as well, Helen, who even though I want to, I can not blame nor can I blame Paris for this. The gods have written this fate for us, and trying to blame them would be the wrong, they could not help themselves.
Then Priam returns and we go out to great him. I try to keep my eyes only on what is in front of me, never looking to the sides. But my curiosity, the same that brought down Pandora, curses me. I look and see the shroud. I can't move, my breath catches in my throat. I try quickly to find my voice, lest I drop to the ground with Astyanax in my arms.
"Elpis." I mutter softly, not trusting my voice above that. She turns and sees my face and quickly she moves over. "Please, take Astyanax." I hold him out to her.
"I will take him to his nurse." She says.
I stand and I feel as small as an ant. I feel like I am drowning, I take a deep breath to try to hold back my sobs. It only seems to encourage them. I feel the tears well up behind my eyes; my body shakes with unreleased sorrow, my legs wanting to give way.
I lose my battle with my emotions. Waves of despair wash over me and I feel the sobs not only on my face, but they wrack my body. My head hurts, my throat feels like fire, but I can't stop. Helen turns in time to try to catch me as my legs give way beneath me.
She says something to Paris, but I do not hear it over my sobs or the ringing in my ears. Helen helps me up and guides me back to my chambers. She sits, is my shoulder to cry on, while I let out everything that I have kept inside these past few days.
Yet some how, I feel better than I did before.
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