Chapter 4: Heartaches and Horrors

The former Sins didn't have much of a chance to talk to Reg alone until Elly took a shower. The good news was they wouldn't be able to hurt him too badly before she was finished. The bad news was she wouldn't be able to hear him, no matter how loud he screamed.

"Wrath, puppy," Lust started gently,"you know we want you to be happy, right?"

Reg glared daggers at her. "There's a 'but' coming, isn't there?"

"Damn right, there's a 'but'. Elysia Hughes!" Envy shook his head out of frustration, and his pony tail fell out entirely. "I mean, how many women are there in college, and you hone in on Elysia fricking Hughes?"

"What Envy means to say," translated Sloth in the same soothing tones Lust had been using, "is that we think maybe you should reconsider..."

"HEY! I'm saying exactly what I want to say. She's bad news, Wrath. Think about it. She's just using you to get at us. To get at me. People who swear revenge can be deranged."

"Of course. It's always about you, isn't it, Envy?' snarled Reg, seriously considering strangling him with his bare hands. "There's no way that for once you weren't involved in some damn event in MY life. God forbid I should fall in love with somebody without your knowledge and approval, right?"

"He doesn't mean it like that, Wrath. He just doesn't want you getting hurt."

"HIM?" Reg lost it and turned the table over. "Protecting me? That's rich. I wouldn't be in this damn mess if he didn't go around shooting whoever he felt like!"

"I didn't 'just feel like it'. He needed to be taken care of."

"WHY?"

The others just exchanged patient looks with one another. It was the kind of pause you get when you ask a question that the other person doesn't really have a great answer for. (i.e. Why don't you go back to the alchemists who created you and have them make you souls?)

Reg, close to tears, broke a convenient chair by slamming it against the floor. Sometimes he just needed to destroy something. "You didn't even know me! You were plotting to ruin my life before you even knew me! Before I was even ALIVE!"

"Wrath..."Gluttony sat perfectly still as a piece of the former chair hurled inches from his head and smashed through a picture frame.

"Puppy, you need to tell her."

"I DON'T NEED TO DO ANYTHING!" screamed Reg back at Lust, bringing his foot down defiantly in some broken glass. "I don't see why I should be punished for something Envy did years ago. It's not fair!"

"Since when has Life been fair to you, Wrath?"

"Well, it's high time it started, don't you think?"

"Look at the larger perspective. If you tell her, what's the worst she could do to you?"

Reg burst into tears and slumped against a wall. "She could hate me."

"She could kill you," Greed brightly added what he apparently thought was helpful. Reg sobbed even harder. Greed didn't seem to notice.

"Wrath, think about this. We can't act like normal people every time she comes over. Eventually, she's going to find out. How is up to you." Reg was considering that suicide had its ups. "Remember how you felt when you found out about...all this? Remember how you wished we had told you? Don't you think she'd want to hear it from you?"

"I can't do it. You don't know how much she hates Envy."

Upstairs, the water turned off.

---

When Elly got back downstairs, Reg was just helping clear away the dishes from a perfectly orderly room.

"Reg, darling?"

Reg glanced up, about to say "I haven't been crying. What do you mean?" but this wasn't necessary.

"I forgot my shampoo. Do you think we could run to WalMart?"

---

Reg trudged down the main aisle of the oversized store halfway between Elly, in the lead, and Envy, walking in an unusual stiff-legged gait. This was slowing them down a little, so Reg hung back till he could catch up.

"Why are you walking like that? Is it too much to hope you've caught some horrible nerve disease and you're going to die a painful death soon?"

"Fighting... urge... to kick... things..."growled Envy through clenched teeth. Reg hurried over to Elly's side before something (i.e. Reg) could get kicked.

---

Back at the house, Lust was scratching a random design in the table with her fingernail. "Elysia Hughes. Elysia Fricking Hughes..."

"So, how crazed to you think humans get when they lose their parents in tragic accidents early in life?" Sloth asked. "Crazy enough to, say... kill their fiancees? And their fiancees' families?"

Gluttony wasn't sure. "It wasn't exactly an accident..."

"SHUT UP! IT WAS TOO!" shrieked Lust. "They were playing with guns, and Envy didn't know it was loaded. Everybody got that?"

"Lust," Cowering, Gluttony peaked out from behind his hands. "I'm not sure that's going to work..."

Sloth brushed some sawdust off the table. "Damn you, Envy. Why couldn't you have just SHOT him? I mean, he didn't have to turn into what's-her-face."

"Maybe we should take all the weapons out of the house..." Lust suggested, then shook her head. That was impossible. Every room was a small armory. Swords peppered the walls, every bedroom was well stocked with its owner's supply of armaments, and several hidden compartments held a wide range of firearms. In fact, the very gun that had performed the unfortunate Maes' coup de grace was sitting around there somewhere. Lust couldn't be sure, but she thought it might be in the rec room. One day they were going to have to clean that mess out. Maybe she could find those pictures of Wrath in that miniskirt before he grew up and learned better. And those press clippings from Envy's Broadway days. She stood up.

"I'm going to mix myself a very strong drink. Anyone else want one?"

---

Completely in her own little world, Elly skipped down the aisle, stopping briefly to drag Reg to the section that sold wedding related items. He didn't exactly object. She was very sweet, and Reg was very in love with her, and there was so much sugar-coated pink icing type stuff going on that Envy decided to wander off, possibly to find a restroom and throw up.

A display advertised talking Sponge-Bob Square-Pants dolls, inviting him to 'try me, I talk.' Envy examined one with interest, then pressed the button.

"F is for friends who do stuff together. U is for you and me!" pipped Sponge-Bob. Envy tried to clap a hand over its mouth.

"N is for anywhere anytime at all," sang the doll in a tinny, happy voice. "Down here in the deep blue sea!"

Envy picked up the box and shook it.

"F is for friends who do stuff together," continued the sponge.

It occurred to Envy that it might be possessed. He scooted away.

"U is for you and me!"

Busy watching the possessed doll, Envy lost his balance and fell backward into a box full of pillows. He was trapped.

"N is for anywhere anytime at all down here in the deep blue sea!" laughed the demonic toy, its eyes glowing red. (Not really, but to Envy it looked like it.)

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" he shrieked.

"F is for friends!"

---

Sloth took another sip from her martini glass. "So, I wake up, and the house is on fire, and I'm like... what a wonderful world."

"Is it just me, or is the average IQ around here just a little lower than the norm for sheep?" Lust laughed drunkenly. "Did I ever tell you about that Rose girl? Man... talk about crazy. I mean..."

"Oh, yeah. That get-rich-quick pyramid scheme with the fake philosopher's stones. That was a good gig. We cashed in on that one. Shame Envy couldn't keep it up."

Gluttony tossed back his third martini. "'S like Greed always says. Never underestimate stupid people in large groups."

---

"...Anywhere anytime at all down here in the deep blue sea!"

"HELP! IT'S COMING TO GET ME!"

---

Lust poured another drink, getting as much alcohol on the table as in the glass. "Yeah, where is Greed?"

"Who cares?" Gluttony muttered, sticking out his own glass. Lust made a fighting try at keeping her hands steady while filling it.

"I may be alone on this, but has anyone but me noticed how much Greed looks like Hughes? I mean, give him those funky little square glasses and a military uniform..."

Sloth prodded her olive around in the glass. "Oh my god. You're right."

"Wonder if they're related..."

---

"Elly! Look at these invitations! Aren't they gorgeous?" Reg asked. For the moment, he had forgotten his family problems. Right now, everything was fine.

"Oh, Reg! Those are darling!" squealed Elly, kissing him quickly on the cheek. "Oh, I almost forgot. Greg asked me to pick up some of that AlchemChalk® stuff."

Reg went pale. "Did he really?"

"Yes. What's wrong, dear?"

"We need to go find En... Connie."

"U is for you and me! N is for anywhere..."

"REG! HELP! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!"

Reg glanced around, then saw the hair sticking out of the pile of pillows. He briefly considered forcing Envy to apologize for various childhood traumas, but there was something more pressing to talk about, plus Elly didn't have anything Envy needed to apologize to her for, unless you count brutally murdering her father... so she helped him out.

"Thank you!" Envy hugged her. Reg almost killed him, but he thought that might seem over-protective.

"F is for friends who do stuff together!"

Much to Reg's relief, Envy turned his attention to Sponge-Bob and stomped on it mercilessly. "FIEND! Feel the wrath of the Palm Tree of Destruction! DIE DIE DIE!"

"Connie," Reg interrupted. "We need to talk."

"What is it?"

"Greg asked Elly to buy him some chalk."

That made Envy look up. "Chalk? Like, for alchemy?" Reg nodded grimly. After all they had been through, the majority of the Sins realized that alchemy got you nothing but fake limbs, misery, and homunculi, and the majority were damned if they would ever have anything to do with it. Greed was the exception. "Oh God, not again. Well, if he's going to dabble, the damn recluse can get the money himself, get off his butt, and buy his own stuff."

"Should we tell Natasha?"

Envy stared at him blankly before Lust's alias registered. "Yeah, later. No big deal."

"Down in the deep... blue... F is for friends... you is for deep blue deep blue..." the dying toy stuttered with its dying breath. Reg and Envy walked away, followed by a completely confused Elly.

Through a weird coincidence, the broken circuitry on Sponge-Bob caused it to whisper, in a children-of-the-corn voice, "I'm coming to get you, Envy."