A DANDY & COMPANY FAN-FIC
REDUX
Intro
Alright, since I don't really know what to make this here fan-fiction about. I'm just gonna wing it. But it has to be original, never heard of, and completely entertaining. Because anything less would almost immediately make who ever reading this put it away and forget about it. Moving rite along, this fictional of fictional stories is going to be about the characters in the web comic, "Dandy and Company". Mostly because I am a fan of said comic…heck I would even draw page after page of inspired fan art by it if I could. But by just looking at my hands you can tell they weren't made for drawing. What they are intended to do for the rest of my life that will make me who I am is still rather undetermined.
So for now I'm going to write a story about Dandy and company. I do apologize if I leave it a bit short in the fancy detail department. Though imagination is what story's are for in this case.
Too get started, I would have to think of something that Dandy would get himself into. Though up to this point, after following the comic, it's hard to say what hasn't been done before. Maybe I could make up a story that takes the characters out of their normal environment and put them in a someplace else where they can be themselves but still fit in. Like maybe the stone-age…
The Actual Story
"UG, ME, BIRD-NARD, WE, GO, HUNT, FOR, FOOD, NOW." It was a dark gloomy cave and the cliché water dripping from the ceiling was in working order, same as Bird-Nard's one track mind at the moment. Much like how all "one track minds" work, there is always one thought echoing the whole time in such cavern ness heads. And in this case as you had already guessed, "food". Bird-Nard stood there acting as his impatient self at his companion toward this usual matter. Staring at the curled up creature that is at this moment clinching its eyes shut as hard as it could and doing what ever possible to present the gesture, "go away".
Ignoring all this, Bird-Nard banged his chunk of wood that he calls his favorite smacky thingy onto the hard rock ground, causing some annoying echoes throughout the cave. This forced the creature to finally give up sleeping in and so it slowly opened its tired but uneasy eyes. Managing to get off the slab of rock covered in old leaves and clumps of things best left off not saying.
Making his way toward out side where laid adjacent a pond, the creature knelt down by it. Still fully awake in the bright ridden day and ready prepared was Bird-Nard, who is now grinding his grimy choppers. And scratching his louse infested blond hair underneath his crude fur skinned hat with a long skinny bone that belonged to some squirrel in the top middle of it. Also for whom is wearing is the usual loin cloth you see on most flicks about cave people. And just as well for heck of it some shoes that are also made fur. Not very durable I know, but who wants to wear a pair of sandals made of stone or something. Anyway enough about that, Bird-Nard's been ranting about…well something…it's kind of hard to understand him with out getting a headache so I try to ignore him, much to the same as the creature's dismay.
"WE, GO, NOW!" Bird-Nard bellowed while smacking the chunk of wood again at the ground behind his companion. The creature was still looking at its own image in the ponds water, ignoring its surroundings. But first, as disgusting as it sounds, moving as smoothly as it could the scum floating at the surface to get a better look at itself.
"Scruffy" is the word that comes to mind when one looks at such a creature. Which is at this moment what it is thinking, so trying as it might makes an attempt to smoothen out its mussed up fur it established after trying so vigorously to fall asleep last night on that stinking mess of a bed. The creature is short in stature, around three feet or so, roughly a foot shorter than Bird-Nard. Its fur, now fashioned to its liking, is rather a sort of brown with an orange belly in the middle front. It also has a sort of a short tail on its lower back and a patch of orange fuzz lying on the top of its head. And has kind of a big snout to boot, along with a make-shift squirrel fur collar around its narrow neck. Yeah I know it kind of reminds yah of a dog, but let's just say this is the missing link of the species and leave it at that.
"HUNT, WE MUST DO. MOMMA AND DADDA, GONE, THEY HAVE, FOR SUMMER RESORT IN HAWIA. LAND, THAT IS STILL NOT KNOWN TO US IN THIS TIME AGE. BUT STILL, THEY GO, LEAVING YOU, AND I TO FEND, FOR OUR SELVES. SO HUNT, WE MUST DO, BRAVE AGAINST THE SCARY BADNESS OF, THE JUNGLE, WE-." "WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT?" Screamed the now fully awake creature. "Sorry Dandy just trying to get into character." Bird-Nard answered. "YOU SOUND MORE LIKE WILLIAM SHATNER THAN A CAVEMAN!" Yelled Dandy, now more aggravated than he was when first woke up this morning. Dandy gets up from looking at himself in the pond and makes his way toward the jungle with Bird-Nard following. "So Dandy what do you feel like eating for breakfast?" asked Bird-Nard. "How bout a whole mess of shut up for starters" snapped Dandy for who is still not quite awake. Ignoring Dandy's remark, Bird-Nard looks around as they hike on through the jungle looking for something to dine on.
Jungles are never a good place to trudge on through. There's always something there to make your day a rotten one. Bugs mostly, and this being the stone-age, pests were pretty big back than. Heck Bird-Nard's still trying to get over his mosquito bite from last week or so. Trust me, you don't want to know how big the bite is now, let's just say it's wearing a hat and carrying around a chunk of wood.
"Ow!" Dandy yelped. "What was that!" A silence fell upon the jungle; Bird-Nard looked around the ground and noticed some kind of green melon and picked it up. Dandy was rubbing the back of his head and noticed the fruit in Bird-Nards hand than snatched it from him. The only noticeable noise was the wind rustling through the trees which was almost distracting Dandy as he was listening and looking for who or what that hit him with a green melon.
A small hint of danger began to creep up Bird-Nards being but couldn't help noticing his breakfast in Dandy's hand. Every second that went by felt annoying in a since to Dandy because not knowing what just hit him out of nowhere spurned him vigorously. But before he decided to yell "anybody there" a shrieking noise shot out of the thick brush in some direction. Thus startling Bird-Nard to a state of panic in which he grabbed Dandy by the arm and ran. "Ow!" "Hey!" If there was something for Dandy to get unfavorably smacked by, it would do so. "Ah!" "Son of a-!"
All of a sudden Bird-Nard stopped and dropped Dandy's hand. "Cough couph" "Are you satisfied with yourself you moron!" Dandy shouted with his face laced with a few sticky leaves. He than got up and noticed what Bird-Nard was looking at with a rather calm now but a bit troubled expression. The two of them are standing not too far from a ghastly tar pit surrounded by atrocious dirt. The smell stung everyone's nose in the nearby vicinity. "Wow that smells…" Bird-Nard pointed out. "Yes…well hello there you salivating canine." Greeted an orange and short kitty from behind with what seemed to be long artificial looking fangs hanging from his mouth. "Did you have a scare back there?" The cat asked spitefully whilst his big green eyes are fixed on Dandy as he was holding a makeshift loud speaker horn constructed of a couple big leaves in his hand.
"Koko you freak of a cat, you…" All of a sudden the tar pit behind Koko disappeared out of existence which caught Dandy completely off guard. Bird-Nard barely had time to react since Dandy came very close to falling on his back if he didn't catch him. "What, what is it?" Koko asked. Every noise in the jungle stopped…just stopped. Now very bemused, Dandy, Bird-Nard and Koko witnessed everything around them bit by bit start to disappear. The trees, the rocks, the sky even, till there was nothing but blankness surrounding them. Much as you would expect, they shouted what's going and on and among other things. In an instant the sound of foot steps creped up over a distance. Bird-Nard pointed out in the expanding blank horizon a figure coming toward them. They still couldn't quite make out who it was but they could distinguish it was sort of big. Bird-Nard thinking to himself that it might be the cartoonist but is still remains rather unsure if it is him or not. The sound of the foot steps grew louder giving a slight echo through the vastness of the blank terrain.
A voice ruptured over the distance, almost startling Bird-Nard. "Hello!" it said with a slight since of gladness in its tone. Now but a few feet away stood the figure. "Who and what are you!" Demanded Dandy. "I am the guy who is writing this here Fan-Fic." The figure answered. "What happened to everything?" Asked Bird-Nard who is still trying to calm himself. "I ran out of ideas…if you read what I had earlier you would have saw that I'm that just winging this whole entire thing. "So wait, were in a Fan-Fic?" Dandy asked just to be sure. "Well you three were, but since I couldn't think of what to happen next, I'm just going to put it on hold for a while." The figure explained. "Oh and here's your green collar back, and Koko, here's your green tie-bow." Dandy tosses away the fur collar and puts on the regular one as he mutters to himself on how moronic this all is. "Did you tell Derrick Fish that you're doing this?" Dandy asked with resentment. "No not yet, I don't really think he would notice if his characters are missing for a short while anyway". The figure countered.
All of sudden the figure snapped his fingers and a small dressing room appeared behind them. "Bird-Nard if you wouldn't mind, go in there and change back into your usual outfit." "Bird-Nard? What kind of cave name is that?" solicited Dandy. "Well I'm lousy with names, what do you expect?" Responded the figure. "Something original if you're going to do a Fan-Fic." Dandy Retorted. "Pop, pop!" "Finally I got those foul tasting false fangs out." Koko said with minor relief. A slightly pained expression showed up on Dandy's face. "Nice…Bernard are you finished in there!" Dandy shouted. "Just about!" Bernard answered. The figure snapped his fingers again and the trio found themselves in some fancy restaurant.
Present was smooth flowing wall to wall carpet of a tender shade of blue lay upon the floor. Exceptionally sleek flowing white curtains hung on each monumentally huge window, leasing golden beams of light to shine on through, creating a sort of regal feel to the restaurant. Clearly maximum comfort was the idea when this place was built.
Dandy, Bernard and the figure are now sitting together at one of the fine-looking tables. Bernard is busy fiddling with his glass of water, trying to make that sort of humming noise with it. Gives up and puts the glass back down, now glancing at the figure but at the same time trying to look around the restaurant as much as possible. Dandy sat slumping in his chair, kicking one of his feet into the air under the table, being board as ever. The figure was nervous since he wasn't sure how to start up a conversation about the present condition.
A short waiter in tux approached and inquired distastefully what they would like to start off with. Bernard requested a root beer soda; Dandy just sat there continuingly kicking his left foot into the air under the table but than kicked as hard as could thereby shaking the glasses of water and everything else there. "Ahhh!" Yelped Koko and now a little soaked by the complimentary cup of water that fell over on top of him. Grumbling incoherently, Koko turned around and marched to the kitchen where in he saw a small dog with light brown hair and a sort of orange hair on top its big head. Who which, is standing on the top of a tall stool while trying to stir a large pot full of tomato soup with a long wooden spoon in his little hands.
"Hey Koko, why are you all wet?" "Don't ask…" The little guy watched him walk on over to a roll of paper towel. Stepping through the doors to the kitchen was this dog about the height of Dandy with light and slightly dark gray fur and wearing a tuxedo. "Snuffles, stop looking at the wet kitty and gets back to wurk!" "Yes Mistake sir!" Snuffles scrambled to a counter and put down the dirty plates he was carrying and began cleaning them vigorously in the sink. "You doof butt, use dah dish wusher to clean those dishes!" "Sorry sir!"
There was a bit of edgy tension in the ambiance of the table. The figure was trying to think of a good place to start any conversation at the moment, but nothing came up, so he settled on asking what he believed to be called, "the default question". Which is, mind you, is asking Dandy and Bernard what they think of the place, and did so. Dandy straightened himself up in his seat and just rested his elbows on the table with his head sitting between his hands.
Overwhelmed was the look on Bernard's face when he noticed the painting behind him hanging on the tall pearly white wall. The colors, the detail, everything about it would make you want to gaze upon it for eternity. It was a painting of a Campbell's soup can, which is stupid I know, but it's what artsy fartsy people go crazy for. Bernard shook the feeling off and replied that the place looks awesome. The figure concurred and stated that this restaurant is what dreams are made of only except you have to give a tip once you're finished.
Koko returned with Bernard's drink in hand and inquired what will be had for lunch with same sort of distastefulness from earlier only a little stronger now. "Oh I think we'll just have some small sirloin stakes, medium rare, with fries on the side. Those sound alright with you two?" "Yeah that will do fine." Bernard responded. The figure and Koko both looked at Dandy awaiting his accord. Bernard went back to trying to make that hum noise but with the root bear glass this time. Dandy let out a slight sigh and grumbled "whatever".
The waiter left with their orders, now ascending the long moment where the meal is busy being prepared. Dandy finally asked the question that would get things moving with everything. "So what are we going to do in this "Fan-Fic"?" "Well to tell you the truth I'm not entirely sure." "I mean coming up with something fun and entertaining is rather difficult when take a look at what Mr. Derrick Fish has done already with you two." "I still can't get over how funny it was that time Bernard here turned into a were-wolf." "What?" "Nothing Bernard" "Anyway we gotta do something…" The figure started contemplating hard on the matter while Dandy and Bernard were busy being board and or distracted.
Dandy gets up from the table starts for the door. "Where are you going?" The figure stipulated. "I'm off; you two ubber-geeks can do what ever you want here! I'm going home!" Dandy shouted as he left. Now out side, Dandy is a little more upset than he was a moment ago. The figure and Bernard caught up with him and are standing behind Dandy. "Where in the world is everything, there's nothing here but the stinkin' restaurant!" Dandy shouted with frustration. The figure reminded him that they're still trying to do a "Fan-Fic" and that anything's possible here and all that. (You might be wondering why I didn't make the meals appear rite away after being ordered. Well if I did do that than it would just spoil the fun of waiting like every one else does in restaurants. Where families, friends and others get to sit there in addition to staring off into space or actually talk with one and other. It's just how things are done in those places. Now let's continue with the insignificant plot here.) Bernard is rather content with things while he stood there sipping his root beer through a straw. Fancy restaurant style root beer is always really good.
Now pacing back forth, Dandy try's to think of a way out of this. To bring life to things the figure decides to snaps his fingers and the trio is now standing in the midst of a familiar but unsettling place. "Let dah games begin!" Emperor Mistake shouted. Dandy and Bernard stood there baffled and shocked. The trumpets played, the crowds cheered, and the lions roared. "Were in a Roman arena!" Bernard shouted in astonishment. The three of them were sitting not far from the battle grounds of the sweltering stadium. "You're on Dandy." The figure said, than picked him up by his shoulders and handed him down to the nameless gladiators below on the grounds. "Hey what are you doing, let go!" Dandy shouted while trying to struggle his way free. "Here he is pee pole of Rome!" Emperor Mistake announced with his arms in the air while Koko stood there to his side dressed in a toga and fanning him, "Diablo Dog!" he continued. "What!"
"And his openy nint is the great Amazon like war 'e' er, "Audreious the Fierce"!" Slowly the heavy metal doors on the other side of the arena open and stepping out is a four foot or so girl with all sorts of armor decked out on her from head to toe. She marched out in the open mean while the trumpets played for her with her sword raised proudly up. "You gotta be kidding me!" Dandy shouted as all sorts of panicking thoughts popped up swiftly through his mind. "Well I figured since you were acting so bored that I'd shake things up a bit!" The figure called out.
"Go Audreious!" Bernard cheered. "Hey!" Dandy barked. "Well what do you expect Dandy!" He just rolled his eyes and looked around for something. "Don't I get a sword at least!" "Do you know how to use one?" The figure asked. Audreious began charging toward Dandy. "Yes, now give me one!" "Here yah go." The figure snapped his fingers and high up above a sword materialized and fell. "Oh crud…" Not but a few feet away now, Audreious was yelling her battle cry which came to a sudden stop. The sword had landed smack dab on top of her helmet handle side down which knocked her unconscious thus making her drop her sword and fall to her back.
"Of all the dumb luck." Dandy said. "Alright, were done, take us home, now!" Dandy demanded. "Not yet" The figure snapped his fingers and now the three are in the most disturbing environment Dandy has ever seen. "Cap en, were being haled by the Borg." Mistake said as he was bouncing up and down in his seat while dressed in a yellow and black uniform. Sitting next to him was Mister Fuzzy pressing all sorts of buttons on his panel. "Sir, should we answer their hale?" He asked. "What?" Dandy was still trying to get a grip on things but than he noticed something. "I'm bald!" "Dandy calm down, I since you're upset." "Oh good call Maryweather…whoa." Sitting next to Dandy was someone he didn't really expect to see at this time and place. "Is that a purple jumpsuit you're wearing?" Dandy asked.
"We are the Borg, resistance is futile." A metallic sounding voice said. Dandy turned his attention from Maryweather to the huge wide screen, "Pumpkin…" "Join us, you can not win." "Bernard you watch this show more than I do, what…what are you doing?" Bernard was slightly giggling, "I have a beard and mustache…" He said. Dandy was very frustrated by all this, wishing it was all over and than made a decision. "That's it, I don't care, fire everything we got at them." "But that never really works Dandy, because on the show they run away from the Borg or just beam aboard their ship and mess with them." Bernard mentioned. "But I don't have time for all that, I just want to get this nerd-fest over with and go home!" "Fine, you got it!" "I wanted to make this spoof last a bit longer but no, you just want to go home!" The figure stepped in the bridge from the elevator in the back and snaps his fingers.
"Finally!" Dandy shouted with expressed relief. It was home and everything there was to it. Opening the front door and running in, Dandy makes his way for the couch and falls down on its cushions. The figure and Bernard follow him inside to see Dandy had already made himself comfortable where as lying on his back with the T.V. remote in hand. Bernard slumps down on the other end of the couch and with the glass of root beer still with him. "Where did you get that?" Dandy asked demandingly. "The restaurant." "You mean you had it with you the whole time!" "Yeah it's really good you know." Aggravated, Dandy gets up and takes the drink from Bernard, goes to the kitchen and dumps what's left into the sink and leaves the cup there. Upon returning to the living room a thought just came back to Dandy about what he wanted in the very first place. Beginning to think of the possibilities, Dandy looks around for the phone but than remembers it's in the kitchen.
"Either one of you two have any money on you?" Dandy asked shouting from the kitchen. "I have a twenty, is that enough?" The figure responded. "Yeah, yeah it will do fine" Reacted Dandy.
Attempting to strike a conversation, the figure asks Bernard how things have been. "Not so bad. I know things look pretty hectic in the web comic every now and than, but it's just acting you know." The figure concurred, before Bernard asked him the same question. "Well things have been moving kind of slow in my life so I figured that I'd keep myself busy by trying to write that Fan-Fic." "Alright" Bernard agreed.
Dandy walks in and noticed the figure was sitting in the arm chair and had already sat the twenty on the arm of the couch next to Bernard. On the T.V. was some cooking show, the chef on camera was detailing how to make buffalo turkey wings. "To make the sauce you have to melt the butter and sauté garlic for 3 minutes. Add flour and stir, making a roux and cook for five minutes, stirring. Than slowly add the hot sauce, while whisking constantly to avoid lumps, and add vinegar. Put the oven on low flame and cook until thickened and the roux have cooked out. Cool and pack for transport." All of sudden an idea just dawned on Dandy. "Now I remember what I forgot to order, chicken wings!" Dandy shouted in realization. All of sudden the door bell rang, realizing who it is, Dandy speeds for the twenty on the arm of the couch and heads for the front door.
"Here's you're stinking pizza, canine." "I don't want to know." Dandy said indifferently as he shoved the twenty in Koko's face and took the pizza box from him. The bunch sat there in their spots gnashing on pizza while now channel surfing. Beginning to forget why the figure is here in the first place, Dandy asks abruptly in the middle of a bite. "So are we going to do a real "Fan-Fic" or just run around spastically?" "Actually it's almost finished since the objective of this loose plot has been cleared and all that." The figure replied. "Do what?"
Outside a ride arrived at the house, the figure got up from the arm chair, sweeping the crumbs off him self. "It's been fun guys, thanks for letting me hang out and stuff." The figure makes his way for the front door. Now very bemused, Dandy and Bernard follow him out side. "Whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean it's almost over, you mean every thing after the stone-age thing was part of it?" Dandy asked baffled. The figure opened the back left passenger door of the ride and said, "Yeah, pretty much. See yah, have fun." Dandy and Bernard waved goodbye as the figure got into the car and road away into the distance. "Well that was interesting" Bernard observed. "Whatever, as long it's over." Dandy stated.
Later that evening, Dandy was busy chatting online, than all of sudden an instant message window appeared on the side. The message was, "Dandy am I going to get those twenty bucks back?" Reading the same message a couple times just to make sure it says what he thinks it says, Dandy cry's out loud, "Oh for the love of!" "Just go away already!" "I'll go I'll go. Some ending this turned out." Dandy says to himself with deep dissatisfaction, "I really hate it when somebody try's to do something "fan" based with us sometimes…"
THE END