"I'm nothing." He looks in the mirror, covered by his invisibility cloak, staring at his reflection that is not there. "Nothing."
"C'mon, Harry." I'm practically carrying him. My body seems to have taken over for the moment. I cried and cried and cried and Harry held me, but now my eyes are completely dry. I can feel a kind of blanket of dullness and greyness hovering over my head but I'm trying to ignore it. I have to get Harry out of this house. He's been in this cage too long now.
I pull at him. I'm also covered in the cloak. I seemed to have silently persuaded him to come back to Hogwarts. He seems to have resigned to fate. He's being awfully quiet. Every time he looks at me, there's a terrible sadness and pain in his eyes. I wonder, not for the last time, just what exactly has been happening to Harry.
Leaving the door, he looks back. He stops walking and I fear for a minute that he's going to run back in. He looks afraid, unprepared. He looks to me, pleadingly but I shake my head. He can't hide anymore. I offer him the best attempt of a smile I have. He frowns back at me.
We walk to the bus stop. My arms are so tired, as I pull at him. He stops frequently, whispering under his breath, staring at inane objects, probably remembering things from his childhood I know virtually nothing about. I know I can't help him, I know I can't even help myself. I've never felt so bloody worthless in my life.
My parents are dead. It's like, I don't even care. I feel like it's just a horribly dull day and I'm looking out the window. Mildly depressed and run down, but not in pain. Just… under the weather. Miserable, yes, but not even close to tears.
I get on the bus, without the cloak, but he follows, still invisible. He sits on a seat, away from me. This saddens me, but I'm not quite sure why. He feels so far away to me now.
I get off and hear him behind me. We're in the train station. I go to a café, looking around, hoping he's still with me. I order a cup of tea and try to relax. It's not hard. I feel like I'm half asleep.
I hear him sit down on the chair opposite me. The place is quiet, it must be late. My tea comes and I cup it in my hands, letting the heat soothe me. I stare at where he should be, and hear him one whisper, "I'm nothing. Why does she even bother with me?" I know, without sight, that he is crying. He makes no noises, I just know. I sit there. I want to take the cloak from him, hug him, even shout at him, but instead I do nothing.
I'm not quite sure how long I've sat there. I realise that nothing, nothing, is ever going to be the same again. I don't know what is going through Harry's head. I need answers, though. I contemplate never going back to Hogwarts. I contemplate just giving up and becoming as lifeless as my parents. Why not? What else is there?
My eyes are wet. I'm ashamed. I wipe them away quickly, horrified, hoping Harry hasn't noticed. There's no time for that. I need Dumbledore to help me, to answer my questions, to make Harry turn back to Harry again. I need him.
"Harry, I'm going to have to go look for my broom. Would you like to come or are you going to sit here?" He doesn't answer, of course, but I know he'll come with me. He really doesn't have anywhere to go. I feel somewhat like he's depending on me, which is funny because I can barely support myself.
After finding it where I left it, I sit at the bench and watch the people hustle by. So many people, so many lives and problems and emotions… Do any of them feel like I feel now? How can they keep running past, if they knew? The misery inside me keeps building up, making my throat close. I can't swallow. My breathing is fast and light, I can't take a deep one. My heart flutters in the wind, feeling so delicate, waiting to be broken.
Silence has eluded both Harry and I and I am glad. Even if he wanted to talk, I have nothing to say.
Finally I go to the same quiet alleyway and climb on the broom. I feel his weight behind me. I take the cloak from him, it'll be blown off if he keeps it on. There's some charm I should use, but I don't care. I don't care if all the Muggles in the world sees me at the moment. We fly. I go slowly. I don't want to scare him. He looks around with wide eyes. He looks nervous. His hands lightly encircle my waist. I'm clutching the broom.
Hogwarts looms into our sight and I gently hover over it for a minute. If only we could stay on this broom forever, Harry and I, on this clear night. From up here, I can nearly forget it all. The silence between us is simple and understood. I don't want the silence to end.
The minute I touch ground, the silence does end. My head erupts full of thoughts. My body shakes, although I'm not quite sure why. The building has never felt so cold and horrible before. It's freezing out; the wind whips my hair around my face. I only notice the cold down here.
Harry crumbles to the ground. I turn, fully intending to pull him up but, seeing his pitiful expression, instead I just stare at him.
"I don't want to…" he cries. He's like a child, all of a sudden. Wide-eyed and innocent. So scared. "Please. Don't make me."
I can't fight him. Because I don't want to. I'm begging the same words. Please. Don't make me.
I suppose Hedwig must have felt Harry's presence because he's landed on Harry's arm, suddenly. Harry shakes him off, suddenly horrified, as if the bird has burnt him. The bird flies from him to me. I look at it and whisper, "Please. Please get Ron. Bring him here." The bird nips my finger and takes off.
"I hate this place." Harry turns to me. His voice is quiet but angry. "Why did you bring me here? I hate this place. I hate you. I hate myself. Because of you. Because of this place. Because of myself. Do you care?"
"Shut up, Harry," I snap, something side of me snapping also. "Just be quiet, will you?"
He looks wounded and defensive but says nothing.
I see Ron running towards me. I watch. His face is red and worried. He catches me into his arms and pull me into a bear hug. "Merlin, Hermione, where have you been? I thought- I thought I'd lost both of you-"
He turns suddenly and I know he's just seen Harry. He gasps, dashes towards him, throws his arms around him as well, and makes more gasping noises. Harry shoves him off roughly and pushes him to the ground. "NO! Stop! Bad, bad…" Harry turns to run but I petrify him with my wand. My wand, I forgot I had that.
Ron stares at Harry then comes to me. His face is flushed. "What-what is going on?"
I look at Harry then up at the sky. How I wish I was back there again…
"HERMIONE!" He grasps my shoulders and shakes me hard. This shaking brings something back into me, anger.
"Let go off me," I snarl. I thrust my wand into his face.
He looks at it with huge eyes, then promptly brings his hands up and snatch it off me. I jump on to him, prepared to kill him to get my wand back. That's all that matters, suddenly. I need my wand. I need to fight. I need to forget.
He throws me up back against a tree and pain curses through me. Too much pain, I can't accept anymore. He points his own wand at me and says, "Don't make me shun you, Hermione. I will, and I'll carry you and Harry straight to… Snape, unless you tell me, right now and completely calmly, what in the bloody hell is going on? Where was Harry? What's wrong with him? What's wrong with you? What happened?"
"What happened was… you were wrong. Harry should have talked about Sirius. But instead, he kept it all inside and then he exploded. You were wrong, like you're always wrong and I was right, like I always am, except you didn't listen to me. I told you we shouldn't go to the Department of Ministry, I told you he needed to talk about Sirius, I've always told you the right thing and yet you always do the wrong thing and now look at what you've done to Harry!"
It feels good to blame Ron. It feels good to see some of the pain I feel reflected in his eyes. The sheer sight of him, with his goofy pyjamas and vivid red hair, seems to start of fire inside me. I can't understand it, I can only feel it.
"Put that wand away from my face, Ron, before you do something else wrong, eh?" I am cruel. I feel cruel.
"What happened, Hermione?" He swallows. "What's making you say these things?"
I suddenly jump up and push against him. He's naturally much stronger and pushes me back against the tree, pinning me back. I fight against him, spitting and clawing, and he keeps restraining me. After a minute or two, I go quiet. My energy is suddenly all gone. All I want is for all of this to stop. He looks into my face, into my eyes and asks me earnestly, "What- what happened, Hermione?"
"My parents are dead, Ron. Voldemort killed them." My voice, which I expected to be bitter and flat, is weak and shaken.
"Oh Hermione…" All I see is him looking back at Harry, lying in the mud, and then me, pinned against the tree, with a terrible unfamiliar tear in his eye, before he waves his wand at me and I slump against the tree, fast asleep.
A few notes. I say it'll probably be Hermione/Harry, although again I'm not too sure. It's basically what comes out of the keyboard at this point. In the next chapter, there's the confrontation with Dumbledore and a more in-depth reason as to why Harry's gone a bit strange.
Thank yous:
Ptrst: I take all your notes into account. Thank you very much.
Illyria-light: Thanks for all your great reviews (Not just in this story.)
Tald: yes, I quite agree. Thanks for the review – it gave me a bit of perspective
Johnny's-my-Hottie – Thanks for the encouragement,
PinkTribeChick – You're… kind of right. Maybe. Thanks!
Oh yeah, I may have to change the rating to R. Not for sex or anything, just because there might be a bit of harshness…. I'll see. Anyway, thanks for the nice reviews and I hope you all like this chapter. Sorry, it's kind of short, but if I write longer chapters, you'll never see an update!