Chapter 4 – Ron's Staggeringly Awful Plan
"Yes sir, I believe I have the whole of it."
Creeves, having had the circs relayed to him, displayed his immediate grasp of the prob.
"Mister Weasley, while attempting to render unto Miss Granger a good deed, inadvertently launched not one but two of Miss Granger's philanthropic endeavors in the direction of a garden hedge during the lady's breakfast. This led Miss Granger to sever the engagement between Mister Weasley and herself."
"Right you are, Creeves. And now is the time to cluster round young Ron and haul him out of the soup. Are you up to it?"
"It is most problematic, sir. I will need some time to ponder the situation. Perhaps I should prepare the luncheon while I am thinking?"
"Excellent, Creeves. You cook and think while Ron and I finish our drinks out here. We might even come up with a solution on our own."
"Anything is possible, sir."
While I was certain we were up to the task of finishing our butter beers, I was doubtful we'd make any headway in solving Ron's problem. Telling me his sad tale and hearing me repeat it to Creeves took a lot out of the fellow, and he appeared ready to slip down between the sofa cushions and wait to be swept out with the fluff, crumbs and errant Knuts.
It was only after a restorative lunch that he was in a fit state to continue. I had previously given Creeves the afternoon off to visit an old friend, and as he took his leave he assured Ron that he would continue to ponder. Bereft of his guidance, one of us was bound to propose a terrifically awful plan, and it was Ron who came up with a real stinker.
"Harry! You could go to Hermione and plead my case for me! You could remind her how we saved her from the troll that one time in school. Or how I stood up for her when Malfoy called her a Mudblood. No one knows the both of us like you do – I don't know why I didn't think of it before!"
"I don't know why you are thinking of it now!"
"Because it's bloody brilliant."
"No, it's daft."
"Why? What's wrong with it?"
I couldn't tell Ron that I had once been engaged to his beloved. That kind of thing puts a strain on a friendship. It would be like telling a chap whose dream it is to play for the Chudley Cannons that you had been offered a spot in the line-up and turned it down. Something similar happened with the Tri-Wizard Tournament in our fourth year, and Ron revealed his green-eyed nature. It wouldn't do to have him lose his fiancée and his best friend in the same day, so I conjured a weak excuse.
"You know I have never won an argument with Hermione Granger. If I were to take the position that you were a swell chappie in general, and that business of bunging diminutive creatures into shrubbery was a one-time fluke, she would respond by digging in and bolstering the case for the prosecution. She would bring up the time you wanted to kill her cat, Crookshanks, or how you made fun of her charity work – calling it 'spew' all the time. You know how she is."
"I suppose you're right, Harry. She would get the better of you in any argument." I relaxed but only momentarily, as he continued. "You'll just have to go to her and say you're against her taking me back."
If I hadn't already finished my drink, I probably would have choked to death on it. As it was I just goggled at the man and spluttered. He took mild offense.
"What's wrong with that plan? You just said yourself you'd lose any argument with her, so all you have to do is go and lose that one. Tell her you think she's well rid of me. Tell her that I'm a foul loathsome evil little cockroach. She'll spring to my defense like a hippogriff protecting her foal."
"Sorry, I can't help you."
"I can't believe what I'm hearing! Surely you'll do this for me, Harry?"
"No, I'm afraid not."
"Is this Harry Potter? The same Harry Potter who was at Hogwarts with me?"
"More or less the same, yes."
"I never thought I'd see the day when Harry Potter would fail to rally round a schoolmate, from his own House even!"
"And yet here we are. You'll just have to rely on whatever Creeves comes up with."
"But we were at school together!"
"Be that as it may, we must wait on Creeves."
"You wait on Creeves, I'm going to find someone who remembers his mates. Maybe Seamus is out of hospital." With that he got on his broom and took off in a huff. Perhaps he would send Seamus to try his scheme. Better him than me, I thought. Even if he was up and about after his latest spell-turned-conflagration, without eyebrows he was not likely to tempt Hermione away from Ron, or more importantly say anything to cause her to return to me.